Family and Friends Forum

Hi JayJay,

I wanted to believe post sentencing I would have a sense of relief and thoughts of getting back to "normal". The relief came from knowing there was an outcome and the limbo had passed but facing the consequences was entirely different. I wanted to run away to the other end of the country and change our names, I was fortunate to have the most loving, sensible and practical sister who stopped me in my tracks and made me think of having some stability in our lives, she said despite my husband having been sentenced "I" was not a fugitive who needed to run away. I would say things are better but I very much doubt we will ever have the normal life we once had, there are still very strained relationships with family and his friends, we face the daily challenges of his conviction barring us from things that we once took for granted. Despite the upset and sadness mostly with family and friends we have learnt to focus on our own lives and be around people who are comfortable with us both. I would say it is a bit like grief following a bereavement, you think you will never stop crying but eventually the tears don't happen as often but the sadness is still there. We are both doing our best to move forward, my husband has engrossed himself into counselling, meetings, new social groups and complying with his court order courses etc, I have returned to work albeit on reduced hours but there is a sense of normality for me when I am at work. I can honestly say though not a day has passed since the knock that the incident hasn't been discussed whether a deep in depth discussion or a casual reference to the situation. I want to say life is better but I would be lying however life is very different and we are both learning to adapt and accepting our new way of living. I like I would say the majority on here will never ever truly get over this whole experience and the consequences that followed but I am doing my best to live a life that will keep us both mentally and physically healthy. CBT and counselling have been a Godsend for me, if you haven't had any counselling go and see your Gp and ask to access some mental health assistance. There are some areas whereby you can access services yourself without going through your Gp if you don't want to discuss anything with them. We are 9 months post sentencing but I still feel everything is still very raw. Maybe when his 12 month (suspended for 18 months) sentence is over I may feel different but then I shudder that he will be on the SOR and have a SHPO for another 9 years and worry how this will effect us mentally. I know I sound a bit doom and gloom but on the plus side we are now able to function better and are getting out and about more without worrying who we may meet and what they might say to us. So in a mad way it does get better, different but better!
Stay strong, focus on you and who and what's important to yourself, as Lee quoted quite profoundly I must say "Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind"...

Be kind to yourself, things take time and won't change overnight but stay positive and look forward to a different but brighter future. Xxxx

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Jayjay we have not got to court stage yet, but yes the covering, lying etc already bothers me although not yet a daily occurrence. However I do think about it daily and find myself looking forward with dread to a future you describe. I hate the thought of being ostracised, losing friends and family members, having to disclose, notify, allowing random strangers into our lives to assess and judge.

I keep coming back to the thought that the only way to avoid this, if he is found guilty, is to walk away.

Hi Jayjay,

Remember I'm nearly 2 years post sentencing and I'm still feeling wat u r feeling but I think us mum, dad partners suffer more because we are the ones who are made to feel like we r bad parents, so while we are glad it's over depending on how we get on with ss I think depends on how quick we can recover, I'm now intense CBT so I have all sorts of emotions and sometimes feel like I need to divorce my hubby but we work through it, sometimes together sometimes not xx sending big hugs xxxx

Yes 2 years down the line and still ups and downs remain, my son is never far away in my mind.

I just pray we can quietly get on with our lives with no interventions from the authorities when he is released. I will support him as much as I can financially. It will certainly be a different life but am unfortunately forced to accept that after his crime :(. Like many things in our journey you have to 'try' to put as much as you can to rest - NOT easy!

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Jayjay I have been trying to come on this forum less post-sentencing, as like you, I have also been struggling. It's only been a month and I really thought it would get better. But I am really struggling with my emotions and how I feel. I am sorry that this isn't the reassurance that you wanted to hear, but hopefully some comfort in knowing that you're not alone in how you are feeling. I do still have positive days, and I know time is the only healer, but it is niggling away at me underneath that I am confused with my emotions. Sending you lots of love x

Hi Jayjay,

I think it helping but mine is complex because I had trauma from child hood that ss brought back up, so the counselling isn't necessarily because of this but my anxiety is from this experience if that makes sense, I have been diagnosed General Anxiety Disorder, but I do believe I have ptsd from child hood ( we sort of disagreed a bit because I feel like I have it and she thinks it's more the anxiety, so that's wat we are working on for now but I can get help later on for ptsd ) I can recognise things better and somethings are a bit clearer but I think I have a long way to go. Like I said I'm post 2 years and still have all these emotions u have it takes time to heal but that's wat we need to try and do love WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS XX