To Trust or Not to Trust
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I have been following this forum for some time and it has been a great help during my journey since the knock.
The knock came 4 years ago. My husband of 20 years, a wonderful, caring, generous man was arrested at home, devices taken, released on bail for viewing IIOC. Husband denied it but agreed that he had a porn addiction. Said he may have viewed teenagers but none that he thought were under 18 (although he was often drinking/smoking drugs and couldn't really be sure). As I had a teenage daughter aged 18, I was terrifed and immediately requested he moved out. The plan was to tell noone at all until police investigation was completed.
But, I was traumatised and as I suffered from serious existing health issues, I got ill very quickly with the trauma caused. I was hospitalised and have to have life saving surgery and spent 6 months in hospital. I did this whilst keeping the whole thing a secret and keeping him at a distance. I have spent the last 3 years trying to recover physically. I haven't even started on the mental and emotional recovery.
2 years after the knock, my husband got a "No further action" result. He was elated and of course so was I - more for him and for our families (who had no idea what was going on) but not for me. Because for me the damage had already been caused and I will never get over the trauma.
He insists he did nothing wrong but just couldn't be sure what he had clicked on. But I keep thinking what if it were to happen again when he was drinking? I honestly don't think I could go through the trauma again. He has had counselling for childhood abuse he suffered and has been trying to convince me to give the marriage another go. I still love him and miss him but the resentment is so strong. I lost everything, including my home. He wants to just try and make it work. I have considered it many times.
But then just recently my daughter told me that whilst I was in hospital, she stayed the weekend at home during Covid. They have always got on well and he has been very good to her. He considers himself more as a friend to her. She said he gave her drugs to try and made a slightly lewd comment to her as well. I challanged him furiously and he said the drugs were a mistake but he made no comment to her. She said he did but that she shrugged it off as him being high.
This blindsided me. I am totally disgusted. Whilst she was 21 years old, it just seems totally inapproiate on both counts. And of course for me, being the only person that knows what has really happened over the last 4 years, I am back to square one. My mind is racing - is this a pattern of behaviour from him? Does he think about young girls all the time? Will I be looking over my shoulder forever if I go back to him?
I am just totally lost and not thinking rationally. I have noone to talk to about this. Whilst he got a no furtehr action result, I still keep thinking that maybe that is because he was just lucky. A case of no smoke without fire maybe? I got very little information on what if anything they found on the devices and I don't think he ever got them back.
Anyway, I am rambling now. But just wondered if anyone else has had the same doubts and worries following no charges. Any advice or opinions also welcome.
Hugs to all of you XX
The knock came 4 years ago. My husband of 20 years, a wonderful, caring, generous man was arrested at home, devices taken, released on bail for viewing IIOC. Husband denied it but agreed that he had a porn addiction. Said he may have viewed teenagers but none that he thought were under 18 (although he was often drinking/smoking drugs and couldn't really be sure). As I had a teenage daughter aged 18, I was terrifed and immediately requested he moved out. The plan was to tell noone at all until police investigation was completed.
But, I was traumatised and as I suffered from serious existing health issues, I got ill very quickly with the trauma caused. I was hospitalised and have to have life saving surgery and spent 6 months in hospital. I did this whilst keeping the whole thing a secret and keeping him at a distance. I have spent the last 3 years trying to recover physically. I haven't even started on the mental and emotional recovery.
2 years after the knock, my husband got a "No further action" result. He was elated and of course so was I - more for him and for our families (who had no idea what was going on) but not for me. Because for me the damage had already been caused and I will never get over the trauma.
He insists he did nothing wrong but just couldn't be sure what he had clicked on. But I keep thinking what if it were to happen again when he was drinking? I honestly don't think I could go through the trauma again. He has had counselling for childhood abuse he suffered and has been trying to convince me to give the marriage another go. I still love him and miss him but the resentment is so strong. I lost everything, including my home. He wants to just try and make it work. I have considered it many times.
But then just recently my daughter told me that whilst I was in hospital, she stayed the weekend at home during Covid. They have always got on well and he has been very good to her. He considers himself more as a friend to her. She said he gave her drugs to try and made a slightly lewd comment to her as well. I challanged him furiously and he said the drugs were a mistake but he made no comment to her. She said he did but that she shrugged it off as him being high.
This blindsided me. I am totally disgusted. Whilst she was 21 years old, it just seems totally inapproiate on both counts. And of course for me, being the only person that knows what has really happened over the last 4 years, I am back to square one. My mind is racing - is this a pattern of behaviour from him? Does he think about young girls all the time? Will I be looking over my shoulder forever if I go back to him?
I am just totally lost and not thinking rationally. I have noone to talk to about this. Whilst he got a no furtehr action result, I still keep thinking that maybe that is because he was just lucky. A case of no smoke without fire maybe? I got very little information on what if anything they found on the devices and I don't think he ever got them back.
Anyway, I am rambling now. But just wondered if anyone else has had the same doubts and worries following no charges. Any advice or opinions also welcome.
Hugs to all of you XX
My OH says that his offending only occurred while under the influence of drugs. He has been going to NA since The Knock and has been clean since.
I have done some research on my OH's drug of choice and found that it increases sexual desire & risky sexual behaviour. I know that personally I could never trust my OH if he starts using again. Once I know that he has a grip of his addiction, I will try to start building trust in other aspects of our luves and relationship. I am supporting him in his recovery, and hope our family can survive, but who knows what the future holds.
I have done some research on my OH's drug of choice and found that it increases sexual desire & risky sexual behaviour. I know that personally I could never trust my OH if he starts using again. Once I know that he has a grip of his addiction, I will try to start building trust in other aspects of our luves and relationship. I am supporting him in his recovery, and hope our family can survive, but who knows what the future holds.
Hi TotallyLost,
It must be so difficult to be in your position. What I will say is drugs are the devil and often (especially if it is the white powdery stuff) you will do things that absolutely disgust you in the harsh light of day. My ex was a massive user and he made an absolute mess of his life, cheated on me with women he wouldn't have looked twice at normally and put me through hell. I think some people can manage to seldom use stuff recreationally but as soon as you show signs of it affecting your life negatively you should absolutely stop and never look back. The problem is getting someone else to do that! I'm not saying behaviour should be excused because of drugs but it definitely makes it worse. I hope you manage to work through things or whatever it is that makes you happy. Xx
It must be so difficult to be in your position. What I will say is drugs are the devil and often (especially if it is the white powdery stuff) you will do things that absolutely disgust you in the harsh light of day. My ex was a massive user and he made an absolute mess of his life, cheated on me with women he wouldn't have looked twice at normally and put me through hell. I think some people can manage to seldom use stuff recreationally but as soon as you show signs of it affecting your life negatively you should absolutely stop and never look back. The problem is getting someone else to do that! I'm not saying behaviour should be excused because of drugs but it definitely makes it worse. I hope you manage to work through things or whatever it is that makes you happy. Xx
Hello,
I totally understand why you are doubting your partners no further action. My partner was arrested 6 weeks ago for uploading indecent images onto Kik. The police told me that this is based on their intelligence and that even if they don't find evidence on his phone they know he's done it, just can't be charged without the evidence. As far as I'm concerned he's guilty.
I totally understand why you are doubting your partners no further action. My partner was arrested 6 weeks ago for uploading indecent images onto Kik. The police told me that this is based on their intelligence and that even if they don't find evidence on his phone they know he's done it, just can't be charged without the evidence. As far as I'm concerned he's guilty.