It's just so up and down.
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One minute I'm "we'll get through this, one day we'll have a future".
The next I'm up all night crying.
The man I love, who I adore, the father of my child. My first love. My only love, other than my son.
A sex offender. A porn addict. Asleep next to me, in my bed.
I love him. I hate him. I hate his family for abusing him for years.
Should I have known? I knew he liked porn, but don't all men like porn? I used to be so open about sex, an oversharer if anything. Your stereotypical liberated bisexual haha. Pro sex work and pro pornography. Now it seems like a dirty subject. Sex. Porn.
Kik. I wish I could sue that f*cking website.
I'm in university learning about child development, and child protection. I was going to open my own nursery one day. I guess not now, huh?
6th January, a day I'll definitely never forget. A day that destroyed my life. I'm in a relationship, but I have to be a single parent. I have to do everything. Because they can't be alone. Ofcourse I understand it, but my god it's sh*t. It's really really sh*t. I jump now if I hear a knock on the door. I'll never forget how my son played with police cars with an officer whilst another took his dad.
He is bailed until October, he's living here because neither the police or SS think he's a risk to our son, and that if he was I'm a protective factor, but they can't be alone together at any point, as per his bail, understandable. Reading this forum I realise that's a good outcome, but it doesn't feel like it right now. I guess his bail will just get extended again, that seems to be what happens.
Hope for the best prepare for the worst, that's the advice, but the thing is, I don't know what either of those are. Nobody has provided any explanation.
He's going to SAA meeting on Monday, he's trying to get help. Will that help, or will it make no difference anyway.
A million questions but with nobody to ask. It's 4.30am and I've not slept yet. It's been over a week of this now. I'm exhausted. And I can't sleep in the day because I've nobody to have my son, and I can't sleep at night because that's when I remember.
Isn't it sh*t? It's lonely. It's exhausting. I'm not sure how much longer I can play the happy mum whilst my life falls apart.
The next I'm up all night crying.
The man I love, who I adore, the father of my child. My first love. My only love, other than my son.
A sex offender. A porn addict. Asleep next to me, in my bed.
I love him. I hate him. I hate his family for abusing him for years.
Should I have known? I knew he liked porn, but don't all men like porn? I used to be so open about sex, an oversharer if anything. Your stereotypical liberated bisexual haha. Pro sex work and pro pornography. Now it seems like a dirty subject. Sex. Porn.
Kik. I wish I could sue that f*cking website.
I'm in university learning about child development, and child protection. I was going to open my own nursery one day. I guess not now, huh?
6th January, a day I'll definitely never forget. A day that destroyed my life. I'm in a relationship, but I have to be a single parent. I have to do everything. Because they can't be alone. Ofcourse I understand it, but my god it's sh*t. It's really really sh*t. I jump now if I hear a knock on the door. I'll never forget how my son played with police cars with an officer whilst another took his dad.
He is bailed until October, he's living here because neither the police or SS think he's a risk to our son, and that if he was I'm a protective factor, but they can't be alone together at any point, as per his bail, understandable. Reading this forum I realise that's a good outcome, but it doesn't feel like it right now. I guess his bail will just get extended again, that seems to be what happens.
Hope for the best prepare for the worst, that's the advice, but the thing is, I don't know what either of those are. Nobody has provided any explanation.
He's going to SAA meeting on Monday, he's trying to get help. Will that help, or will it make no difference anyway.
A million questions but with nobody to ask. It's 4.30am and I've not slept yet. It's been over a week of this now. I'm exhausted. And I can't sleep in the day because I've nobody to have my son, and I can't sleep at night because that's when I remember.
Isn't it sh*t? It's lonely. It's exhausting. I'm not sure how much longer I can play the happy mum whilst my life falls apart.
Thankyou! I'll have a look at these today
Lonelymum
I just wanted to say I feel every single word that you've wrote exactly the same feelings apart from my husband has to live at his mom's and I have two young boys to look after.
I just wanted to say I feel every single word that you've wrote exactly the same feelings apart from my husband has to live at his mom's and I have two young boys to look after.
It's good to know we aren't alone in this ??
Lonely mum I can so identify with your position.
I don't want to leave him, I love and care for him too much but this has really hurt me. I knew he looked at porn but I turned a blind eye, and had no idea of the extent of it. I love him but now the thought of being intimate... I just can't do it.
Then I think, will it always be like this? Is this a proper relationship? If this is how it is going to be, plus if he gets convicted, the stigma by association, and all the restrictions on not just his life but for both of us - will it be worth it to stay together?
Things are OK when I don't think about it, but I have so much anger inside me still, it pops out when I least expect it, like when we are having a disagreement over something trivial. Sometimes I wonder if I am provoking him, by being angry, disagreeable and unreasonable, into leaving me.
I have been used to having him as a confidante when I have had difficulties in my life, but I feel I can't lean on him now when I really need support - because he is the cause of the problem! I ha e not told my family yet, and only a couple of close friend and a counsellor. My adult children are supportive but I don't think it's fair or appropriate to lean on them.
Just after it happened, I had the terrible thought that if he'd died, things would have been easier - at least then I would have got support. I guess in some ways there has been a death - of the relationship and the life I used to have. I don't know _how_ I'm going to get through this, but I hold on to my certainty that I _will_.
It's crap, but I have to get to accepting that this is my life now, and I just have to find a way through, somehow.
I don't want to leave him, I love and care for him too much but this has really hurt me. I knew he looked at porn but I turned a blind eye, and had no idea of the extent of it. I love him but now the thought of being intimate... I just can't do it.
Then I think, will it always be like this? Is this a proper relationship? If this is how it is going to be, plus if he gets convicted, the stigma by association, and all the restrictions on not just his life but for both of us - will it be worth it to stay together?
Things are OK when I don't think about it, but I have so much anger inside me still, it pops out when I least expect it, like when we are having a disagreement over something trivial. Sometimes I wonder if I am provoking him, by being angry, disagreeable and unreasonable, into leaving me.
I have been used to having him as a confidante when I have had difficulties in my life, but I feel I can't lean on him now when I really need support - because he is the cause of the problem! I ha e not told my family yet, and only a couple of close friend and a counsellor. My adult children are supportive but I don't think it's fair or appropriate to lean on them.
Just after it happened, I had the terrible thought that if he'd died, things would have been easier - at least then I would have got support. I guess in some ways there has been a death - of the relationship and the life I used to have. I don't know _how_ I'm going to get through this, but I hold on to my certainty that I _will_.
It's crap, but I have to get to accepting that this is my life now, and I just have to find a way through, somehow.
I'm exactly two years into this journey my son serving a long custodial. Even now this journey is very much 'up and down'. One day I feel upbeat the next day clouds gather leaving me feeling gutted.....
whatever stage any of us are at / we know how you feel my lovely xxxx
whatever stage any of us are at / we know how you feel my lovely xxxx
Update.
He went to SAA on Monday, and hasn't used porn since. He said he feels a little bit of relief that he's not alone in feeling how he does. It seems ridiculous that that's an achievement but it is what it is, at this point.
I don't know how I feel to be honest, I have hope, but then I don't know if I'm just being stupid.
We're a couple but we aren't a team anymore.
I'm going to look into therapy, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to get any. We don't have the money for private atm, and they wouldn't help him, so we'll see.
I'm really beginning to hate his family, that's where all this came from. They abused him, some still do.
I'm just gonna look after me and my son, that's all I can promise right now.
He went to SAA on Monday, and hasn't used porn since. He said he feels a little bit of relief that he's not alone in feeling how he does. It seems ridiculous that that's an achievement but it is what it is, at this point.
I don't know how I feel to be honest, I have hope, but then I don't know if I'm just being stupid.
We're a couple but we aren't a team anymore.
I'm going to look into therapy, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to get any. We don't have the money for private atm, and they wouldn't help him, so we'll see.
I'm really beginning to hate his family, that's where all this came from. They abused him, some still do.
I'm just gonna look after me and my son, that's all I can promise right now.
Hi lonely mum,
When reading this I felt like it was my own situation.
Some days I can see a way through it, others I just feel so alone, angry and let down as I, like you, are doing everything now as he can visit (supervised) but no over night stays. All the while trying to pretend everything is hunky dory.
I do love him and I know I'll be sad if it does end in us seperating but it's just so damn hard.
His family have been no help at all and like your OH have contributed to abuse he has suffered over the years. So I feel under pressure to be the one to help him.
It's still early days, we got the knock 6 weeks ago so a huge waiting game which in itself is depressing.
When reading this I felt like it was my own situation.
Some days I can see a way through it, others I just feel so alone, angry and let down as I, like you, are doing everything now as he can visit (supervised) but no over night stays. All the while trying to pretend everything is hunky dory.
I do love him and I know I'll be sad if it does end in us seperating but it's just so damn hard.
His family have been no help at all and like your OH have contributed to abuse he has suffered over the years. So I feel under pressure to be the one to help him.
It's still early days, we got the knock 6 weeks ago so a huge waiting game which in itself is depressing.