Family and Friends Forum

Hi Upset Mum

After reading your post I just wanted to reply and send you some support. I don't think I have any advice I could give, but wanted to say thinking of you.

I am pleased you saw your son today but obviously you seeing him struggling today in particular worrying about how the SHPO will impact on him when he is out of prison, must have been difficult.

It sounds as if your son was having a particularly bad day, as we know no two days are the same as to how we feel about everything we have gone through on this journey with our loved ones and it is exactly the same for them too.

I am sorry that I can not offer any advice, but I hope my reply offers you some comfort. x

Hi Upset Mum

We must be on the same wavelength as I very nearly said in my last post so many steps forward then followed by so many steps back!

All we need to hope for is the steps forward overall are far greater than the steps back- we will all get there in the end.

Take care and stay positive x

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Hey Upset,

I'm sorry your son is finding it tough and worrying about the future and for you too, this is hell! I really don't have much advice but when it comes to thinking of the worst and how the future is very bleak I think about those who have committed much worse crimes and how they are living amongst us in society without us even knowing. It's more than possible your son will come out and be able to have a normal life - yes there will be some speedbumps in the road but I'm sure with your support he can make it over those. Sending love xx

Hi Upset, I've had a long break from the forum but popped back in today and saw your post. You're so incredibly brave and positive, you son is very very lucky to have you. I'm glad you were able to see him.

I don't think they realise the impact of their actions on us - but truly, what child ever thinks about the impact of their actions on their parents?! It's only when you become a parent yourself that you look back in horror that the stress you must have put them through, even if it's the more 'normal' stuff like staying out late and drinking.

Sending you huge hugs xxx

Very true Lola - I know my son loves us very much and he wouldn't have wanted to hurt us. But this addiction - whatever you call it - takes over all reasoning.

I'm sorry to hear your son is struggling at the moment. It is such a fine balance between taking responsibility and maintaining some emotional stability whilst in prison, especially as there seems so little help for them whilst inside. There are still things I think he needs to take responsibility for and for which he hasn't understood, but he's in survival mode. I fear it will all unravel for him once he's out - Turns his phone on, reads the newspaper, tries to get on and live his life.

My person says all he can do is look forward, he can't look back, he is very confident he'd never do anything like this again. Looking forward is his only way to survive whilst he's on the inside. I do wonder though if at some point the enormity of the situation will hit him. He knows the impact this will have on him and the rest of his life, but he doesn't seem to engage in it, I think it's his way of surviving. It's very hard, as Smile has said, you want them to be stable. It's caused me some problems lately because I still have so many questions but he says he can't look back, when we do talk about the past or the negative impact this is having on the now and in the future I sense his mental health decline. He's in a bad way at the moment and it feels like he's clinging on - It's such tricky situation to navigate.

On a similar vain, I get to another month past sentencing and momentarily breath a sigh of relief - I survived, he survived and we are another month's closer to "the end". Only to remember how many more there are to go and that it absolutely won't be the end and I feel deflated and lost.

I imagine things sit with our people that are in prison for much longer than they would on the outside. There is little else to think about and there is so little proactive things they can do for themselves. Taking a leaf out of my person's book (not that he's handling this great) he's put a structure to his day. He's got a great book that has in cell workouts, re reads lots from the library and he's got a magazine subscription. Could he look at some education courses provides by the Prison Education Trust? This may not only help keep him occupied but also feel as though he's empowering himself. I wish I could offer more words of advise, particularly about the future.

Yes - I too think my son is on survival mode. He does keep himself occupied. I think that's important. He cleans his own cell, keeps it tidy, now has a radio. Has many hobbies - made beautiful matchstick boxes and photo frames (I believe). He has lots of puzzle type books, draws and began painting.



I wonder how he will cope once out the safe bubble of prison and how he will have to cope in the restricted outside world.

It sounds as though your son is doing everything he can to keep occupied, that's good. X