Positive Outcomes
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Does anybody have any stories or experiences they can share regarding any positive outcomes, ie has anybody made it through this awful process with minimal damage, Or am I trying to be desperately optimistic? Also, has anybody’s husband/son/partner successfully regained employment, even if it’s much further down the line?
Crystal, I can honestly tell you that I am leading a fulfilling and positive life now. I did have to leave my offender ex-husband in order to move on, though. I relocated to a different part of the country, away from old associations, and - the best thing of all - I have got a new partner. I had thought I was in a happy marriage with my ex until he got arrested and I consequently discovered all his deceit and criminality, but my new partner makes me very happy indeed. In the early days following his arrest, I honestly didn't believe that I'd ever get my life back on track. How could I find something as comfortable and intimate as over 20 years of shared marital history with someone new? But actually I feel as close to my new partner as I ever felt with my ex. As I said in another thread, there has been a massive price to pay - I've lost friends along the way and I am emotionally much more volatile than I was before. But I wake up every morning full of gratitude for the life I am living now. I sincerely hope that this will be the case for you too at some point in the future. Take care X
Thanks Esther, I am so happy for you, you deserve to be happy and I love it that you have your ‘Happy ever after’. This is my second marriage and I didn’t actually realise how happy I was until it all collapsed around my ears. After 11 years as a stay at home mum, I find I am going to be sole provider for my three beautiful children and whilst that fills me with dread at the moment, I know I can do this. I’m on damage limitation at the moment, but once I can start to be proactive, I’ll be fine. It’s great to know that there are amazing people such as yourself out there, thank you so much for sharing all your experiences to help us all. I think I just achieved a record two hour sleep! Goodnight.
I too keep searching for positive outcomes. In the very beginning i was certain it would all be ok. Im still hoping and praying for that.
Massive hugs Maria, let’s stick together and hope like crazy this all ends up okay. I’ll settle for okay to be honest.
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Thank you, Crystal and Andrea. I really hope you have some positive outcomes too. They won't be immediate, but they are achievable. In the meantime, try to gain support from everyone who posts on the forum. This resource wasn't available in my darkest times: I could have really used it when I felt that everything was hopeless and I had no meaningful future.
Hi Crystal and others.
This post really caught my eye and is my second post so far. As I said in a previous post it is 3 years to the day that the Police first came to my door, and so it seemed timely to get myself on here and share some experiences as wel as being part of a community that will continue to help me.
My 3 years has been quite a journey, as all of yours will be. Strangely enough it still feels fairly fresh in my mind, but thanks to a lot of support along the way with my mental health I’m finally in a place that it is quieter.
One month after the police came 3 years ago, I moved to an entirely new city that was in the same county where I used to live but i knew no-one. I started a new job, found a house-share and for about 2 months really really struggled but I kept myself well by going out for lots of walks, connecting with nature, finding ways of escaping the hellish reality for just short periods of time to let my brain rest. After a few months, I started socialising more and joined some fitness groups outdoors in the fresh air. This was the best thing I could have done for me. Not only did the exercise help with endorphins and being a natural antidepressant, I met people and built a social network. I started to feel more like me. Within a year and after some savings and support from my parents I managed to buy my own flat, which was huge.
I was fortunate enough to meet someone, by chance, after 8 months. Initially I had planned for it to be a short term relationship but this turned into something much more meaningful and special. The first 6 months were agony and a highly anxious time for me. How could I possibly trust someone again?? I thought about ending it many a time but I was genuinely the happiest I had ever been. My friends started to comment, ‘we’ve got the real ‘Rebecca’ back’ and I fell head over heals in love, starting to understand what a healthy relationship looked like and how people can behave appropriately. Whilst we have chosen to take things very steady, I am still with this man and he moves in with me early next year. I had not realised quite how emotionally abusive my ex had been, prior to me finding out (manipulating situations so that he had time, making it unbearable for me to be in the house, picking a fight over nothing, denying sex, humiliating me etc.) as well as after the police arrived when he would say ‘no-one can find out else it’ll be over for me’, suggesting he’d end his own life. This was a huge burden to carry and one I managed to shrug off 13 months after his arrest when he was sentence. I finally had closure. However, this hold continued as I didn’t feel able to tell my family due to what my ex had said about them knowing for another year. I have now blocked my ex, he has no means of contacting me. I can see the abusive patterns he had got us into and he has no part in my life now.
I have been lucky enough to have counselling through a work scheme, EMDR - a trauma based therapy as I was experiencing symptoms of PTSD and ongoing therapeutic support as and when I need it but i have had to self-fund this. I also practice mindfulness and yoga, for me these were new but have really really helped.
Take each phase as another hurdle, you will come to them naturally. To think of all the things and stages I have gone through at the beginning would have been unimaginable and too overwhelming. But over time, you will get over and achieve each hurdle, bit by bit. I would encourage you to seek help for yourself, professionally and personally if you can. Spend time with people who care for you. They will be there for you and care even if they don’t know exactly what has happened. Find a form of exercise that helps you - for me it really helped with my levels of agitation and needing to be busy all the time.
Every now and then I have to pinch myself about the situation I am in. I woke up the other day crying happy tears with my new partner because I never ever thought I could be in the position I am in feeling as warm and fuzzy as I do. Is it plain sailing? No, but by tuning into myself, talking openly and having a positive attitude, I get by and make the most of what life throws at me. The anxiety will always be there, but you can find ways of managing it in time.
Don’t lose hope. xx
This post really caught my eye and is my second post so far. As I said in a previous post it is 3 years to the day that the Police first came to my door, and so it seemed timely to get myself on here and share some experiences as wel as being part of a community that will continue to help me.
My 3 years has been quite a journey, as all of yours will be. Strangely enough it still feels fairly fresh in my mind, but thanks to a lot of support along the way with my mental health I’m finally in a place that it is quieter.
One month after the police came 3 years ago, I moved to an entirely new city that was in the same county where I used to live but i knew no-one. I started a new job, found a house-share and for about 2 months really really struggled but I kept myself well by going out for lots of walks, connecting with nature, finding ways of escaping the hellish reality for just short periods of time to let my brain rest. After a few months, I started socialising more and joined some fitness groups outdoors in the fresh air. This was the best thing I could have done for me. Not only did the exercise help with endorphins and being a natural antidepressant, I met people and built a social network. I started to feel more like me. Within a year and after some savings and support from my parents I managed to buy my own flat, which was huge.
I was fortunate enough to meet someone, by chance, after 8 months. Initially I had planned for it to be a short term relationship but this turned into something much more meaningful and special. The first 6 months were agony and a highly anxious time for me. How could I possibly trust someone again?? I thought about ending it many a time but I was genuinely the happiest I had ever been. My friends started to comment, ‘we’ve got the real ‘Rebecca’ back’ and I fell head over heals in love, starting to understand what a healthy relationship looked like and how people can behave appropriately. Whilst we have chosen to take things very steady, I am still with this man and he moves in with me early next year. I had not realised quite how emotionally abusive my ex had been, prior to me finding out (manipulating situations so that he had time, making it unbearable for me to be in the house, picking a fight over nothing, denying sex, humiliating me etc.) as well as after the police arrived when he would say ‘no-one can find out else it’ll be over for me’, suggesting he’d end his own life. This was a huge burden to carry and one I managed to shrug off 13 months after his arrest when he was sentence. I finally had closure. However, this hold continued as I didn’t feel able to tell my family due to what my ex had said about them knowing for another year. I have now blocked my ex, he has no means of contacting me. I can see the abusive patterns he had got us into and he has no part in my life now.
I have been lucky enough to have counselling through a work scheme, EMDR - a trauma based therapy as I was experiencing symptoms of PTSD and ongoing therapeutic support as and when I need it but i have had to self-fund this. I also practice mindfulness and yoga, for me these were new but have really really helped.
Take each phase as another hurdle, you will come to them naturally. To think of all the things and stages I have gone through at the beginning would have been unimaginable and too overwhelming. But over time, you will get over and achieve each hurdle, bit by bit. I would encourage you to seek help for yourself, professionally and personally if you can. Spend time with people who care for you. They will be there for you and care even if they don’t know exactly what has happened. Find a form of exercise that helps you - for me it really helped with my levels of agitation and needing to be busy all the time.
Every now and then I have to pinch myself about the situation I am in. I woke up the other day crying happy tears with my new partner because I never ever thought I could be in the position I am in feeling as warm and fuzzy as I do. Is it plain sailing? No, but by tuning into myself, talking openly and having a positive attitude, I get by and make the most of what life throws at me. The anxiety will always be there, but you can find ways of managing it in time.
Don’t lose hope. xx
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Massive hugs to you Andrea. I feel exactly the same as you about the future and we are wonderful people, we must never forget that. Heartbreaking that you're making your trip alone now, but I think it will do you the world of good and may give you a platform from which you will see the future with positive eyes. You're never alone, never forget that, we're all right here with you.
Andrea, so glad that my post made you think about being patient with yourself.
What we are having to make sense of is something so very complex with such significant emotions attached. Every day I learn something new about the way in which I look at things or how I need to be kinder to myself. I too ask that question about when will I be fully operating at 100%. All I would say is that the days where you are operating at what feels like 1% will become fewer and further apart, so that your better days outweigh the rubbish ones. The running sounds absolutely brilliant and I am so amazed by your courage to go alone, that’s brilliant!
I didn’t want to paint too rosey a picture as there are times when I can’t figure out why I feel super agitated/anxious/low. But the more i’ve practiced just letting these emotions be rather than getting cross that I’m not operating at that 100% happy all the time, the sooner those moments disappear.
A couple of books I found helpful (although they definitely have a bit of a hippy edge):
1) Ruby Wax - ‘mindfulness for the frazzled’ - funny and easy to understand and goes through some simple day to day things you can do to focus your attention on the present rather than worrying about the future/the past.
2) ‘The things you can only see when you slow down’ - this is really easy to read and I just have it by my bed and pick it up when I fancy a read of something that helps me put things into perspective.
Are you able to see another GP perhaps or approach your local depression/anxiety service and do a self referral (most of these you can do online). Have a think about what might help you...there are also online self help sites for helping you make sense of anxiety symptoms - www.getselfhelp.org has quite a lot of info you might find helpful.
Crystal you are right, we should never feel alone. I think this forum is wonderful and a great way of preventing people from not feeling isolated. Even if people don’t post but just read things then that is fab. I definitely would have loved something like this before and this is my first experience of speaking to others who have experienced the same life challenge.
Take care guys x
What we are having to make sense of is something so very complex with such significant emotions attached. Every day I learn something new about the way in which I look at things or how I need to be kinder to myself. I too ask that question about when will I be fully operating at 100%. All I would say is that the days where you are operating at what feels like 1% will become fewer and further apart, so that your better days outweigh the rubbish ones. The running sounds absolutely brilliant and I am so amazed by your courage to go alone, that’s brilliant!
I didn’t want to paint too rosey a picture as there are times when I can’t figure out why I feel super agitated/anxious/low. But the more i’ve practiced just letting these emotions be rather than getting cross that I’m not operating at that 100% happy all the time, the sooner those moments disappear.
A couple of books I found helpful (although they definitely have a bit of a hippy edge):
1) Ruby Wax - ‘mindfulness for the frazzled’ - funny and easy to understand and goes through some simple day to day things you can do to focus your attention on the present rather than worrying about the future/the past.
2) ‘The things you can only see when you slow down’ - this is really easy to read and I just have it by my bed and pick it up when I fancy a read of something that helps me put things into perspective.
Are you able to see another GP perhaps or approach your local depression/anxiety service and do a self referral (most of these you can do online). Have a think about what might help you...there are also online self help sites for helping you make sense of anxiety symptoms - www.getselfhelp.org has quite a lot of info you might find helpful.
Crystal you are right, we should never feel alone. I think this forum is wonderful and a great way of preventing people from not feeling isolated. Even if people don’t post but just read things then that is fab. I definitely would have loved something like this before and this is my first experience of speaking to others who have experienced the same life challenge.
Take care guys x
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Hi all, as ever, thank you for your posts and contributions. It's so heartening to read the support, encouragement and advice that you are giving to each other.
I just wanted to share something of our experience at the Lucy Faithfull Foundation and on the Stop it Now! Helpline. As this thread shows, the answer is loud and clear: yes, there can be positive outcomes for all concerned. Of course - and you know this better than me - it's not easy, and there are often many hurdles to cross, but people do achieve happier and better futures. Some achieve this by strengthening their relationship with their partner who has offended, a change that is often brought about by the crisis heralded by the police investigation; others move on to new, and more fulfilling relationships, with new partners, just as some of you have described. Likewise, while the issues are different for the parents and adult children of people who have viewed these type of images, nevertheless relationships can be strengthened through the process of change and opening-up. These positive outcomes - whatever they might look like for the individuals involved - are worth aiming for because one thing is certain: things will not, and cannot, stay the same as they were.
I also thought it might be helpful to say that the same is true for people who have viewed illegal sexual content on the internet. They often go on to rebuild their lives through the support of others, as well as their own therapy, intervention and reflection etc. One of the great things about working at the Lucy Faithfull Foundation is that from time to time we are contacted by people who had contact with us many years ago (both people who have offended in some way and partners or family members). They share their stories of how their lives have changed for the better and how they have been able to move on. Indeed, often people say that their lives and relationships are better now than they ever were because they have been forced to deal with the hidden secret of their own or their loved one's behaviour.
I hope the above is helpful, and thanks again to you all for the care and love you are showing to one another.
I just wanted to share something of our experience at the Lucy Faithfull Foundation and on the Stop it Now! Helpline. As this thread shows, the answer is loud and clear: yes, there can be positive outcomes for all concerned. Of course - and you know this better than me - it's not easy, and there are often many hurdles to cross, but people do achieve happier and better futures. Some achieve this by strengthening their relationship with their partner who has offended, a change that is often brought about by the crisis heralded by the police investigation; others move on to new, and more fulfilling relationships, with new partners, just as some of you have described. Likewise, while the issues are different for the parents and adult children of people who have viewed these type of images, nevertheless relationships can be strengthened through the process of change and opening-up. These positive outcomes - whatever they might look like for the individuals involved - are worth aiming for because one thing is certain: things will not, and cannot, stay the same as they were.
I also thought it might be helpful to say that the same is true for people who have viewed illegal sexual content on the internet. They often go on to rebuild their lives through the support of others, as well as their own therapy, intervention and reflection etc. One of the great things about working at the Lucy Faithfull Foundation is that from time to time we are contacted by people who had contact with us many years ago (both people who have offended in some way and partners or family members). They share their stories of how their lives have changed for the better and how they have been able to move on. Indeed, often people say that their lives and relationships are better now than they ever were because they have been forced to deal with the hidden secret of their own or their loved one's behaviour.
I hope the above is helpful, and thanks again to you all for the care and love you are showing to one another.
Hi Lucy, thank you for your message - it really means a lot to hear from someone who sees this so often from the other side. Thank you so much for providing this service and platform - it really is an essential services to those of us who find ourselves dragged into a situation we never could have imagined - and for those who have found themselves on a path they wish to change and move on from. Your ongoing support is invaluable to all involved, so thank you for that. X
My answer is YES. I was devastated after my husband's arrest. How could my wonderful lovely man have done this? But he determinedly worked with SAA, Smart Recovery, Lucy Faithfull and a specialist therapist. His case hit the papers so we had to tell all our friends. But now we have discovered the huge love and support from family and friends - so much more than we could have imagined - and we have rediscovered our relationship. I've gotten back the man I fell in love with nearly 30 years ago. I am honestly grateful for this. He has been stopped before he did anything worse; we both are so thankful for that.
I know not everyone stays with their partner. It is so hard to realise that for years they have lived a deception. But the good person you love can still be there...
I know not everyone stays with their partner. It is so hard to realise that for years they have lived a deception. But the good person you love can still be there...
Jess, thank you so much for your response - I know I said it on another thread already, but you have no idea how much I need to hear this. I desperately want to make things work, and my partner seems fully committed to his recovery, so it means a lot to her from someone in a similar situation who has managed to make it work.
i really so wish you all the best and hope you can make it work in the long term - you’ve given me some hope for the future and faith that I’m not making a decision based on naivety and my tendency to see the best in people. Thank you for that <3
do you mind me asking how your friends took it - have many of them stood by you both?
thanks again for your message - it means the world to me <3
i really so wish you all the best and hope you can make it work in the long term - you’ve given me some hope for the future and faith that I’m not making a decision based on naivety and my tendency to see the best in people. Thank you for that <3
do you mind me asking how your friends took it - have many of them stood by you both?
thanks again for your message - it means the world to me <3
I was amazed by our friends. The police gave us 2 hours notice of the press release, and it ended up in all the papers! So in that short time my husband wrote to all our good friends asking their understanding and explaining what had happened. He was pretty hard on himself. The replies were incredibly generous and supportive. Almost none were critical; so many folk said that they had battled their own demons and did not judge him. He was astonished; one of his underlying problems (we now know) was very low self esteem - this helped him so much. On the flip side, I do not know how he will ever find a job again, after the publicity! But we actually don't care. We are together, he's not in prison and we are working out our next steps.
It is not all easy and not all good. Our daughter (16) will not speak to him. She cannot have friends to stay. He has a lot of work to do to make sure he never slips back. But he's doing it, and I love him for it.
It is not all easy and not all good. Our daughter (16) will not speak to him. She cannot have friends to stay. He has a lot of work to do to make sure he never slips back. But he's doing it, and I love him for it.
That’s helpful to know Jess. I’m sorry that there was so much media coverage - I worry about this myself, as I understand what an impact it can have on the future of not just the offending individual but their close family as well - especially if you are in a small town.
im sorry to hear your daughter will not speak to him, although it is not hard to understand why she might feel that way.
i hope that things start to improve for you and your family as you work your way through this journey to recovery. Hopefully in time your daughter will find a way to reconcile with her father, and I hope it does not impact your own relationship with her. The coming months and years I’m sure will not be easy, but I sincerely hope you continue to support each other. X
im sorry to hear your daughter will not speak to him, although it is not hard to understand why she might feel that way.
i hope that things start to improve for you and your family as you work your way through this journey to recovery. Hopefully in time your daughter will find a way to reconcile with her father, and I hope it does not impact your own relationship with her. The coming months and years I’m sure will not be easy, but I sincerely hope you continue to support each other. X
Crystal,
Yes. I am 8 years down the line and I am damaged emotionally but I am OK. My kids were 3 and 7 and they are now 11 and 15 and they are amazing little humans. I would go as far as to say that I am a much better and nicer person for having experienced this. I actually may even say that i wouldn't change it. It changed my life. My whole outlook. I now value every living moment that has no drama in it. I appreciate calm, I appreciate good news and I appreciate silence. I don't care how much money I have or if i get a promotion. I don't care if my kids eat veg or if they pass their GCSEs. Because my life was blown apart and every single thing after that day can only be less traumatic than that day. So yes, it is just OK and we are OK and you will be too xx
Yes. I am 8 years down the line and I am damaged emotionally but I am OK. My kids were 3 and 7 and they are now 11 and 15 and they are amazing little humans. I would go as far as to say that I am a much better and nicer person for having experienced this. I actually may even say that i wouldn't change it. It changed my life. My whole outlook. I now value every living moment that has no drama in it. I appreciate calm, I appreciate good news and I appreciate silence. I don't care how much money I have or if i get a promotion. I don't care if my kids eat veg or if they pass their GCSEs. Because my life was blown apart and every single thing after that day can only be less traumatic than that day. So yes, it is just OK and we are OK and you will be too xx
Thank you wife and mum for your encouraging words, you sound like a wonderful lady and I’m so happy your family have come as far as you have and sincerely hope me and mine do the same. You are inspirational and I think the qualities you’ve acquired are invaluable. You are providing me with hope when I’m at rock bottom and it means such a lot.
Crystal,
I’m not great at finding time to come on here but I promise you I am here and will make time to check in on you. I cannot tell you how much I am thinking of you. My husband and I had been together for 20 years when we got the knock. I was 36 and my whole life had been him. I adored him. It endedy world and I was left bereft of love, support, emotions and terrified. I drank, I stopped eating, I ran to stop the thoughts, I didn’t sleep, I wanted to be dead. BUT through all of this I lost the feelings I had had prior to this that it matters what people think, it matters what career you have, what car you drive. I turned from a middle class bore into someone who will never just accept the good things. If you could see how close me and my kids are. I look at the relationship their friends have with their mum and I feel so lucky. We are a team, a little 3 and we adore each other and we would not have been like this without what happened. Just believe me when I say you will be ok. Btw I have changed all my value systems and when I say I’m ok, I mean I genuinely am ok, not that I have a nice car or a nice boyfriend. I do have an ok car (lol) but I’m on my own and that’s how I want to be. It destroyed my trust but I love being just me and just trusting myself to not let us down. I feel safe and happy and that’s enough for us. Xx
I’m not great at finding time to come on here but I promise you I am here and will make time to check in on you. I cannot tell you how much I am thinking of you. My husband and I had been together for 20 years when we got the knock. I was 36 and my whole life had been him. I adored him. It endedy world and I was left bereft of love, support, emotions and terrified. I drank, I stopped eating, I ran to stop the thoughts, I didn’t sleep, I wanted to be dead. BUT through all of this I lost the feelings I had had prior to this that it matters what people think, it matters what career you have, what car you drive. I turned from a middle class bore into someone who will never just accept the good things. If you could see how close me and my kids are. I look at the relationship their friends have with their mum and I feel so lucky. We are a team, a little 3 and we adore each other and we would not have been like this without what happened. Just believe me when I say you will be ok. Btw I have changed all my value systems and when I say I’m ok, I mean I genuinely am ok, not that I have a nice car or a nice boyfriend. I do have an ok car (lol) but I’m on my own and that’s how I want to be. It destroyed my trust but I love being just me and just trusting myself to not let us down. I feel safe and happy and that’s enough for us. Xx
Bumping this very old thread in case others find it encouraging too - and in case anyone else is further down the line and wants to add their own experiences.
Great idea to bump this up :)
I'm happy to add my experience in hope it might help others.
My partner had his knock over three years ago. Despite being under investigation with no charges athat thewthe time his workpwork had to let him go since he worked in the public sector.
He moved out from his young family to move back with his dad and spent the first few months keeping busy, reconnecting with friends who were there for him and found work. It was a big pay cut and more labor intensive but they were quite flexible (which was good when he might have to balance work with police interviews and court hearings).
He went to sex addiction anonymous at first (I guess a free support group) and spoke to Lucy faithful. The SAA wasn't too suitable for him but after a year and half managed to save up for the inform course which helped alot.
He was finally sentenced in aug last year, suspended sentence. Now working well with probation and was doing community service before the pandemic (no idea when that will restart, he has 50 hours left). Despite having a conviction he managed to get a job in a better paid role and more to do with his degree. They didn't ask for his background and is unlikely to need to disclose for background checks on projects.
We are engaged and saving for a house. It is still tough with his conviction and the restrictions in place. But for me I would not be with him if I didn't trust he meant to rehabilitate and he did that all pretty much by himself. He hasn relied on me or others to fix his issues which lead him down the dark path.
Now working on getting him some sort of access to his children who have not seen or heard from him in three years. Crossing fingers the family courts see the value in his kids having a relationship with him, even though it won't ever be the same as before.
Sending hugs to all
I'm happy to add my experience in hope it might help others.
My partner had his knock over three years ago. Despite being under investigation with no charges athat thewthe time his workpwork had to let him go since he worked in the public sector.
He moved out from his young family to move back with his dad and spent the first few months keeping busy, reconnecting with friends who were there for him and found work. It was a big pay cut and more labor intensive but they were quite flexible (which was good when he might have to balance work with police interviews and court hearings).
He went to sex addiction anonymous at first (I guess a free support group) and spoke to Lucy faithful. The SAA wasn't too suitable for him but after a year and half managed to save up for the inform course which helped alot.
He was finally sentenced in aug last year, suspended sentence. Now working well with probation and was doing community service before the pandemic (no idea when that will restart, he has 50 hours left). Despite having a conviction he managed to get a job in a better paid role and more to do with his degree. They didn't ask for his background and is unlikely to need to disclose for background checks on projects.
We are engaged and saving for a house. It is still tough with his conviction and the restrictions in place. But for me I would not be with him if I didn't trust he meant to rehabilitate and he did that all pretty much by himself. He hasn relied on me or others to fix his issues which lead him down the dark path.
Now working on getting him some sort of access to his children who have not seen or heard from him in three years. Crossing fingers the family courts see the value in his kids having a relationship with him, even though it won't ever be the same as before.
Sending hugs to all