Children's friends
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Sorry if I am repeating myself I'm sure I've asked somthing like this before . How are people coping with the children not having there friends over . Always happens to me especially now there back at school at the school gates my daughter and friends are begging for her to come over to play I said not today sorry they said tomorrow ect I sed we might be busy . Was arkward could think of may excuses but I've been putting it off so long the mum is really nice and she's been over to her house to play . She knows I live round the corner from the school . My daughter just wants a friend round :( . I have taken another friend out to the park and arcade so we were not in the house . But this is another friend and I feel it's getting scary that's another mum that may linch me when they find out . I would havnt any children round or take them anywere but that's all my little girl wants and I don't know how to over come it . I also read somone post that after sentencing ect SS wouldn't let the children have a friend over even if the partner didn't live there . I'm not sure what possible outcome all this can have so that my children have a normal life like the others xxx
I can't really give advice because I too avoided my teen's friends coming to the house etc for 2 years while investigation was on going.
I wish I hadn't stuck by him, giving benefit of the doubt because it turned out he'd lied through his teeth and we are no longer together but those 2 years damaged my teens relationships and their friends moved on without them. Even now 2 years later those relationships cannot be repaired because we can't explain why we avoided certain situations so there is understandably a distance with those friends.
I thought I was doing the right thing giving him benefit of the doubt but I now hate him so much for those 2 lost years - he know it was damaging my teens and my relationships. We made that sacrifice because we loved and trusted him and I really hate him for letting us do that when he knew that when we found out the truth we would cut contact with him. Made it so much harder that we'd lost friends too.
Impossible situation and I know I'm not being reassuring but just wanted you to know I understand a little bit.
At least mine were old enough to know why friends couldn't come round.
. Xxx
I wish I hadn't stuck by him, giving benefit of the doubt because it turned out he'd lied through his teeth and we are no longer together but those 2 years damaged my teens relationships and their friends moved on without them. Even now 2 years later those relationships cannot be repaired because we can't explain why we avoided certain situations so there is understandably a distance with those friends.
I thought I was doing the right thing giving him benefit of the doubt but I now hate him so much for those 2 lost years - he know it was damaging my teens and my relationships. We made that sacrifice because we loved and trusted him and I really hate him for letting us do that when he knew that when we found out the truth we would cut contact with him. Made it so much harder that we'd lost friends too.
Impossible situation and I know I'm not being reassuring but just wanted you to know I understand a little bit.
At least mine were old enough to know why friends couldn't come round.
. Xxx
Thank you Beccy it's so hard isn't it . My person hasn't lied he's been honest from the start but wether that helps I don't know . It's still not good but least we have some honesty I surpose . I can't really walk away I don't think my little girl would cope but I'll be doing everything I can to pretect them and hopefully find a common ground were they can still do everything they enjoy . Xxx
I don't know what your partner has done but I don't think SS can say you can't have any children round even when he's not there. You haven't committed any crime.
While my ex was under investigation SS said I had to supervise contact with mine but didn't mention any other children and my ex had no conditions about unsupervised contact with other children. How ridiculous is that?
It's so unfair on you and your daughter. It's the timescales that make this so much worse. I was so scared that if I had another child in the house and it later hit the media that everyone would hate me so we lived a lie for 2 years.
I hope you find a solution. Does your daughter know anything that is happening? I just don't know how people with young children manage to explain.
X
While my ex was under investigation SS said I had to supervise contact with mine but didn't mention any other children and my ex had no conditions about unsupervised contact with other children. How ridiculous is that?
It's so unfair on you and your daughter. It's the timescales that make this so much worse. I was so scared that if I had another child in the house and it later hit the media that everyone would hate me so we lived a lie for 2 years.
I hope you find a solution. Does your daughter know anything that is happening? I just don't know how people with young children manage to explain.
X
He was arrested for iioc .she doesn't know anything she thinks daddy works at night so he dusnt stay here . Or he stays at him friends because it's closer to work . It won't last for ever she will soon realise he can't work day and night . His rui is no unsupervised contact with anyone under the age of 16 . I am not coping well but the only person that's here for me is him . So I dunno all a big mess . Somtimes i wake up and think it can't possibly be true but then I soon realise :(
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I think I'm going to take them out again just money's hard and there obsessed with wanting to play in her room with her bloody Barbie dream house . She's kind of at the age were soft play and parks not that fun they want to see each others rooms . I still feel that the mother's might go mad at me but all I can say if they kept asking so soft play was safe with camaras and I was alone with them . I never know what people think there's no many stories that they think because we stand by there side were as bad as them. I really wish I wasn't are ted by the social aspect . That's my problem I think if we have to move away I won't cope living under a rock . I always wanted her friends round a kind of open door thing that I didn't have . I'm not sure if it's because of covid or it's my naybour hood but there always going to each other for tea and a play after school . And she gets so mad and upset . I'm kind of running out of reasons why they can't come here I've said because of the baby because eof the dog ect ino people have alot more problems that wanting friends over just somthing that affects me that my girls can't have a normal life xxx
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My grandson asked for his friends to visit at my house ,even when his mother moved into her own home,splitting from the offender .
Lots of the family knew about the offences and were able to be "supervising adults" for access visits .I think there were about 12 people who were allowed to do supervision by Social Services .It certainly made things easier for the children and my daughter to have supervision not just be her . Mutual friends were also able to do supervision ,they were all aware of the investigation into offences -it made life much easier that it wasn't just the same people all the time,as the pressure of that can be terrible.
For my grandson ,his friends coming to play or for tea at my home was more about fear of police raids ,we think .He asked me if his friends could come to my home rather than his .We didn't question him as to why -the police raid was a very traumatising time and he didn't want it to happen again with friends there.
The friends did come for a couple of visits .
Lots of the family knew about the offences and were able to be "supervising adults" for access visits .I think there were about 12 people who were allowed to do supervision by Social Services .It certainly made things easier for the children and my daughter to have supervision not just be her . Mutual friends were also able to do supervision ,they were all aware of the investigation into offences -it made life much easier that it wasn't just the same people all the time,as the pressure of that can be terrible.
For my grandson ,his friends coming to play or for tea at my home was more about fear of police raids ,we think .He asked me if his friends could come to my home rather than his .We didn't question him as to why -the police raid was a very traumatising time and he didn't want it to happen again with friends there.
The friends did come for a couple of visits .
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I feel some of your frustrations.
My son is getting to the age where we may start to get friends at nursery and want to do some coffees and play dates. Mine is of the age where parents would come too, so I don't think this is a problem for us quite yet - however, it is something I worry about for the future on a regular basis. I think you're right to be asking these questions.
I hate the thought of our son growing up and none of his friends parents allowing him to the home. I also worry that I may have to disclose to every parent in his class what his daddy did before his birthday party! It scares me so much.
I wonder if, even if we live together, if the offender isn't home or at the party for example, would I still have to disclose?! There's so many mixed messages about this isn't there. :( I guess like others have said, it's about trying to cover your back incase it comes out later down the line and you're the villain for not telling 'polly's mum at number 16'. So hard isn't it.
My son is getting to the age where we may start to get friends at nursery and want to do some coffees and play dates. Mine is of the age where parents would come too, so I don't think this is a problem for us quite yet - however, it is something I worry about for the future on a regular basis. I think you're right to be asking these questions.
I hate the thought of our son growing up and none of his friends parents allowing him to the home. I also worry that I may have to disclose to every parent in his class what his daddy did before his birthday party! It scares me so much.
I wonder if, even if we live together, if the offender isn't home or at the party for example, would I still have to disclose?! There's so many mixed messages about this isn't there. :( I guess like others have said, it's about trying to cover your back incase it comes out later down the line and you're the villain for not telling 'polly's mum at number 16'. So hard isn't it.
Thank your for your replies . I have taken the girls and a friend out but was hard work with the baby aswell watching them all . The 2 best friends she has the mum's never really want to do anything she's been to there house and I've taken them the circus alone and things. I asume if people spilt with there partners then surley they can carry on normall other than some ppl may judge if it's in the media . But other than that ties are cut. Everything's up in the air at the momebt so will we have to move them move her school and friends she will be devistated but then she will have her dad home which she wants more than anything . She's asked me 20 times today which day her friends coming over /play date . I would prefer no children in the house regardless it's hard with a baby dog and young kids toneat h them all . There's so many things unknown. Some people say it's fine to go to social events or wedding ect just stay next to the partner at all times some people have said they must disclose to everyone . I did my child's birthday party last year ( were rui) and I didn't tell anyone becaus ehe wasn't there she was upset that her dad wasn't there but I sed he cudnt get it off work . Same goes for sports day ect . I find all descions are hard and change by the day . All I can think is we have had lockdown ect all together no friends or family aloud . And I'm sure if I was in this situation my partner's wud be very supportive and would move across the world if I needed to . Then the aspect of we have created our life's here friends family schools jobs ect . And as wrong ect as what they have done is there never knew all this was going to happen (maybe they should of thought about this I agree) but the shock when I read things off the forum to my partner he never eveen imagined somthing could mess us our whole life's and he's so upset every single day :(. When will it end xxx
Xxx
I know what you are saying and I think there are two serious issues here.
One is that it is not widely realised how harsh the punishment is for these crimes - not just the sentence handed down by the court and SOR requirements and SHPO restrictions, but also the offender and family shaming by the media, vigilante groups and the public and if you are unlucky, friends and family members. Plus the establishment shaming by social services, employers, schoolsand other premises that want nothing to do with you. I don't think this happens to any other kind of criminal, even those who are arguably much more danngerous.
The second is there is a shocking lack of awareness amongst the public about how easy it is to cross the line from legal social media or online porn use into committing an offence that is categorised as child abuse. While I am sure that the majority of those convicted knew they were doing wrong, I think significant numbers did not realise at the time how wrong, and some were possibly unwitting or were "led" into it. Why is there not a national media campaign about it? Lucy Faithfull why aren't you doing this? A few shocking adverts that would serve to raise awareness about what activities could get people arrested while also warning children about online dangers, would be really worthwhile. I was completely ignorant about all of this until it happened to my family.
I know what you are saying and I think there are two serious issues here.
One is that it is not widely realised how harsh the punishment is for these crimes - not just the sentence handed down by the court and SOR requirements and SHPO restrictions, but also the offender and family shaming by the media, vigilante groups and the public and if you are unlucky, friends and family members. Plus the establishment shaming by social services, employers, schoolsand other premises that want nothing to do with you. I don't think this happens to any other kind of criminal, even those who are arguably much more danngerous.
The second is there is a shocking lack of awareness amongst the public about how easy it is to cross the line from legal social media or online porn use into committing an offence that is categorised as child abuse. While I am sure that the majority of those convicted knew they were doing wrong, I think significant numbers did not realise at the time how wrong, and some were possibly unwitting or were "led" into it. Why is there not a national media campaign about it? Lucy Faithfull why aren't you doing this? A few shocking adverts that would serve to raise awareness about what activities could get people arrested while also warning children about online dangers, would be really worthwhile. I was completely ignorant about all of this until it happened to my family.
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I've thought about this recently - Why isn't there more to warn people about how dangerous and easy it can be to come across this stuff. The only think I can think, is that campaigns would need to be very carefully delivered so as not to be appearing to help offenders cover their tracks as such ( I'm not sure that's the right word - Perhaps appearing to support the potential offender.). But I do think a campaign would be helpful, I guess it's similar to the argument we hear when we hear about things like Sarah Everard - People saying lock up your daughters to keep them safe. And counter argument - Educate your sons. There needs to be more education for example so people can understand the impact you can have on a child with sexulised conversations. We all know it's wrong but it happens and even because of the way women are still viewed and treated in society. There also isn't really any advise out there for if you do stumble across or download things by accident - I wonder if that's because ultimately a law has been broken, so there isn't any way out. It's do complex, because there are many that stumble into this situation not on purpose but through opportunity, but there are still people that have a real appetite for this activity and do genuinely pose a risk to children.
I agree there's need to be somthing done. I never new about any of this or understood. More and more people join this forum daily . Unless I am neive how do people know if they see an imagine or if somthing is sent to call the police. Not that my case is this mine is worse but who eveen knows that they should contact the police ect . Everything about these cases shockes me the terms making an image . That just leads people to believe they had made the imagine and was actually there . Why would they use this term. Why when they search the devices for a year they can't actully write down which ones have been veiwed not just everything in the file that was sent. Why do they take so long and no contact. I somtimes feel if it was drugs or abuse ect we would have help . Not only that but social services ect help drug users and things raise there children were as were told don't ever let them near the men .I can not believe we're all left sat here confiding in each other while everyone just tries to make our life's so much harder xxx