Confused & Struggling
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As suggested I spoke to Unlock today & have been trying to process what they've said to me. Apparently the police can choose to inform your workplace. Though he said it sounds like the police are being very heavy handed & given that I'm not clinical & don't have much contact with the patients it doesn't seem like they actually have a reason to do it. But he said he has heard of the police being like this to others as well.
I thought it might be better if I was upfront with my work myself. But he said that they don't recommend informing the workplace yourself as that can lead to issues with your employment.
His advice was to try to challenge why they would want to do that given the circumstances & that may make them re-think. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that, I've been brought up to respect the police but that respect has been ebbing away over the past few years. But also I simply don't think they'll care whether there is good enough reason to inform my workplace or not & that they will just go ahead. Then I'll be judged & lose my job.
I just feel that it's hopeless, I feel like everytime there's this small bit of hope that we could be together it's taken away again. I really don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wonders if I'm just being really stupid in trusting my heart, that I'm being naive & this will never work. Then I remember how happy he made me & how much I enjoy being in his company.
Sorry for the rant, I know you all have situations far worse than mine but I don't have anyone that I can really talk to about these conflicted feelings. I don't know what to do & I just feel very sad about it all xx
I thought it might be better if I was upfront with my work myself. But he said that they don't recommend informing the workplace yourself as that can lead to issues with your employment.
His advice was to try to challenge why they would want to do that given the circumstances & that may make them re-think. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that, I've been brought up to respect the police but that respect has been ebbing away over the past few years. But also I simply don't think they'll care whether there is good enough reason to inform my workplace or not & that they will just go ahead. Then I'll be judged & lose my job.
I just feel that it's hopeless, I feel like everytime there's this small bit of hope that we could be together it's taken away again. I really don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wonders if I'm just being really stupid in trusting my heart, that I'm being naive & this will never work. Then I remember how happy he made me & how much I enjoy being in his company.
Sorry for the rant, I know you all have situations far worse than mine but I don't have anyone that I can really talk to about these conflicted feelings. I don't know what to do & I just feel very sad about it all xx
Please don't feel intimidated or hopeless, the Police need to be questioned when necessary. A lot of them are insecure little idiots with power trips. I was brought up to respect authority but also to question it if I thought injustices were being done or things weren't being done correctly. There is absolutely no reason why the Police need to inform your workplace, they're just being assholes to put it bluntly. If you really want to pursue this relationship stand firm in your beliefs and speak out, don't be afraid of them. We pay their wages at the end of the day. You seem like a very sensible individual who has weighed everything up and is fair and I fully support you in standing by your person. Xx
When the Police basically raided my house and arrested my partner and told me he was communicating with minors, they also insinuated he was viewing iioc and was doing all sorts. They were so over the top in everything they were doing and saying, it made me think that something wasn't right and it made me want to get my partner's side. If they'd just come and arrested him without being so hellbent on trying to demonise him & turn me against him then I would've been more suspicious of my partner but it was their behaviour which made me question more. I've seen their accounts/statements of the day they arrested him and they all differ massively and a couple of them tell absolute lies, how they are allowed to behave the way they are is a disgrace. I will never trust a Police officer again in my life. I just wanted to tell you my encounter to encourage you to stand against their bullying and controlling tactics xx
Thankyou BaffledB. He's been honest every step of the way & never once tried to make out that it isn't a big deal, despite him ending up with those images through searching for something else. I can see he's remorseful, even 8 years from when it happened.
I feel frustrated for him & the restrictions we now face for one stupid Internet search, angry at his solicitor for advising him the way he did & I also feel a little annoyed that he did what he was told, even though I would have probably have done the same thing in that position.
I want to stand by him, it almost feels like the police are trying to teach him a lesson by using me as their target. That's probably a little overdramatic but it's just what it feels like. I know he hates the fact that it's having such an impact on me & I can see that he's cross with them when we talk about it.
If it impacts my job then I know he'll give me up because he doesn't want that... neither of us do. I almost feel like I'm being blackmailed by this & I hate it. I wonder if the police even realise the impact they have on us?
I feel frustrated for him & the restrictions we now face for one stupid Internet search, angry at his solicitor for advising him the way he did & I also feel a little annoyed that he did what he was told, even though I would have probably have done the same thing in that position.
I want to stand by him, it almost feels like the police are trying to teach him a lesson by using me as their target. That's probably a little overdramatic but it's just what it feels like. I know he hates the fact that it's having such an impact on me & I can see that he's cross with them when we talk about it.
If it impacts my job then I know he'll give me up because he doesn't want that... neither of us do. I almost feel like I'm being blackmailed by this & I hate it. I wonder if the police even realise the impact they have on us?
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The police were heavy handed with me about my family members but we came to an agreement and they have no backed off. It is definitely worth trying to get them to change Their mind. You are not the criminal, ask them what the threat is to the patients and workplace. Make them think about it more. You can say you won't have your person come to the workplace, and won't be going to work events with children (tho what you have said he doesn't have restrictions for contact with children). - this might appease the police. It needs to be known what their concerns are, and refer back to your person's restrictions and the fact he is 7 years down the line now.
Has your person got a good record post sentencing? E.g. any breaches or concerns raised by the police or probation? If the record is good that should be in his favour.
For us we had agreement my partner will not attend family events with family I don't see often (probably twice a year on average).
If the workplace has to know it should hopefully be HR or so e sort of management, they should not be spreading it to others at work- that would be a breach. They also cannot fire you for it (at least that is my understanding, it isn't a crime to be in a relationship with an offender)
I hope you can find the courage to question the police and that they back down.
Has your person got a good record post sentencing? E.g. any breaches or concerns raised by the police or probation? If the record is good that should be in his favour.
For us we had agreement my partner will not attend family events with family I don't see often (probably twice a year on average).
If the workplace has to know it should hopefully be HR or so e sort of management, they should not be spreading it to others at work- that would be a breach. They also cannot fire you for it (at least that is my understanding, it isn't a crime to be in a relationship with an offender)
I hope you can find the courage to question the police and that they back down.
There are lots of people who end up in this situation without purposely seeking out images but unfortunately our criminal justice system is extremely poor when it comes to weeding out those who made a mistake or need some help to those who need to be punished - in my opinion first offences depending on levels and circumstance should be given education with a degree of monitoring afterwards and no impact on their criminal record. 8 years is a very long time to have come to terms with what happened and rebuild yourself without bully boys trying to isolate you from someone who wants to support you.
I don't think you're incorrect in what you think the Police are trying to do, a lot of them really take their prejudice into work with them and I've heard many times they are in cahoots with "vigilantes". Have you looked in your work policies regarding your employment? Is there anything which states that you're unable to be involved with someone who has been convicted? The only way people are dismissed from their employment due to crimes like this is bringing the company into disrepute but this mainly relates to offenders and the possibility of it being in the press often is used for this reason and the only other thing is teachers but they have different policies to what you will. I really don't think even if they do disclose to your employment that they would be able to do anything but it's definitely worth having a trawl through policies and familiarising yourself with them. Xx
I don't think you're incorrect in what you think the Police are trying to do, a lot of them really take their prejudice into work with them and I've heard many times they are in cahoots with "vigilantes". Have you looked in your work policies regarding your employment? Is there anything which states that you're unable to be involved with someone who has been convicted? The only way people are dismissed from their employment due to crimes like this is bringing the company into disrepute but this mainly relates to offenders and the possibility of it being in the press often is used for this reason and the only other thing is teachers but they have different policies to what you will. I really don't think even if they do disclose to your employment that they would be able to do anything but it's definitely worth having a trawl through policies and familiarising yourself with them. Xx
Thank you everyone for your support, it means a great deal... especially when you feel so "alone" in dealing with this.
I've checked my contract & policies & there is nothing that I can see that prevents me from it as far as I can see.
majestictopaz, he had never been in trouble prior to this & he hasn't done anything since. There have been no breaches & he checks in like he should, allowing access to devices. I honestly can't understand why they are treating us like this.
I think you're all right. I'm going to try & grow some balls (figuratively of course ????????) & talk to him about arranging a joint discussion with the police to discuss it.
I've checked my contract & policies & there is nothing that I can see that prevents me from it as far as I can see.
majestictopaz, he had never been in trouble prior to this & he hasn't done anything since. There have been no breaches & he checks in like he should, allowing access to devices. I honestly can't understand why they are treating us like this.
I think you're all right. I'm going to try & grow some balls (figuratively of course ????????) & talk to him about arranging a joint discussion with the police to discuss it.
Lee always right of course!! Definitely ball growing is something we all need to do in this position. For ourselves and for our men
I'm sorry the police are treating you both like this... just wanted to add to make sure that you follow anything up in writing if you meet with them in person, so you can continue to hold them accountable. Xx
I'm sorry the police are treating you both like this... just wanted to add to make sure that you follow anything up in writing if you meet with them in person, so you can continue to hold them accountable. Xx
Hi Dizzy_Panda
Some great advice as always from everyone as always x
I hope everything is sorted in regards to your job x
Some great advice as always from everyone as always x
I hope everything is sorted in regards to your job x
Thank you everyone xx