Who is it safe to tell?
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Hi all, me again, please don’t get sick of me! I’m up once again in the middle of the night feeling so very alone. I’ve just phoned Samaritans (again!) I have nobody to care for me, I’m in a city away from my place of birth, so no relatives nearby, and I feel so desperate to reach out for some help for me, but am terrified that sharing this horrible piece of shock news will have terrible repercussions, particularly for my kids. I will phone the helpline in the morning with my list of questions (probably the first of many!) and start looking at some of the smaller practicalities, I basically need to start all over again. Don’t get me wrong, the Samaritans are fantastic but I need a hug from someone who knows me, is familiar with my situation, and can help me take my first steps. Problem is, I have this grenade of knowledge in my pocket, that if it falls into the wrong hands, will explode. How do you decide who you can confidently tell? I adore my best friend, she knows me inside and out, and would know how to help me, but given the shocking nature of what’s happened I’m scared she’ll feel the need to share and my family need our income for as long as we can. I’d be grateful for any insights on this, please. Thanks.
While you can never predict someones reaction i think you will be surprised how supportive people can be. Is your best friend a gossip? Would she/he really tell anyone else? You need someone, if tgey are your best friend and you have trusted them and confided in them about other things why not this. How about starting off slowly, tell your friend or family member something has happened and you need a hug and support and work up to telling them the whole story when you are ready.
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Thanks Andrea and Maria, I can’t tell you how much it means that you’ve responded. I feel in a little less shock now (although new things are coming to light which have set me back a little, okay, a lot). I am a great Mum (it’s one of my few strengths!) but the lack of food and sleep are starting to take their toll and I need to keep myself together for the sake of my kids. As I said, I think we’ll need to start again and I need to start seeking some answers and to do this I need the support and guidance from someone who knows me and loves me, and then I can be a million percent for my kids. I know this isn’t my fault, but I’m definitely paying for it. Hugs all round.
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Thanks Andrea, it was unfortunate I found out right before the weekend, so I’ve had a lot of time, particularly at night, to think about things. I’m sure my head will settle once I can get some info, I’ve had too long to speculate. I’m hoping Soc Servs will be supportive in terms of guidance I need for the children, fingers crossed, and you’re right, I think I can even partially tell my best friend. I haven’t asked him to leave you see, I’m confused about how I feel and our kids adore him and I know he isn’t a threat, plus i’m trying to keep things as normal as poss for the kids. What a mess.
Hi Crystal,
i hope your call with Stop It Now! goes well today. They really helped me to start getting my thoughts in order, and made some great recommendations for things to read to start helping myself to deal with the situation. Like you, the first few days felt like revelation after revelation- just when I thought I’d come to terms with it and could deal with it, I’d ask a question and find out something else which tipped the balance and set me off sobbing again, as I didn’t know if it was something I could deal with. Frustratingly the person I most wanted that big hug from was the person who had put me in this situation!
You said on another thread that you’ve spoken with your sister in law - could you perhaps ask her to come visit for a few days, or vice versa take the kids to see her at the weekend?
Like others have said, maybe you can build up to telling your best friend? I also haven’t told anyone yet. I don’t think I’ll ever tell my family the full story, whatever the outcome (my family are also not nearby and there are no children, so it’s easy to not say anything), but I am weighing up which of my friends to tell. Most of my friends are scattered around the country, so it’s deciding who is close enough physically to give me a hug, but who will also just listen and support without making rash judgements. I’m also concerned about ruining my partner’s reputation, as we have so many mutual friends (we met through close friends), some of whom have kids. I know the news will likely get out eventually, but like you I’m clinging onto “normality” for as long as possible.
I wish I could give you a big hug myself! Good luck with your call today - if you can’t get through at first just keep trying, you will eventually. Sending you love x
i hope your call with Stop It Now! goes well today. They really helped me to start getting my thoughts in order, and made some great recommendations for things to read to start helping myself to deal with the situation. Like you, the first few days felt like revelation after revelation- just when I thought I’d come to terms with it and could deal with it, I’d ask a question and find out something else which tipped the balance and set me off sobbing again, as I didn’t know if it was something I could deal with. Frustratingly the person I most wanted that big hug from was the person who had put me in this situation!
You said on another thread that you’ve spoken with your sister in law - could you perhaps ask her to come visit for a few days, or vice versa take the kids to see her at the weekend?
Like others have said, maybe you can build up to telling your best friend? I also haven’t told anyone yet. I don’t think I’ll ever tell my family the full story, whatever the outcome (my family are also not nearby and there are no children, so it’s easy to not say anything), but I am weighing up which of my friends to tell. Most of my friends are scattered around the country, so it’s deciding who is close enough physically to give me a hug, but who will also just listen and support without making rash judgements. I’m also concerned about ruining my partner’s reputation, as we have so many mutual friends (we met through close friends), some of whom have kids. I know the news will likely get out eventually, but like you I’m clinging onto “normality” for as long as possible.
I wish I could give you a big hug myself! Good luck with your call today - if you can’t get through at first just keep trying, you will eventually. Sending you love x
D, we’re exactly the same. I am asking questions I wasn’t ready to ask on Fri and it’s set me back. I’m scared I’ll break down in the School playground or blurt it to someone I shouldn’t. But I can see the sun is rising now and the kids will be up soon and the negative thoughts subside a little. Thanks again for being there.
I know what you mean Crystal - but that does get a little easier. One thing I’ve found helpful is to write down the questions when I think of them and put them out of my mind for a while. I then go back to them when I feel up to it and think about whether knowing the answer will actually help or hinder me right now. I have a running list of questions, some of which I may never ask because knowing the answer absolutely would not help me. There are some which I’d like to ask in a mediated/therapy environment, because I know the answer (and asking the question) could be traumatic to both of us. Then there are some questions which I feel I can ask my partner when he feels up to answering. I’ve learnt to set aside some time specifically for discussing these things - to ask him when he feels ok to discuss how we have both been feeling that day, what the highs and lows were, and then one or two questions if it feels right to ask them. It does often leave him feeling a little distressed, but mean as it sounds that’s helpful to me as I know he’s truly remorseful for what he has done and reminds me that at heart he is a good man. Naive as it may be, it actually gives me some hope. Doing this in a structured way has helped us both, as it means the emotional wave that may or may not follow is less of a derailer.
Like you I worry about blurting it out, especially when we have been socialising together with mutual friends - it’s hard as I’m an extrovert and wear my heart on my sleeve, so hiding how I’m feeling is a real drain on energy, but you can push through. If nothing else, this experience shows all of us partners just how strong and resilient we can be (no matter the outcome). You’ve got this Crystal - we are all here for you if you need us, and we believe in you <3
Like you I worry about blurting it out, especially when we have been socialising together with mutual friends - it’s hard as I’m an extrovert and wear my heart on my sleeve, so hiding how I’m feeling is a real drain on energy, but you can push through. If nothing else, this experience shows all of us partners just how strong and resilient we can be (no matter the outcome). You’ve got this Crystal - we are all here for you if you need us, and we believe in you <3
D, what a fantastic idea, that's invaluable, thank you. You're really inspirational! Back at you with all the support, I'm lucky to have you to show me the way! I had a good talk with the StopitNow helpline this morning, and I've even just eaten lunch (ok, most of it!). Not kidding myself though, there will me many twists and turns, I'm sure.
That’s great progress Crystal! I found my call was a bit of a turning point for me personally - I think that night was the first one where I actually slept more than 3 hours, and I actually ate dinner that night.
if nothing else, this experience has reignited my passion for reading, as I’m reading anything on the topic which I can get my hands on!!
i hope you manage to also get some sleep tonight, and I hope SIN! were able to offer you some helpful advice x
if nothing else, this experience has reignited my passion for reading, as I’m reading anything on the topic which I can get my hands on!!
i hope you manage to also get some sleep tonight, and I hope SIN! were able to offer you some helpful advice x
Hi all, I'm feeling very touched reading your posts and seeing the wonderful support that you are offering to each other. I'm glad, too, that your calls to the Stop it Now! Helpline have been helpful (and I hope you have been able to get through without too many difficulties).
The issues surrounding disclosure are complex and very personal. In general, most people tell us that they find it enormously helpful to have at least 1 or 2 trusted people who knows what's going on, and to whom they can turn for support. But, of course, that might not be possible for everyone - it depends on people's relationships with their family and friends.
One final thing: you might find some of the information on this link helpful, too: https://get-help.stopitnow.org.uk/what-can-i-do/who-can-help-me
Best wishes to you all.
The issues surrounding disclosure are complex and very personal. In general, most people tell us that they find it enormously helpful to have at least 1 or 2 trusted people who knows what's going on, and to whom they can turn for support. But, of course, that might not be possible for everyone - it depends on people's relationships with their family and friends.
One final thing: you might find some of the information on this link helpful, too: https://get-help.stopitnow.org.uk/what-can-i-do/who-can-help-me
Best wishes to you all.
Hi Crystal, i'm glad you mentioned this as when this happened to us, i really couldn't think rationally and told some family members who went and passed it on to their spouses and my grown up neices and nephews, i really wish i hadn't told them as i feel i don't trust them anymore, as i did tell them it was confidential etc etc, so i'd like to say just be really careful who you want to tell as it cannot be taken back, i don't like to sound negative but think seriously who can you trust not to tell anyone else? I'm not close to my siblings anymore because of this. This forum and Stopitnow are amazing, i wish there had been a forum when my situation happened as no one judges you or the person who has offended. Three very close friends who i did tell have been fab, never told no one else and never judged me or my son, they have been very supportive. Anyway lots of cyber hugs and take care x.
Hi all
It is 3 years to this day that the police arrived at my door. I’ve recently heard about the site and had wanted to join the forum but it has taken some courage to get signed up. Sadly, due to the very nature of the need for anonymity, my screen name is far from my real name, but it is wonderful to finally have some contact with others who are going through something that I also experienced.
For me, disclosure was, like it is for us all, highly anxiety provoking. I had been with my ex-partner for almost 9 years. I am a professional working in the social care arena so struggled with this fact even more given that I was unable to notice any signs or indications that this was going on. We moved out from each other within a month, I had to move area and also was lucky enough to move jobs giving me the chance to start afresh in one sense. However, we did not separate until 3 months later and due to the nature of no-one finding out about what he had done, he made me feel that he relied on me in order to survive the 13 month wait from arrest to conviction. He got a 2 year suspended sentence which is due to end soon.
This theme of needing me, making threats to harm himself if I were to share anything etc. Meant that I did not disclose what had happened to many people initially other than a manager after about 10 days of being in complete turmoil when I knew my job depended on me getting additional support. Within 6 months I had shared with one other close friend but it took me two years before I shared anything with my family.
There is absolutely no right time or prescription about who to tell and how to tell. I have told some people over the phone but most in person. I have been fortunate enough to not have any negative responses with regards to disclosure. However, I never ever imagined that I would have been able to share this, particularly in the first few weeks. For me, it has been a further stage in my future and they have been a wonderful support. I got so tired of lying, and covering things up that it was starting to impact upon my mental health. If you are too scared to tell those close to you I’d really recommend confiding in a GP, manager, counsellor. The way in which I have grown in the last year has been massively linked to my finally sharing with my family.
You might find it helpful to read about what we do when we are exposed to trauma and how our brain functions in ‘fight, flight, freeze’ mode... this is a useful video on YouTube - https://youtu.be/jEHwB1PG_-Q it might help you to understand any anxiety or physical symptoms you might be feeling, as well as fuzzy brain for decision making. I found reading and trying to distract my brain by listening to music and experiencing different smells (e.g. lavender) and senses really helpful for sleep. It’s never a one size fits all but maybe worth a try.
Speak soon and take care all.
‘Rebecca’
It is 3 years to this day that the police arrived at my door. I’ve recently heard about the site and had wanted to join the forum but it has taken some courage to get signed up. Sadly, due to the very nature of the need for anonymity, my screen name is far from my real name, but it is wonderful to finally have some contact with others who are going through something that I also experienced.
For me, disclosure was, like it is for us all, highly anxiety provoking. I had been with my ex-partner for almost 9 years. I am a professional working in the social care arena so struggled with this fact even more given that I was unable to notice any signs or indications that this was going on. We moved out from each other within a month, I had to move area and also was lucky enough to move jobs giving me the chance to start afresh in one sense. However, we did not separate until 3 months later and due to the nature of no-one finding out about what he had done, he made me feel that he relied on me in order to survive the 13 month wait from arrest to conviction. He got a 2 year suspended sentence which is due to end soon.
This theme of needing me, making threats to harm himself if I were to share anything etc. Meant that I did not disclose what had happened to many people initially other than a manager after about 10 days of being in complete turmoil when I knew my job depended on me getting additional support. Within 6 months I had shared with one other close friend but it took me two years before I shared anything with my family.
There is absolutely no right time or prescription about who to tell and how to tell. I have told some people over the phone but most in person. I have been fortunate enough to not have any negative responses with regards to disclosure. However, I never ever imagined that I would have been able to share this, particularly in the first few weeks. For me, it has been a further stage in my future and they have been a wonderful support. I got so tired of lying, and covering things up that it was starting to impact upon my mental health. If you are too scared to tell those close to you I’d really recommend confiding in a GP, manager, counsellor. The way in which I have grown in the last year has been massively linked to my finally sharing with my family.
You might find it helpful to read about what we do when we are exposed to trauma and how our brain functions in ‘fight, flight, freeze’ mode... this is a useful video on YouTube - https://youtu.be/jEHwB1PG_-Q it might help you to understand any anxiety or physical symptoms you might be feeling, as well as fuzzy brain for decision making. I found reading and trying to distract my brain by listening to music and experiencing different smells (e.g. lavender) and senses really helpful for sleep. It’s never a one size fits all but maybe worth a try.
Speak soon and take care all.
‘Rebecca’
Hi,
I am 8 years in. I told almost nobody. I haven't even told my children. I am a professional working in a high pressured job and I cannot risk people knowing, mainly for the sake of my kids. It's so hard because I have had to build a brick wall around me because I worry that I will forget who knows and who doesn't, so I detach from everyone! I don't socialise because I darent drink with people in case it came out. My issue is that I am very damaged and often people say 'just get over him' because they think he just left me. So they think I'm a bit bonkers for being so damaged! I have told approx 10 people and they have all been amazing and it feels wonderful but i can't risk my kids knowing. x
I am 8 years in. I told almost nobody. I haven't even told my children. I am a professional working in a high pressured job and I cannot risk people knowing, mainly for the sake of my kids. It's so hard because I have had to build a brick wall around me because I worry that I will forget who knows and who doesn't, so I detach from everyone! I don't socialise because I darent drink with people in case it came out. My issue is that I am very damaged and often people say 'just get over him' because they think he just left me. So they think I'm a bit bonkers for being so damaged! I have told approx 10 people and they have all been amazing and it feels wonderful but i can't risk my kids knowing. x
Hi wife and mum. I am 9 months in and have children of similar ages to yours when your life was blown apart. Do you mind me asking if you will eventually tell your children? My oldest knows that their father has done something bad and can't live with us just now. When they're older I had planned to let them know as I don't think I could keep it from them. Also my situation hit the media so pretty much everyone knows.
Tired Mum I don’t know is the answer. I was advised to tell them but I didn’t and I believe that their lives are better not knowing. Once I tell them I can’t un-tell them so I will have to be soooo sure! My eldest used to ask my daily what has daddy done, why was daddy arrested, did he kill someone and I am ashamed to say I brushed it all off and said ‘what’? ‘No of course not’. My fear is that if they know and they tell someone who is their friend and that friend tells someone else then it’s all over for us! We will have to move away and I don’t want that. So my answer is no I don’t think I will tell them because it’s easier this way. Believe me there are times where I want to scream it out but no I don’t think I will. If I do they will be young adults. Xxx
Thank you wife and mum. I was advised to give them an indication of what he'd done to avoid them jumping to conclusions of him being a murderer etc, which I did. But I don't know if that was for the best or not. It's just so hard having to make these types of decisions. He has supervised contact so he is still in their lives and I still have no idea of how the future will be.
Hello, yes my ex had supervised contact for a while. There was a period where he wasn’t allowed contact too (I think this was a social services mess up though). He’s now fully in their lives and has them every other weekend and they adore him. I told them he messed up at work and I think I made something up about downloading movies onto DVDs! I said he lost his job because of that and he got into trouble with the police etc. It was muddled! But they were very young. I honestly believe that should they know I would be in a very difficult situation with their friends and I don’t need to risk that. If I have to tell them then I will. But I take it one day at a time and always have.
There have been times when the kids have been angry with me for kicking him out and said that I’m happy and he’s sad and it’s my fault and I’ve been so tempted to shout the truth, but not telling them has helped a lot for now. Perhaps drip feed some little bits but the actual truth is so hard to tell young children unless you have to. X
There have been times when the kids have been angry with me for kicking him out and said that I’m happy and he’s sad and it’s my fault and I’ve been so tempted to shout the truth, but not telling them has helped a lot for now. Perhaps drip feed some little bits but the actual truth is so hard to tell young children unless you have to. X
Just a note to everyone on this thread, you are all amazing people and I want to give you all a hug! You have done nothing wrong and should not fear how people will judge you because those who judge you badly are not your friends. Believe me, 8 years on I lost a fair few friends but gained some wonderful ones. I now know what a real friend is and what a person clinging to you for your drama is! The latter aren’t worth the time or effort. X
Thank you so much sharing your story it really means a lot x With my huabands situation being out it really makes me worry that my children may find out from someone else rather than me. At the moment we are still in the family home although long term it's not feasible as the mortgage is just too much for me on my own. The people within the community who know me well enough to broach the subject have been really supportive. But once I sort my head I think we'll need to move as I can't risk my children being bullied or suffer in any way from their father's actions
Hi ladies,
thank you all for sharing your stories, it’s helpful to see this from so many perspectives.
I’ve had a bit of a rough weekend which has continued into today, just wrestling with everything in my mind. I’m the sort of person who usually talks out my problems to resolve them, so I’m really struggling at the moment with not “being able” to tell anyone. I use the quotations as I’m just not sure who I could possibly tell. I feel like it would be easier to tell people if I was choosing to separate from my partner; but given that I currently hope to stay with him, I want to make sure I tell only the right people and give them the right information. I’ve made a list of people that I would normally be able to go to with things like boyfriend troubles, family drama or work issues - but I just don’t know if I can bring myself to burden any of them with this information.
My mum was supposed to be coming to visit this coming weekend, and I think that’s in part why I’m so stressed out. I worry that if she comes to the house she will find out somehow, or I’ll blurt it out, or she will know something is up (especially as we were talking about buying a house together last time I spoke to my mum, and that’s now obviously on hold at the very least). I absolutely cannot tell my mum, as she would tell my dad (as I mentioned in an earlier post, he can be a volatile character when it comes to things like this and I worry for my partner’s safety should he find out).
It would really help to talk it through with a friend right now, but I just don’t know how to - or how to raise the subject with my partner, as once one person knows I don’t know what they might do with that information.
I have got a doctors appointment booked for next week, as well as a call with SIN about the Inform course, but that feels like an eternity away and in the meantime I still have to contend with seeing my mum and not telling her anything. I’m debating postponing seeing my mum just to avoid the subject until I can speak with someone else and straighten my head out a bit.
thank you all for sharing your stories, it’s helpful to see this from so many perspectives.
I’ve had a bit of a rough weekend which has continued into today, just wrestling with everything in my mind. I’m the sort of person who usually talks out my problems to resolve them, so I’m really struggling at the moment with not “being able” to tell anyone. I use the quotations as I’m just not sure who I could possibly tell. I feel like it would be easier to tell people if I was choosing to separate from my partner; but given that I currently hope to stay with him, I want to make sure I tell only the right people and give them the right information. I’ve made a list of people that I would normally be able to go to with things like boyfriend troubles, family drama or work issues - but I just don’t know if I can bring myself to burden any of them with this information.
My mum was supposed to be coming to visit this coming weekend, and I think that’s in part why I’m so stressed out. I worry that if she comes to the house she will find out somehow, or I’ll blurt it out, or she will know something is up (especially as we were talking about buying a house together last time I spoke to my mum, and that’s now obviously on hold at the very least). I absolutely cannot tell my mum, as she would tell my dad (as I mentioned in an earlier post, he can be a volatile character when it comes to things like this and I worry for my partner’s safety should he find out).
It would really help to talk it through with a friend right now, but I just don’t know how to - or how to raise the subject with my partner, as once one person knows I don’t know what they might do with that information.
I have got a doctors appointment booked for next week, as well as a call with SIN about the Inform course, but that feels like an eternity away and in the meantime I still have to contend with seeing my mum and not telling her anything. I’m debating postponing seeing my mum just to avoid the subject until I can speak with someone else and straighten my head out a bit.
Hi D, firstly, massive hugs. Secondly, I totally understand, I need to talk things out too it makes me feel tonnes better. I called SiN earlier and from what they mentioned about ‘inform’ it sounds like a godsend. If I were you, I would get some strength from your calls first and postpone your mum’s visit (sad, I know, but remember it’s just a postponement) unless you can think of anybody safe to tell. This is a minefield, isn’t it? I hope you feel much better very soon, I’m sending you lots of positivity.
Thank you Crystal- that means so much! Honestly this little community is what’s keeping me sane right now, I’m so glad it’s here. I think I may need to call the helpline again before my scheduled call just to try to clear my head - it’s just finding a time and safe space outside of work to call. I’m basically in work or on public transport from 7am-7pm every day, so my window to call is slim unless I can work from home for the day. On the up side I can just tell my mum that work is insane (no lie!) so I need to postpone and she will understand. It’s such a minefield - every time I think about telling someone, I just think about how they might react/how they will deal with the information. Some of the people I’d normally go to are those who have shared information of their anxiety/trauma/depression with me in the past, but equally I don’t want to burden them with this information. Some of them are close to my partner, others not so much, but all have only ever had great things to say about him and I don’t want to tarnish that if I don’t have to. Some of them also have children, and I can’t bear to cause upset by setting their imaginations off. Even though I’m confident my partner would never lay a hand on a child, and that what has happened is an addiction and depression which spiralled out of control- I cannot deny that what he has done is abhorrent and the images he saw were the product of genuine harm to children. And I can’t bear for my friends to think about what he has done - especially knowing that I want to stand by him. I feel so torn!
Sending lots of love and positivity to you as well Crystal - thank you so much for your words of support xxx
Sending lots of love and positivity to you as well Crystal - thank you so much for your words of support xxx
D, I completely understand your feelings about your partner, I’m exactly the same, at this stage I’m able to separate the content from the motivation but I guess the real test of our relationships is in Court when the details about what has actually happened come out, although I think I’m going to sit that one out. Please phone SiN as much as you need and are able, don’t forget the helpline is open until 9pm. And do keep posting on here, we’re all going through this together, you’re really not on your own. I am so grateful for your support through this too.
Thank you Crystal. You are right, the real test will be once we have details back from the police and it all goes to court. I don’t know whether I’ll be able to stomach that - I guess it will all depend how truthful my partner has been with me.
whenever the subject is raised, he seems genuinely distressed and disgusted at what he has done, but I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing!
thank you again for your support - I hope we both have a positive outcome from this, one way or another. X
whenever the subject is raised, he seems genuinely distressed and disgusted at what he has done, but I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing!
thank you again for your support - I hope we both have a positive outcome from this, one way or another. X
Thanks D, I seem to have regressed a little, I’m quite panicky - think lack of sleep is the main factor.
That’s how I have felt all this weekend Crystal. I was doing ok most of last week, but Saturday and Sunday it just felt like I crumbled! My partner and I even had a “date night” on Friday (just a chance to go out for dinner and think about something else for the evening), and it was nice until I had a moment of panic for apparently no reason at the end of the night. I was fine once we got home and Saturday morning was ok, but after my partner went out in the afternoon I just felt a little overwhelmed with the racing thoughts, and by the evening I was just a mess!
It’s been said many times on this forum, it really does come in waves. And as one of the Paula Hall books says, you cannot stop the waves but you can learn to surf.
It’s been said many times on this forum, it really does come in waves. And as one of the Paula Hall books says, you cannot stop the waves but you can learn to surf.
Do try to get some sleep if you can Crystal - I’m sure it will help, as hard as it can be to switch off and get the rest you need. Xx
Thanks D, I think I’ll start to have a look at some of the recommended books, it really does come in waves. This time last week I was shocked but felt strong, this week I keep having panic attacks and I’m slightly further down the line, but then, I guess, it’s not linear.
Hi all my world has been turned upside down on friday,police came to the door wanting to speak to my husband,they have taken away any computer, cameras etc....he was taken to the police station and questioned about talking to a minor on line, he was brought back home after a few hours.I cant sleep eat think straight I think everyone knows about this,I have told noone, I am a grandmother how do I tell my sons, I'm numb inside, sick with worry, blaming myself,how did I not know.I have spoken to stop it now they told me about this forum group. please help with advise I feel so alone.
Hi Helen,
first of all I’m so sorry to hear you are in this situation, but you have done the right thing calling Stop It Now and I’m glad you have found this forum.
I would suggest that you do try to tell your sons if you can, both for the support they can offer to you and because they will likely find out sooner or later (especially if social services have to become involved because of your grandchildren). Remember that what your husband has done is no reflection on you.
i had to call my partner’s parents and tell them on the day he was arrested and the police searched our house. It was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do and was heartbreaking, but doing so has provided much needed support to both me and my partner. You cannot guarantee how your sons will react, but the longer you leave it the harder it will feel to give them the news.
first of all I’m so sorry to hear you are in this situation, but you have done the right thing calling Stop It Now and I’m glad you have found this forum.
I would suggest that you do try to tell your sons if you can, both for the support they can offer to you and because they will likely find out sooner or later (especially if social services have to become involved because of your grandchildren). Remember that what your husband has done is no reflection on you.
i had to call my partner’s parents and tell them on the day he was arrested and the police searched our house. It was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do and was heartbreaking, but doing so has provided much needed support to both me and my partner. You cannot guarantee how your sons will react, but the longer you leave it the harder it will feel to give them the news.
Hi D, thank you for your quick reply, I know your right I need to tell them sooner rather than later,I so scared of losing my family they are so precious to me. my husband is not the father of my sons. we have been married for over 10 years and he has a good relationship with both my sons, things will never be the same again.this is so raw at the moment.
I understand your pain Helen - I’m a month into my journey and it still feels raw. I have my better days (today is surprisingly one of them) and my worse days (this weekend was a whole bunch of those!), and it really does come in waves. Only time can make those waves easier to deal with.
only you can decide if and when you want to tell them, but the news will always be better coming from you rather than anyone else. I know it hurts you, and will hurt to tell your sons, but I am sure they would support you. Do think about telling them if you can, and please do not blame yourself for this - you didn’t know because he didn’t want you to know, not through any shortcomings on your part. He is his own person and responsible for his own actions - they are not your fault, and there is nothing you could have done differently to prevent him from doing what he had decided to do.
You are right that everything has changed and will not be the same again - you cannot control that, but you can control how you choose to move forward and start your own journey of healing (with or without your husband). Sending you love xx
only you can decide if and when you want to tell them, but the news will always be better coming from you rather than anyone else. I know it hurts you, and will hurt to tell your sons, but I am sure they would support you. Do think about telling them if you can, and please do not blame yourself for this - you didn’t know because he didn’t want you to know, not through any shortcomings on your part. He is his own person and responsible for his own actions - they are not your fault, and there is nothing you could have done differently to prevent him from doing what he had decided to do.
You are right that everything has changed and will not be the same again - you cannot control that, but you can control how you choose to move forward and start your own journey of healing (with or without your husband). Sending you love xx
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Hi Helen, I wanted to echo D's comments above and to acknowledge your courage in calling our Helpline and in posting on this forum. I hope you find these services helpful. Please call the Helpline as often as you wish in the coming days. I would encourage you to take things one day at a time, too and I assume you don't have to make any key decisions today.
There's a lot of really sound advice on this forum and I hope you have a chance to dip in and out of the various discussion topics. It's probably best done a little at a time as there's a lot of information here and it may feel a bit overwhelming. There's also a lot of support. You are not alone. Best wishes to you.
There's a lot of really sound advice on this forum and I hope you have a chance to dip in and out of the various discussion topics. It's probably best done a little at a time as there's a lot of information here and it may feel a bit overwhelming. There's also a lot of support. You are not alone. Best wishes to you.
It is a relief to tell close family/friends at first. The pressure of talking to them pretending everything is ok is unbearable. Most people for me have been good and listened and offered support so hopefully you will find that to. Im finding the people that know a bit of a burden now. I love that they want to help but i feel like im being talked about, like everyone is waiting for me to fall apart and telling me how i will feel or not understanding how i havent fallen apart. Its a difficult thing to tell people but i am glad i have. I know they all want to help, i feel bad that i dont let them but at tge end of the day its nice to know should you need someone they are there for you.
Maria - I would be interested to know how your friends and family have reacted given that some of your other posts imply you are currently still with him and hoping to work through it? I am in this situation and have yet to tell anyone as I’m worried about how they will take the news and my decision, as well as how they will treat my partner once they know. Have the people you have told been supportive of your decision, and supportive of your partner as he works to set things right? I hope you do not mind me asking.
D. I have to say im not sure exactly what people feel. My parents appear to have opposite views to eachother. His family obviously want us to remain together. Brothers and sisters are supportive but i think dont tell me what they think. Our friends have been supportive. Hes so lovely in the real world i think this is a spectacular fall from grace for him. We have children together which helps some people support us. I think peoples feelings are changing over time and im sure will change again when/if he is charged. Thats why telling people is a bit difficult, its great they know so i dont have to worry about hiding things but now i have to deal with all of their feelings and worries which is hard work. I think most people think im mad to consider staying with him but i can see how porn addiction has gripped him and although i do not condone his behaviour in any way i know him so well and know he wouldnt deliberatly do this to our family. Hes working so hard to sort his problem and is so upset by his behaviour. I dont think anyone understands why i am so good to my husband after what hes done but they respect my right to decide what is best for me.
Hi D
I am a year in and I like you normally like to talk things through. The only people that know about my situation family or friend wise are my mother and father in law, who have known since day 1 but are elderly so I try not to burden them too much, although they have been amazing. My eldest son and his wife know as I had to tell them due to the fact my Grandson was at my home when we got 'The Knock'.They have a young family so again dont want to burden them. I havent told anyone else due to the fact that I have chosen to stay with my Husband and support him. I would like to tell people close to me but like you want to tell the right people. I'm not someone who has lots of friends so to lose 1 especially my best friend would be such a loss at the moment even though she doesnt know about this. We are still 'under investigation' so still waiting for him to be charged (which we know will happen). My Husband is very sorry and disgusted with himself and is doing everything he can not to go down that road again, but Im not sure my friend will understand why I am staying with him. I do not condone what he has done and he knows this, but I can still see the man I fell in love with and married. This doesnt define who is, its just a short period in his life where he did wrong.
I have just completed an Inform course that was run by Stop it Now and I have found it immensely helpful. For the first time in nearly in 12 months I was able to talk about my situation with some lovely people that have or are also going through this. I didnt feel alone anymore. I have felt so isolated through this last year. I have made 5 new friends that know the worst thing about my life and havent judged me. I also found out some useful facts and information about the process. I also learnt about how additction which has helped me understand how and why my Husband could do what he has done. I would really recommend doing a course if you can.
Still not decided what to do, Rach x
I am a year in and I like you normally like to talk things through. The only people that know about my situation family or friend wise are my mother and father in law, who have known since day 1 but are elderly so I try not to burden them too much, although they have been amazing. My eldest son and his wife know as I had to tell them due to the fact my Grandson was at my home when we got 'The Knock'.They have a young family so again dont want to burden them. I havent told anyone else due to the fact that I have chosen to stay with my Husband and support him. I would like to tell people close to me but like you want to tell the right people. I'm not someone who has lots of friends so to lose 1 especially my best friend would be such a loss at the moment even though she doesnt know about this. We are still 'under investigation' so still waiting for him to be charged (which we know will happen). My Husband is very sorry and disgusted with himself and is doing everything he can not to go down that road again, but Im not sure my friend will understand why I am staying with him. I do not condone what he has done and he knows this, but I can still see the man I fell in love with and married. This doesnt define who is, its just a short period in his life where he did wrong.
I have just completed an Inform course that was run by Stop it Now and I have found it immensely helpful. For the first time in nearly in 12 months I was able to talk about my situation with some lovely people that have or are also going through this. I didnt feel alone anymore. I have felt so isolated through this last year. I have made 5 new friends that know the worst thing about my life and havent judged me. I also found out some useful facts and information about the process. I also learnt about how additction which has helped me understand how and why my Husband could do what he has done. I would really recommend doing a course if you can.
Still not decided what to do, Rach x
Maria and Rach, thank you both so much for your honest responses. It is a comfort to know there are people battling with the same thoughts and feelings, and also currently still with their offending partners. Your stories really resonate with me, so thank you for sharing. I’m trying to take each day as it comes, and know that it will be some time before I am truly able to make my mind up.
D - Taking things one day at a time is probably the best way to deal with things. A year on and I'm still doing that. I have a good day and then something will pop up and I will feel anxious again.
Good luck on your journey - Rach
Good luck on your journey - Rach
Hi all i'm on day 6 after the knock on the door although it feels like 6 years.I last posted on 2oct poring my heart out about my fears about telling my sons. I listened to your advise about telling them even though this woud be the hardest conversation ever.I went to see my youngest son yesterday evening,I told him everything starting with the knock, I expressed to him all the feelings, worries etc I have been having, it took me over an hour to tell him,all the time he just sat and listened I answered any questions he had.A heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders by telling him and being honest with him. The love and support pored out of him for me, he held me so tight, told me I must eat,and look after myself as I have an important job as his sons grandmother and at this stage take one day at a time, I can't express into words what this meant to me, I told him he was a amazing son his reponse was he is the person he is today because of me. I am telling my eldest son at the weekend, but will have my youngest son with me for support. I have a long long road to travel on and face situations. My hope today is that if anyone in my situation reads this and maybe gets some hope and comfort from telling their love ones.
Hi Helen, I’m so glad you were able to tell one of your sons, and that he can support you to tell your other son. Your youngest son sounds like he really is there for you and said everything you needed to hear. I’m so happy you have this support. I am sure your other son will be just as supportive.
I can only hope that my friends are as supportive if/when I have the courage and strength to tell them. X
I can only hope that my friends are as supportive if/when I have the courage and strength to tell them. X
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Hi Helen
I am so pleased that you have been able to tell one of yours sons and that he is a great support to you. I am also a Nanna. I told my eldest son within a week as my eldest Grandson was staying over the night before the knock! I had to tell him because the Social Services were informed immediately. Like your son he is very supportive, and said the situation is s*** but we would get through it together. I have yet to tell my youngest son. I havent said anything to him yet as I dont tend to have his children to stay and normally go to their house to see them. When my husband does get charged then that will be my next move, as well as us telling my husbands 2 daughters. We didnt want to put the burden on them, you still want to protect them for as long as you can even though they are adults. It has been nearly 13 months now that we have been waiting for the next stage. I am still struggling with who to tell, it is so hard to know what their reaction will be. Once you have told someone it cant be untold. The saddest part for me is that my husband has always been such a good husband father and step father and to know that this is what he will be remembered for!
Good luck with telliing your eldest son, I hope it goes well for you x
I am so pleased that you have been able to tell one of yours sons and that he is a great support to you. I am also a Nanna. I told my eldest son within a week as my eldest Grandson was staying over the night before the knock! I had to tell him because the Social Services were informed immediately. Like your son he is very supportive, and said the situation is s*** but we would get through it together. I have yet to tell my youngest son. I havent said anything to him yet as I dont tend to have his children to stay and normally go to their house to see them. When my husband does get charged then that will be my next move, as well as us telling my husbands 2 daughters. We didnt want to put the burden on them, you still want to protect them for as long as you can even though they are adults. It has been nearly 13 months now that we have been waiting for the next stage. I am still struggling with who to tell, it is so hard to know what their reaction will be. Once you have told someone it cant be untold. The saddest part for me is that my husband has always been such a good husband father and step father and to know that this is what he will be remembered for!
Good luck with telliing your eldest son, I hope it goes well for you x
Hi All,
We are so pleased that many people are using this forum as a place for support, but we just wanted to inform you that we have deleted a post off this thread as we felt it was more suited to seeking support from some of our other services. As a reminder, this forum is for friends and family members of those who committed offences relating to the access of indecent images of children as a safe space to seek support and advice from others who are going through something similar to them.
As a charity we do provide support and advice to those who have offended against children online through our Stop It Now Helpline, which you can contact on 0808 1000 900. We do also have an anonymised email system where you can send us a message here https://contactus.stopitnow.org.uk/. Via both these sources of support, our trained operators will be able to discuss your situation with you in more detail and provide you with the most appropriate advice and support. If yours is the post we have deleted, please do contact us through the methods we have detailed above so that we can help you in the best way possible. Please do note that our helpline is the most effective and responsive method of providing this support, so if possible do contact us there.
Best Wishes,
Lucy
We are so pleased that many people are using this forum as a place for support, but we just wanted to inform you that we have deleted a post off this thread as we felt it was more suited to seeking support from some of our other services. As a reminder, this forum is for friends and family members of those who committed offences relating to the access of indecent images of children as a safe space to seek support and advice from others who are going through something similar to them.
As a charity we do provide support and advice to those who have offended against children online through our Stop It Now Helpline, which you can contact on 0808 1000 900. We do also have an anonymised email system where you can send us a message here https://contactus.stopitnow.org.uk/. Via both these sources of support, our trained operators will be able to discuss your situation with you in more detail and provide you with the most appropriate advice and support. If yours is the post we have deleted, please do contact us through the methods we have detailed above so that we can help you in the best way possible. Please do note that our helpline is the most effective and responsive method of providing this support, so if possible do contact us there.
Best Wishes,
Lucy
I am new to the forum and my husband offended 12 years ago, he was sentenced almost 10 years ago and will complete his 10 year SOR registration next month. My story has never been told really, because I have never been able to trust anyone with it. At the time when this nightmare began there was no forum and nowhere to turn for people like me. I have read some of the forum posts and resonate with many of the things said. So, really to get my story out, I sat and typed it out in word. Unfortunately it is several pages long. I want to post it because I can't tell my story in a few short paragraphs. Is there any way I can post it on here, is there a word limit or some way of attaching it as a word document? Help!!!!