How do you stop wondering if that’s why they did certain things
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Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting, I am 3 wks in from when the police arrived and shook my world to its core! My partner of 8yrs and fiancé had been looking at underage indecent images online ,CAT C, and owned up that they had the right person so none of my or my daughters devices were taken. I was also informed that when my daughter was 13/14yrs old (she is 19 almost 20 now) he had taken indecent photos of her when she was sleeping!!! I just can't believe I had no idea about any of this and I now can't stop thinking about past situations and guessing whether they were because of his preferences. Sorry not sure if I'm explaining this very well. I'm driving myself mad trying to make sense of it all !!
When we were in the early years of our relationship he seemed to get on well with my daughter, play fighting etc. Now I'm thinking it's because he fancied her or something and I can't deal with that! Also as she got older and had boyfriends he was what I thought was very old fashion in his views about it (thinking they shouldn't be alone in her bedroom that sort of thing) Now I think it's because he was jealous!
Has anyone else had any of these type of thoughts and how do I stop myself going over it all and trying to make sense of it?
I know it's still early days and I'm dreading being informed and the results of what they find on his devices! But I have to know, I think guessing what is on them can be worse than what it is. Well I'm hoping so.
Thank you for any advice you may give me x
This is my first time posting, I am 3 wks in from when the police arrived and shook my world to its core! My partner of 8yrs and fiancé had been looking at underage indecent images online ,CAT C, and owned up that they had the right person so none of my or my daughters devices were taken. I was also informed that when my daughter was 13/14yrs old (she is 19 almost 20 now) he had taken indecent photos of her when she was sleeping!!! I just can't believe I had no idea about any of this and I now can't stop thinking about past situations and guessing whether they were because of his preferences. Sorry not sure if I'm explaining this very well. I'm driving myself mad trying to make sense of it all !!
When we were in the early years of our relationship he seemed to get on well with my daughter, play fighting etc. Now I'm thinking it's because he fancied her or something and I can't deal with that! Also as she got older and had boyfriends he was what I thought was very old fashion in his views about it (thinking they shouldn't be alone in her bedroom that sort of thing) Now I think it's because he was jealous!
Has anyone else had any of these type of thoughts and how do I stop myself going over it all and trying to make sense of it?
I know it's still early days and I'm dreading being informed and the results of what they find on his devices! But I have to know, I think guessing what is on them can be worse than what it is. Well I'm hoping so.
Thank you for any advice you may give me x
Hi Siouxsie8,
I'm so sorry you find yourself here and also the circumstances. Have you spoken to your daughter about this or do you not plan on doing as I can imagine it would be a lot to take in at that age? I imagine the Police may have asked her questions relating to this. I think the only person who can give you answers to your specific questions will be your partner, whether he will be truthful is another matter. I wish I could be more helpful but I think it would be beneficial for you to call the helpline as they will hopefully have some helpful advice and support for you. Sending love xx
I'm so sorry you find yourself here and also the circumstances. Have you spoken to your daughter about this or do you not plan on doing as I can imagine it would be a lot to take in at that age? I imagine the Police may have asked her questions relating to this. I think the only person who can give you answers to your specific questions will be your partner, whether he will be truthful is another matter. I wish I could be more helpful but I think it would be beneficial for you to call the helpline as they will hopefully have some helpful advice and support for you. Sending love xx
Hi BaffledB,
Thank you for your reply. I have spoken to my daughter and she agrees that he was probably jealous when she had a boyfriend etc. I have a very good relationship with my daughter and we talk openly about everything. She knows she can say anything to me and I will be supportive. She has been amazing and is coping as well as can be expected.
You never in a million years think you will be in this situation but having this forum really helps as we are all in it together.
I am going back to work next week and that's going to be difficult because I have to lie and say that we have broken up because I caught him cheating. I hate lying but I know I can't tell people the truth until after the trial which is going to be at least a year away!!
It's all just one big nightmare.
sending love back to you as you are in this nightmare as well xx
Thank you for your reply. I have spoken to my daughter and she agrees that he was probably jealous when she had a boyfriend etc. I have a very good relationship with my daughter and we talk openly about everything. She knows she can say anything to me and I will be supportive. She has been amazing and is coping as well as can be expected.
You never in a million years think you will be in this situation but having this forum really helps as we are all in it together.
I am going back to work next week and that's going to be difficult because I have to lie and say that we have broken up because I caught him cheating. I hate lying but I know I can't tell people the truth until after the trial which is going to be at least a year away!!
It's all just one big nightmare.
sending love back to you as you are in this nightmare as well xx
Oh bless you both. I'm glad she's managing ok at the moment. I think it's so hard in these situations because not only do you have to deal with the shock of the crime (which in your case is mega because it involves your daughter) but also the loss of your partner if you choose not to stay, it's so much to deal with! You can both support each other and get through this. It's certainly awful not being able to speak to people and lie and paint a face on that the unimaginable has happened but somehow we manage to do it. Work should help take your mind off things and if it feels overwhelming just say you'd rather not talk about things. This forum is amazing and there's lots of lovely people here with so much knowledge so feel free to offload whenever you need :). Thank you xxx