5 Weeks In & Struggling
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Sorry in advance if this is too long.
We got a 6am knock just over 5 weeks ago. Massive shock and totally devastating. It was regarding downloading images etc. (cat A & C I think)
My OH is severely disabled and requires full-time care so our life was pretty much pants before all this. I am his full-time carer and already on anxiety meds. They took his devises but could not arrest him as he is housebound. They came back for his interview at home a week later.
After the knock we spent the next couple of days going over what he had done, he was very honest. I was angry and shocked but with the support of the helpline I sort of understood how it had spiralled into where we are now. It was just so out of character. He suffers with depression and anxiety because of his condition and his isolation, but his mental health has deteriorated. I have had to take over his medication in fear of him doing something rash. Th GP has upped his Depression meds.
I deal with problems full on and find solutions to overcome difficulties, essential as OH condition is progressive. This has flawed me though; I love him very much and I have been trying to keep him positive and reassuring but I’m struggling. I joined this forum to try and get a hold on things and get an idea of what’s going to happen. We were told by the police that it could take up to a year to get the devices checked, they returned all but 2 at the interview. The leaflet says try and carry on as usual but how? I have not told anyone so its been hard without my usual support but if its within my power I want nobody to know.
I sort of managed better at the start, I helped OH find modules to work through and we concentrated on being more loving to each other not just carer and caree. This was working well but I keep getting angry and anxious about the future. I need to be doing something proactive, but I have no control. I am terrified what is going to happen to OH as he requires 24 care and is mentally and emotionally weak. Its turned me into a liar as I am keeping it from my Mum & Sister. There are no children in the family.
How do I cope?
We got a 6am knock just over 5 weeks ago. Massive shock and totally devastating. It was regarding downloading images etc. (cat A & C I think)
My OH is severely disabled and requires full-time care so our life was pretty much pants before all this. I am his full-time carer and already on anxiety meds. They took his devises but could not arrest him as he is housebound. They came back for his interview at home a week later.
After the knock we spent the next couple of days going over what he had done, he was very honest. I was angry and shocked but with the support of the helpline I sort of understood how it had spiralled into where we are now. It was just so out of character. He suffers with depression and anxiety because of his condition and his isolation, but his mental health has deteriorated. I have had to take over his medication in fear of him doing something rash. Th GP has upped his Depression meds.
I deal with problems full on and find solutions to overcome difficulties, essential as OH condition is progressive. This has flawed me though; I love him very much and I have been trying to keep him positive and reassuring but I’m struggling. I joined this forum to try and get a hold on things and get an idea of what’s going to happen. We were told by the police that it could take up to a year to get the devices checked, they returned all but 2 at the interview. The leaflet says try and carry on as usual but how? I have not told anyone so its been hard without my usual support but if its within my power I want nobody to know.
I sort of managed better at the start, I helped OH find modules to work through and we concentrated on being more loving to each other not just carer and caree. This was working well but I keep getting angry and anxious about the future. I need to be doing something proactive, but I have no control. I am terrified what is going to happen to OH as he requires 24 care and is mentally and emotionally weak. Its turned me into a liar as I am keeping it from my Mum & Sister. There are no children in the family.
How do I cope?
Hi D53
After reading your post I felt the need to reply. I am so sorry you have found yourself here, but you have come to the right place for support from all the members of the forum.
In regard to your wellbeing , have you spoken to the helpline for support for yourself? Over the years they have spoken to many families and they would have come across your situation where you are caring for your Other half and they could be of support to you or signpost you to support elsewhere. Your GP may also be useful for you to contact, so they are aware of what you are currently having to deal/cope with - they maybe able to help you too.
It must be extremely difficult being a full time carer and having to deal with processing what has happened to you over the last 5 weeks. If you can try and find some time for yourself.
I really hope that when the police came to your home to speak to your other half that he had a solicitor present. If not, I would strongly recommend any further interviews/informal chats with the police that he has a solicitor with him.
I hope other members reply to you soon with more helpful information/support.
Thinking of you, take care
After reading your post I felt the need to reply. I am so sorry you have found yourself here, but you have come to the right place for support from all the members of the forum.
In regard to your wellbeing , have you spoken to the helpline for support for yourself? Over the years they have spoken to many families and they would have come across your situation where you are caring for your Other half and they could be of support to you or signpost you to support elsewhere. Your GP may also be useful for you to contact, so they are aware of what you are currently having to deal/cope with - they maybe able to help you too.
It must be extremely difficult being a full time carer and having to deal with processing what has happened to you over the last 5 weeks. If you can try and find some time for yourself.
I really hope that when the police came to your home to speak to your other half that he had a solicitor present. If not, I would strongly recommend any further interviews/informal chats with the police that he has a solicitor with him.
I hope other members reply to you soon with more helpful information/support.
Thinking of you, take care
Hi Alison20
Thank you so much for your kind words.
In answer to your question, the day of the knock there wasn't much of a conversation with the Police. OH was not with it as takes alot of medication before bed. The interview was different we were assigned a Duty Solicitor who emailed us the day before and we had a chat on the phone. He then came to our home and we had time to chat before the Officers came in. He also stayed for a while after they left just to go through things.
I did ring the Stop It Now help line 3 times and found them to be very supportive. I calmed down a bit after talking to them. The knock was a Friday and I spent the whole weekend looking up facilities in Prisons for severely disabled and got in a proper state because its not good. He needs so much care I was terrified. We had the whole weekend without any support so it was a relief to talk to someone. They told me to stop focusing on the worst outcome.
I will read through all posts and make some notes so that I have a clearer picture of it all. Some of the posts are upsetting but still helpful. I feel less on my own. I have a Facebook group for carers and that has helped alot.
Thank you again, take care ????
Thank you so much for your kind words.
In answer to your question, the day of the knock there wasn't much of a conversation with the Police. OH was not with it as takes alot of medication before bed. The interview was different we were assigned a Duty Solicitor who emailed us the day before and we had a chat on the phone. He then came to our home and we had time to chat before the Officers came in. He also stayed for a while after they left just to go through things.
I did ring the Stop It Now help line 3 times and found them to be very supportive. I calmed down a bit after talking to them. The knock was a Friday and I spent the whole weekend looking up facilities in Prisons for severely disabled and got in a proper state because its not good. He needs so much care I was terrified. We had the whole weekend without any support so it was a relief to talk to someone. They told me to stop focusing on the worst outcome.
I will read through all posts and make some notes so that I have a clearer picture of it all. Some of the posts are upsetting but still helpful. I feel less on my own. I have a Facebook group for carers and that has helped alot.
Thank you again, take care ????
Hi D53,
I'm terribly sorry about your situation. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you. As above and echoing what professionals have said, I would try not to worry about the worse and think too far ahead. This process can take years - I am over a year in and still no news so it is really important you practice self-care and develop good coping mechanisms in the meantime. Keep calling the helpline and speaking to other carers if it helps to calm you.
I'm not sure if it helps but given that your husband is severely disabled and you are a full-time carer, do you have access to a social worker who could help organise some respite care? Maybe a small break would help you feel less overwhelmed.
Take Care x.
I'm terribly sorry about your situation. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you. As above and echoing what professionals have said, I would try not to worry about the worse and think too far ahead. This process can take years - I am over a year in and still no news so it is really important you practice self-care and develop good coping mechanisms in the meantime. Keep calling the helpline and speaking to other carers if it helps to calm you.
I'm not sure if it helps but given that your husband is severely disabled and you are a full-time carer, do you have access to a social worker who could help organise some respite care? Maybe a small break would help you feel less overwhelmed.
Take Care x.
Hi Again D53
I am pleased to hear that you had a solicitor when your other half was interviewed at home and that you also belong to a carers facebook group and you have been in contact with the helpline on a few ocassions.
It sounds like you are doing well with everything you are coping with so just remember when those overwhelming moments happen try to do something that calms you down like contact the helpline or connect with some fellow carers on your facebook group etc.
As difficult as it is try not to think too far ahead which will cause you unnecessary extra worry, very much easier said than done. I can totally relate to you spending all weekend looking at facilities available in prisons for severely disabled people- when we first got the knock I too worried excessively what the future would be for the young member of our family who was being investigated - he was only 16 years old and on the autistic spectrum. I think our brains are wired to think the worse, so it is important to calm those thoughts down and be kind to ourselves, the best we can.
It maybe at sometime in the future that you may choose to confide in you mum and sister. That is a personal choice but many on here have found it a relief to eventually tell family and have their support. It is a hard decision to make as sometimes that support is not forthcoming which causes more distress. You will know what feels right for you to do in time.
I hope this reply has helped in someway.
Look after yourself, and try to take one day at a time.
I am pleased to hear that you had a solicitor when your other half was interviewed at home and that you also belong to a carers facebook group and you have been in contact with the helpline on a few ocassions.
It sounds like you are doing well with everything you are coping with so just remember when those overwhelming moments happen try to do something that calms you down like contact the helpline or connect with some fellow carers on your facebook group etc.
As difficult as it is try not to think too far ahead which will cause you unnecessary extra worry, very much easier said than done. I can totally relate to you spending all weekend looking at facilities available in prisons for severely disabled people- when we first got the knock I too worried excessively what the future would be for the young member of our family who was being investigated - he was only 16 years old and on the autistic spectrum. I think our brains are wired to think the worse, so it is important to calm those thoughts down and be kind to ourselves, the best we can.
It maybe at sometime in the future that you may choose to confide in you mum and sister. That is a personal choice but many on here have found it a relief to eventually tell family and have their support. It is a hard decision to make as sometimes that support is not forthcoming which causes more distress. You will know what feels right for you to do in time.
I hope this reply has helped in someway.
Look after yourself, and try to take one day at a time.
I am having an issue with anger now. From the start I have been very supportive and I understand how OH mental health and feelings of isolation led to this. I have forgiven him but am still angry and disgusted by what he has done. He is fully remorseful and can't understand why he did what he did. I also know that had it not been for his mental state this would not have happened.
The problem I am having is that when we have the usual niggles that couples have I have feelings of anger towards him. If he snaps at me (gets frustrated with his condition) I feel the anger rising and I want to shout "how dare you, after what you have done to me. You don't know how lucky you are to have me" I then feel guilty about the feelings and get upset.
Guilt is a very common feeling for unpaid carers as it doesn't matter how you feel you just have to get on with caring, you can't just storm off and leave your caree to suffer and you feel guilty about feeling of resentment etc.
The female officers just kept saying to me how strong I was and how they were amazed how well I was managing with this and our life in general. I get it from everyone you are amazing and you are so strong but inside sometimes I want to scream.
I love my OH very much we have been together all my adult life so I feel terrible having these feeling of anger towards him. It's not all the time just if he snaps at me or says something I don't like. We get on so well most of the time, he's my best friend but I am angry that he has bought this to our door.
I just hope the anger does not effect our relationship. I still can't stop thinking about what happened, what will happen next etc. Still not told anyone outside this forum, so thankful I have this.
The problem I am having is that when we have the usual niggles that couples have I have feelings of anger towards him. If he snaps at me (gets frustrated with his condition) I feel the anger rising and I want to shout "how dare you, after what you have done to me. You don't know how lucky you are to have me" I then feel guilty about the feelings and get upset.
Guilt is a very common feeling for unpaid carers as it doesn't matter how you feel you just have to get on with caring, you can't just storm off and leave your caree to suffer and you feel guilty about feeling of resentment etc.
The female officers just kept saying to me how strong I was and how they were amazed how well I was managing with this and our life in general. I get it from everyone you are amazing and you are so strong but inside sometimes I want to scream.
I love my OH very much we have been together all my adult life so I feel terrible having these feeling of anger towards him. It's not all the time just if he snaps at me or says something I don't like. We get on so well most of the time, he's my best friend but I am angry that he has bought this to our door.
I just hope the anger does not effect our relationship. I still can't stop thinking about what happened, what will happen next etc. Still not told anyone outside this forum, so thankful I have this.
I think your anger and resentment are completely normal and to also be flicking between one feeling and another. It must be so much more complicated when you can't just leave and get some head space and because with your caring role you were already experiencing emotions that are new to most of us.
Could you get any restbite caring to give you some space?
My latest emotion and frustration is when I am worrying about things in my life, he says I'm over thinking. All I can think is YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T BLOOD THINK AT ALL! I don't think we'd ever be able to have a conversation as to whether I was worrying or overthinking again because I just wouldn't trust his judgement because he's been soooo stupid in not think, not thinking about the cibcequences for him, for children, for others in his life. Wow. That got me angry.
The understanding why is also a hard one - For both you and he. I believe the courses people mention by LF may cover some of this and any internal justification they may have gone through to have committed the offence in the first place - And why they are not an excusable reason to have done so. I may have been power phrasing and could have got this completely wrong . I think there is an element in many cases of not really believing its real or being detached from it.
You do sound like an incredibly strong lady, but just because you have been and that's the way other view you - It doesn't mean you always have to be
Could you get any restbite caring to give you some space?
My latest emotion and frustration is when I am worrying about things in my life, he says I'm over thinking. All I can think is YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T BLOOD THINK AT ALL! I don't think we'd ever be able to have a conversation as to whether I was worrying or overthinking again because I just wouldn't trust his judgement because he's been soooo stupid in not think, not thinking about the cibcequences for him, for children, for others in his life. Wow. That got me angry.
The understanding why is also a hard one - For both you and he. I believe the courses people mention by LF may cover some of this and any internal justification they may have gone through to have committed the offence in the first place - And why they are not an excusable reason to have done so. I may have been power phrasing and could have got this completely wrong . I think there is an element in many cases of not really believing its real or being detached from it.
You do sound like an incredibly strong lady, but just because you have been and that's the way other view you - It doesn't mean you always have to be
D53
My partner is not disabled and I don't believe he is guilty, but it is his wholly unnecessary online activities that led the police to him and it is for this reason that I feel anger towards him. As you describe most of the time I feel my anger is under control but when he does something irritating often the anger boils out of me. So you are not alone. I wish I could give you some advice in how to deal with it, but so far it's something I'm still working on.
I realise this issue pots a whole new level of stuff on top of the existing pile that you have been dealing with as your husbands carer. Is there a carers network or other local support group that night provide you with access to emergency counselling? I found counselling at least helped me to get to grip with my feelings, although it doesn't make the underlying source of misery go away.
My partner is not disabled and I don't believe he is guilty, but it is his wholly unnecessary online activities that led the police to him and it is for this reason that I feel anger towards him. As you describe most of the time I feel my anger is under control but when he does something irritating often the anger boils out of me. So you are not alone. I wish I could give you some advice in how to deal with it, but so far it's something I'm still working on.
I realise this issue pots a whole new level of stuff on top of the existing pile that you have been dealing with as your husbands carer. Is there a carers network or other local support group that night provide you with access to emergency counselling? I found counselling at least helped me to get to grip with my feelings, although it doesn't make the underlying source of misery go away.
Thank you SAL & Bitterbean.
its all consuming my brain and making me sad. I need to take a break but I need information. I have sat reading the posts on here and it does help. I know that we all are here to support each other and it feels safe.
I belong to an unpaid carers Facebook group and that helps a lot as other carers have the same thoughts as I do and that is reassuring. They also are not judgemental and we all get what's happening to each other.
My OH is not good at seeking help mentally and doesn't search for information, he is the same about his illness. I think he finds my accessing this forum a bit stressful, he finds it all really upsetting to talk about but he has me to chat to. I can't talk to him the same as he gets upset which just makes it more stressful.
Adult SS have been in contact but the level of care they offer doesn't really match with our situation at the moment. Family are great but due to the equipment etc we need it's hard for me to leave him them our parents are all in mid 70's and would find it difficult. I cope with that but like you say this is a whole lot harder to deal with.
I have to say in my limited experience with men that we are definitely the stronger sex mentally, there are tough conversations ahead and they will be difficult but we need to prepare and he needs to get help to understand what's happened.
Thank you all for your support.
its all consuming my brain and making me sad. I need to take a break but I need information. I have sat reading the posts on here and it does help. I know that we all are here to support each other and it feels safe.
I belong to an unpaid carers Facebook group and that helps a lot as other carers have the same thoughts as I do and that is reassuring. They also are not judgemental and we all get what's happening to each other.
My OH is not good at seeking help mentally and doesn't search for information, he is the same about his illness. I think he finds my accessing this forum a bit stressful, he finds it all really upsetting to talk about but he has me to chat to. I can't talk to him the same as he gets upset which just makes it more stressful.
Adult SS have been in contact but the level of care they offer doesn't really match with our situation at the moment. Family are great but due to the equipment etc we need it's hard for me to leave him them our parents are all in mid 70's and would find it difficult. I cope with that but like you say this is a whole lot harder to deal with.
I have to say in my limited experience with men that we are definitely the stronger sex mentally, there are tough conversations ahead and they will be difficult but we need to prepare and he needs to get help to understand what's happened.
Thank you all for your support.