Family and Friends Forum

Hi,

I wanted to let you know that you making decisions about how you want your life to be is not an over the top reaction to his crime. I do think it's important to acknowledge how your oh being on the sor and dealing with visor and probation would impact you and your life.
What type of things did/do you enjoy doing together that would be impacted if he was found guilty? Are there things that you can do alone and still enjoy the experience and similarly are there alternatives that you could do together?

I ended our relationship at the knock as I have had strong feelings on these offences for as long as I can remember due to abusive situations of some family members. I don't necessarily regret my decision because I believe I made the correct decision at the time for me and my children. I do miss him and we are looking at slowly rebuilding our relationship. He got 3 years probation and 5 years sor so essentially by slowly rebuilding it means that I am able to live my life without the same restrictions as him although I will say that the restrictions on the sor aren't life limiting for him. His shpo is all internet based and the only contact he had with children prior to this was my children and children in my family. My older children who are now adult and older teen don't have contact with him and my family are no contact at the moment and they all know anyway. We don't have any mutual friends with children and all of his friends know.
I have had days, weeks and months where it feels like living a normal life will be impossible but right now I'm hopeful for the future and comforted by the knowledge that I have the strength to live life on my terms xx

Hey Bitterbean,

Are cases when found not guilty posted in the media? I think I went looking for this a while ago and couldn't find any. Surely it doesn't make sense to publish not guilty in these kinds of offences because of the stigma and backlash, the media like to sensationalise so it's not in their interest to do it as it would create a narrative that those accused of these crimes aren't always guilty. I might be wrong but just trying to add some positivity. I feel the same as you, I'll be honest, if it goes guilty then I am not sure I will stay, as awful as it sounds. I've been through enough the last (almost) 18 months and whether it's a miscarriage of justice or whatever, I'm not sure I can live my life with the stigma, the authorities and eventually social services if we had children breathing down my neck. I'm seeing this as fate, I may change my mind. I'm living each day as it comes right now. Sending love xx

That's possible tbh! I have been meaning to ask for a freedom of information request to get the statistics around crimes like these - how many arrested result in charges, how many plead guilty/not guilty and subsequently how many of the not guilty are found guilty. The general statistics around crime in general is 80% plead guilty and sexual offences result in not guilty pleas more than any other crime. I think it would be good for us to know that, perhaps comforting but interesting above all else! I'm not sure whether the data would be released and I need to consider other variables before I ask but it is on my to do list - unsure if this information is already out there but I can't find it.

I really do sympathise and I totally get you, it's very hard to get your head around. I think laws around this kind of stuff is a bit too open and shut and the idea that a bunch of strangers get to decide fate seems unfair when this crime carries the stigma that it does. I live in hope prosecutors may change their mind about taking it to court but probably delusionally! It's hard not to let this consume you and especially not when you have children, it's hell really xx

I think your situation is slightly different from others, as you don't believe he is guilty yet could be found to be guilty and you'd both have to live with repricussion.

I guess in some ways it's similar to how a illness, mental breakdown, job loss could significantly impact him and your life together, through potentially no fault or doing of his own. This situation has far wider implication but the principle is similar, it might be worth exploring how you you'd feel if the situation was similar to the above scenarios.

It must be very hard believing he's innocent. Whilst I don't believe my person was innocent, I also don't believe he was guilty of the charge he was given. I go round in circles in my head thinking about what the truth is, what the right justice would be.

I went through a similar dilemma, I didn't think my partner was purposely looking for the images, and as he deleted them straight away, I didn't think it was proportional to charge him. The "evidence" was fairly vague, and there are other concerns about the process that made me believe him. Anyway, he did plead guilty (last minute in a panic), and one major reason, was because he thought that would reduce the chance of it being reported in the media. In hindsight that was the wrong decision, and the gamble didn't pay off. It was reported in the media, and that was the worst aspect.

One thing I would note is that appealing a guilty verdict it very difficult, there are more avenues if a person pled Not Guilty. Secondly, people take a guilty plea at face value. Which is understandable, many do not think that an innocent person would plead guilty. But sentence reduction, and the belief media attention can be avoided are likely motivators.

If he was found not guilty, and there was media reporting. Right to be Forgotten is more of an option to at least delist the search results in his name.

You have to of course do what you think is best for yourself. I remember saying to my partner that I wouldn't leave him over this, but I wasn't going to stay with him because of it either. It was difficult as he essentially because financially dependent on me. If there had been no media coverage, it would have meant he would have easily been independent. But sadly the media article and the Judges ridiculous prison sentence meant I suddenly had to support him. I decided that are lives were to intertwined, and that no matter what I would be negatively affected. And I wouldn’t want anyone to leave me, just because of an overzealous prosecution. But also, you to need to decide if you would be happier in or out of the relationship. If I had left, I would have still supported him to some extent.

Sadly judges and the media all too easily talk about a defendants impact, but they have so much arrogance that they do not look at the impact of their own actions. They makes choices on to name people, and they make choices about the sentence they give. They know fine well the damage that causes to the families, but just blame the defendant instead of themselves. It's a shame the UK has such a terrible criminal justice system and a sensationalist media, many other countries in Europe do not report names in such cases, believing that it is better for society not to do so.

It seems like there is still a lot of processing as to your reasons for wanting to leave.

Complicated by lots of unknowns and when your lives are so intertwined. How would you feel if he wasn't found guilty and there was no press coverage? Do you think you'd still want to move forward in the relationship?

I often think that with these crimes and situations it really is just living phase to phase, non of us ever imagined we'd be in this situation, it's not something we planned or even hypothetical situation we'd posed to ourselves. Whilst at the moment I'm with my person, I don't think I'll ever really truly be able to commit long term until I know what living with his restrictions and intrusions into our lives is like and whether or not I can live with always looking over my shoulder. I think, unless you have very clearly and strongly made the decision you are staying or leaving, the view is so clouded by so much unknown its hard to make decisions.

I liked the way Zack looked at it. Not leaving him because of it and not stayed because of it either.

These crimes are so complex but viewed so black and white. My person's charge was attempting to arrange sexual activity. I've seen it referrer to as a communication offence on here, which I sort of understand - He was " just" talking after all. But the law see it that he was actually attempting to make the activity happen. Its like there is no concept that what people say online is different to what they'd actually act on. But if you are to look at it black and white how could the authorities ever really know if what someone is saying online is just talk or if they'd act on it. It sends my mind in naughts thinking about it. He is guilty of something. He is not guilt of what he plead guilty to, he can't take that back and he'll have to live with that forever, I really felt I saw a piece of him die when he decided to do it.

Sorry, I went off on a ramble. The other way to perhaps look at it, is try imagining and picturing a life without him, see how that makes you feel....

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