Staying.. for now?
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We got the knock day before yesterday. I'm in pieces. I can't belive this... I had no idea what I was going to do on the day. I focused on one step then the next as I waited for him to come home (have a shower, see if I could get him a new phone, go get the phone, etc.)
talking to him once he got back I decided I'm staying with him and will support him.
Part of me is settled with my choice. We have been married for 12 years and have no kids and no friends with kids. I love my husband, even now, and couldn’t picture my life with out him
but in the back of my head I have a little voice, asking me if this is really the best choice for me? or did I put what I know he needs before what I might need and rush deciding?
I know everyone says not to make a big choice that early on, but I felt I had to. how did I know how the next day, week, month, year, will look without making that choice?
Also I left my coutry to move over here with him. Separating wouldn't be as easy as moving in.with family. it would be a country move, as we don't have the funds to rent separately.
then I feel like the worst wife ever for wondering if I made the right choice.
also, when I contacted some of the organisations for support all of them are saying give it time to sink in then contact them. I don't understand why. now is when I need support while my brain is so confused. that's not gonna change a week or two weeks from now. it will just push back me finding help and support and have me back in work. we have both taken off this week to wrap our heads around what has happened so its now I need to work through things (atleast the little bit that is possible) not later when I'm back in work and having to keep it together.
I have no support network otherwise. I can't tell my family, it would be....horrible and would be pressured to leave him and to move country. and my one good friend isn't good to tell either (love her but she is a gossip, if she knows everyone will know). I have asked him to tell his Mom this weekend so I have someone I can talk to about all this but I don't know if he will or not
I guess I'm just venting... trying to read as much as I can but most people who have been together long as us have kids to consider... feel a bit alone by not having any, even on here.
talking to him once he got back I decided I'm staying with him and will support him.
Part of me is settled with my choice. We have been married for 12 years and have no kids and no friends with kids. I love my husband, even now, and couldn’t picture my life with out him
but in the back of my head I have a little voice, asking me if this is really the best choice for me? or did I put what I know he needs before what I might need and rush deciding?
I know everyone says not to make a big choice that early on, but I felt I had to. how did I know how the next day, week, month, year, will look without making that choice?
Also I left my coutry to move over here with him. Separating wouldn't be as easy as moving in.with family. it would be a country move, as we don't have the funds to rent separately.
then I feel like the worst wife ever for wondering if I made the right choice.
also, when I contacted some of the organisations for support all of them are saying give it time to sink in then contact them. I don't understand why. now is when I need support while my brain is so confused. that's not gonna change a week or two weeks from now. it will just push back me finding help and support and have me back in work. we have both taken off this week to wrap our heads around what has happened so its now I need to work through things (atleast the little bit that is possible) not later when I'm back in work and having to keep it together.
I have no support network otherwise. I can't tell my family, it would be....horrible and would be pressured to leave him and to move country. and my one good friend isn't good to tell either (love her but she is a gossip, if she knows everyone will know). I have asked him to tell his Mom this weekend so I have someone I can talk to about all this but I don't know if he will or not
I guess I'm just venting... trying to read as much as I can but most people who have been together long as us have kids to consider... feel a bit alone by not having any, even on here.
Hi Stacey,
I'm 1 month post sentancing and I still haven't decided whether to stay or go. You're going to be in for a long hard Rocky road feeling emotions you didn't know was possible, so just take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself. No drastic or permanent decisions. Sorry you find yourself here x
I'm 1 month post sentancing and I still haven't decided whether to stay or go. You're going to be in for a long hard Rocky road feeling emotions you didn't know was possible, so just take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself. No drastic or permanent decisions. Sorry you find yourself here x
It is very early days and as said above it is best to not make any big decisions at present. It can take on average a few years for an outcome of an investigation. In this time it is vital offenders seek and engage with rehabilitation.
There is the Lucy faithful helpline and the stop it now online modules as a great starting point. Also not all offenders are honest at first on the scale and severity of their offending. My partner was in denial, down played it and wasn't honest at first. The rehabilitation helped him see the damage he caused and take full accountability.
For you the GP could help find services for you to talk to someone and there is nothing wrong with getting medication if needed to help, e.g. with sleep. Your well being is important.
I would also not get your hopes up too much on thinking your MIL as a key support, she might be able to be someone to speak to, but my MIL hasnt really taken it on board well to be a good support. She buried her head in the sand and shuts down convos. My mum also doesn't like talking about it. The forum for me is the best support I have personally.
The helpline is also great, can take a while to get through most of the time, but once you are chatting there is no pressure and great listeners.
There is the Lucy faithful helpline and the stop it now online modules as a great starting point. Also not all offenders are honest at first on the scale and severity of their offending. My partner was in denial, down played it and wasn't honest at first. The rehabilitation helped him see the damage he caused and take full accountability.
For you the GP could help find services for you to talk to someone and there is nothing wrong with getting medication if needed to help, e.g. with sleep. Your well being is important.
I would also not get your hopes up too much on thinking your MIL as a key support, she might be able to be someone to speak to, but my MIL hasnt really taken it on board well to be a good support. She buried her head in the sand and shuts down convos. My mum also doesn't like talking about it. The forum for me is the best support I have personally.
The helpline is also great, can take a while to get through most of the time, but once you are chatting there is no pressure and great listeners.
Hi Stacy, I am so sorry you are in that position. It recently happened to me as well. I went to work as normal thinking he will be alright and on my lunch break I found out that he was taken to prison. That was 5 days ago.
Like yourself I decide to stay with him and get through this togeter as I love him. All I can tell you is I don't know what the furute holds but I know we need to remember we matter as well, and if you find yourself in the position where leaving him is best for you just do it.
I am really sorry you cannot get any support from family or friends as they don't know and you are afraid telling them :(.
I hope things get better for you, hopefully he tells his mother so you have someone to talk to. Even if he doesn't tell her, you can always post on here the people are lovely and you can just rant in a post if thats what you want to do.
Sending you all my love.
Like yourself I decide to stay with him and get through this togeter as I love him. All I can tell you is I don't know what the furute holds but I know we need to remember we matter as well, and if you find yourself in the position where leaving him is best for you just do it.
I am really sorry you cannot get any support from family or friends as they don't know and you are afraid telling them :(.
I hope things get better for you, hopefully he tells his mother so you have someone to talk to. Even if he doesn't tell her, you can always post on here the people are lovely and you can just rant in a post if thats what you want to do.
Sending you all my love.
Hi all
Thanks. just reading that someone has read and replied to my post has helped alot
as for the MIL, he told her. but in one breath she's saying it's all on him and his mistake. and in the next saying is both of us causing issues in our marriage and mental health. I've tired talking to her twice about it and she pulls it around to pointing out my flaws. so no support there. I've given up talking to her about it because it just makes me mad. how dare she blame me! I had no idea this was going on! yes I'm fat and lazy but that doesn't equal to him doing this!
sorry. vent over. I have told one person I can trust at work (my team leader) now and told my higher up bosses just that my husband is in trouble with the police. they were very supportive and immediately sent me resources I have available through work for my mental health.
I have now saved the mental health number for work and the Samaritans on my phone if I find myself needing to talk with someone.
To make maters worse the police told his work even though they had said they didn't need to. his work was OK at first because he doesn't work with children but then fired him later the next day. (he works in care and goes house to house so grandchildren could be visiting was their reason).
luckily he had already applied for another job closer to home selling tools and stuff. so all positive thoughts for his interview this week! and hoping they don't need a DBS or anything as it's a small private owned shop.
I'm trying to get back to normal. back to work today. but I'm really struggling with my own mental health. finances are short too due to him losing his job. I'll have to ask my family for money help but we aren't telling them. they will pressure me to leave and might not help us because of it. so we are saying he had a traffic violation that is going to court and as he drives in his work they fired him.
He's doing better then I expected with this all. Doing everything the helplines are telling him and got the books to read to try to understand this more. has been keeping busy and using this "time off" to sort out the garden and things. I am scared of when he crashes though as I don't know if he's gonna try to hurt himself in a low. I found out he did last month, and only didn't because of chance. and that was before all of this happened.
I've been focused on the self care and keeping busy with art stuff. as if I don't my mental health goes crazy. which is why I'm worried about work. it's very relaxed at work and will allow me alot of time to think.
anyways. wanted to update you all where we are now. I'm feeling alot more secure in my choice to stay as well as I'm seeing big changes in him already. I just hope they stay and isn't gonna be only short term as we are only 10 days after the knock right now.
Thanks. just reading that someone has read and replied to my post has helped alot
as for the MIL, he told her. but in one breath she's saying it's all on him and his mistake. and in the next saying is both of us causing issues in our marriage and mental health. I've tired talking to her twice about it and she pulls it around to pointing out my flaws. so no support there. I've given up talking to her about it because it just makes me mad. how dare she blame me! I had no idea this was going on! yes I'm fat and lazy but that doesn't equal to him doing this!
sorry. vent over. I have told one person I can trust at work (my team leader) now and told my higher up bosses just that my husband is in trouble with the police. they were very supportive and immediately sent me resources I have available through work for my mental health.
I have now saved the mental health number for work and the Samaritans on my phone if I find myself needing to talk with someone.
To make maters worse the police told his work even though they had said they didn't need to. his work was OK at first because he doesn't work with children but then fired him later the next day. (he works in care and goes house to house so grandchildren could be visiting was their reason).
luckily he had already applied for another job closer to home selling tools and stuff. so all positive thoughts for his interview this week! and hoping they don't need a DBS or anything as it's a small private owned shop.
I'm trying to get back to normal. back to work today. but I'm really struggling with my own mental health. finances are short too due to him losing his job. I'll have to ask my family for money help but we aren't telling them. they will pressure me to leave and might not help us because of it. so we are saying he had a traffic violation that is going to court and as he drives in his work they fired him.
He's doing better then I expected with this all. Doing everything the helplines are telling him and got the books to read to try to understand this more. has been keeping busy and using this "time off" to sort out the garden and things. I am scared of when he crashes though as I don't know if he's gonna try to hurt himself in a low. I found out he did last month, and only didn't because of chance. and that was before all of this happened.
I've been focused on the self care and keeping busy with art stuff. as if I don't my mental health goes crazy. which is why I'm worried about work. it's very relaxed at work and will allow me alot of time to think.
anyways. wanted to update you all where we are now. I'm feeling alot more secure in my choice to stay as well as I'm seeing big changes in him already. I just hope they stay and isn't gonna be only short term as we are only 10 days after the knock right now.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
My husband has said that my loss of libido due to medication led him to watch more porn. That I understand, but we both acknowledge that my problems have in no way caused his offending. He has to take responsibility for that, him alone.
MIL's are great aren't they?!?! Mine never asks how me and the kids are, just pleads with me not to abandon her son.
As for your weight..... this fellow curvy ladies would like to reassure you that having an overweight partner is not an excuse for bad behaviour ????
My husband has said that my loss of libido due to medication led him to watch more porn. That I understand, but we both acknowledge that my problems have in no way caused his offending. He has to take responsibility for that, him alone.
MIL's are great aren't they?!?! Mine never asks how me and the kids are, just pleads with me not to abandon her son.
As for your weight..... this fellow curvy ladies would like to reassure you that having an overweight partner is not an excuse for bad behaviour ????
I'm sorry to hear what your MIL has said to you. I feel like (as it is still early days) it is a knee jerk reaction for her, to find some blame that isn't all on her son. At the end of the day he didn't look for a healthy and useful way to deal his issues and went down a rabbit hole.
My MIL and FIL were not ones for sharing feelings and my partner was brought up to 'just got on with it' and so he didn't know how to cope with stress very well. My partner is post sentencing and has six monthly visits and the police always ask him how work is, what his stress levels are like- and what will he do and what support does he have if he gets low again. It is well known my partner got in this mess due to not dealing with reality.
My partner has me to talk to, some friends and knows where to get external support.
Perhaps in Time your MIL can look at resources to learn more about the causes and triggers- I hope she apologizes. In short term it might be best to not go into the topic with her, but in long term she needs to understand and accept what her son is done, knowledge is power - and would help provide him better support. It was very disappointing to find out my MIL basically burybher head in the sand, yes she turned up on court but I feel like it wasn't proper support really- when questioned by the family services she came off badly as dismissive.
I wasn't with my partner at the time of his offending. Alot of his family and friends like to blame his ex wife, but to me isn't helping - he knew he was in a tough situation and he did love his ex wife but their relationship was strained (mostly from external factors like low income and family loss)- she didn't make him go looking for images and go on chat rooms. He wasnt (and still isn't) an angel.
But now he can take accountability and is much better at expressing himself.
My MIL and FIL were not ones for sharing feelings and my partner was brought up to 'just got on with it' and so he didn't know how to cope with stress very well. My partner is post sentencing and has six monthly visits and the police always ask him how work is, what his stress levels are like- and what will he do and what support does he have if he gets low again. It is well known my partner got in this mess due to not dealing with reality.
My partner has me to talk to, some friends and knows where to get external support.
Perhaps in Time your MIL can look at resources to learn more about the causes and triggers- I hope she apologizes. In short term it might be best to not go into the topic with her, but in long term she needs to understand and accept what her son is done, knowledge is power - and would help provide him better support. It was very disappointing to find out my MIL basically burybher head in the sand, yes she turned up on court but I feel like it wasn't proper support really- when questioned by the family services she came off badly as dismissive.
I wasn't with my partner at the time of his offending. Alot of his family and friends like to blame his ex wife, but to me isn't helping - he knew he was in a tough situation and he did love his ex wife but their relationship was strained (mostly from external factors like low income and family loss)- she didn't make him go looking for images and go on chat rooms. He wasnt (and still isn't) an angel.
But now he can take accountability and is much better at expressing himself.