When they relapse...
Notifications OFF
Morning all,
Last night I checked my partners phone and realised he had relapsed - not to pornography but had been searching for an escort agency (I can't believe I'm writing this). When I confronted him, he admitted it and the emotional breakdown ensues.
He said that the conversation started in work (there are sex workers near his place of work) and then he found himself seeking out the images, not the services. He said he never would have gone but I am really struggling to support him in his recovery. I found myself crying last night, experiencing the emptiness and despair of the knock again.
I have tried not to put restrictions in place and push my opinions as I feel the work needs to foremost come from him and I am worried that if I introduce them, it will only create more secrecy and resentment further down the line. Like Feelsick who posted recently, I think the lack of contact from the police and our return to normality has created a false sense of security for my partner. He's now said that he wants to join a local S(L)AA group and download the accountability app on his phone to prove that this is not the person he wants to be. I guess my question here is that how involved are partners in the addicts recovery? When do you say enough is enough?
My heads just a mess. How is this my relationship? x
Last night I checked my partners phone and realised he had relapsed - not to pornography but had been searching for an escort agency (I can't believe I'm writing this). When I confronted him, he admitted it and the emotional breakdown ensues.
He said that the conversation started in work (there are sex workers near his place of work) and then he found himself seeking out the images, not the services. He said he never would have gone but I am really struggling to support him in his recovery. I found myself crying last night, experiencing the emptiness and despair of the knock again.
I have tried not to put restrictions in place and push my opinions as I feel the work needs to foremost come from him and I am worried that if I introduce them, it will only create more secrecy and resentment further down the line. Like Feelsick who posted recently, I think the lack of contact from the police and our return to normality has created a false sense of security for my partner. He's now said that he wants to join a local S(L)AA group and download the accountability app on his phone to prove that this is not the person he wants to be. I guess my question here is that how involved are partners in the addicts recovery? When do you say enough is enough?
My heads just a mess. How is this my relationship? x
What work has he done prior to his relapse? It may be worth him calling the helpline and going over some of the modules online. The accountability app sounds good but is there someone you both trust to be the person he's accountable to rather than you or do you think having the app would be enough of a deterrent? I only suggest someone else as it's clear from the tone of your post that you found confronting him difficult.
I can only speak for myself, we are separated but working towards rebuilding. We are working on ourselves as individuals at the moment and are hoping to progress to couples counselling in about a year. I have struggled with feeling a level of responsibility towards him and his unhelpful ways of thinking at times (not offending but gambling, drinking to excess and general woe is me attitude). I'm now in a place where I spot a behaviour in him that I don't think is helpful, point it out to him and it's on him what he does from there. It's important to recognise that supporting a loved one on this or any addiction is not walking on eggshells around them incase something tips them over the edge but about setting your own clear boundaries. I think it was Lee who has an expectations contract. This will be something that I will definitely be suggesting to my ex/partner/idiot. Perhaps you could implement something like that. Nobody can tell you what is or isn't acceptable in your relationship, we all have our own lines, I'd communicate those lines clearly to your partner and if you don't feel he has taken them onboard then make your decision about the relationship. The language used in your post about him not wanting to be that person and seeking out further support are something I would see as really positive. The addiction will always be there but it's about him recognising it before it gets to that point and putting things in place xx
I can only speak for myself, we are separated but working towards rebuilding. We are working on ourselves as individuals at the moment and are hoping to progress to couples counselling in about a year. I have struggled with feeling a level of responsibility towards him and his unhelpful ways of thinking at times (not offending but gambling, drinking to excess and general woe is me attitude). I'm now in a place where I spot a behaviour in him that I don't think is helpful, point it out to him and it's on him what he does from there. It's important to recognise that supporting a loved one on this or any addiction is not walking on eggshells around them incase something tips them over the edge but about setting your own clear boundaries. I think it was Lee who has an expectations contract. This will be something that I will definitely be suggesting to my ex/partner/idiot. Perhaps you could implement something like that. Nobody can tell you what is or isn't acceptable in your relationship, we all have our own lines, I'd communicate those lines clearly to your partner and if you don't feel he has taken them onboard then make your decision about the relationship. The language used in your post about him not wanting to be that person and seeking out further support are something I would see as really positive. The addiction will always be there but it's about him recognising it before it gets to that point and putting things in place xx
Hi Distressed,
Thanks for responding. He has completed the modules on LFF and recently their inform course. He did also have sessions with a counsellor at the start of the year, but since completing the LFF course everything seems to have dropped off, and I think he felt he was "in control". I will definitely suggest revisiting the LLF modules and course.
I do think the app would be enough of a deterrent, but I just can't believe we are at a point where it's needed. Maybe I'm naive in thinking he could do this alone. I totally understand your point about feeling a level of responsibility. I feel I am sometimes a Mother and a Partner to him which is not the relationship I want, so have now made it clear that if I find out he's not been honest with me, then next time I will walking. It's the lack of honesty and disrespect which is most hurtful.
I really hope what he says comes to fruition and like you said, he starts to recognise it before it gets to that point. Thank you x
Thanks for responding. He has completed the modules on LFF and recently their inform course. He did also have sessions with a counsellor at the start of the year, but since completing the LFF course everything seems to have dropped off, and I think he felt he was "in control". I will definitely suggest revisiting the LLF modules and course.
I do think the app would be enough of a deterrent, but I just can't believe we are at a point where it's needed. Maybe I'm naive in thinking he could do this alone. I totally understand your point about feeling a level of responsibility. I feel I am sometimes a Mother and a Partner to him which is not the relationship I want, so have now made it clear that if I find out he's not been honest with me, then next time I will walking. It's the lack of honesty and disrespect which is most hurtful.
I really hope what he says comes to fruition and like you said, he starts to recognise it before it gets to that point. Thank you x
Morning Lee,
Thank you, I just feel totally defeated. Viewing the images was one thing but now to think he's seeking comfort from someone else is devastating. He says that wasn't the case but how will I truly know?
He's adamant that it's an addiction and I am inclined to believe him. We had issues before the knock around intimacy and emotions, but could never effectively communicate without it escalating (never violent, but raised voices). Since reading the Porn Trap and the Paula Hall Books, I do feel like I was reading about my own life so I do think addiction is more the cause.
He has completed the LFF Inform Course which has helped hugely, but I don't think he's explored the true reason of why be behaves like he does. Unfortunately, we were also away the week they drew up relapse plans so that definitely has not helped. I have tried to remind him to complete it, but been met with the old "too busy, will do it next week". You're totally right in saying that they need to concentrate on theirselves. Since reading that line, I'm afraid to admit that the man stood in front of me still displays problematic behaviours. He is trying, but he's still the same. I read before that men take 3-5 years to generally recover from addiction so we still have a very long road ahead of us. I've never actually thought about safeguarding myself either, you are totally right.
I really do hope he attends SLAA as I think this will be the best support network for him. He benefitted greatly from the group environment on the Inform Course and for his own sake, he really needs to confront what has and is still happening.
I'll also take a look at the apps so thank you for suggesting those too. Sorry for rambling. x
Thank you, I just feel totally defeated. Viewing the images was one thing but now to think he's seeking comfort from someone else is devastating. He says that wasn't the case but how will I truly know?
He's adamant that it's an addiction and I am inclined to believe him. We had issues before the knock around intimacy and emotions, but could never effectively communicate without it escalating (never violent, but raised voices). Since reading the Porn Trap and the Paula Hall Books, I do feel like I was reading about my own life so I do think addiction is more the cause.
He has completed the LFF Inform Course which has helped hugely, but I don't think he's explored the true reason of why be behaves like he does. Unfortunately, we were also away the week they drew up relapse plans so that definitely has not helped. I have tried to remind him to complete it, but been met with the old "too busy, will do it next week". You're totally right in saying that they need to concentrate on theirselves. Since reading that line, I'm afraid to admit that the man stood in front of me still displays problematic behaviours. He is trying, but he's still the same. I read before that men take 3-5 years to generally recover from addiction so we still have a very long road ahead of us. I've never actually thought about safeguarding myself either, you are totally right.
I really do hope he attends SLAA as I think this will be the best support network for him. He benefitted greatly from the group environment on the Inform Course and for his own sake, he really needs to confront what has and is still happening.
I'll also take a look at the apps so thank you for suggesting those too. Sorry for rambling. x
I just wanted to reach out to say you are not alone. My partner has done the exact same, contacted escorts and sex chat lines..I don't have any advice as your last sentence really has hit me....how is this my relationship...
Not sure if this will be any comfort but my partner had a private assessment and states there is differences in lapses and RElapses when it comes to offenders.
Relapse is when they recommit the crime, laspes are when they have actioned problematic activities that could lead to relapses. Before my partner had the rehabilitation he was on adult chat sites, all legal but these worry the authorities. Also the contact with a young family member when supervised but a breach of the SHPO was deemed a lapse. The specialist basically said that many offenders find themselves lapsing over time (not all but is a realistic possibly for others) and the best thing they can do is go back to reviewing the modules and training and put in measures to stop them from continuing lapses, as an overall means to prevent seeking iiocs.
Such laspes are frustrating, and I guess it is like a skill offenders have to learn to keep on top of their rehabilitation.
Hopefully your partner will review his notes and maybe see if he can seek one on one therapy.
(Note that the terms for lapse and relapse for my partner may be different to others, especially those with porn addiction. It might be worth each offender understanding what is deemed a lapse and relapse for them. Rehabilitation is an ongoing struggle and likely to be with them for a long while. I think for my partner he will have to fight his demons maybe for the rest of his life)
Relapse is when they recommit the crime, laspes are when they have actioned problematic activities that could lead to relapses. Before my partner had the rehabilitation he was on adult chat sites, all legal but these worry the authorities. Also the contact with a young family member when supervised but a breach of the SHPO was deemed a lapse. The specialist basically said that many offenders find themselves lapsing over time (not all but is a realistic possibly for others) and the best thing they can do is go back to reviewing the modules and training and put in measures to stop them from continuing lapses, as an overall means to prevent seeking iiocs.
Such laspes are frustrating, and I guess it is like a skill offenders have to learn to keep on top of their rehabilitation.
Hopefully your partner will review his notes and maybe see if he can seek one on one therapy.
(Note that the terms for lapse and relapse for my partner may be different to others, especially those with porn addiction. It might be worth each offender understanding what is deemed a lapse and relapse for them. Rehabilitation is an ongoing struggle and likely to be with them for a long while. I think for my partner he will have to fight his demons maybe for the rest of his life)
I think it was Lee who has an expectations contract.
This is a golden idea ..
I think my partner as he was looking for legal porn could have maybe gone down a bad road if left unchecked by the police but his real demon was never porn. It was and always will be alcohol. It erases all worries for him so that he doesn't have to face his demons there.
Once an addict, always an addict but that doesn't mean to say they're an active addict. They're always an addict because there's a risk of falling down the hole. But they could have not gone down that hole for twenty years, hence they're not actively 'using'...
This is a golden idea ..
I think my partner as he was looking for legal porn could have maybe gone down a bad road if left unchecked by the police but his real demon was never porn. It was and always will be alcohol. It erases all worries for him so that he doesn't have to face his demons there.
Once an addict, always an addict but that doesn't mean to say they're an active addict. They're always an addict because there's a risk of falling down the hole. But they could have not gone down that hole for twenty years, hence they're not actively 'using'...
Post deleted by user