Fresh start
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So I don't know if any of you remember (I've been MIA for 9 months). My husband of 30 years was arrested in March 2021 for 2x chats with under age (both police officers). No arrangements to meet, no pics, vids or anything found on any devices.
He was sentenced to 3 years, October last year, although out this December.
My world crashed around me. We had a good life. Holidays, no money worries, good jobs, 2 daughters that loved to spend time with us... The perfect family (in my eyes).
After 6 months in a cat C prison, he's now been moved to a car D. He's soon to be allowed out for weekends home once a month...... My anxiety is through the roof.
When he was first sent to prison I couldn't imagine life without him. Since then I've learnt how to manage finances, sold and bought a new house, and even learned how to use a drill!!!!
I feel stronger but a complete different person. Beforehand I would do anything to avoid conflict. Now I'm bloody bossing it. I feel so empowered but still lonely.
I worry when he gets out that he thinks he can 'date' and start a fresh.... I don't know if I can do that. I've built such a wall around me.
Has anyone else been in this situation? Advice please xxxx
He was sentenced to 3 years, October last year, although out this December.
My world crashed around me. We had a good life. Holidays, no money worries, good jobs, 2 daughters that loved to spend time with us... The perfect family (in my eyes).
After 6 months in a cat C prison, he's now been moved to a car D. He's soon to be allowed out for weekends home once a month...... My anxiety is through the roof.
When he was first sent to prison I couldn't imagine life without him. Since then I've learnt how to manage finances, sold and bought a new house, and even learned how to use a drill!!!!
I feel stronger but a complete different person. Beforehand I would do anything to avoid conflict. Now I'm bloody bossing it. I feel so empowered but still lonely.
I worry when he gets out that he thinks he can 'date' and start a fresh.... I don't know if I can do that. I've built such a wall around me.
Has anyone else been in this situation? Advice please xxxx
Hi,
Well done for completely bossing it. Not in the same situation exactly but we are two years from the knock. He was on remand for six months which were the last six months of my pregnancy. We are just looking at what our fresh start is. I'm terrified of any intimacy, I've changed so much mentally and physically these past two years and have built walls but I've also knocked some down and realised there is strength in asking for help.
Our next step is to have joint counselling through stopso (I think). This may not happen for another couple of years depending on how we go. You don't have to know exactly how things are going to be but you should communicate with him what you are comfortable with and what you're not ready for. Maybe coffee or something less intense than dating might work for you to test how you feel. I hope things work out well for you xx
Well done for completely bossing it. Not in the same situation exactly but we are two years from the knock. He was on remand for six months which were the last six months of my pregnancy. We are just looking at what our fresh start is. I'm terrified of any intimacy, I've changed so much mentally and physically these past two years and have built walls but I've also knocked some down and realised there is strength in asking for help.
Our next step is to have joint counselling through stopso (I think). This may not happen for another couple of years depending on how we go. You don't have to know exactly how things are going to be but you should communicate with him what you are comfortable with and what you're not ready for. Maybe coffee or something less intense than dating might work for you to test how you feel. I hope things work out well for you xx
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Thanks ladies. I love the idea of a 'contract'. I have already spoken to him about needing to set boundaries, so I think he understands he will have to work hard to gain my trust again. We have already made arrangements for him to move in with his mother when he is released. I just don't want him thinking that when he has his 'weekends out' we are going to be playing happy families.
I'm going to visit him tomorrow so I'm sure the subject will come up again.
I'm going to visit him tomorrow so I'm sure the subject will come up again.
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Mw,
I've just been back to read your story as I recognised your name but couldn't remember. The difference in your posts is inspirational! I'm so glad you're happy and positive xx
I've just been back to read your story as I recognised your name but couldn't remember. The difference in your posts is inspirational! I'm so glad you're happy and positive xx
Hi mw
I've just looked back, and your situation sounds extremely similar to mine with the same charges and being told suspended is likely. But you are much further down the line than me as we are awaiting the court date and I am terrified he will be sent away. I don't see any cases like this where they get a suspended :(
I am so glad you feel much stronger now though. I don't think you will know how you will feel until you see him when he's out. But you have to take it as slow as you want, and on your own terms. I'm sure he will understand that. Maybe you both write your expectations down first before talking about them? Then review?
I hope everything works out ok x
I've just looked back, and your situation sounds extremely similar to mine with the same charges and being told suspended is likely. But you are much further down the line than me as we are awaiting the court date and I am terrified he will be sent away. I don't see any cases like this where they get a suspended :(
I am so glad you feel much stronger now though. I don't think you will know how you will feel until you see him when he's out. But you have to take it as slow as you want, and on your own terms. I'm sure he will understand that. Maybe you both write your expectations down first before talking about them? Then review?
I hope everything works out ok x
As Polly Pocket has said, your positively shines through in this post. It's so light and refreshing amongst so much heaviness and turmoil. Life is often so different depending on the lens you choose to look through - I doubt its always been that easy, but well done you.
If you don't mind, would you mind talking about cat D and being allowed out? I know very little about that what's, where and whys this can happen.
My person lived 3-4 hours from me, we didn't live together (I was on the cusp of moving in with him when this happened). From your knowledge of he could get moved to a Cat D closer to me, do you think he'd be able to visit me for a weekend? What are the terms around him being allowed out - Are they for specific things? I don't want to get my hopes up and am trying to just set my expectations that we will only ever be able to see him in prison until his sentences is served.
If you don't mind, would you mind talking about cat D and being allowed out? I know very little about that what's, where and whys this can happen.
My person lived 3-4 hours from me, we didn't live together (I was on the cusp of moving in with him when this happened). From your knowledge of he could get moved to a Cat D closer to me, do you think he'd be able to visit me for a weekend? What are the terms around him being allowed out - Are they for specific things? I don't want to get my hopes up and am trying to just set my expectations that we will only ever be able to see him in prison until his sentences is served.
I remember you, our stories were very similar as to the crime, I often wondered how you were, I remrmber the sentence was a huge shock for you and now you sound like a diff8person! So so strong. We are still waiting on evidence, barrister is badgering them and constantly getting stone walled so she's taking it to tribunal. I'm. Preparing for the worst too, we both are but I've taken a huge step back from it all and I feel so much better for it. If he sticks by your boundaries and fights like he'll to get your marriage back on track, do what you want to do and look after yourself and your girls, you deserve it so much after what you've been through x
Love the bit about the drill.... I have learned so much from you tube and recently what needs to be outsourced ....
Take one step at a time.
you both need to get to know each other again and then when you are ready you will know what you want to do.
Take one step at a time.
you both need to get to know each other again and then when you are ready you will know what you want to do.