Family and Friends Forum

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Hey Tammy..

My 18yr old son was arrested at the beginning of the year. I know your pain - it's the most unbearable, horrendous pain I've ever been in. But like Daffodil said, the initial first weeks subside into a more bearable existence, you won't feel this intense always.

I abandoned myself entirely for a couple of months, it's hard to eat or even move your body some days, this gets better too.

My son gave his interview without a solicitor, he was told he would go back to the cells for hours whilst he waited so he just did it.. this kills me inside even now. The police didn't find what they wanted but they got their interview.

We have a solicitor now and he is in therapy and working with safer lives. These things took time to have in place but they are worth looking into when you have the mind space xxx

Eat and sleep when you can. There are a lot of mums here aswell as partners and children of offenders... we all understand xxx

Evening Tammy

I am here also because it's my son who is an offender but he was 26 at the time of his arrest

As the other lovely ladies have said the first few weeks, months are the hardest but you will get through this and so will your son

This is a horrible journey to be on but we are here to offer advise and support so please know you are definitely not on your own

Sending hugs and strength to you both xx

Hi I'm another mum going through this but my son is 30. I wouldn't wish those first few weeks on my worst enemy. You feel like you'll die with the pain, but as others have said it does get better. Just hang in there, this is not going to be a quick journey as I am finding out, but as each day goes past it gets more bearable. Just give yourself time x

Hello Devastated

Fellow Mum here too. My son was 22 when arrested and released Rui last June. It is tbe hardest thing I have ever been through, mainly because I am so devastated to see the impact on my child, caused by his own actions,but which were driven by trauma and self hatred. Love to you xx

Hi Tammy

Also a fellow Mum. As already mentioned the first few days are truly horrendous and none of us knew how we'd get through them, but we did somehow. This forum is so brilliant and caring — I don't post a lot but read the comments when I am feeling alone and frightened. Speaking to a professional really helped me, sort things out in my head, but it took time to organise. The first few weeks you just have to take each day at a time — that sick feeling in your stomach lasts a while but will go with time. I wish you strength and courage to get through this. X

Afternoon Tammy

This is a tough one , my son called the helpline the day after the knock and he spoke to them a few times through them he managed to find a local therapist who specializes in this as not all therapists do , he then went in to have weekly sessions (he paid for them) we also had to call the crisis team out due to him been suicidal

Your son is probably embarrassed, mortified and the usual emotions this journey brings

I think the fear of the unknown makes it even difficult

As much as you want to be there and support him , he must also do this for himself

The helpline is key as they are non judgemental and can often be there just to listen

How is your son in himself? Maybe him reading some of the posts on here could help him to know that even though we do not condone what they have done we are all here to offer support and advice xxx

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Hi Tammy

I think as mums we just want to protect them no matter how old they are

It is so difficult to know what to say to them especially if they dont open up,

Maybe give the LFF a call yourself just so you have a bit more support

You are definitely not alone in this journey sending hugs to you both xx

I can only agree with my friends on here, the pain at first is so intense - I've never felt so mentally tortured and lived on painkillers to make each day tolerable. It was terrible.

Two years down the line - I still have breakdowns - indeed had a meltdown yesterday, but you do learn to look after yourself and somehow grab the scattered emotions all around you in a attempt to rebuild and move forward.

I sift though problems as they arise, often shelving day to day stuff in a not important zone. Try not to take too much on board and take each day as it comes would be my advice.

Hi Tammy. I am also a Mum too. We got the knock in January, my son is in his twenties and like your Son is very quiet he has Autism, but I have found that he has started to open up, he shuts down quickly too. After the Knock and arrest he was definitely in a state of shock and terrified as well as deeply ashamed. One of the things that have helped I bought him some writing paper and left it in his room and he started to write. I would suggest writing him a letter and leaving it on his pillow.

I told my Son over and over that I am sticking by him no matter what happens, also at the same time action has to be taken by him to look at how he got into such a dark place, where the unacceptable becomes acceptable. This all takes time, he probably feels horrified that your even having that conversation with him.

As hard as it is keep on keeping on, tell him hes worthy of recovery and there is always hope. His mistakes dont have to define him and hopefully he can start getting some self worth back. Its wonderful that you are standing by him Tammy, please take time to look after yourself too. Its such an overwhelming and emotional journey. The Ladies on here have a lot of wisdom take it all in. X

Hi Tammy

If your son is finding it difficult to contact the helpline by telephone, has he thought about making contact by email instead? He may find it easier intially putting his thoughts down in email. He will receive a reply but it will take a few days normally for a response.

Have you spoken to the helpline? You could speak to them explaining that your son is struggling to make contact and they may be able to offer some helpful tips on how to get your son to contact them, maybe? If you are in contact with them, this may give your son more confidence to make contact with them in the future.



The young person in our family was only 16 years old when we received the knock. He was too traumatised to speak to the helpline for many months, so I spoke to them on his behalf and for support for me as well, until he was able to speak with them. Your son is only 18 years old so maybe he would benefit from you contacting the helpline initially on his behalf. You know your son best, so you will know if this is an option for you.

I hope this information is of some help to you.