Dark places.
Notifications OFF
I'm in such a dark place right now. Not only am I trying to work out my feelings day by day, including who I am beyond my partner and what I want to experience in life. That's difficult enough as it is without the following...
Family who are telling me it's all my choice and what not. Being supportive... But knowing deep down inside all they wanna do say is say run away.
I've got other family and friends saying I could walk away and not have to worry about who the hell is staring at me as I walk down the street, avoiding going anywhere in the town because someone might notice me, telling me he's not worth it ect...This being the rest of my life living in constant fear. The damage it's causing me and everyone around me (cause that's totally an okay factor to swing in there, other people's feelings). Reminding me of the years I've shed because of him, the divorce statements I've said about how I'm so sure. Yeah I have done and said those things in the heat of the moment, it's debilitating sometimes. You don't need to remind me in the vain hope that I'll summon the strength to suddenly agree with and make you happy. I also didn't tell you that I missed him the other day, I don't tell you about the good things becauset they're mine, they're private.
Im trying my best just to keep my mental faculties floating right now and I haven't had therapy in about a week and a half and my next one is in seven days.
I've been writing and journalling my feelings since then and I just don't want any of it anymore. I very much want to run away and hide.
For those who are new here, I am almost 3 weeks post media exposure in my small town. My best price of advice before yours get to court? Move, move away and have your court case in the old town you live in and your new address far away. It might lessen the exposure.
The only saving grace right now is that I am no longer keeping this a secret. That weight has been lifted, only to be replaced by a heavier one of the weight of people's pressure and expectations to fix things right now so they they are happy that you have made the decision that sits right with them.
I am venting right now, venting alot so sorry for that.
The last peice of advice I can give you is to look yourself in the mirror, whatever happens and think to yourself - 'there's no stronger person out there than me'.
Family who are telling me it's all my choice and what not. Being supportive... But knowing deep down inside all they wanna do say is say run away.
I've got other family and friends saying I could walk away and not have to worry about who the hell is staring at me as I walk down the street, avoiding going anywhere in the town because someone might notice me, telling me he's not worth it ect...This being the rest of my life living in constant fear. The damage it's causing me and everyone around me (cause that's totally an okay factor to swing in there, other people's feelings). Reminding me of the years I've shed because of him, the divorce statements I've said about how I'm so sure. Yeah I have done and said those things in the heat of the moment, it's debilitating sometimes. You don't need to remind me in the vain hope that I'll summon the strength to suddenly agree with and make you happy. I also didn't tell you that I missed him the other day, I don't tell you about the good things becauset they're mine, they're private.
Im trying my best just to keep my mental faculties floating right now and I haven't had therapy in about a week and a half and my next one is in seven days.
I've been writing and journalling my feelings since then and I just don't want any of it anymore. I very much want to run away and hide.
For those who are new here, I am almost 3 weeks post media exposure in my small town. My best price of advice before yours get to court? Move, move away and have your court case in the old town you live in and your new address far away. It might lessen the exposure.
The only saving grace right now is that I am no longer keeping this a secret. That weight has been lifted, only to be replaced by a heavier one of the weight of people's pressure and expectations to fix things right now so they they are happy that you have made the decision that sits right with them.
I am venting right now, venting alot so sorry for that.
The last peice of advice I can give you is to look yourself in the mirror, whatever happens and think to yourself - 'there's no stronger person out there than me'.
Hi Blackhound,
As u no I'm nearly 2 years on from sentencing, I can relate to how ur feeling because I have been feeling exactly the same, I am clinging on, I am lucky in the respect of we haven't been allowed to live together since his crime, so we have had space, but over the weekend I have had some Frank conversations with my oh, telling him how I feel, telling him that he hurt me and he was the only person I never ever thought that would let me down. He was hurt because I had thrown back wat he had done but he has to realise I would not be as mentally exhausted as I am now if it hadn't been for him, I've lost a good job and I've had to deal with ss making me feel like I'm some sort of monster for trying to keep my family together, I've had to deal with on my own to an extent( as he can't help ) to take our eldest to hospital after she had self harmed or because she had overdosed, he doesn't have to deal with our youngest not sleeping for days on end or crying because she doesn't want to go into her new class. What you need to decide on is if you love him even after everything he has done and if u can move forward it can be done but u have to make the decisions for u and no one else, its hard and its going to take time but it will get easier honest xx sending you love and best wishes xx and sorry for long rant xx
As u no I'm nearly 2 years on from sentencing, I can relate to how ur feeling because I have been feeling exactly the same, I am clinging on, I am lucky in the respect of we haven't been allowed to live together since his crime, so we have had space, but over the weekend I have had some Frank conversations with my oh, telling him how I feel, telling him that he hurt me and he was the only person I never ever thought that would let me down. He was hurt because I had thrown back wat he had done but he has to realise I would not be as mentally exhausted as I am now if it hadn't been for him, I've lost a good job and I've had to deal with ss making me feel like I'm some sort of monster for trying to keep my family together, I've had to deal with on my own to an extent( as he can't help ) to take our eldest to hospital after she had self harmed or because she had overdosed, he doesn't have to deal with our youngest not sleeping for days on end or crying because she doesn't want to go into her new class. What you need to decide on is if you love him even after everything he has done and if u can move forward it can be done but u have to make the decisions for u and no one else, its hard and its going to take time but it will get easier honest xx sending you love and best wishes xx and sorry for long rant xx
Hi Dawn,
Nonneed to apologise, it's almost free therapy at this point, ranting on this forum haha.
It's good to have the space I think, it's something I've been lacking and it's something that we have now, only seeing each other through video calls and once a week/ everyother week.
Funnily enough he called me today and said (as we're on trial separation) that he's tired of not saying I love you and he's not going to give up on us, he's going to get better. But he said there no pressure on me to feel the same. I did a alot of self reflection last night, a f**k ton. I wrote 5 A4 pages and may write another tonight.
Have you ever thought about getting therapy to address the resentment he hold against him? I know if we take baby steps I'm going to request we see a marriage therapist as well, because I can totally see myself, similar to you bringing up the fact that he did this if it stops us from doing something together? It's never fair on anyone these situations and all we can do is our best.
I'm so sorry to hear about your eldest a d her difficulty dealing with this :(. Is she also seeking the counsel of a therapist because I can tell you now, childhood trauma unchecked festers and leads us into situations as a duly that are never good for us. Is she feeling better about thing now or still the same? I know one thing, she'll thank you one day for being a super mum.
For me that decision will be made in time... I'm not going to keep living in the future and the pressure I keep putting on myself to make a decision is damaging my mental health... Day by Day by Day.
Xx
Nonneed to apologise, it's almost free therapy at this point, ranting on this forum haha.
It's good to have the space I think, it's something I've been lacking and it's something that we have now, only seeing each other through video calls and once a week/ everyother week.
Funnily enough he called me today and said (as we're on trial separation) that he's tired of not saying I love you and he's not going to give up on us, he's going to get better. But he said there no pressure on me to feel the same. I did a alot of self reflection last night, a f**k ton. I wrote 5 A4 pages and may write another tonight.
Have you ever thought about getting therapy to address the resentment he hold against him? I know if we take baby steps I'm going to request we see a marriage therapist as well, because I can totally see myself, similar to you bringing up the fact that he did this if it stops us from doing something together? It's never fair on anyone these situations and all we can do is our best.
I'm so sorry to hear about your eldest a d her difficulty dealing with this :(. Is she also seeking the counsel of a therapist because I can tell you now, childhood trauma unchecked festers and leads us into situations as a duly that are never good for us. Is she feeling better about thing now or still the same? I know one thing, she'll thank you one day for being a super mum.
For me that decision will be made in time... I'm not going to keep living in the future and the pressure I keep putting on myself to make a decision is damaging my mental health... Day by Day by Day.
Xx
Hi Blackhound,
Daughters self harm started before this she has body dysphoria, so I had them both running along side each other, I think my problem is all the shit with ss pushed me to rock bottom as I no I am a good mum and that I can look after my kids but it's not that simple with them, I have had 2 rounds of counselling but I'm waiting for intense CBT therapy, but when that will be is like how long is a piece of string. I think I've never been able to tell him stuff but for us and me to move forward I have to tell him wats going on in my head because sometimes the voices are too loud.
Thing is my dad always blamed me for things going wrong and I've never had loads of friends ive always felt not good enough, and now he has made me feeling I wasn't enough, so I no how hard it is so I have a low self esteem, always have. So it's a long road back as ss opened the can of worms and then said get on with it like its that simple.
I'm not gonna lie though the sex has been brill since living a part. You just have to be honest and if he love u like mine love me he will take wat u throw at him and then u can work through it hopefully.
Daughters self harm started before this she has body dysphoria, so I had them both running along side each other, I think my problem is all the shit with ss pushed me to rock bottom as I no I am a good mum and that I can look after my kids but it's not that simple with them, I have had 2 rounds of counselling but I'm waiting for intense CBT therapy, but when that will be is like how long is a piece of string. I think I've never been able to tell him stuff but for us and me to move forward I have to tell him wats going on in my head because sometimes the voices are too loud.
Thing is my dad always blamed me for things going wrong and I've never had loads of friends ive always felt not good enough, and now he has made me feeling I wasn't enough, so I no how hard it is so I have a low self esteem, always have. So it's a long road back as ss opened the can of worms and then said get on with it like its that simple.
I'm not gonna lie though the sex has been brill since living a part. You just have to be honest and if he love u like mine love me he will take wat u throw at him and then u can work through it hopefully.
The pain of deciding whether to stay or run must be so exhausting, heart breaking and full of extra anxiety. I really feel for you guys xxx
It's not something I'm going through because as you know my offender my my son so the choice is made for me, I stay.
I hope you can continue to work through your feelings and make the right decisions for you - Sending big love xxx
It's not something I'm going through because as you know my offender my my son so the choice is made for me, I stay.
I hope you can continue to work through your feelings and make the right decisions for you - Sending big love xxx
It sounds like yous are doing amazing Blackhound and Dawn. You are looking at things objectively and can see the bigger picture. It just takes so bloody long to get through.
has the media shit storm calmed down BH?
I am full of self doubt and worthlessness at the minute. The how could I be so stupid? Why do I still love someone who has torn our nice lives apart?
I thought post sentencing id feel much better, a relief, but not with a so called 'friend' blabbing and having to deal with people knowing. Mentally I feel worse now than in the beginning. I'm starting the inform course tomorrow so hopefully I will get something out of that x
has the media shit storm calmed down BH?
I am full of self doubt and worthlessness at the minute. The how could I be so stupid? Why do I still love someone who has torn our nice lives apart?
I thought post sentencing id feel much better, a relief, but not with a so called 'friend' blabbing and having to deal with people knowing. Mentally I feel worse now than in the beginning. I'm starting the inform course tomorrow so hopefully I will get something out of that x
Hey Jay Jay,
I am definitely always a bigger picture thinker but please don't think it's been an easy ride to get there... It takes a lot of pain and honest conversations to get to a point where you can fit together the pieces of the puzzle to realise that this single little thing that's happened doesn't make that person. It is not what defines him.
Yeah the media storm has calmed down now. I basically don't go to the shops or any of the localities here where I used to all the time but I do get out to other places which is fine by me. I take the doggies with me which is nice.
You know what JayJay, the stage you're at and the pain you've been through I'd be surprised if you weren't full of self doubt.
The how could I be so stupid? Why do I still love someone who has torn our nice lives apart?
It is never that easy or simple as packing up and walking away. The physical act is, but the mental act is not. You're not stupid JayJay. But you are in charge, in charge of your own future and of your own feelings. Please don't ever, ever let anyone tell you that if 'they were in your position, they would have left'. It's bullcrap, they don't know for sure, with absolute 100% certainty. Anyone that tells you otherwise is a liar.
You know I thought I'd feel better too, and I did. Then it blew up in my face. But you know similar to your story, it was taken from my hands and given to other people, the bits of the story they heard. But let me ask you, is there a littl weight lifted now that some people know ? I can say for certain that I can go forwards now with the knowledge that everyone knows. If new people enter my life, regardless of whether we are together or not, I know that I am going to be able to go forwards with things. I'll pick myself up, dust myself off and carry on.
Godluck with the inform course. I haven't done any of the courses because quite frankly I understand how my husband go to the point he did and how he made a silly mistake.
I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow, or next week but my life is back in my hands. My partners life is back in his and if in the end we merge together again, then we'll tackle it together. Much like we did before.
I am definitely always a bigger picture thinker but please don't think it's been an easy ride to get there... It takes a lot of pain and honest conversations to get to a point where you can fit together the pieces of the puzzle to realise that this single little thing that's happened doesn't make that person. It is not what defines him.
Yeah the media storm has calmed down now. I basically don't go to the shops or any of the localities here where I used to all the time but I do get out to other places which is fine by me. I take the doggies with me which is nice.
You know what JayJay, the stage you're at and the pain you've been through I'd be surprised if you weren't full of self doubt.
The how could I be so stupid? Why do I still love someone who has torn our nice lives apart?
It is never that easy or simple as packing up and walking away. The physical act is, but the mental act is not. You're not stupid JayJay. But you are in charge, in charge of your own future and of your own feelings. Please don't ever, ever let anyone tell you that if 'they were in your position, they would have left'. It's bullcrap, they don't know for sure, with absolute 100% certainty. Anyone that tells you otherwise is a liar.
You know I thought I'd feel better too, and I did. Then it blew up in my face. But you know similar to your story, it was taken from my hands and given to other people, the bits of the story they heard. But let me ask you, is there a littl weight lifted now that some people know ? I can say for certain that I can go forwards now with the knowledge that everyone knows. If new people enter my life, regardless of whether we are together or not, I know that I am going to be able to go forwards with things. I'll pick myself up, dust myself off and carry on.
Godluck with the inform course. I haven't done any of the courses because quite frankly I understand how my husband go to the point he did and how he made a silly mistake.
I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow, or next week but my life is back in my hands. My partners life is back in his and if in the end we merge together again, then we'll tackle it together. Much like we did before.
Hi blackhound,
Well said, I couldn't of put it better myself.
Jayjay trust me I have been where you are now and it takes time to feel better but if you want to work through it u can, as we have said you have to have some Frank conversations and unfortunately ur oh has to accept they have caused this and they have to accept that quiet frankly it and ur feelings are going to go back to normal straight away. It will take time but if ur meant to be u will be.
Sending big hugs to u all xxxx
Well said, I couldn't of put it better myself.
Jayjay trust me I have been where you are now and it takes time to feel better but if you want to work through it u can, as we have said you have to have some Frank conversations and unfortunately ur oh has to accept they have caused this and they have to accept that quiet frankly it and ur feelings are going to go back to normal straight away. It will take time but if ur meant to be u will be.
Sending big hugs to u all xxxx
Hi blackhound,
Well said, I couldn't of put it better myself.
Jayjay trust me I have been where you are now and it takes time to feel better but if you want to work through it u can, as we have said you have to have some Frank conversations and unfortunately ur oh has to accept they have caused this and they have to accept that quiet frankly it and ur feelings are going to go back to normal straight away. It will take time but if ur meant to be u will be.
Sending big hugs to u all xxxx
Well said, I couldn't of put it better myself.
Jayjay trust me I have been where you are now and it takes time to feel better but if you want to work through it u can, as we have said you have to have some Frank conversations and unfortunately ur oh has to accept they have caused this and they have to accept that quiet frankly it and ur feelings are going to go back to normal straight away. It will take time but if ur meant to be u will be.
Sending big hugs to u all xxxx
Post deleted
Daffodil where did you find a therapist..I know now I need help dealing with this but I am so confused about what type of therapist I need x
There are some big differences in our situations as I think I've mentioned before. But I can hear and feel your anguish and I can identify with this. Realistically I'm a long way for the turmoil you are currently facing and I have the benefit of space and time with him being inside.
The anchor point of my decision today, tomorrow, next year, 5 years time etc will be my happiness. Whenever I'm in turmoil a try to ground myself and think about what if the options in front of me will make me happiest. Happiness is made up of many different things and that will vary from person to person. I wondered if you too would benefit from looking at it that way and simplifying it down. Part of being able to do this means letting go of options that are no longer on the table - That can include other people's opinions being inine with your own thoughts and beliefs.
I've no doubt that if the other side of prison, I choose my happiness is still being with him, despite everything else that comes with it, I will have to put my armour on trust that I know my own needs, that I know my relationship and I know and understand my person. Any wavering or doubts in any of those aspects will, I know, significantly impact my mental wellbeing and other how much I'm impacted by others opinions.
Friends get on and off your life train for many, many reasons. My parents won't be here forever and my family all have their own life. I can only live mine in a way that is incongruous with my own value system.
The anchor point of my decision today, tomorrow, next year, 5 years time etc will be my happiness. Whenever I'm in turmoil a try to ground myself and think about what if the options in front of me will make me happiest. Happiness is made up of many different things and that will vary from person to person. I wondered if you too would benefit from looking at it that way and simplifying it down. Part of being able to do this means letting go of options that are no longer on the table - That can include other people's opinions being inine with your own thoughts and beliefs.
I've no doubt that if the other side of prison, I choose my happiness is still being with him, despite everything else that comes with it, I will have to put my armour on trust that I know my own needs, that I know my relationship and I know and understand my person. Any wavering or doubts in any of those aspects will, I know, significantly impact my mental wellbeing and other how much I'm impacted by others opinions.
Friends get on and off your life train for many, many reasons. My parents won't be here forever and my family all have their own life. I can only live mine in a way that is incongruous with my own value system.
Blackhound, I've been away from the forum for a while so have only just seen your post. As you know, I am local to you and know lots of people in the village. I have to tell you that I've seen and heard nothing - I hope that's reassuring.
Hope you're doing OK; the offer of a walk/coffee/chat is always there xx
Hope you're doing OK; the offer of a walk/coffee/chat is always there xx