Family and Friends Forum

I'm interested in your perspective on this crime.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking recently on my own behaviour around this crime.

Im recently diagnosed with Autism, as is my partner. He's quite high on the spectrum, enough to warrant support needs such a therapy regularly.

I know this crime is wrong, but he didn't do anything to me that left a lasting imprint on my memory. He has done before and it's been a negative thing, it took my a long time to process and understand. But thi crime, I didn't 'catch him in the process' so for me the lasting imprint isn't there. I think this among other reasons is why people are angry with me, because I've had time to become used to this and understand from a partners perspective and I don't see that it had a lasting impact on my memory.

Our lives up to the very moment he was outed in the paper (I truly hope the women who published that article doesn't incite an incident that leads to the murder of the perpetrator one day by putting the entire address apart from the door number), our lives we're normal. We could discuss it when needed.

So I'm just wondering what is it for you about this crime that makes you angry with your partner?

.

Haya distressed,

It's sad to hear that you were 3 months pregnant when this happened, even more so to know you already had teenagers. Life could not have dropped anything more difficult on your plate. Have you you sort any help for your feelings of abandonment and lack of trust because of this? It seems that social services lump everyone in the same book regardless of their are crime, which is entirely unfair.

It's interesting that you say it makes you question your morals because this is something I can totally relate to as well. Now that my family friends and basically everyone knows what when on I have to figure out a way, potentially through therapy to overcome the shame. Given that we have not had an easy ride so far, it makes me wonder is it worth it?

Truer words have never spoken, you are right soul searching is so uncomfortable. But I know we it's something we need to do do regardless of the crime committed

hey Christmas,

Sorry again to hear that you were pregnant as well. It's horrible to here that he was 'working' whilst you were pregnant...

Interesting, so he told you he didn't feel any guilt? My partner felt a world of guilt, even though it was a small amount of images. I can imagine it must be very difficult to forgive that given the lack of remorse it sounds like....

Lee I am so with you you on the fact that my partner doesn't have a life if outside of the house. He is currently with his parents, away from me and the dogs, we're on a trial separation and already blurring lines. His mental health I can tell is on the decline, he also has an alcohol tag for the next 2 months to monitor is drinking.

But the Silver lining is that your a solid team, which is wonderful to hear. It's something myself and my partner are only half of the time which is sad.

You're very brave to take on the life of a single mother for 17 months. Not many of us would be able to return after that. You say you're not angry but have you ever been angry in the past. It would be good to let others know that it's normal emotion. I hear you when you say you had to understand, I totally get that too because without understanding, where does that leave us. A lot of people spout on about supporting others and the mental health is very important but they don't take time to understand that there can be a dark side to mental health, they can be a dark side to a pressing things. I don't want to understand that's on them but what's not fair is the judgement that comes with that. And that doesn't mean that we don't have to look after ourselves as well as another victim of this crime. I have found throughout this process that I haven't looked after myself that I put myself second which is very very wrong. I am learning to put myself first, my wants and needs and as hard as it is, I need to keep it that way.

I wanted to point out that I'm very sorry your child covered in bruises, I hope that they are in a better place now and that you are in a better place too.

Anger is a powerful emotion but I won't repress it anymore, I will just reinvest it somewhere else because you are right we can't always be angry with our spouses, our children for the things they do, a compassionate approach to this topic is what's required for a full recovery and a permanent one too.

And don't worry you totally makes sense!

Xxx, I hope your week gets better, sometimes I to feel that there are just too many coffee chats in our lifetime. I really do hope that it goes as best as possible for you in a few months time. It's very scary but then again so is everything where we don't know the outcome.

I would love for us to all be able to walk around without any worries, without having to to look and see who's around the corner and who knows. Yet there's a part of me that wants everyone to know because as soon as we moved to a new town, if we moved to a new town together, the fear will come back again.

There's a large part of me that wants to take on the depth of this crime on my shoulders and say that it's not all black and white, but I know that the simpltons out there won't understand.

There's a Ted x talk out there on this very subject matter by a woman in the Netherlands. The sun shut her down and she started receiving death threats from a wide variety of people just because of her stance on helping people, instead of locking them up throwing away the key.

I don't know what it will take but as long as the Jeffrey epstein's of the world exist, every single person who downloads an image in a dark place full of remorse and regret, self loathing and suicidal thoughts will all be lumped into the same category.

Let's hope as time goes on that more and more people are willing to sit down and discuss this difficult subject. No one advocates for the continuation these crimes but they will not just stop.I'm not afraid to say that my partner is not a paedophile, I'm not afraid to say that to someone if they were willing to sit and listen.

Hey distressed,

HHas the therapy works for you, even if a little bit? I can emphasise and understand with pushing the anger aside rather than dealing with it right now. I mean how does one deal with anger without shouting and screaming and facing the pain no one wants to?

Resentment is a difficult thing to address, I'm still addressing mine now because sometimes all I can see is him having his needs met, and me still waiting here to have mine met. That's partly why I'm taking some space for myself, just a small amount of the reason why. Given the space we've already had, which hasn't been a great deal yet, we've learned to talk in a way that's constructive and not destructive. I want to say that this is only because it's through messenger but that's belittling the progress that has been made.

We were even making strides in the bedroom, the strides that I wanted to make for a long time. Now I have to get over that shame again because everybody knows, everybody knows that when I am intimate with him, I am being intimate with a man who committed what society deems to be the worst crime. As a result that must mean but of course I'm attracted to children as well, but here's the thing neither of us are. My partner made a mistake and as a result things actually go to slightly better for him. Our sex life was pretty exotic before the court case but only after the crime was uncovered, so the task is getting over this shame again is gigantic.

It's so difficult to keep a level head during an argument, I should know I've had a lot of them. But distrssed please and to forgive yourself if you do slip, where are human at the end of the day, emotions and feelings Human nature.

Lee I can so understand being angry even before the arrest. I too had been deceived once by my partner, and it really really hurt. It was at the very start of our relationship and I found out, it was brutal because I too hit my partner that night, so hard it left a bruise. I'm past that now though, I know my behaviour and that behaviour is not acceptable.

But we talked about that again and again and again, I started to realise after this crime was uncovered and he was being honest, that all of this betrayal came from a place of great shame, guilt, insecurity, depression, confusion and self hatred. He didn't tell me either about the shame he felt when he reflected on what we now know to be by grooming. At the time all of his friends would have given him a pat on the shoulder and said well done mate, just because he's a male and she was a female, be a little bit older doesn't make it right.

Even though it takes horrific events for honesty to come forth, isn't it refreshing when it does?

It's so nice to hear that you don't let anger consume you, cos that's what I'm struggling with at the moment anger and heartbreak. I'm desperately trying to pull away and stay in that place where I don't get hurt again by him, saying to myself that I deserve better because I do. Just because I understand something doesn't mean that I forget it but it does mean that I can forgive it someday. Hoping that one day this will be a distant memory that I can acknowledge happened and let the thought pass.

I can say one thing about the little one, she'll grow up to be so strong just like you xx

Thanks Lee, Much appreciated as I prefer podcasts to reading ( I'm not a big fan of reading but listening) xx