Relationship post sentencing
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So oh can come home, he is post sentencing, closed to SS.
I expected a huge relief that the worse is over but I am still feeling resentful for the life I've lost and what he's put us through this past year.
I just feel sad.
I love him, unsure if I'm in love with him because if this. we don't talk that much about what's happened anymore, whereas in the beginning we openly discussed it all, as sometimes I can't be bothered to go thru it all agsin and sometimes I think there is nothing else to discuss. We've been thru it all. I kind of understand how he got to where he was. He's done lots of work on himself, is remorseful, has a new job and is doing ok with occasional blip.
should we be getting couple counselling, should I be getting counselling? Is the relationship over? What should I/we be working on? I enjoy his company, I don't want to give up just yet but sometimes feel like I can't let me guard down for fear of getting hurt again. Sometimes I think why make the effort it should be up to him.
any advice appreciated x
I expected a huge relief that the worse is over but I am still feeling resentful for the life I've lost and what he's put us through this past year.
I just feel sad.
I love him, unsure if I'm in love with him because if this. we don't talk that much about what's happened anymore, whereas in the beginning we openly discussed it all, as sometimes I can't be bothered to go thru it all agsin and sometimes I think there is nothing else to discuss. We've been thru it all. I kind of understand how he got to where he was. He's done lots of work on himself, is remorseful, has a new job and is doing ok with occasional blip.
should we be getting couple counselling, should I be getting counselling? Is the relationship over? What should I/we be working on? I enjoy his company, I don't want to give up just yet but sometimes feel like I can't let me guard down for fear of getting hurt again. Sometimes I think why make the effort it should be up to him.
any advice appreciated x
Hi JayJay,
As u no I'm nearly 2 years post sentencing and I'm still struggling now, I have had 2 bouts of counselling and just started CBT counselling yesterday, it's so hard because they should be moving heaven and earth for us but sometimes it's like it's never happened for them but because we have had to prove ourselves to ss we feel more aggrieved if that makes sense. We don't talk about it much now but I try to explain that even though I suffered from depression before this situation has been brought all my fears and worries to the fore front again and I cant just go back to normal.
I feel that I am lucky in the respect of my oh does understand that's this all his fault and takes everything I throw at him, but he is trying to make it upto me. I often think should we be doing couples counselling but we just couldn't afford it. If u think u can then maybe u should but honestly just being able to sit down and have Frank conversations about how u both feel has helped us and making time for just us as that is hard with kids.
Things will get easier but it's a long road to go down xx
As u no I'm nearly 2 years post sentencing and I'm still struggling now, I have had 2 bouts of counselling and just started CBT counselling yesterday, it's so hard because they should be moving heaven and earth for us but sometimes it's like it's never happened for them but because we have had to prove ourselves to ss we feel more aggrieved if that makes sense. We don't talk about it much now but I try to explain that even though I suffered from depression before this situation has been brought all my fears and worries to the fore front again and I cant just go back to normal.
I feel that I am lucky in the respect of my oh does understand that's this all his fault and takes everything I throw at him, but he is trying to make it upto me. I often think should we be doing couples counselling but we just couldn't afford it. If u think u can then maybe u should but honestly just being able to sit down and have Frank conversations about how u both feel has helped us and making time for just us as that is hard with kids.
Things will get easier but it's a long road to go down xx
Hi Dawn,
sorry you're still struggling sometimes. I think we expect this to go away post sentencing but it comes with over problems and hurdles. Is your oh back home?
don't get me wrong, he knows it's all his fault and I've done nothing wrong, but when I remind him of things, give him a few home truths or tell him that I'm not feelings things are good, he gets upset then it's me who feels guilty!
I think I've looked after everyone and dealt with everything, neglecting myself and feelings, that now it's hitting me and I'm grieving for my lost life.
is cbt helping? Or was counselling better? Xx
sorry you're still struggling sometimes. I think we expect this to go away post sentencing but it comes with over problems and hurdles. Is your oh back home?
don't get me wrong, he knows it's all his fault and I've done nothing wrong, but when I remind him of things, give him a few home truths or tell him that I'm not feelings things are good, he gets upset then it's me who feels guilty!
I think I've looked after everyone and dealt with everything, neglecting myself and feelings, that now it's hitting me and I'm grieving for my lost life.
is cbt helping? Or was counselling better? Xx
Hi Jayjay,
Trust me everything u are saying is exactly how I feel or been feeling, that's y I want u to no its totally normal, the thing is like u say are feelings have been put on hold while we have to deal with wat they have caused I.e. this situation and the worry of wat will happen, then look after the kids and then be judged by ss. While all they have to worry about is wat is gonna come out and wat their sentence was, ( I no that is stressful BUT NO where near as stressful as wat we have to go through ).
No my husband is not home yet, because I didn't find this group until we were in ccp and that whole process was too stressful, that I only fought for over night stays, but in a year or 2 when our youngest is going to high school I will fight to get him home. Unfortunately all the stress of being in ccp has left me feeling like I am crap at being a mum and I now have to fight my way back to being a bit more normal, SORRY I suffer with mental health and that had took a complete nose dive through all of this, I feel like PSTD but no one wants to label me I think, they just say well u have been through a lot.
My CBT only started Thursday and that was just a getting to no u appointment and explain how it works, I'm not sure that's wat I need, as I feel I need someone to fix me, as I had a traumatic childhood and like I say this process has open up a can of worms that I can't put back and ss just leave u to it, they don't care wat trauma they cause u
Trust me everything u are saying is exactly how I feel or been feeling, that's y I want u to no its totally normal, the thing is like u say are feelings have been put on hold while we have to deal with wat they have caused I.e. this situation and the worry of wat will happen, then look after the kids and then be judged by ss. While all they have to worry about is wat is gonna come out and wat their sentence was, ( I no that is stressful BUT NO where near as stressful as wat we have to go through ).
No my husband is not home yet, because I didn't find this group until we were in ccp and that whole process was too stressful, that I only fought for over night stays, but in a year or 2 when our youngest is going to high school I will fight to get him home. Unfortunately all the stress of being in ccp has left me feeling like I am crap at being a mum and I now have to fight my way back to being a bit more normal, SORRY I suffer with mental health and that had took a complete nose dive through all of this, I feel like PSTD but no one wants to label me I think, they just say well u have been through a lot.
My CBT only started Thursday and that was just a getting to no u appointment and explain how it works, I'm not sure that's wat I need, as I feel I need someone to fix me, as I had a traumatic childhood and like I say this process has open up a can of worms that I can't put back and ss just leave u to it, they don't care wat trauma they cause u
Hi jayjay sorry to hear things are still awfull after the sentence . I assume it's hard :( I don't know how I will cope with all the rules and restrictions . Was just wondering what SS say now I know you said he can come home but is it still all supervision and things or are they not involved at all. Xxx
Thanks for the reassurance Dawn. I hope the counselling/CBT starts to help you very soon. I'm sure if you pushed it sooner (and if that's what you wanted of course) you can get him home a lot sooner if no contact restrictions. You gotta go what's best for you and the kids. I think we only start to process what the hell happened post sentencing don't we. Hugs x
xxx SW had us on a CIN until post sentencing. They saw us after court and asked if he was moving back in?! I didn't know that was an immediate option and I still didn't know it I was staying or not! Anyway I discussed overnights initially and they said yes fine they just recommend slowly at first, and if he was having unsupervised contact with our kids, (there was no contact restrictions on SHPO) just to start for short periods and build it up. I followed it up in an email so had it in writing and they confirmed case was closed. So basically it's up to me now x
xxx SW had us on a CIN until post sentencing. They saw us after court and asked if he was moving back in?! I didn't know that was an immediate option and I still didn't know it I was staying or not! Anyway I discussed overnights initially and they said yes fine they just recommend slowly at first, and if he was having unsupervised contact with our kids, (there was no contact restrictions on SHPO) just to start for short periods and build it up. I followed it up in an email so had it in writing and they confirmed case was closed. So basically it's up to me now x
Hi Jayjay
I recognise completely the feelings you are having. We could afford it (he paid), so we did have counselling via Relate. It helped to clarify things in our relationship irrespective of his crime - eg the "he does something wrong - I get angry - he gets upset - I end up feeling gulity" thing happens on all sorts of levels, not just related to his crime. It was good because it reminded us it of why we fell in love/what we valued out of each other.
We each had a separate session with the counsellor, that was ok but I did not feel therapy for me was particularly helpful.
I hope this helps a bit,
Vic
x
I recognise completely the feelings you are having. We could afford it (he paid), so we did have counselling via Relate. It helped to clarify things in our relationship irrespective of his crime - eg the "he does something wrong - I get angry - he gets upset - I end up feeling gulity" thing happens on all sorts of levels, not just related to his crime. It was good because it reminded us it of why we fell in love/what we valued out of each other.
We each had a separate session with the counsellor, that was ok but I did not feel therapy for me was particularly helpful.
I hope this helps a bit,
Vic
x
Hi JayJay,
I think I felt like I couldn't fight any more battles, but once I'm stronger I will fight to get him home. I may come to u for advice if that's OK xx
I think I felt like I couldn't fight any more battles, but once I'm stronger I will fight to get him home. I may come to u for advice if that's OK xx
That's good . But still hard on you and lot of work hope things will get better for you xxx
Hi xxx,
Thank u, I hope everyone who has children and has to go through this process gets the outcomes they want xx it's just such a shame the mothers/partners have to go through such a rough time xx
Thank u, I hope everyone who has children and has to go through this process gets the outcomes they want xx it's just such a shame the mothers/partners have to go through such a rough time xx
Of course Dawn. Happy to help in anyway I can. I would have been lost without this forum and the great advice from here. Do something nice for yourself today no matter how small :)
I'm feeling much more positive today and will look into couples counselling to try and save our relationship x
I'm feeling much more positive today and will look into couples counselling to try and save our relationship x