Family understanding
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Hi all,
Not posted in a while but how do you come to terms with members of your family not agreeing with your stance with your person on the arrest/knock?
Do your families agree or disagree with the decisions you've made around supporting or not supporting? How do you deal with the pushing of opinions from them? Has anyone had to make a choice between their person and their own family (like your own parents etc)? Has anyone had to deal with people outside the household in your family say they're really upset/struggling more than you are yourself and that you don't understand how hard it is for them? How did you deal with this?
At the moment I'm finding it easier just not to talk about the situation with my close friend and family that know, because I know they have a very different stance on it than I do. It always gets heated and people get upset. It leaves me with extra anxiety and worry that I certainly don't need.
I just feel a bit lost at the moment, when I've sort of come to terms with my level of support for my person and my opinions on their crime - I feel constantly judged that they're wrong which leaves me second guessing and feeling guilty.
:( any advice?
Not posted in a while but how do you come to terms with members of your family not agreeing with your stance with your person on the arrest/knock?
Do your families agree or disagree with the decisions you've made around supporting or not supporting? How do you deal with the pushing of opinions from them? Has anyone had to make a choice between their person and their own family (like your own parents etc)? Has anyone had to deal with people outside the household in your family say they're really upset/struggling more than you are yourself and that you don't understand how hard it is for them? How did you deal with this?
At the moment I'm finding it easier just not to talk about the situation with my close friend and family that know, because I know they have a very different stance on it than I do. It always gets heated and people get upset. It leaves me with extra anxiety and worry that I certainly don't need.
I just feel a bit lost at the moment, when I've sort of come to terms with my level of support for my person and my opinions on their crime - I feel constantly judged that they're wrong which leaves me second guessing and feeling guilty.
:( any advice?
I'm in a slightly different situation but one of my parents is having counselling related to this. It's in part (I think) because they don't understand why I'm choosing to maintain a "relationship" (he's in prison) with him but also because they are struggling having no one to talk to about the actual offence, the detail behind it (news paper reports went into a lot of specific details) and, their concerns for me. I'm fortunate that they've taken the view to have therapy but the guilt weighs in me, when I could just walk away from him and then the parent perhaps wouldn't feel the need for therapy. I do wonder whether they'd voice more disagreement though if I were maintaining the relationship if he was not in prison.
Hi,
My family don't understand my choices but they fully support me. We split at the knock, I was three months pregnant but also have two teenagers from a previous relationship. He was remanded until sentencing six months later. We kept in touch over that period as I knew I wanted him in babies life. Family didn't understand this as many voiced that they would do things differently. I have always been able to feel safe explaining my decisions and the thought process behind them. I told them that I had always thought I would have walked away in any situation like this but nobody actually knows how they will react until they're in it.
We are now nearly two years on, we are looking to rebuild our relationship in the future. Family all know this and although they have reservations (mostly around me being hurt) they fully support me. My older children don't want to see him at all but would never make me choose as they know they are going off to live their own lives soon enough. Nobody from my family have seen him or are in a place to see him yet. People need time to grieve or adjust and it's important to give that space.
I've found that I can talk to my parents and children about the positive changes he has made and continues to make which makes it easier for them to trust my judgement.
One of his closest friends who has chosen to walk away did say to me once about the hurt that had been caused to his partner in all of this. I did find that strange since they had no real relationship with each other and I was a pregnant emotional wreck who had been left a single parent with ss involvement and had lost the love of my life. Not strange that she would be impacted but strange that he would voice it to me.
Try to educate people where you can but remember that your family love you and won't want you to be hurt. We all have our choices to make and people can only see things from their level of understanding.
I hope that things work out for you without the need to choose between people xx
My family don't understand my choices but they fully support me. We split at the knock, I was three months pregnant but also have two teenagers from a previous relationship. He was remanded until sentencing six months later. We kept in touch over that period as I knew I wanted him in babies life. Family didn't understand this as many voiced that they would do things differently. I have always been able to feel safe explaining my decisions and the thought process behind them. I told them that I had always thought I would have walked away in any situation like this but nobody actually knows how they will react until they're in it.
We are now nearly two years on, we are looking to rebuild our relationship in the future. Family all know this and although they have reservations (mostly around me being hurt) they fully support me. My older children don't want to see him at all but would never make me choose as they know they are going off to live their own lives soon enough. Nobody from my family have seen him or are in a place to see him yet. People need time to grieve or adjust and it's important to give that space.
I've found that I can talk to my parents and children about the positive changes he has made and continues to make which makes it easier for them to trust my judgement.
One of his closest friends who has chosen to walk away did say to me once about the hurt that had been caused to his partner in all of this. I did find that strange since they had no real relationship with each other and I was a pregnant emotional wreck who had been left a single parent with ss involvement and had lost the love of my life. Not strange that she would be impacted but strange that he would voice it to me.
Try to educate people where you can but remember that your family love you and won't want you to be hurt. We all have our choices to make and people can only see things from their level of understanding.
I hope that things work out for you without the need to choose between people xx
It's still very early days for me. I have made no long term decisions and I'm trying to support my OH at the moment.
I often think about what I would say if a family member or friend found themselves in the position we are in. I know I would be the first to judge another person if they stood by someone accused of these kinds of offences. I am lucky that my parents are being fairly understanding but I don't assume that will last forever.
What I have learned is not to judge someone unless you have walked in their shoes x
I often think about what I would say if a family member or friend found themselves in the position we are in. I know I would be the first to judge another person if they stood by someone accused of these kinds of offences. I am lucky that my parents are being fairly understanding but I don't assume that will last forever.
What I have learned is not to judge someone unless you have walked in their shoes x
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Hi Gardener,
This is a really difficult one. I have grown uo children, boy and girl by my first husband, non with OH. I have 2 elder brothers both with children and grandchildren. Everyone knows what's going on. Initially both my children said they didn't want to talk to him, and my boy (the elder) really couldn't understand why I was choosing to stay with him. They found out about mid way through RUI, which was last September ish. Daughter was very hurt, but in the end both were supportive of me and my desicion to stay. In fact daughter has recently said she will now speak to him and stay in the house which is a huge step forward.
My brothers, well the eldest was nothing to do with him, but does support my decision. There have been times with that brother when I have cut him out of my life, but in the end we reconciled. Other brother is totally supportive and is happy to speak to OH and indeed stay with us.
Mixed bag really, but generally ok. It is so hard, and I know my brothers feel betrayed and protective of me. But I can and do talk about OH to those that don't speak to him, so it's not the elephant in the room.
sending hugs. Xx
This is a really difficult one. I have grown uo children, boy and girl by my first husband, non with OH. I have 2 elder brothers both with children and grandchildren. Everyone knows what's going on. Initially both my children said they didn't want to talk to him, and my boy (the elder) really couldn't understand why I was choosing to stay with him. They found out about mid way through RUI, which was last September ish. Daughter was very hurt, but in the end both were supportive of me and my desicion to stay. In fact daughter has recently said she will now speak to him and stay in the house which is a huge step forward.
My brothers, well the eldest was nothing to do with him, but does support my decision. There have been times with that brother when I have cut him out of my life, but in the end we reconciled. Other brother is totally supportive and is happy to speak to OH and indeed stay with us.
Mixed bag really, but generally ok. It is so hard, and I know my brothers feel betrayed and protective of me. But I can and do talk about OH to those that don't speak to him, so it's not the elephant in the room.
sending hugs. Xx
Evening Gardener93,
We told no one when the knock happened in May 20 the only ones who knew was my other son and my daughter and her boyfriend, my 2nd hubby, my offending son was RUI for 17 months then we had the second knock Sep 21 he was then kept on remand, we only told his best friends as they had been messaging him getting worried so I phoned one of his friends to get them to pop round as I diddnt want to tell them over the phone , they were devastated, hurt and angry but needed time to let it sink in, we told my sons dad who have had a strained relationship he said he would step up and be there for our 3 , and then I told my x brother in law again i diddnt want then to read it in the media
He was sentenced in April and his friends have walked away, his father wants nothing to do with him or our other 2 , but my x brother in law and his family have been amazing to us all
I am 100%there for my son , always have been and always will be, my daughter his sister is an incredible compassionate young woman who has been my rock, she is there for her brother, we walk this crappy horrendous journey every day and will continue to do so , I also want to add the dread of it out in the media was our biggest fear , how it was reported was so far from the truth, so twisted beyond belief but we have had no issues at all , xx
We told no one when the knock happened in May 20 the only ones who knew was my other son and my daughter and her boyfriend, my 2nd hubby, my offending son was RUI for 17 months then we had the second knock Sep 21 he was then kept on remand, we only told his best friends as they had been messaging him getting worried so I phoned one of his friends to get them to pop round as I diddnt want to tell them over the phone , they were devastated, hurt and angry but needed time to let it sink in, we told my sons dad who have had a strained relationship he said he would step up and be there for our 3 , and then I told my x brother in law again i diddnt want then to read it in the media
He was sentenced in April and his friends have walked away, his father wants nothing to do with him or our other 2 , but my x brother in law and his family have been amazing to us all
I am 100%there for my son , always have been and always will be, my daughter his sister is an incredible compassionate young woman who has been my rock, she is there for her brother, we walk this crappy horrendous journey every day and will continue to do so , I also want to add the dread of it out in the media was our biggest fear , how it was reported was so far from the truth, so twisted beyond belief but we have had no issues at all , xx
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Hello Gardner,
I haven't posted on the site lately but felt I could relate to your post.
I was outraged that some of my family were incessantly putting pressure on me to walk away and made the decision that the kind, loving and devoted man who had always put others needs first was being judged and ostracised on the most stupidest and reckless mistake he has ever made, the remorse he has shown and desire to put things right is unbearably painful and sad to watch. He has always maintained who the real victims are in this process and has demonstrated his absolute commitment to doing what he can to make things right. We had horrendous media coverage which was sensationalised and the court hearing was totally embellished by the press. I have wonderful family members on both sides who have supported us both immensely but I have made it explicitly clear to other family who are non supportive that my loyalties will always be to my husband, I have told them I have no space in my head for their indulgent struggles as they have no idea how much we have struggled. I have left the decision to them that they know where we live and if they can find it in their hearts to learn the full truth without the embellished trash written by the press they are always welcome to our home, if they can't then sadly that is their choice. It is one of the hardest decisions to make but I think it does depend on how much you love and think about your partner, son etc...
I also reminded the same people that when I married I took my vows seriously and to quote "for better or worse" this has to be for worse. I am truly devastated the impact this whole thing has had on both of our lives but we have to stay strong and continue as the same people but on a different path to what we were on before. It is doable and I do hope and believe one day family and his friends who literally desserted him will realise they have lost someone who was once very special to them and allow him back into their lives saying that I may find it extremely difficult to ever accept his so called friends again.
We are now concentrating and focusing on the positives and the here and now. We have made plans for at least 2 holidays with his sister and brother in law who have both been magnificent and supportive. We no longer talk about people who are no longer in our lives due to this situation and for the first time in ages we are starting to live a happier and healthier life.
It is about choices but not always "your" choices but think about what you as a person and a couple can control on how to move forward. We may not like the choices others have made but sometimes when too many other things are going on acceptance is easier to deal with, stand by "your" own decisions and don't allow others to influence you, it's your life not theirs. Xx
I haven't posted on the site lately but felt I could relate to your post.
I was outraged that some of my family were incessantly putting pressure on me to walk away and made the decision that the kind, loving and devoted man who had always put others needs first was being judged and ostracised on the most stupidest and reckless mistake he has ever made, the remorse he has shown and desire to put things right is unbearably painful and sad to watch. He has always maintained who the real victims are in this process and has demonstrated his absolute commitment to doing what he can to make things right. We had horrendous media coverage which was sensationalised and the court hearing was totally embellished by the press. I have wonderful family members on both sides who have supported us both immensely but I have made it explicitly clear to other family who are non supportive that my loyalties will always be to my husband, I have told them I have no space in my head for their indulgent struggles as they have no idea how much we have struggled. I have left the decision to them that they know where we live and if they can find it in their hearts to learn the full truth without the embellished trash written by the press they are always welcome to our home, if they can't then sadly that is their choice. It is one of the hardest decisions to make but I think it does depend on how much you love and think about your partner, son etc...
I also reminded the same people that when I married I took my vows seriously and to quote "for better or worse" this has to be for worse. I am truly devastated the impact this whole thing has had on both of our lives but we have to stay strong and continue as the same people but on a different path to what we were on before. It is doable and I do hope and believe one day family and his friends who literally desserted him will realise they have lost someone who was once very special to them and allow him back into their lives saying that I may find it extremely difficult to ever accept his so called friends again.
We are now concentrating and focusing on the positives and the here and now. We have made plans for at least 2 holidays with his sister and brother in law who have both been magnificent and supportive. We no longer talk about people who are no longer in our lives due to this situation and for the first time in ages we are starting to live a happier and healthier life.
It is about choices but not always "your" choices but think about what you as a person and a couple can control on how to move forward. We may not like the choices others have made but sometimes when too many other things are going on acceptance is easier to deal with, stand by "your" own decisions and don't allow others to influence you, it's your life not theirs. Xx
Just to add, I get so sad reading posts from Upset Mum and have so much admiration for hers and all the other Mums dedication and devotion to their children. It is beyond belief that family can turn away from young adults who are growing up in an already difficult and influential world. As a young Student Nurse in the early eighties I always remember a Consultant telling me people are not bad when they do things we do not approve of but we as health professionals and human beings must help them to do the right thing. It is a memory and thought that has stayed with me for 40 years. Xx
Hi Katie28
Reading your post was really heartfelt
To read how your relationship with your husband is so strong and that you have a great support network for you both x
My Sons case like your husband's was reported beyond belief, and it frustrates me that people look.past the friendship they had with him for years and go on what and how it was printed in the media
His own father had messaged our daughter (that's how she found out it was in the media) to tell her how sick it made him feel! When we told him the actual truth he said he will step up.and be there for them , we had lived this journey for 17 months beforehand and only told him so he would not find out via the media
And he had the audacity to tell her how it made him feel! I would say my thoughts on him!
I wish you and your hubby all the very best with your future xx
Reading your post was really heartfelt
To read how your relationship with your husband is so strong and that you have a great support network for you both x
My Sons case like your husband's was reported beyond belief, and it frustrates me that people look.past the friendship they had with him for years and go on what and how it was printed in the media
His own father had messaged our daughter (that's how she found out it was in the media) to tell her how sick it made him feel! When we told him the actual truth he said he will step up.and be there for them , we had lived this journey for 17 months beforehand and only told him so he would not find out via the media
And he had the audacity to tell her how it made him feel! I would say my thoughts on him!
I wish you and your hubby all the very best with your future xx
At the moment I'm finding it easier just not to talk about the situation with my close friend and family that know, because I know they have a very different stance on it than I do. It always gets heated and people get upset. It leaves me with extra anxiety and worry that I certainly don't need.
I can relate to this. That's exactly how my life is right now. Don't ask don't tell with certain people.
I said I was okay with this when it all came out but truth be told I'm really not. I'm not allowed to talk about him to certain friends lest they get up and leave and we've agreed this but at the time I waa desperately trying to hold everything in my life together.
No one needs that added stress and anxiety on top of everything else so the reality that whilst they have a different opinion they cannot also support you is saddening
I can relate to this. That's exactly how my life is right now. Don't ask don't tell with certain people.
I said I was okay with this when it all came out but truth be told I'm really not. I'm not allowed to talk about him to certain friends lest they get up and leave and we've agreed this but at the time I waa desperately trying to hold everything in my life together.
No one needs that added stress and anxiety on top of everything else so the reality that whilst they have a different opinion they cannot also support you is saddening
Hi Gardener!
He wanted me to tell my mum so that I would have someone to talk to about it, knowing that it wouldn't really paint him in a favourable light. She has really struggled with & we've had a number of arguments about it, one resulting in me having a panic attack & struggling to breathe.
I decided to be completely honest with her about the impact her comments were having on me & my mental health, that I was going through enough stress without her adding more on. I also mentioned the fact she was driving me away with all her comments & snipes (we've always been exceptionally close). Since that conversation I think she has been really aware of this & I have to give her her due, she's been so much better & does appear to be coming to terms with things. We have said we were happy for her to speak to someone independent about it if she wanted to, but she didn't.
She's been getting to know him more over the past month (I'm out of action after surgery so he's been coming to help out & keep me company) & she definitely seems to be warming to him. I think she may even be starting to understand where I'm coming from. I've told her that I don't expect her to be his best mate, but I do want her to at least try with him... which she is doing. It's just going to take time I think but I have told her how much I appreciate the new approach.
I hope things improve for you xx
He wanted me to tell my mum so that I would have someone to talk to about it, knowing that it wouldn't really paint him in a favourable light. She has really struggled with & we've had a number of arguments about it, one resulting in me having a panic attack & struggling to breathe.
I decided to be completely honest with her about the impact her comments were having on me & my mental health, that I was going through enough stress without her adding more on. I also mentioned the fact she was driving me away with all her comments & snipes (we've always been exceptionally close). Since that conversation I think she has been really aware of this & I have to give her her due, she's been so much better & does appear to be coming to terms with things. We have said we were happy for her to speak to someone independent about it if she wanted to, but she didn't.
She's been getting to know him more over the past month (I'm out of action after surgery so he's been coming to help out & keep me company) & she definitely seems to be warming to him. I think she may even be starting to understand where I'm coming from. I've told her that I don't expect her to be his best mate, but I do want her to at least try with him... which she is doing. It's just going to take time I think but I have told her how much I appreciate the new approach.
I hope things improve for you xx
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling Gardener93.
I'm actually going through something quite similar at the minute. You are not alone. I am very close with my family, but yet I closed off from talking to them about it (even though they have known about it since the day of the knock) because I didn't feel supported anymore. I felt pressured, anxious and misunderstood.
This happened because a sibling said they wouldn't talk to him to hear his side of it and if we were to stay together then they wouldn't want to see him.
Hearing that made me feel as though I have no choice in what happens in my own relationship. But everyone deserves to have their own decisions about their own future.
I closed off from them and it has been extremely hard and lonely.
None of them have been through what I am going through, they don't understand or know how to support me. So therefore I decided to tell them how they could support me.
I sent my sibling a long message about if they wanted to be there for me and support me, then they needed to understand how I wanted to be supported and what things help and do not help my mental health.
So maybe you could do something similar? Let them know what you want, what helps you and what doesn't.
I also went round to my parents with my partner for him to talk to them. He apologised, cried a lot and answered any questions they had. This massively helped and felt like a massive weight had been lifted.
I really hope you find some way to talk. Things may still get heated as you say, but they stop quicker now because they know it's not helping me, and I find it's much better knowing I can talk to them again if I need to.
I'm actually going through something quite similar at the minute. You are not alone. I am very close with my family, but yet I closed off from talking to them about it (even though they have known about it since the day of the knock) because I didn't feel supported anymore. I felt pressured, anxious and misunderstood.
This happened because a sibling said they wouldn't talk to him to hear his side of it and if we were to stay together then they wouldn't want to see him.
Hearing that made me feel as though I have no choice in what happens in my own relationship. But everyone deserves to have their own decisions about their own future.
I closed off from them and it has been extremely hard and lonely.
None of them have been through what I am going through, they don't understand or know how to support me. So therefore I decided to tell them how they could support me.
I sent my sibling a long message about if they wanted to be there for me and support me, then they needed to understand how I wanted to be supported and what things help and do not help my mental health.
So maybe you could do something similar? Let them know what you want, what helps you and what doesn't.
I also went round to my parents with my partner for him to talk to them. He apologised, cried a lot and answered any questions they had. This massively helped and felt like a massive weight had been lifted.
I really hope you find some way to talk. Things may still get heated as you say, but they stop quicker now because they know it's not helping me, and I find it's much better knowing I can talk to them again if I need to.