Life after prison - my perspective
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So, I've just put a long post of my husband's experiences and I think it might be useful to put mine!
My husband left home on the day of his arrest after a vigilante livestream. I supported him, from a distance, in getting through this ordeal, whilst struggling with my own mental health as a result of the situation. I am now nearly 3 years past that dreadful day and I can say that I feel I am through it. I honestly didn't think I could ever be happy and relaxed with people ever again, but I am. I am me, authentically me, and I am responsible for myself only. He is responsible for himself. I remain supportive but I don't do things on his behalf. He is a grown man who made big mistakes, but he also chose to break our marriage vows and his promises to me, so he can chose to live his life as he feels fit.
We have now started to break our financial links, so we can be fully independent. We are doing this without solicitors getting involved and taking even more of our savings, we remain committed to ensuring that we honour our long marriage and relationship, whilst ensuring we are fair with each other....so far so good!
There have been silver linings, many of them, I believe that to find them I had to be more vulnerable and open to people's kindness. My friends and family have been amazing and I have found new friends along the way. They held me up when I felt I couldn't. I will be forever grateful.
This forum too was a lifesaver. I read every post initially and asked questions which were kindly answered, I also vented, a lot! I pop in occasionally now, to remind myself that things need to change, as the way we treat these offenders and families is just not right, I remain committed to helping influence change.
So, unbelievably, I have found the light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel, and I survived! You will too!
Sending love and strength to you all!
Xxxx
My husband left home on the day of his arrest after a vigilante livestream. I supported him, from a distance, in getting through this ordeal, whilst struggling with my own mental health as a result of the situation. I am now nearly 3 years past that dreadful day and I can say that I feel I am through it. I honestly didn't think I could ever be happy and relaxed with people ever again, but I am. I am me, authentically me, and I am responsible for myself only. He is responsible for himself. I remain supportive but I don't do things on his behalf. He is a grown man who made big mistakes, but he also chose to break our marriage vows and his promises to me, so he can chose to live his life as he feels fit.
We have now started to break our financial links, so we can be fully independent. We are doing this without solicitors getting involved and taking even more of our savings, we remain committed to ensuring that we honour our long marriage and relationship, whilst ensuring we are fair with each other....so far so good!
There have been silver linings, many of them, I believe that to find them I had to be more vulnerable and open to people's kindness. My friends and family have been amazing and I have found new friends along the way. They held me up when I felt I couldn't. I will be forever grateful.
This forum too was a lifesaver. I read every post initially and asked questions which were kindly answered, I also vented, a lot! I pop in occasionally now, to remind myself that things need to change, as the way we treat these offenders and families is just not right, I remain committed to helping influence change.
So, unbelievably, I have found the light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel, and I survived! You will too!
Sending love and strength to you all!
Xxxx
Hi Tabs
Good to hear from you and glad you're doing ok and have found some happiness in yourself that is the one thing we all want to come back :-)
I read your post from your hubby's perspective and I think this is the first time I have read from someone who was in prison and is now out a hard read about the sheer lack of support both inside and especially around the job centre and finding accommodation does not surprise me but this should not be the case, how do we expect our offenders to be able to move on etc
For me what they are told to what support they do actually receive inside is so so different my son has to much time to think and has enrolled on courses but it will be some time yet before he has things to keep him busy
I am please your hubby is trying to rebuild and I honestly wish him all the very best and I hope that he to find his happiness from within
Xxx
Good to hear from you and glad you're doing ok and have found some happiness in yourself that is the one thing we all want to come back :-)
I read your post from your hubby's perspective and I think this is the first time I have read from someone who was in prison and is now out a hard read about the sheer lack of support both inside and especially around the job centre and finding accommodation does not surprise me but this should not be the case, how do we expect our offenders to be able to move on etc
For me what they are told to what support they do actually receive inside is so so different my son has to much time to think and has enrolled on courses but it will be some time yet before he has things to keep him busy
I am please your hubby is trying to rebuild and I honestly wish him all the very best and I hope that he to find his happiness from within
Xxx
I just find this so terrifying as my son will need much support when he leaves prison as he will have nothing!
Everything in prison is snail pace (Covid hasn't helped) but I really despair at the thought of no treatment programmes etc to address why he went down this path, it is so wrong.
I'm just so scared for him......
Everything in prison is snail pace (Covid hasn't helped) but I really despair at the thought of no treatment programmes etc to address why he went down this path, it is so wrong.
I'm just so scared for him......
I really don't want to make you worry! This is his experience, as he said it will be different for others. He is an older man, and has some money invested. Things would be different if he had no money I'm sure.
He is still living in the emergency accommodation, which he says is nice, it's basic but has everything he needs, and it is the area that he wants to settle, and importantly, he does not have to pay for this, so it has given him breathing space to get himself sorted and adjust to being outside.
He seems happy, he is optimistic, and he is looking forward. One thing is for sure, it's tons better than being inside still and they do not end up on the street!
I hope I haven't made you feel worse, I just wanted to share his experience, as probably, like me, you have no idea of what is likely to happen. Xx
He is still living in the emergency accommodation, which he says is nice, it's basic but has everything he needs, and it is the area that he wants to settle, and importantly, he does not have to pay for this, so it has given him breathing space to get himself sorted and adjust to being outside.
He seems happy, he is optimistic, and he is looking forward. One thing is for sure, it's tons better than being inside still and they do not end up on the street!
I hope I haven't made you feel worse, I just wanted to share his experience, as probably, like me, you have no idea of what is likely to happen. Xx
Thank you, thank you - I needed this so much. Fate must be playing a hand today - today has been one of my lowest days since my world was detonated. I am overwhelmed with disbelief that the prospect of partner/ex going to prison is even a feature in my life. I am distraught that my beautiful, innocent, clever, kind and funny sons will always have a criminal for a father. So, so far from what I had hoped and imagined for them at their formative ages. It's just shattering. I think we're over as a couple, but I am determined that we will always always be a family, and ex has many years ahead of him to create distance between him and his offending past. Every day is a step away from badness and takes him closer to goodness, and a healthy, honest and productive life - which includes rebuilding relationships. Do you mind me asking how long your person was in prison?
Bless you Tabs..... my son still has a while to serve, but I desperately worry about his future. In prison he's in a bubble with no day-to-day responsibility to worry about - but he's never lived on his own - I just hope he copes!
im sure he will but us mothers never stop over worrying!
im sure he will but us mothers never stop over worrying!
And I agree that it is shocking that there is no real work being done to rehabilitate offenders, as that is supposedly one of the major purposes, along with retribution, incapacitation and deterrence. It would horrify joe public to know the reality! xx
Nearly two years passed Tabs, 4 moves and not a word about programmes.
Intatters, he was inside for 14 months. It was shattering as it was unexpected, one conversation, no images, but sexual chat and arranged to meet. He was using social media to hook up with women, unbeknown to me! I didnt think he would survive, but he did. Other prisoners helped him initially.
I felt it was another punishment for me, having gone through a lot with the Facebook attention, as I was the only one supporting him and it put more pressure on me. We had lost our old lives, him more so as he lost his job, me, his home, his family. You'd have thought that was punishment enough. We funded therapy for him straight away and psychological evaluations, which uncovered childhood abuse and personality disorders. But I did get through it and you will too. I think I'm a better more compassion person now. I try not to be judgmental, as none of us know what someone else is going through. Xx
I felt it was another punishment for me, having gone through a lot with the Facebook attention, as I was the only one supporting him and it put more pressure on me. We had lost our old lives, him more so as he lost his job, me, his home, his family. You'd have thought that was punishment enough. We funded therapy for him straight away and psychological evaluations, which uncovered childhood abuse and personality disorders. But I did get through it and you will too. I think I'm a better more compassion person now. I try not to be judgmental, as none of us know what someone else is going through. Xx
Shocking Smile through tears. It's such a broken system, not at all fit for purpose! xx
I wanted to say thank you to both you and your husband for sharing your journey. It was really interesting to read his perspectives on things and to envisage what the next phase might be.
I'm so grateful, as I'm sure many others are, that you're taken the time out to share you experience with us, especially when you are working so hard to move on to the next phase of your life. There is so little insight as to what the other side looks like.
I really do wish you and your husband the very best, both working through the separation and on the next phase of your lives. Your wise words and perspective on the situation has helped me greatly as have the practical information and knowledge you've shared - Thank you
If anyone else has experiences the other side of a custodial, I think there are a few people that would appreciate hearing about it. I'm personally most interested to know about employment and housing in release.
I'm so grateful, as I'm sure many others are, that you're taken the time out to share you experience with us, especially when you are working so hard to move on to the next phase of your life. There is so little insight as to what the other side looks like.
I really do wish you and your husband the very best, both working through the separation and on the next phase of your lives. Your wise words and perspective on the situation has helped me greatly as have the practical information and knowledge you've shared - Thank you
If anyone else has experiences the other side of a custodial, I think there are a few people that would appreciate hearing about it. I'm personally most interested to know about employment and housing in release.
Well done tabs and thank you!
How would you say you are feeling now out of 10 if 10 was the normal prior to this?
Smile, try not to think about the whats ifs, your son still has his mothers love and support which will pull him thru, you are doing amazing x
How would you say you are feeling now out of 10 if 10 was the normal prior to this?
Smile, try not to think about the whats ifs, your son still has his mothers love and support which will pull him thru, you are doing amazing x
Wow thank you so much info for us all and so brave to give it xxx
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I would say I'm a 10/10 again! But a different 10. It's not the same, I have a different life, not the one I/we planned, or worked hard for, but I am happy and I am surrounded by people I love. I believe I have grown as a person too, in a good way.
I have finally learned not to look back and think of the 'what if's'. It's not helpful and only damages myself.
I lost a sibling a few months ago, after a very short illness. It highlights that life is not guaranteed, it's for living and making the most of each day.
I do though remember very clearly how hard it was. I was on my knees, I couldn't see a future. I was terrified all the time and incredibly upset, always crying. But it subsided over time and with a lot of effort and support from others. It was shock and grief. Understanding the grief cycle and recognising that my anger, sadness etc was all normal helped me identify my emotions and I always allowed myself to 'feel', with no apologies.
X
I have finally learned not to look back and think of the 'what if's'. It's not helpful and only damages myself.
I lost a sibling a few months ago, after a very short illness. It highlights that life is not guaranteed, it's for living and making the most of each day.
I do though remember very clearly how hard it was. I was on my knees, I couldn't see a future. I was terrified all the time and incredibly upset, always crying. But it subsided over time and with a lot of effort and support from others. It was shock and grief. Understanding the grief cycle and recognising that my anger, sadness etc was all normal helped me identify my emotions and I always allowed myself to 'feel', with no apologies.
X
Tabs - you are one hell of a woman. X