Furious
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It's been nearly 2 months since we got 'the knock'. I had to check the the date checking my daughters whatsapp saying ' you might want to hurry there are police wanting to talk to you and Daddy'. I didn't get this message till later
I was walking home from work with my other daughter (they are 14yr old twins) and as we approached the house I realised there were people on my drive, in my garden, in my house.
My daughter, the one who whatsapped, was hiding in her room. A woman sat me down and explained they were police and why they were there.
OH was taken into custody. I wondered around the garden that evening and found the hose still running where he had been watering.
I had no news from him for nearly 2 days. I worried, cried, fretted that he was ok? He must be terrified. Was this a joke, had someone set him up, has someone hacked his account? Who would do such a thing? Of course I worried if it was true, but I couldn't believe that, for so many reasons it just didn't make sense.
When I did speak to him he replaced any hope I had with a dark pit of dispair. It was not a hoax or a set up or a hacking. He did this.
He hasn't told me to what extent, tried to downplay it as some fantasy thing he went on. I know nothing about stuff like this so I am clueless. But surely he should have known better. Done better.
A few days pass in a blur and eventually he raises the question of our marriage.
Before this there have been so many things wrong in our relationship, mostly revolving around drinking, selfish behaviour, excessive spending when we are trying to save for a house. These had been a constant presence in our relationship. I had tried to get help, tried to be supportive. warned him that his behaviour would eventually destroy our marriage and I will have had enough. At first I forgave, over time it was easier just to ignore.
So when he asked if we were ok? If we still had a marriage? I couldn't say yes. I couldn't ignore anymore. I could not, cannot think of a way where we remain married and I maintain any kind of dignity or self respect. So I told him no.
I explained that with the history we have, this is unfortuantely the final straw. I would like our seperation to be amicable, I will support him as a friend as much as I can but our marriage is long dead and this is just the nail in the coffin.
His response to this has been nothing short of vindictive.
He has lost his job in all of this. We lived on site at his place of work. Needless to say we cannot live here anymore. Earning wise I earn to much for housing, but not enough for private rent and we are currently homeless, squatting I suppose, in his work accommodation, waiting for bailiffs to come knocking.
We have some savings which I may be able to use for 12 months rent but thats as far as it would go. If a land lord would accept us - have been turned down by 3 already.
The kids ask everyday when we are moving. I used to tell them soon. They started packing. Now they have started unpacking. They both check rightmove daily to try and find us some where to live, 'please mommy we can't move schools'.
He feels we shouldn't be using that money. Half of it is his. Never mind the fact that it is about 25000 short of what it should have been, and that he kept taking more out of the savings than I could put in. He doesn't seem at all interested in the idea that this money is the only life line I have to ensure a home for his children.
His salary went into our joint account at the end of the month, it was there for all of 2 mins when he transferred everthing out. He left nothing. Knowing full well I wouldn't get paid for another 2 weeks and that there would be bills going out of the account. His bills. He is not going to pay anything towards the electric bill as he doesn't live there anymore. When I ask him his response is to 'use the savings I have allegedly stolen form him. The savings which would secure accomodation.
When all this happened we were 2 weeks from going on a family holiday to France. Everything was paid for, to late for refunds, the girls were so excited!! Maybe it was a shitty move but I decided we would be going. Why should they miss out on a holiday because of him. Of course he was livid. Not that we were going, but that we were going without him.
He spent every night of the holiday texting me angry and abusive messages. Accusing me of stealing from him, being heartless, being mean to him. The best one was when he told that he had spoken with his councellor and I made him do it, because I was controlling in our relationship. (that one was a big kick in the guts!)
In between all the abuse he would throw in the odd 'We can still make this work- together' WTAF!!???
Coming back back from holiday was the first time ever I cried at the airport, well in the Taxi to the airport. The driver was was very touched at how much I loved my holiday there and hoped I could come back again soon. How could I tell him that I did love my holiday, but my tears are not because of how wonderful our holiday was, which it was, but because I have nothing to return to.
Since we have been I have been so busy, Full time work and single parenting doesn't leave you with a lot of free time, especially during the holidays.
But apparently according to him I am rounding up vigilante groups to come and attack him, which is why he won't tell me where he is living. other than to tell me what a dive it is and how he feels scared because it's full of druggies. I tried to help him find better places, apparently they were beneath him. I arranged a visit with him for the girls. SS have signed off that I am suitable to supervise. I had hoped seeing his children would help him sense about the money. But apparently not. He is unphased that the trip cost me £200 in fuel and food while we were there. He bought the girls a bubble tea.
It's our Wedding anniversary tomorrow. Apparently he is going to be sending me a message which he 'means from the bottom of his heart'. But tonight he just wanted to check I wasn't going to try and get him put in jail because 'thats what you really want' and apparently I keep punishing him as if I want him to die, but he can't tell me how i do this.
I titled this as furious but just I have written I have circulated through furious, sad, disappointed, betrayed, hurt, alone, heartbroken and back to furious.
Also lost,...... because I don't have any idea how to begin piecing together a future for myself and my girls from the shattered bits of what is left of our lives. I start each day with one foot in front of the other and end it no further forward with no idea which direction to go and the only answer I can give my children is,.... I don't know'
:(
I was walking home from work with my other daughter (they are 14yr old twins) and as we approached the house I realised there were people on my drive, in my garden, in my house.
My daughter, the one who whatsapped, was hiding in her room. A woman sat me down and explained they were police and why they were there.
OH was taken into custody. I wondered around the garden that evening and found the hose still running where he had been watering.
I had no news from him for nearly 2 days. I worried, cried, fretted that he was ok? He must be terrified. Was this a joke, had someone set him up, has someone hacked his account? Who would do such a thing? Of course I worried if it was true, but I couldn't believe that, for so many reasons it just didn't make sense.
When I did speak to him he replaced any hope I had with a dark pit of dispair. It was not a hoax or a set up or a hacking. He did this.
He hasn't told me to what extent, tried to downplay it as some fantasy thing he went on. I know nothing about stuff like this so I am clueless. But surely he should have known better. Done better.
A few days pass in a blur and eventually he raises the question of our marriage.
Before this there have been so many things wrong in our relationship, mostly revolving around drinking, selfish behaviour, excessive spending when we are trying to save for a house. These had been a constant presence in our relationship. I had tried to get help, tried to be supportive. warned him that his behaviour would eventually destroy our marriage and I will have had enough. At first I forgave, over time it was easier just to ignore.
So when he asked if we were ok? If we still had a marriage? I couldn't say yes. I couldn't ignore anymore. I could not, cannot think of a way where we remain married and I maintain any kind of dignity or self respect. So I told him no.
I explained that with the history we have, this is unfortuantely the final straw. I would like our seperation to be amicable, I will support him as a friend as much as I can but our marriage is long dead and this is just the nail in the coffin.
His response to this has been nothing short of vindictive.
He has lost his job in all of this. We lived on site at his place of work. Needless to say we cannot live here anymore. Earning wise I earn to much for housing, but not enough for private rent and we are currently homeless, squatting I suppose, in his work accommodation, waiting for bailiffs to come knocking.
We have some savings which I may be able to use for 12 months rent but thats as far as it would go. If a land lord would accept us - have been turned down by 3 already.
The kids ask everyday when we are moving. I used to tell them soon. They started packing. Now they have started unpacking. They both check rightmove daily to try and find us some where to live, 'please mommy we can't move schools'.
He feels we shouldn't be using that money. Half of it is his. Never mind the fact that it is about 25000 short of what it should have been, and that he kept taking more out of the savings than I could put in. He doesn't seem at all interested in the idea that this money is the only life line I have to ensure a home for his children.
His salary went into our joint account at the end of the month, it was there for all of 2 mins when he transferred everthing out. He left nothing. Knowing full well I wouldn't get paid for another 2 weeks and that there would be bills going out of the account. His bills. He is not going to pay anything towards the electric bill as he doesn't live there anymore. When I ask him his response is to 'use the savings I have allegedly stolen form him. The savings which would secure accomodation.
When all this happened we were 2 weeks from going on a family holiday to France. Everything was paid for, to late for refunds, the girls were so excited!! Maybe it was a shitty move but I decided we would be going. Why should they miss out on a holiday because of him. Of course he was livid. Not that we were going, but that we were going without him.
He spent every night of the holiday texting me angry and abusive messages. Accusing me of stealing from him, being heartless, being mean to him. The best one was when he told that he had spoken with his councellor and I made him do it, because I was controlling in our relationship. (that one was a big kick in the guts!)
In between all the abuse he would throw in the odd 'We can still make this work- together' WTAF!!???
Coming back back from holiday was the first time ever I cried at the airport, well in the Taxi to the airport. The driver was was very touched at how much I loved my holiday there and hoped I could come back again soon. How could I tell him that I did love my holiday, but my tears are not because of how wonderful our holiday was, which it was, but because I have nothing to return to.
Since we have been I have been so busy, Full time work and single parenting doesn't leave you with a lot of free time, especially during the holidays.
But apparently according to him I am rounding up vigilante groups to come and attack him, which is why he won't tell me where he is living. other than to tell me what a dive it is and how he feels scared because it's full of druggies. I tried to help him find better places, apparently they were beneath him. I arranged a visit with him for the girls. SS have signed off that I am suitable to supervise. I had hoped seeing his children would help him sense about the money. But apparently not. He is unphased that the trip cost me £200 in fuel and food while we were there. He bought the girls a bubble tea.
It's our Wedding anniversary tomorrow. Apparently he is going to be sending me a message which he 'means from the bottom of his heart'. But tonight he just wanted to check I wasn't going to try and get him put in jail because 'thats what you really want' and apparently I keep punishing him as if I want him to die, but he can't tell me how i do this.
I titled this as furious but just I have written I have circulated through furious, sad, disappointed, betrayed, hurt, alone, heartbroken and back to furious.
Also lost,...... because I don't have any idea how to begin piecing together a future for myself and my girls from the shattered bits of what is left of our lives. I start each day with one foot in front of the other and end it no further forward with no idea which direction to go and the only answer I can give my children is,.... I don't know'
:(
So sorry you find yourself here.
Firstly, all of your feelings are valid, and no it was not shitty to take your kids on holiday, it was disgusting of him to resent his children a holiday.
With regards to housing, speak to citizens advice. If you haven't already, get you and your girls on the housing list with your local authority, there maybe a long wait but it won't hurt to be on it.
If you are not already in receipt of universal credit, it's worth having a look. It may help with housing costs. There are online calculators that you can use to work out if private rental is affordable.
I also believe that SS should help with housing if they are involved.
Firstly, all of your feelings are valid, and no it was not shitty to take your kids on holiday, it was disgusting of him to resent his children a holiday.
With regards to housing, speak to citizens advice. If you haven't already, get you and your girls on the housing list with your local authority, there maybe a long wait but it won't hurt to be on it.
If you are not already in receipt of universal credit, it's worth having a look. It may help with housing costs. There are online calculators that you can use to work out if private rental is affordable.
I also believe that SS should help with housing if they are involved.
Post deleted
What a sad read. You've been very patient over the years and it sounds like you've done everything you possibly can for this person. You deserve more! Can you contact Women's Aid for some support? I know they are mainly for domestic violence but it might be worth a try. Try checking online for private landlords without an estate agent. You will get through this, you're a very strong lady! Sending love xx
You poor woman, it's heart wrenching reading that post, a lot of it I coukd have written myself. As others have said if your homeless they have to give you all accommodation, especially if domestic violence is involved. Your ex siubds exactly like my ex husband (not my person now who got the knock) the thing that really helped me in the end was just to block him from my phone, because speaking from experience he's gonna get worse the more he realises your definitely over. Once I stopped contact my life was so much better and clearer with constant abusive texts, I still, after all these years get the odd one but now your children are older and have phones of their own, he can stay in touch with them. You have a bit of a hard journey ahead, I've been there, but you'll do it. I found cutting my hours at work took some pressure off single parenting and I was entitled to more benefits. Like Lee says, contact citizens advice, they were great with me. I still struggle but ive all my childrens basic nerds. Your obviously a good person, you've did all you can to help your husband. He needs to help himself now.
WTAF1000
I have no words but I'm full of admiration for how you are holding things together for your children in spite of the poor behaviour of your husband. Others have given lots of good advice in response to your post. You were absolutely right to go on that holiday, and it probably helped give you some space to forget about things but also to ponder over things from a distance. It sounds like things look very terrible to you from where you are now, but I'm sure they will get better, although there may be a few more lumps and bumps in the road ahead.
I have no words but I'm full of admiration for how you are holding things together for your children in spite of the poor behaviour of your husband. Others have given lots of good advice in response to your post. You were absolutely right to go on that holiday, and it probably helped give you some space to forget about things but also to ponder over things from a distance. It sounds like things look very terrible to you from where you are now, but I'm sure they will get better, although there may be a few more lumps and bumps in the road ahead.