Has anyone decided not to tell children?
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Hi, we are post sentancing, suspended, closed to SS, no contact restrictions. Have not told primary school aged children what their Dad did. We are working things out and keeping things normal for them.
I keep thinking we should tell the children. Part of me thinks not. I wouldn't want them getting to mid-late teens before disclosing in case they hate us for not disclosing.
im so torn. Morally. Feel guilty but want to protect. One of their friends parents know and are fine with it. Problems will be if they ask for other friends to come over. OH could stay away, but if others do find out there could be problems even if we know he wasn't there at the time so I know it's best not to have anyone round anytime.
I don't know what to do for the best x
I keep thinking we should tell the children. Part of me thinks not. I wouldn't want them getting to mid-late teens before disclosing in case they hate us for not disclosing.
im so torn. Morally. Feel guilty but want to protect. One of their friends parents know and are fine with it. Problems will be if they ask for other friends to come over. OH could stay away, but if others do find out there could be problems even if we know he wasn't there at the time so I know it's best not to have anyone round anytime.
I don't know what to do for the best x
Hi Jayjay
We haven't told our youngest ( she is 8 ) she keeps asking but I've told her I will tell her when she is older, maybe 11, this is because I fear she would go in school and tell the kids and then all hell breaks lose. She has been very shielded by all if this, as she didn't see the comments online and if the parents no at school they have never said xx I would leave it till they r a bit older love but it's up to u
We haven't told our youngest ( she is 8 ) she keeps asking but I've told her I will tell her when she is older, maybe 11, this is because I fear she would go in school and tell the kids and then all hell breaks lose. She has been very shielded by all if this, as she didn't see the comments online and if the parents no at school they have never said xx I would leave it till they r a bit older love but it's up to u
I'm nowere near the end of my journey . But I don't plan in ever telling them if I can help it . Eveen when there older . I don't know why but I just feel when she's older it will be in the past he will be off the restiger and she won't need to know but I could be being neive xx
I'm only 6 weeks in. We haven't told our kids. The younger 2 are only 7&8 and the oldest is 17. The youngest 2 think that daddy is living away from home because we're having marriage problems and the sw is coming to help us become a happy family again.
When my OH was arrested I discovered that he also has a massive addiction to cocaine, our eldest is aware of this and thinks that is the cause of all of the changes.
I have no intention of them ever finding out. 2 of our children are neurodiverse so that adds a complication.
When my OH was arrested I discovered that he also has a massive addiction to cocaine, our eldest is aware of this and thinks that is the cause of all of the changes.
I have no intention of them ever finding out. 2 of our children are neurodiverse so that adds a complication.
My son is particularly mature and would kinda understand but he is also a worrier, I'd also be worried incase someone in the future told them (some friends and family know) and would be upset that we didn't tell them. It's just so hard to know what to do for the best. I kinda think I'm coming out the other side and if we can live a fairly quiet and new normal life we don't have to tell them, but morally, I'm not sure :(
I don't know when is the right age to tell them. I didn't have to make that decision because I had to supervise contact and as teenagers I couldn't have explained that away.
My opinion and I'm not judging anyone who thinks otherwise is that unless there is a very good reason otherwise it isn't fair to never tell them. What about when they have children and social services may get involved (even if off register). What about when they are older and you have to explain if you are still supervising contact or have to explain why he can't go to theme park etc. They'll know something isn't right and might begin to distrust. What if they find out in some other way, surely they will resent not being told and never trust either of you again and wonder what else you are keeping from them.
There are all ready enough lies and secrets surrounding this and we are living proof of the damage that causes.
I don't envy anyone having to decide if and when to tell. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. X
My opinion and I'm not judging anyone who thinks otherwise is that unless there is a very good reason otherwise it isn't fair to never tell them. What about when they have children and social services may get involved (even if off register). What about when they are older and you have to explain if you are still supervising contact or have to explain why he can't go to theme park etc. They'll know something isn't right and might begin to distrust. What if they find out in some other way, surely they will resent not being told and never trust either of you again and wonder what else you are keeping from them.
There are all ready enough lies and secrets surrounding this and we are living proof of the damage that causes.
I don't envy anyone having to decide if and when to tell. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. X
It's such a personal choice and many factors to consider
For me children think we have split and that's all but no charges yet so in waiting game. I decided I can only cross the decision bridge if/when charges come or it's in media. At that point I'd consider explaining but only in age appropriate way. I believe the helpline can offer advice on this or signpost to info which can help to give guidance re age appropriate info.
it's a fine line between honesty and what you disclose to them. I've wanted to be as honest with them as I can as there has already been so many lies as a result of addiction.
As I said very much a personal choice which only you can decide.
For me children think we have split and that's all but no charges yet so in waiting game. I decided I can only cross the decision bridge if/when charges come or it's in media. At that point I'd consider explaining but only in age appropriate way. I believe the helpline can offer advice on this or signpost to info which can help to give guidance re age appropriate info.
it's a fine line between honesty and what you disclose to them. I've wanted to be as honest with them as I can as there has already been so many lies as a result of addiction.
As I said very much a personal choice which only you can decide.
I understand beccy, we have gone to tell them so many times and it's never been 'the right time'. It's just so so hard x
Hi all,,,,
I wasn't giving that option the social workers told me I had to tell my children or they would so thought it was best coming from me and it wasn't easy but at least i was there to comfort and answer any questions they had it's such a hard decision to make well all just want what's best for our children as us as parents know if and when that time is...
hugs it's such a hard dessicon,,,,
I wasn't giving that option the social workers told me I had to tell my children or they would so thought it was best coming from me and it wasn't easy but at least i was there to comfort and answer any questions they had it's such a hard decision to make well all just want what's best for our children as us as parents know if and when that time is...
hugs it's such a hard dessicon,,,,