Heart hurting
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This is my first post. In July 21 I had the knock & was informed that my husband had been arrested. I was told that he had been in conversation with someone online relating to procurement of an underage child for sexual activity. I said they were wrong. He wasn't a stupid man. There must be a mistake. I recall the smug half smile of the female officer when she said there was no mistake. He was released under investigation and suspended from work.
He came home and told me it was relating to an allegation made by someone he'd been in contact with at work. My world fell apart & my heart broke. We worked through everything and put our family back together as much as we could. he lost his job. He got a new job and I regularly questioned the length of time we were being kept in the dark whilst RUI. No list of items seized. No contact from the police. No contact from anyone. I questioned my sanity as my thoughts became irrational. I questioned everything. There was something deep inside that knew something wasn't right but he promised he wasn't hiding anything. I genuinely thought I was going mad. I was off work for 5 weeks & put on antidepressants. I was angry at how the situation was being handled and the effect it had had on our family. How could someone be so cruel as to make such an allegation.
Then a solicitors letter arrived. I offered to go with him he said it will just be about the legal aid.
He then told me they were charging him and I found out everything he had told me had been a lie. The last year had been a lie. He said he couldn't tell me the truth and dug himself into a hole that was impossible to get out of. He couldn't bare seeing what it was doing to me and our adult daughter (Autistic with life limiting OCD related anxiety and self harm tendencies) so the lie continued.
He told me that he had entered an online chat over a two week period with someone on a gaming platform. The chat room was called Taboo. Should have been a red flag! Their conversation was lead to fantasy and he says they introduced the idea of a child. He says he went along with it because it was just talk and he'd never act upon the discussion. He arranged to meet them. The person he was talking to was a police officer. This lead to his arrest.
I'm broken. We've yet to tell our daughter. I'm scared. I spent two days researching how many pills in would take to kill you as I genuinely don't think I can go through this.
He promises that there's nothing else they can find, he has no interest in children, he doesn't know why he did what he did and it was a huge mistake that he's so sorry for. He says he wishes he could take it all away. Surely there must be more or can they charge based on one conversation?
He's a forces veteran and has ptsd he's quite emotionally distant at times but the strongest man I've ever known. Whatever is thrown his way he deals with. Possibly some toxic masculinity trait from his training. I've always felt safe with him and now I feel like I'm questioning everything I've ever known. We've been married for 16 years and he's my world. I'm sat here in tears, and have called my work sick. He's gone to work and is carrying on as normal.
????
He came home and told me it was relating to an allegation made by someone he'd been in contact with at work. My world fell apart & my heart broke. We worked through everything and put our family back together as much as we could. he lost his job. He got a new job and I regularly questioned the length of time we were being kept in the dark whilst RUI. No list of items seized. No contact from the police. No contact from anyone. I questioned my sanity as my thoughts became irrational. I questioned everything. There was something deep inside that knew something wasn't right but he promised he wasn't hiding anything. I genuinely thought I was going mad. I was off work for 5 weeks & put on antidepressants. I was angry at how the situation was being handled and the effect it had had on our family. How could someone be so cruel as to make such an allegation.
Then a solicitors letter arrived. I offered to go with him he said it will just be about the legal aid.
He then told me they were charging him and I found out everything he had told me had been a lie. The last year had been a lie. He said he couldn't tell me the truth and dug himself into a hole that was impossible to get out of. He couldn't bare seeing what it was doing to me and our adult daughter (Autistic with life limiting OCD related anxiety and self harm tendencies) so the lie continued.
He told me that he had entered an online chat over a two week period with someone on a gaming platform. The chat room was called Taboo. Should have been a red flag! Their conversation was lead to fantasy and he says they introduced the idea of a child. He says he went along with it because it was just talk and he'd never act upon the discussion. He arranged to meet them. The person he was talking to was a police officer. This lead to his arrest.
I'm broken. We've yet to tell our daughter. I'm scared. I spent two days researching how many pills in would take to kill you as I genuinely don't think I can go through this.
He promises that there's nothing else they can find, he has no interest in children, he doesn't know why he did what he did and it was a huge mistake that he's so sorry for. He says he wishes he could take it all away. Surely there must be more or can they charge based on one conversation?
He's a forces veteran and has ptsd he's quite emotionally distant at times but the strongest man I've ever known. Whatever is thrown his way he deals with. Possibly some toxic masculinity trait from his training. I've always felt safe with him and now I feel like I'm questioning everything I've ever known. We've been married for 16 years and he's my world. I'm sat here in tears, and have called my work sick. He's gone to work and is carrying on as normal.
????
I'm sorry you find yourself here and that you are in this situation.
You have so so much to process and whilst it won't feel like it now some of the pain will start to feel lighter - But you've got so many emotions to deal with - The offence and the lies. Please reach out and speak to someone. Call the helpline and if you can't get through call Samaritans 116 123.
Whilst I'd been with my partner much less time I found myself in a sort of similar position. We were friends, we became an item when this was hanging over him and he didn't tell me, the first I knew was when charges were brought to him - My world and future plans shattered around me. Not only the offence but that he'd not told me. It was so much to process. Even then he wasn't honest and he could see it was pulling me to pieces - Like you I didn't feel like things added up and I spent so much time and energy trying to make sense of it, all whilst trying to help him and adjust to my world changing and future plans that would not be possible. I can't fathom how he could let me go through that but I also think he just didn't know how break the loop.
My person also had a conversation with another adult about a child. The other adult was a decoy police officer. He only had this one conversation and there was nothing else found.
Your situation also seems similar to mine in that he seemed to struggle to process/ accept / understand that what he was going would be deemed illegal because in his mind he was just talking to an adult, he didn't think there was a child and he was "just" going with the flow of the conversation and where she (the other adult) wanted to take it - In his mind it was edge play. Talking about doing things that are taboo. I believe he'd never have acted on it or really thought there was a child. I believe he has no interest in children. He had lots of edgy type conversations and I can see things from his perspective and how they progressed. Somehow he managed to go to work literally up until days before he went to court to plead guilty - That in itself I think says a lot about how he processed things.
My person is extremely naive, very very intelligent but naive. He thought that continue to not be honest with me would be best and save me pain. I genuinely do think he was shell shocked by it all and the position he found himself in. Like yours he's a strong person and has been through some stressful life events but I don't think has processed them, for him sex, porn, talking about sex etc was escapism for him something that soothed emotions he couldn't cope with.
I know it's doesn't seem it but you will move on from how you are feeling now in that you will be able to start processing it. But it's very likely you'll need help to both process the offence and the lies. Please do try to reach out to the helpline. You are not alone. That pain if very real but at the moment it is very raw.
You have so so much to process and whilst it won't feel like it now some of the pain will start to feel lighter - But you've got so many emotions to deal with - The offence and the lies. Please reach out and speak to someone. Call the helpline and if you can't get through call Samaritans 116 123.
Whilst I'd been with my partner much less time I found myself in a sort of similar position. We were friends, we became an item when this was hanging over him and he didn't tell me, the first I knew was when charges were brought to him - My world and future plans shattered around me. Not only the offence but that he'd not told me. It was so much to process. Even then he wasn't honest and he could see it was pulling me to pieces - Like you I didn't feel like things added up and I spent so much time and energy trying to make sense of it, all whilst trying to help him and adjust to my world changing and future plans that would not be possible. I can't fathom how he could let me go through that but I also think he just didn't know how break the loop.
My person also had a conversation with another adult about a child. The other adult was a decoy police officer. He only had this one conversation and there was nothing else found.
Your situation also seems similar to mine in that he seemed to struggle to process/ accept / understand that what he was going would be deemed illegal because in his mind he was just talking to an adult, he didn't think there was a child and he was "just" going with the flow of the conversation and where she (the other adult) wanted to take it - In his mind it was edge play. Talking about doing things that are taboo. I believe he'd never have acted on it or really thought there was a child. I believe he has no interest in children. He had lots of edgy type conversations and I can see things from his perspective and how they progressed. Somehow he managed to go to work literally up until days before he went to court to plead guilty - That in itself I think says a lot about how he processed things.
My person is extremely naive, very very intelligent but naive. He thought that continue to not be honest with me would be best and save me pain. I genuinely do think he was shell shocked by it all and the position he found himself in. Like yours he's a strong person and has been through some stressful life events but I don't think has processed them, for him sex, porn, talking about sex etc was escapism for him something that soothed emotions he couldn't cope with.
I know it's doesn't seem it but you will move on from how you are feeling now in that you will be able to start processing it. But it's very likely you'll need help to both process the offence and the lies. Please do try to reach out to the helpline. You are not alone. That pain if very real but at the moment it is very raw.
Thank you Sal