Forgiveness
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Hiya
Does anyone have any advice on family members who cannot forgive. My partner does not want anything to do with my brother and no longer wants to be associated with him which makes it difficult for me who has chosen to support my brother with his ongoing rehabilitation.
Like many, I do not condone what he has done but I am willing to accept that he made a terrible mistake (The knock was in June 2020) which he now has to live with but I see no point in isolating him further and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that he will not re-offend.
I know the facts, but my partner has only read what was written in the paper, I have told him not to believe everything that was written and asked him to listen to the facts but he refuses to talk about it. He just thinks I am trying to stick up for him. He sees it as black & white that anyone that offends must have been looking for it in the first place.
I feel so sad today, I am dreading Christmas, my brother has no one other than me, Mum & Dad and I hate for him to be isolated.
I know I can't change someones views/opinions I just wish he would listen to me so I can explain
Just wanted to get it off my chest as I have been in tears all morning.
Xx
Does anyone have any advice on family members who cannot forgive. My partner does not want anything to do with my brother and no longer wants to be associated with him which makes it difficult for me who has chosen to support my brother with his ongoing rehabilitation.
Like many, I do not condone what he has done but I am willing to accept that he made a terrible mistake (The knock was in June 2020) which he now has to live with but I see no point in isolating him further and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that he will not re-offend.
I know the facts, but my partner has only read what was written in the paper, I have told him not to believe everything that was written and asked him to listen to the facts but he refuses to talk about it. He just thinks I am trying to stick up for him. He sees it as black & white that anyone that offends must have been looking for it in the first place.
I feel so sad today, I am dreading Christmas, my brother has no one other than me, Mum & Dad and I hate for him to be isolated.
I know I can't change someones views/opinions I just wish he would listen to me so I can explain
Just wanted to get it off my chest as I have been in tears all morning.
Xx
Hello Sadsister,
I really do feel your pain and upset. I too have a situation whereby my brother and his family have cut off my husband completely. In fact none of them acknowledge me anymore because I support my husband. They didn't tell me of a new addition to their family and when I sent birthday wishes to my nephew they were completely ignored. I have always been so close to my brother and I am heartbroken at this exclusion. I think it must be harder in your circumstances as you are living with the person who doesn't want to know and understand. I had told my brother about the knock but it was following the newspaper articles that the decision to ostracise us both was made. I have been advised I have to learn to accept his opinion as I have no control on his thoughts and to concentrate on what I can control. I feel I am a bit useless in offering any advice as I am struggling with what to do myself and wish I had the answers. All I can say is you are not alone, I am sure there are many on here who have divided family loyalties. I have been advised I need to "let go" but letting go of one of the 2 most important people in my life really isn't easy. I have tried to compromise but my brother is very stubborn and is refusing to listen to reason. I would continue to support your brother as he needs all the help and support on offer, with that help he can turn his life around. There is no rule to say your partner has to agree to liking anyone in your family but he should at least respect that no matter what, you have family ties and loyalties that you are not prepared to break no matter what. Anyone who loves you would accept that. I hope one day when there is more awareness of these offences people will have a better understanding and offer support to those that need it most. Stay strong and committed to what you feel is the right thing to do. Xxx
I really do feel your pain and upset. I too have a situation whereby my brother and his family have cut off my husband completely. In fact none of them acknowledge me anymore because I support my husband. They didn't tell me of a new addition to their family and when I sent birthday wishes to my nephew they were completely ignored. I have always been so close to my brother and I am heartbroken at this exclusion. I think it must be harder in your circumstances as you are living with the person who doesn't want to know and understand. I had told my brother about the knock but it was following the newspaper articles that the decision to ostracise us both was made. I have been advised I have to learn to accept his opinion as I have no control on his thoughts and to concentrate on what I can control. I feel I am a bit useless in offering any advice as I am struggling with what to do myself and wish I had the answers. All I can say is you are not alone, I am sure there are many on here who have divided family loyalties. I have been advised I need to "let go" but letting go of one of the 2 most important people in my life really isn't easy. I have tried to compromise but my brother is very stubborn and is refusing to listen to reason. I would continue to support your brother as he needs all the help and support on offer, with that help he can turn his life around. There is no rule to say your partner has to agree to liking anyone in your family but he should at least respect that no matter what, you have family ties and loyalties that you are not prepared to break no matter what. Anyone who loves you would accept that. I hope one day when there is more awareness of these offences people will have a better understanding and offer support to those that need it most. Stay strong and committed to what you feel is the right thing to do. Xxx
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Thanks Katie & Smile for your response.
Feels better when your know your not alone with your feelings, even if you guys are strangers, crazy isnt it.
Today, I was hoping I would feel less sad, I was crying on and off for most of yesterday lol.
Today, I feel angry with my partner which I know is the wrong person to be angry with, as like me, he has done nothing wrong. I have processed my feelings and reach the point where I have chosen to support my brother and hope we can one day be a family again, I was upset yesterday as my Partner is the one standing in our way of being a family... his response is that this all your brothers thought.... which I know is right but he cannot go back and change what's happened but we can all choose to move past this with time.
I really he will come round, but at the moment he is not budging, its a principle thing with him.
Im sitting here drinking my coffee, I hope my mood changes soon x
Have a lovely BH all x
Feels better when your know your not alone with your feelings, even if you guys are strangers, crazy isnt it.
Today, I was hoping I would feel less sad, I was crying on and off for most of yesterday lol.
Today, I feel angry with my partner which I know is the wrong person to be angry with, as like me, he has done nothing wrong. I have processed my feelings and reach the point where I have chosen to support my brother and hope we can one day be a family again, I was upset yesterday as my Partner is the one standing in our way of being a family... his response is that this all your brothers thought.... which I know is right but he cannot go back and change what's happened but we can all choose to move past this with time.
I really he will come round, but at the moment he is not budging, its a principle thing with him.
Im sitting here drinking my coffee, I hope my mood changes soon x
Have a lovely BH all x
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Hi,
I can understand your feelings completely. My older children choose to have nothing to do with my partner at the moment. In other peoples eyes they are stopping us from being a family. In my eyes they are processing trauma and everyone does this differently. I feel sad at times that they have seemingly forgotten how much he improved our lives and was nothing but kind to them. They struggle to see anything but his crime now. I've made peace with this and have such a good relationship with them that I know will continue whatever their views on decisions I make about my relationship moving forward. Give your partner time to process and reach whatever decisions he is comfortable with regarding his relationship with your brother. Sending love xx
I can understand your feelings completely. My older children choose to have nothing to do with my partner at the moment. In other peoples eyes they are stopping us from being a family. In my eyes they are processing trauma and everyone does this differently. I feel sad at times that they have seemingly forgotten how much he improved our lives and was nothing but kind to them. They struggle to see anything but his crime now. I've made peace with this and have such a good relationship with them that I know will continue whatever their views on decisions I make about my relationship moving forward. Give your partner time to process and reach whatever decisions he is comfortable with regarding his relationship with your brother. Sending love xx
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