Partners…a warning!
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So as some of you may remember. I went through an awful ordeal and as a result separated from husband but remained supportive, before during and after the prison experience.
He has now been out of prison for 13 weeks, has a year still on license, and I have been worrying about him, and his future with this hanging over him…..until today!!!
Today I find out, through pushing him and guessing and asking him to be honest, that he now has another woman!!!! A much younger woman, with 2 young children (we were unable to have children), he told her about his past, and they have been through probation and social services and case closed as they still live separately. I didn’t ask sex of children but I’m guessing boys.
He was obviously so confident that making a new relationship wasn’t impossible, I was worrying that he wouldn’t even feel able to have a friendship…he won’t talk to our old friends at all!!
I am upset, mostly that he has allowed me, and his friends, to carry the burden of worry, when he has already has moved on with someone to share his life with. I feel angry that he has a chance at family life, whilst I feel I have wasted mine, I feel stupid for believing that the crime somehow didn’t mean that he didn’t love me and that it was circumstances that meant he had to move far away. I continued to care for him, but he clearly didn’t care for me in the same way. How else could he move on so quickly and easily???
Be careful all partners. Put yourself first, always, and make sure you are safe and financially secure x
He has now been out of prison for 13 weeks, has a year still on license, and I have been worrying about him, and his future with this hanging over him…..until today!!!
Today I find out, through pushing him and guessing and asking him to be honest, that he now has another woman!!!! A much younger woman, with 2 young children (we were unable to have children), he told her about his past, and they have been through probation and social services and case closed as they still live separately. I didn’t ask sex of children but I’m guessing boys.
He was obviously so confident that making a new relationship wasn’t impossible, I was worrying that he wouldn’t even feel able to have a friendship…he won’t talk to our old friends at all!!
I am upset, mostly that he has allowed me, and his friends, to carry the burden of worry, when he has already has moved on with someone to share his life with. I feel angry that he has a chance at family life, whilst I feel I have wasted mine, I feel stupid for believing that the crime somehow didn’t mean that he didn’t love me and that it was circumstances that meant he had to move far away. I continued to care for him, but he clearly didn’t care for me in the same way. How else could he move on so quickly and easily???
Be careful all partners. Put yourself first, always, and make sure you are safe and financially secure x
I hope this post gives some hope to the parents of offenders on this forum.....life can be picked up after prison. x
Hi,
I am so sorry ur ex partner didn't consider your feelings and how u put ur life on hold for him, to support. I hope u will be able to move on now and not give him a second thought x
I am so sorry ur ex partner didn't consider your feelings and how u put ur life on hold for him, to support. I hope u will be able to move on now and not give him a second thought x
Oh gosh Tabs, I'm so sorry. This must have been quite a shock, especially as after all this time you still needed to push for him to be truthful. Is it a relationship that started before or after prison? My person said something strange today and I had a flicker of a thought, and then surely not... Then I read your post now I'm wondering even more.
Whilst you have inevitable worried about his wellbeing, I'm pleased for you that you seem to have focused on yourself during this journey. I think you said your partner has some personality disorders, with narcissistic being one (forgive me if I have this wrong) if this is the case it's probably not as simple as he loves you or didn't. That doesn't make what you are feeling any easier or different, you have a huge amount of empathy and your feelings are still valid.
Whilst you have inevitable worried about his wellbeing, I'm pleased for you that you seem to have focused on yourself during this journey. I think you said your partner has some personality disorders, with narcissistic being one (forgive me if I have this wrong) if this is the case it's probably not as simple as he loves you or didn't. That doesn't make what you are feeling any easier or different, you have a huge amount of empathy and your feelings are still valid.
Hi Tabs
I am so.sorry that through all of this journey and to be there for him, he should have been upfront and told you from day one that he was in another relationship,
I wish you all the very best and hope you find some true happiness xx
I am so.sorry that through all of this journey and to be there for him, he should have been upfront and told you from day one that he was in another relationship,
I wish you all the very best and hope you find some true happiness xx
I'm sorry Tabs that you've found this out. I feel we always carry the burden and then get shat on at the drop of a hat. This is an interesting post and another perspective for some partners to consider when choosing whether to make sacrifices for their partner, men seem to replace us very easily! It's also very interesting to hear how he's settled with someone as a lot of people in this boat consider offenders to be totally redundant when it comes to finding a partner so this is reassuring for them.
I hope you find some happiness. It may feel like a waste of your time but everything we go through in life gives us something to take away & at least you can move on without feeling any guilt of him being on his own which is what some people fear when separating. Sending love xx
I hope you find some happiness. It may feel like a waste of your time but everything we go through in life gives us something to take away & at least you can move on without feeling any guilt of him being on his own which is what some people fear when separating. Sending love xx
Thank you for your kind and supportive words. Yes he has personality disorders, and suffered abuse when younger and bullied when older. But, and this is the thing, he managed to achieve a lot despite this, and made me feel like we were such a strong couple, everyone thought so, and were shocked when this happened. So he was a master deceiver. I said at the start of this that I could no longer trust him. He clearly did what he wanted with no thought to the consequences. And continues to do what he wants. I would warn anyone in a relationship to be very careful going forward.
I did what I felt was right, supporting him, and I am not going to punish myself for that. But moving forward I need to be as selfish as he is. xxz
I did what I felt was right, supporting him, and I am not going to punish myself for that. But moving forward I need to be as selfish as he is. xxz
Thank you for sharing, I am at the start of this journey (1.5 weeks). Our marriage is over and if i'm honest it was over before this, this just broke the camels back. But I want to be supportive, I feel like I should be or he will fall apart. On the other hand I am already getting implications from the inlaws that I should be staying with him, and that real love is unconditional, and that I should be supporting him more.
I want him to get through this and have a satisfying life but not at the expense of myself and our kids
I want him to get through this and have a satisfying life but not at the expense of myself and our kids
Oh Tabs,
trust you to come up with a positive about all this, that there is life after prison for some of these offenders! :)
This is a timely warning, last week I came to a sort of equilibrium whereby I accepted the situation I and my partner are in, and that I felt that at the moment I can support him as someone who has done something very stupid, but at the same time believe that he has no attraction to children.
However, this morning we had a row over something totally unrelated (and relatively trivial) that has reminded me that our relationship is not the best and that he has a tendency to try and manipulate me into doing what he wants rather than what I want or what is best for me.
Since the knock I have been wrestling with the ideathat this was the last straw in a relationship where I have not been happy with a variety of habits and behaviours that I have simply put up with over the years. However this last straw, and the (to me) disproportionate consequences of it, is so devastating to both of us, that I've felt it seems wrong to abandon him right now, and we should stick together and fight it. But when he shows himself in the light he did this morning, I think, why should I continue to put up with your behaviour? Why aren't you fighting for our relationship?
I guess what I'm really thinking, or fearful of, is I don't want to be here in a year or twos time thinking, I've been played, I should have walked away.
trust you to come up with a positive about all this, that there is life after prison for some of these offenders! :)
This is a timely warning, last week I came to a sort of equilibrium whereby I accepted the situation I and my partner are in, and that I felt that at the moment I can support him as someone who has done something very stupid, but at the same time believe that he has no attraction to children.
However, this morning we had a row over something totally unrelated (and relatively trivial) that has reminded me that our relationship is not the best and that he has a tendency to try and manipulate me into doing what he wants rather than what I want or what is best for me.
Since the knock I have been wrestling with the ideathat this was the last straw in a relationship where I have not been happy with a variety of habits and behaviours that I have simply put up with over the years. However this last straw, and the (to me) disproportionate consequences of it, is so devastating to both of us, that I've felt it seems wrong to abandon him right now, and we should stick together and fight it. But when he shows himself in the light he did this morning, I think, why should I continue to put up with your behaviour? Why aren't you fighting for our relationship?
I guess what I'm really thinking, or fearful of, is I don't want to be here in a year or twos time thinking, I've been played, I should have walked away.
I always try hard to look for the positives and silver linings, it's the only way to survive!! All you can do is do what you feel is right, and that you can live with in the future. My personal opinion is that your eyes need to be open, don't allow emotional bullying/gaslighting. The more you understand about your other behalf's behaviour the better. I think I could write a book on things I have learned. If the vigilante/arrest hadn't happened we'd still be living his lie. I'm glad I am now freed.
I can honestly say I tried my very best. So I can hold my head high and live happily with my decisions. Don't forget it's taken 3 years to get here though! xxx
I can honestly say I tried my very best. So I can hold my head high and live happily with my decisions. Don't forget it's taken 3 years to get here though! xxx
Thanks Tabs. They say love is blind, well they sure got that right with me. You are right eyes wide open is the way forward.
In a way I'll be glad once the court case happens and it will be all out in the open. I've been fearful of the media but I'm reaching a point where I'm getting sick of all the secrecy, covering up and lies.
In a way I'll be glad once the court case happens and it will be all out in the open. I've been fearful of the media but I'm reaching a point where I'm getting sick of all the secrecy, covering up and lies.
Hi Tabs
I am so sorry to hear about your circumstances and that this has understandly upsetf you. You have been a loyal partner and supported him through his darkest days at the expense of moving forward with your life because you CARE.
you talked about seeing silver linings and maybe this is yours, as you can say you can hold your head up high and say I didn't abandom him in his hour of need a sign of a loving and caring person. But now wrap yourself in that silver lining and use it to set yourself free, hes not your responsibility any more and you too can start to rebuild your life and have some well earnt happiness .
Go well! big hugs - maij x
I am so sorry to hear about your circumstances and that this has understandly upsetf you. You have been a loyal partner and supported him through his darkest days at the expense of moving forward with your life because you CARE.
you talked about seeing silver linings and maybe this is yours, as you can say you can hold your head up high and say I didn't abandom him in his hour of need a sign of a loving and caring person. But now wrap yourself in that silver lining and use it to set yourself free, hes not your responsibility any more and you too can start to rebuild your life and have some well earnt happiness .
Go well! big hugs - maij x
Bitterbean, the limbo period is awful, you will get though it, you seem a very strong and intelligent woman. I wish you luck!
Maij, I love that; 'wrap myself up in the silver lining' ! I shall remember that! Very moving, thank you!
Xxxx
Maij, I love that; 'wrap myself up in the silver lining' ! I shall remember that! Very moving, thank you!
Xxxx