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Hello. First I have to tell you that the website and more specifically this forum have been a lifesaver for me. Thank you to everyone for your willingness to be so honest and transparent.
My circumstances are a little different than most. It was my (long distance) boyfriend who was arrested last month, and is now on remand and it doesn't look good. He is of course not accepting responsibility and continues to minimize his actions. "It was only online!", as if somehow that makes what he has done acceptable! I, like I keep hearing everyone say, was in utter shock! I have always had immense trust in him. He has always been very supportive and was my best friend. It's been devastating to learn that there is this side to him that I didn't know about. I need to add that I have never lived with him, and we have have actually been trying to maintain a long distance relationship for several years.
For me, it's been an easy decision to end our relationship. I can't live with or accept the things he has done. Our relationship was already getting to the point where the cons of our situation outweighed the pros, and in a strange way I feel like these horrible circumstances have set me free.
On the other hand, I am terrified. How will I EVER trust anyone again (should I ever be ready to date again)?! How will I not suspect that every man is lying to me, or hiding something? I hate that what he has done has changed me in such a short amount of time. I don't think I'll ever be the same!
My circumstances are a little different than most. It was my (long distance) boyfriend who was arrested last month, and is now on remand and it doesn't look good. He is of course not accepting responsibility and continues to minimize his actions. "It was only online!", as if somehow that makes what he has done acceptable! I, like I keep hearing everyone say, was in utter shock! I have always had immense trust in him. He has always been very supportive and was my best friend. It's been devastating to learn that there is this side to him that I didn't know about. I need to add that I have never lived with him, and we have have actually been trying to maintain a long distance relationship for several years.
For me, it's been an easy decision to end our relationship. I can't live with or accept the things he has done. Our relationship was already getting to the point where the cons of our situation outweighed the pros, and in a strange way I feel like these horrible circumstances have set me free.
On the other hand, I am terrified. How will I EVER trust anyone again (should I ever be ready to date again)?! How will I not suspect that every man is lying to me, or hiding something? I hate that what he has done has changed me in such a short amount of time. I don't think I'll ever be the same!
Melamia
If I had been at the same stage and situation in my relationship as you were , I would also have found it a fairly easy decision to walk away from the relationship. If there are children involved, and maybe decades invested in a (previously happy) relationship, it's a much more complicated decision.
However, stay or leave, there are trust issues to be resolved. I guess none of us ever really know what's going on in someone else's head, and for many of us, it has been horrifying to find out. At the moment I'm still with my partner, but everything feels awkward, and definitely not like it was before the knock. Counselling helps, but doesn't necessarily fix the problem, just helps you deal with uncertainty. I hope you find a way to feel more comfortable and move on with your life.
If I had been at the same stage and situation in my relationship as you were , I would also have found it a fairly easy decision to walk away from the relationship. If there are children involved, and maybe decades invested in a (previously happy) relationship, it's a much more complicated decision.
However, stay or leave, there are trust issues to be resolved. I guess none of us ever really know what's going on in someone else's head, and for many of us, it has been horrifying to find out. At the moment I'm still with my partner, but everything feels awkward, and definitely not like it was before the knock. Counselling helps, but doesn't necessarily fix the problem, just helps you deal with uncertainty. I hope you find a way to feel more comfortable and move on with your life.
My situation is similar in that we had a long distance relationship, but were just in the cusp of moving in and were a matter of weeks away from starting IVF treatment, we'd planned a future. Apart from he knew this was hanging over him (the knock happened when we were friends and not a couple) but didn't tell me. I found out 8 months ago. He's been in prison now for 4 months. There was a huge amount to process, in fact I don't think I even touched the tip of if and it feels like it's just starting. I had a period of calm but I'm back to not being able to sleep, when I close my eyes or stop I think about what he did, not only the potential impact he could have had on a child but how he lied to me. And if I'm not thinking about that, I'm thinking about him locked up 23 hours a day and what he's thrown away. And if it's not either of those I'm questioning why the hell I'm staying. Although, relative to other people who've been married for a long while and who have children, my situation is straight forward, this has changed my life - It's extremely unlikely because of my age and egg count that I'll be able to have children and I feel very isolated in that no one (expect parents and one friend) know what has happened, what I'm processing and I've found myself withdrawing from friends, I'm very far from my normal self.
Hi
I left at the knock (well he did as was on remand and it's my house so he couldn't have returned here). We remain separated at the moment, 2 years on. We are looking at potentially rebuilding our relationship in the future. I was pregnant at the time of the knock and have a toddler now so not really much/any time to build relationships of any kind. In a way I'm grateful for some of the decisions and pressures being removed from me by having a small child to care for. I suppose what I'm wanting to say to you is you can take some time to process what you've been through and seek some help for how you'll be able to trust any partners in the future. You don't need to have all the answers for your future right now, they will come. Whatever decision you make about staying or leaving, both hurt and both require you to seek help and deal with how this has left you feeling. Sending love xx
I left at the knock (well he did as was on remand and it's my house so he couldn't have returned here). We remain separated at the moment, 2 years on. We are looking at potentially rebuilding our relationship in the future. I was pregnant at the time of the knock and have a toddler now so not really much/any time to build relationships of any kind. In a way I'm grateful for some of the decisions and pressures being removed from me by having a small child to care for. I suppose what I'm wanting to say to you is you can take some time to process what you've been through and seek some help for how you'll be able to trust any partners in the future. You don't need to have all the answers for your future right now, they will come. Whatever decision you make about staying or leaving, both hurt and both require you to seek help and deal with how this has left you feeling. Sending love xx
Hi
I'm also very different from you. We are married, been together 12 years and have 3 children (our eldest is not biologically his). My initial reaction was that I did not want to make the rash decision to leave. Although his bail conditions meant he couldn't stay at home we faked it for the kids with him only leaving to sleep elsewhere. This changed when Childrens Services stepped in and "recommend" only contact with the children in the community. Its actually been a relief to have break from him to get my head straight, the kids are happier because the tension has been removed from the house and we are both able to work in ourselves individually. Our communication has improved as a result of being apart.
All of that said, I envy the simplicity of your situation in comparison. You only have to make a decision for yourself. You must do what is right for you.
What I do know is that if I choose to leave, I will never trust another man with the privilege of being in my children's lives the way I did with my husband and my eldest. While he has not offended against my children, the fact that he has brought Childrens Services into their lives is what I will never forgive him for.
I'm also very different from you. We are married, been together 12 years and have 3 children (our eldest is not biologically his). My initial reaction was that I did not want to make the rash decision to leave. Although his bail conditions meant he couldn't stay at home we faked it for the kids with him only leaving to sleep elsewhere. This changed when Childrens Services stepped in and "recommend" only contact with the children in the community. Its actually been a relief to have break from him to get my head straight, the kids are happier because the tension has been removed from the house and we are both able to work in ourselves individually. Our communication has improved as a result of being apart.
All of that said, I envy the simplicity of your situation in comparison. You only have to make a decision for yourself. You must do what is right for you.
What I do know is that if I choose to leave, I will never trust another man with the privilege of being in my children's lives the way I did with my husband and my eldest. While he has not offended against my children, the fact that he has brought Childrens Services into their lives is what I will never forgive him for.
Hi Melamia
I am in a similar situation to you, I knew my ex for 32 years but decided to divorce due to trust issues as well as the offence. We are going through the divorce at the moment which is on hold due to him being in prison. I don't know what the future holds and like you not sure whether I can trust again or whether to have another Relationship. I am taking each day at a time, I will also have to sell the house and buy another which I have never done on my own. All I don know is that I couldn't stay with him,I wouldn't be able to trust him again. it,s probably best not to think to far ahead just take a day at a time and she how you feel when the dust has settled.
Bereft
x
I am in a similar situation to you, I knew my ex for 32 years but decided to divorce due to trust issues as well as the offence. We are going through the divorce at the moment which is on hold due to him being in prison. I don't know what the future holds and like you not sure whether I can trust again or whether to have another Relationship. I am taking each day at a time, I will also have to sell the house and buy another which I have never done on my own. All I don know is that I couldn't stay with him,I wouldn't be able to trust him again. it,s probably best not to think to far ahead just take a day at a time and she how you feel when the dust has settled.
Bereft
x
We got the knock at 5:30.
I had his stuff in a car and dropped the keys at station at 11 am
together 25 years and we haven't spoken since (2 kids) and he got a custodial sentence. I heard the details at sentencing.
I have now received 10 legal letters from him multiple reasons...). The hatred from him to me is overwhelming. I have changed jobs and moved countries, lost the family home. At no stage has he said sorry, and the children may have been directly involved...
he had full DBS and was a safeguarding lead
I absolutely understand the lack of trust in anyone. Even play dates, anything really.
but... I really want to believe that I just choose wrong. That I will meet someone for me, and who will give the children experience of a good adult man. A good role model for them. They lost their dad that day as due to the situation they will have very few face to face meetings in contact centres. My family will never be supervisors and due to his family's actions, neither will they. Travel will be hard for him, one of the reasons I moved. So, they lost their dad. But I am really fighting that this will not define my future, nor my childrens.
perhaps in a couple of years we can look back at this post and think how far we have come, and in a healthy and positive relationship. Fingers and toes crossed xx
I had his stuff in a car and dropped the keys at station at 11 am
together 25 years and we haven't spoken since (2 kids) and he got a custodial sentence. I heard the details at sentencing.
I have now received 10 legal letters from him multiple reasons...). The hatred from him to me is overwhelming. I have changed jobs and moved countries, lost the family home. At no stage has he said sorry, and the children may have been directly involved...
he had full DBS and was a safeguarding lead
I absolutely understand the lack of trust in anyone. Even play dates, anything really.
but... I really want to believe that I just choose wrong. That I will meet someone for me, and who will give the children experience of a good adult man. A good role model for them. They lost their dad that day as due to the situation they will have very few face to face meetings in contact centres. My family will never be supervisors and due to his family's actions, neither will they. Travel will be hard for him, one of the reasons I moved. So, they lost their dad. But I am really fighting that this will not define my future, nor my childrens.
perhaps in a couple of years we can look back at this post and think how far we have come, and in a healthy and positive relationship. Fingers and toes crossed xx