Advice needed
Notifications OFF
Hi all, I'm in a bit of a quandary & I'm really not sure what to do.
I met this guy & we instantly fell for each other, which is so not me. I'm incredibly picky when it comes to relationships & I don't even understand what happened. All I know is that there's love & I've never felt this way about someone before.
Once we both realised our feelings he told me he wanted to be completely honest with me, and I found out that he was on the register for indecent images of children & that he had told the police about me & that he wanted a long term relationship. I was horrified but I couldn't leave, we talked about it for hours. He explained that his ex had an abortion (planned pregnancy) & left him, which caused him to go into deep depression. He's not a fan of porn but his mate suggested he try "extreme porn" to get out of his "funk".
This is where he behaves like a completely stupid idiot & does what his friend tells him. Unfortunately within this "extreme porn" were images of children, which he says that in his depression he just exited out of the images as soon as he saw them but unfortunately they were now on his computer. He said the reason he knows how truly depressed he was is because he felt no alarm at seeing those images, they just weren't something he wanted to see or was interested in so he clicked off them. There were no alarm bells in his head... however there was a current police sting in that area & he was arrested.
His lawyer advised him to plead guilty for a lesser charge. He got community service & 10 years on the Sexual Offenders register. He saw the GP, got antidepressants & realised the enormity of what he done. I'm pretty good at reading people & can see that he hates himself for it & regrets every single part of it.
The police wanted to speak to me to ensure he had told me everything. Then they basically told me that if I chose to stay with him then they would have to inform my workplace (NHS, non clinical but occasional contact with very young children). They also told me that I would be frowned upon by my workplace for choosing to stay with him, essentially suggesting that I could lose my job over something he did 7 years ago before I even met him. They also told me that they would have to tell all my family & friends that have children that may come into contact with him.
Now I've never been in trouble before, never rebelled & certainly never had the police treat me like I was condoning his actions (which i wasn't, as he's fully aware of) or that I had been the one to commit a crime. But that is exactly how it came across, not only that... they did all this in front of him. We both felt like there was no choice as he didn't feel like I should lose my job because of something he did 7 years ago & I had never been exposed to anything like this.
We made the decision to split up, but keep in touch so that I can be there support him with it... we informed the police of this & I've not heard anything further from them & he hasn't had much from him other than a "are you okay" phone call. That was 3 months ago & we're still both as miserable as sin & our feelings for each other haven't changed.
I'm really at a loss of what to do, I feel like I'm being forced into risking my one shot at happiness. I absolutely love my job & I know my life would be very restricted until he comes off the register. But I feel like I can't move on from him, despite hating what he did. Equally he hasn't done anything wrong since it happened & has never been in trouble with the police prior to this so I'm struggling to get my head around their reaction.
Has anyone else received this sort of treatment from the police or had their job "threatened"? Has anyone lost their job because of their partner's actions? I've been researching disqualification by association & it doesn't cover my job, but then why did the police suggest that it may? I'm also checking my contract & my work Safeguarding policy.
Sorry for the long post, I'm just feeling very lost & fair bit angry that I'm essentially being blackmailed into not being with someone. Especially given that I thought this was meant to be rehabilitation in the community & surely a secure, honest & loving relationship helps in that? I have no idea what to do & I feel like it's breaking me.
Thanks in advance for any replies! Any advice or experiences are gratefully appreciated xx
I met this guy & we instantly fell for each other, which is so not me. I'm incredibly picky when it comes to relationships & I don't even understand what happened. All I know is that there's love & I've never felt this way about someone before.
Once we both realised our feelings he told me he wanted to be completely honest with me, and I found out that he was on the register for indecent images of children & that he had told the police about me & that he wanted a long term relationship. I was horrified but I couldn't leave, we talked about it for hours. He explained that his ex had an abortion (planned pregnancy) & left him, which caused him to go into deep depression. He's not a fan of porn but his mate suggested he try "extreme porn" to get out of his "funk".
This is where he behaves like a completely stupid idiot & does what his friend tells him. Unfortunately within this "extreme porn" were images of children, which he says that in his depression he just exited out of the images as soon as he saw them but unfortunately they were now on his computer. He said the reason he knows how truly depressed he was is because he felt no alarm at seeing those images, they just weren't something he wanted to see or was interested in so he clicked off them. There were no alarm bells in his head... however there was a current police sting in that area & he was arrested.
His lawyer advised him to plead guilty for a lesser charge. He got community service & 10 years on the Sexual Offenders register. He saw the GP, got antidepressants & realised the enormity of what he done. I'm pretty good at reading people & can see that he hates himself for it & regrets every single part of it.
The police wanted to speak to me to ensure he had told me everything. Then they basically told me that if I chose to stay with him then they would have to inform my workplace (NHS, non clinical but occasional contact with very young children). They also told me that I would be frowned upon by my workplace for choosing to stay with him, essentially suggesting that I could lose my job over something he did 7 years ago before I even met him. They also told me that they would have to tell all my family & friends that have children that may come into contact with him.
Now I've never been in trouble before, never rebelled & certainly never had the police treat me like I was condoning his actions (which i wasn't, as he's fully aware of) or that I had been the one to commit a crime. But that is exactly how it came across, not only that... they did all this in front of him. We both felt like there was no choice as he didn't feel like I should lose my job because of something he did 7 years ago & I had never been exposed to anything like this.
We made the decision to split up, but keep in touch so that I can be there support him with it... we informed the police of this & I've not heard anything further from them & he hasn't had much from him other than a "are you okay" phone call. That was 3 months ago & we're still both as miserable as sin & our feelings for each other haven't changed.
I'm really at a loss of what to do, I feel like I'm being forced into risking my one shot at happiness. I absolutely love my job & I know my life would be very restricted until he comes off the register. But I feel like I can't move on from him, despite hating what he did. Equally he hasn't done anything wrong since it happened & has never been in trouble with the police prior to this so I'm struggling to get my head around their reaction.
Has anyone else received this sort of treatment from the police or had their job "threatened"? Has anyone lost their job because of their partner's actions? I've been researching disqualification by association & it doesn't cover my job, but then why did the police suggest that it may? I'm also checking my contract & my work Safeguarding policy.
Sorry for the long post, I'm just feeling very lost & fair bit angry that I'm essentially being blackmailed into not being with someone. Especially given that I thought this was meant to be rehabilitation in the community & surely a secure, honest & loving relationship helps in that? I have no idea what to do & I feel like it's breaking me.
Thanks in advance for any replies! Any advice or experiences are gratefully appreciated xx
Hi there, I was in a similar situation. I met and fell in love with my partner who then told me he was under investigation for Iioc offences. It shocked me and we also talked it through and have stayed with him. He is three years post sentencing and also 10 years on the register and SHPO.
I don't have kids myself and I don't work in an area with young children. Hopefully someone on here can clarify the rules for disclosure to work places. I know there is a law now saying you can't lose a job or be punished as a form of association to an offender.
With regards to the police saying you have to let family members know with kids- this may not be the case. Does he have a condition on his SHPO or on the SOR that he has to disclose to parents? If not then I can't see how the police can justify what they are asking you to do. I have an agreement with the police that I don't need to tell some of my family as I don't see them often, they live out of area and I will go to family events without my partner.
I haven't faced direct feeling of concern or judgement from the police. I think his visor officer is pretty fair.
But being with an offender is tough and will over hang the relationship, I have made peace with that. Hopefully other here will give more advice too and give you a chance to question the police's requirements
I don't have kids myself and I don't work in an area with young children. Hopefully someone on here can clarify the rules for disclosure to work places. I know there is a law now saying you can't lose a job or be punished as a form of association to an offender.
With regards to the police saying you have to let family members know with kids- this may not be the case. Does he have a condition on his SHPO or on the SOR that he has to disclose to parents? If not then I can't see how the police can justify what they are asking you to do. I have an agreement with the police that I don't need to tell some of my family as I don't see them often, they live out of area and I will go to family events without my partner.
I haven't faced direct feeling of concern or judgement from the police. I think his visor officer is pretty fair.
But being with an offender is tough and will over hang the relationship, I have made peace with that. Hopefully other here will give more advice too and give you a chance to question the police's requirements
Hey,
I'm not sure why the Police would have to tell your work as it's nothing to do with your partner, and occasionally coming into contact with children pretty much comes under many job roles - working in a shop etc. I've only heard of it affecting your job if you're a teacher. I had never encountered the Police before my partner was arrested and only now can I see a lot of them are seemingly liars, manipulators and get a kick out of bullying people into doing what they want. Call the Unlock charity and check that they are right in what they're saying. They shouldn't be trying to control people unless direct access to children is involved, people have lives to live. Xx
I'm not sure why the Police would have to tell your work as it's nothing to do with your partner, and occasionally coming into contact with children pretty much comes under many job roles - working in a shop etc. I've only heard of it affecting your job if you're a teacher. I had never encountered the Police before my partner was arrested and only now can I see a lot of them are seemingly liars, manipulators and get a kick out of bullying people into doing what they want. Call the Unlock charity and check that they are right in what they're saying. They shouldn't be trying to control people unless direct access to children is involved, people have lives to live. Xx
No advice as I have never been in this position BUT this is a thing that terrifies me for my son ,who is Rui for iioc. That he will never be able to have a reciprocal good loving relationship because of this. He is the kindest, most gentle, decent ( yep ) young man, and like the men you have met would be open and honest. I hope you find a way through xx
As others have said, call Unlock for advise regarding employment. It seems to me that the police have over stepped the mark / painted the worse case scenario to you about what a future with him could be like.
It is true, there are likely to be implication to being in a relationship with him and perhaps that's what they were trying to explain but these will be related to SHPO and SOR. Ask him for the details on his SHPO and look at the ways in which it may impact you. It isn't something to be taken likely but if you feel there is a love and a future there, then it is possible but you need to be armed with the correct information, which isn't always easy to come by. They appear to have made some sweeping statements that they do not know what the outcome would be ie they don't know for sure you'd loose your job, even if they did have to inform them - Reactions are very different from person to person / place to place.
Although a slightly different (my person didn't tell me and allowed me to enter the relationship when this was hanging over him). I do very much feel that it is love and like you I don't enter into relationships easy, often or quickly. From the outside I think people would struggle to understand why I'd choose to stay in a relatively new relationship. Your person sounds like he's been very open and honest which is admirable and shows he's taking responsibility. It's such a shame that there is so much stigma with this crime and many people can't see or believe that it was a one off or they've turned over a new leaf.
It is true, there are likely to be implication to being in a relationship with him and perhaps that's what they were trying to explain but these will be related to SHPO and SOR. Ask him for the details on his SHPO and look at the ways in which it may impact you. It isn't something to be taken likely but if you feel there is a love and a future there, then it is possible but you need to be armed with the correct information, which isn't always easy to come by. They appear to have made some sweeping statements that they do not know what the outcome would be ie they don't know for sure you'd loose your job, even if they did have to inform them - Reactions are very different from person to person / place to place.
Although a slightly different (my person didn't tell me and allowed me to enter the relationship when this was hanging over him). I do very much feel that it is love and like you I don't enter into relationships easy, often or quickly. From the outside I think people would struggle to understand why I'd choose to stay in a relatively new relationship. Your person sounds like he's been very open and honest which is admirable and shows he's taking responsibility. It's such a shame that there is so much stigma with this crime and many people can't see or believe that it was a one off or they've turned over a new leaf.
Thank you, I really appreciate all your replies. I will ask him to show me the conditions of his SHPO which he'll do. I know one is that he has to have checks of his phone & computer.
I had spoken on the phone to his visor Lee (she's relatively new, his previous one was apparently lovely & told him that there was no reason he couldn't try for a new relationship as long as he was honest). It was almost like as soon as she found out where I worked I felt like her attitude changed towards me & that she saw me as guilty as he was for not running for the hills. I spoke briefly to her boss who seemed nice.
Then they sent out two members of the supervision team (or whatever they are called) to get me to sign a disclosure form, it was the male officer who told me my work would frown on my decision to stay with him & made me feel as though my job was on the line.
I understand what he did what awful, but things aren't always black & white. There may not be any excuses, but there are certainly contributory factors to consider. I thought the whole point of them serving their sentence in the community was to encourage rehabilitation, I don't understand how they are meant to achieve that if they are being judged at every turn. Surely haven't people to support them is essential in the rehabilitation process?
I will definitely speak to someone at the Unlock charity though. I did browse the website when I first found out to make sure I knew a little more about it all. He has definitely been open & honest with me which I think shows that he's serious about this. He even said I could tell my mum so that I could have someone to talk to about it bar him, knowing that essentially he would not be seen as ideal son-in-law material by her if I told her. She's not taken it very well & is pretty protective of me, but after a few arguments she's trying with him for me & all I can hope is that she sees what I see.
Thank you for all being so supportive x
I had spoken on the phone to his visor Lee (she's relatively new, his previous one was apparently lovely & told him that there was no reason he couldn't try for a new relationship as long as he was honest). It was almost like as soon as she found out where I worked I felt like her attitude changed towards me & that she saw me as guilty as he was for not running for the hills. I spoke briefly to her boss who seemed nice.
Then they sent out two members of the supervision team (or whatever they are called) to get me to sign a disclosure form, it was the male officer who told me my work would frown on my decision to stay with him & made me feel as though my job was on the line.
I understand what he did what awful, but things aren't always black & white. There may not be any excuses, but there are certainly contributory factors to consider. I thought the whole point of them serving their sentence in the community was to encourage rehabilitation, I don't understand how they are meant to achieve that if they are being judged at every turn. Surely haven't people to support them is essential in the rehabilitation process?
I will definitely speak to someone at the Unlock charity though. I did browse the website when I first found out to make sure I knew a little more about it all. He has definitely been open & honest with me which I think shows that he's serious about this. He even said I could tell my mum so that I could have someone to talk to about it bar him, knowing that essentially he would not be seen as ideal son-in-law material by her if I told her. She's not taken it very well & is pretty protective of me, but after a few arguments she's trying with him for me & all I can hope is that she sees what I see.
Thank you for all being so supportive x
Dizzy_Panda
I hope you can get through this, they are offenders but they deserve to rebuild a life and as Lee said having support and understanding means so much
Yes there will be conditions but you standing by him knowing what he has done gives me hope for my son , yes I do not condone what they have done but as you said it is not always black and white
You seem a very level headed person and you dont judge
It's not going to be a smooth journey but you know the truth and are willing to make it work
We all have one chance at life and you need to do what is right for you xx
I hope you can get through this, they are offenders but they deserve to rebuild a life and as Lee said having support and understanding means so much
Yes there will be conditions but you standing by him knowing what he has done gives me hope for my son , yes I do not condone what they have done but as you said it is not always black and white
You seem a very level headed person and you dont judge
It's not going to be a smooth journey but you know the truth and are willing to make it work
We all have one chance at life and you need to do what is right for you xx
I'd echo what Upset Mum has said, you sound level headed and seem to be taking the offence seriously but also seeing past the offence and looking at the person.
I have a question about signing the disclosure please? What is it and what is its purpose?
Upset Mum, my person's parents are both no longer alive, and in the main I'm glad they died never knowing, but sometimes I really wish his mother was here because I feel she'd see in him what I see and understand why and how I can still love him - It sometimes feel very lonely holding those feelings.
I have a question about signing the disclosure please? What is it and what is its purpose?
Upset Mum, my person's parents are both no longer alive, and in the main I'm glad they died never knowing, but sometimes I really wish his mother was here because I feel she'd see in him what I see and understand why and how I can still love him - It sometimes feel very lonely holding those feelings.
SAL
It's sad they are no longer here as I know his mum would be there for you both
You have so much strength in you but I understand the pressure you must be under
If you want to stay, if you want to continue to support, if you can see past the crime and can look at the man he was before this as this is just a piece of them , it does not define him and to be honest we are still here no matter what this crap journey has been
If people choose to leave then that's fine no judgement made but for those who want to be there it really does make a difference
Xx
It's sad they are no longer here as I know his mum would be there for you both
You have so much strength in you but I understand the pressure you must be under
If you want to stay, if you want to continue to support, if you can see past the crime and can look at the man he was before this as this is just a piece of them , it does not define him and to be honest we are still here no matter what this crap journey has been
If people choose to leave then that's fine no judgement made but for those who want to be there it really does make a difference
Xx
Hi,
I'm so sorry for the situation your in and how you've been treated. It is my husband who has been sentenced and I work in the NHS.
my experience- they are not allowed to tell your employer directly. They can however refer you to LADO which means you have to disclose to your employer. However just being in a relationship with an offender does not fit the referral criteria if you are non clinical.
I have been referred, but it was social services that did this as we have a child. Originally the police said they didn't need to refer me and were happy with it-I am clinical.
I have disclosed it all to my employer and they have been nothing but supportive the entire way through, it has not been marked on my record at all and hasn't changed anything for me.
definitely call unlock, but it sounds like they are being a bit heavy handed in what they've said and how they've treated you xx
I'm so sorry for the situation your in and how you've been treated. It is my husband who has been sentenced and I work in the NHS.
my experience- they are not allowed to tell your employer directly. They can however refer you to LADO which means you have to disclose to your employer. However just being in a relationship with an offender does not fit the referral criteria if you are non clinical.
I have been referred, but it was social services that did this as we have a child. Originally the police said they didn't need to refer me and were happy with it-I am clinical.
I have disclosed it all to my employer and they have been nothing but supportive the entire way through, it has not been marked on my record at all and hasn't changed anything for me.
definitely call unlock, but it sounds like they are being a bit heavy handed in what they've said and how they've treated you xx
Sal, the disclosure was a document I had to sign after the police advised me of his charges to say that I would not pass any of the information they had told me on to others. I presume it's because I'm a new partner & if we split up they didn't want me spreading it about, which I would never do anyway.
GZ I think you're right, that they were being heavy handed. I used to be clinical but due to a long term health condition I had to transfer to non-clinical (working with staff not patients) which I did tell them. They told me that they could tell the trust's Safeguarding Team because of my previous position & the area I work. He thinks they were trying to scare me off but I'm just a little paranoid that they will do what they say.
It does seem like the team managing him aren't really that great. He rechecked his SHPO conditions & doesn't match what they told me about having to tell family & friends who have kids. So I'm a little confused. His SHPO also finishes this year.
I struggle with the unknown & I think that's what I'm really having difficulty with at the moment. The information given to me by the police just doesn't seem to match up which is a bit of a mind mess. My plan is to ring unlock tomorrow for advice.
On a positive note, my mum does seem to be coming around. He came to help out at mine this weekend & they seemed to get on. Hopefully it'll continue!
GZ I think you're right, that they were being heavy handed. I used to be clinical but due to a long term health condition I had to transfer to non-clinical (working with staff not patients) which I did tell them. They told me that they could tell the trust's Safeguarding Team because of my previous position & the area I work. He thinks they were trying to scare me off but I'm just a little paranoid that they will do what they say.
It does seem like the team managing him aren't really that great. He rechecked his SHPO conditions & doesn't match what they told me about having to tell family & friends who have kids. So I'm a little confused. His SHPO also finishes this year.
I struggle with the unknown & I think that's what I'm really having difficulty with at the moment. The information given to me by the police just doesn't seem to match up which is a bit of a mind mess. My plan is to ring unlock tomorrow for advice.
On a positive note, my mum does seem to be coming around. He came to help out at mine this weekend & they seemed to get on. Hopefully it'll continue!
Thank you Lee! Xx