Pregnancy and children
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GreenYellow
I have no experience of going through this nightmare with children or through pregnancy but there are others on this group who have and I hope they will reply.
We are still pre court but I am dreading all the restrictions and outside interference if he is convicted and not sure whether I could live with that if I stayed with him. All that would be amplified with pregnancy and children, so in your position I would see my options as either leaving and starting a family with someone else, or staying and not having children. I realise this is very negative and a very personal point of view. I guess it all depends on how much you want children and how well you believe you could cope with the inevitable interference from the authorities. Others have achieved this but it sounds like hard work and not straightforward.
I have no experience of going through this nightmare with children or through pregnancy but there are others on this group who have and I hope they will reply.
We are still pre court but I am dreading all the restrictions and outside interference if he is convicted and not sure whether I could live with that if I stayed with him. All that would be amplified with pregnancy and children, so in your position I would see my options as either leaving and starting a family with someone else, or staying and not having children. I realise this is very negative and a very personal point of view. I guess it all depends on how much you want children and how well you believe you could cope with the inevitable interference from the authorities. Others have achieved this but it sounds like hard work and not straightforward.
Hello.
We have a 1 YO together and he isn't currently allowed to live in the family home but is allowed to come to the home whenever he likes to see us. If you go on the main discussion forum there are so many different stories from mothers. It's definitely worth finding some out - there are also quite a few from ladies who are pregnant. Maybe use the search bar and type in 'pregnant'.
I would say there's a huge mix of circumstances but I definitely get the feeling that so long as your partner doesn't have anything on his SHPO about contact restrictions etc. there's ultimately very little SS can do (but they could potentially escalate it up to family court but from reading everyone else's stories - this never goes in their favour if you've taken all the right steps and nothing on his SHPO).
I too am wondering about bringing maybe a child number two into the world one day... so it's something I worry for too.
sending love xx
We have a 1 YO together and he isn't currently allowed to live in the family home but is allowed to come to the home whenever he likes to see us. If you go on the main discussion forum there are so many different stories from mothers. It's definitely worth finding some out - there are also quite a few from ladies who are pregnant. Maybe use the search bar and type in 'pregnant'.
I would say there's a huge mix of circumstances but I definitely get the feeling that so long as your partner doesn't have anything on his SHPO about contact restrictions etc. there's ultimately very little SS can do (but they could potentially escalate it up to family court but from reading everyone else's stories - this never goes in their favour if you've taken all the right steps and nothing on his SHPO).
I too am wondering about bringing maybe a child number two into the world one day... so it's something I worry for too.
sending love xx
Hi
We had our family prior to the knock. What I would say is SS is easily the worst part of this journey for me. As a non offending partner I believe we are victims of our partners behaviour. SS have made me feel as equally judged as my OH specially as I have decided to support him.
Consider if you want that intrusion when raising your children. I would do anything to not have SS in my children's lives.
I'm not saying that your OH is not worth it, but children will change any relationship without the added pressure of SS.
That said, there are ladies on here who have had children after the knock who may be better placed to advise you. Only you know what you can handle x
We had our family prior to the knock. What I would say is SS is easily the worst part of this journey for me. As a non offending partner I believe we are victims of our partners behaviour. SS have made me feel as equally judged as my OH specially as I have decided to support him.
Consider if you want that intrusion when raising your children. I would do anything to not have SS in my children's lives.
I'm not saying that your OH is not worth it, but children will change any relationship without the added pressure of SS.
That said, there are ladies on here who have had children after the knock who may be better placed to advise you. Only you know what you can handle x
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Personally I wouldn't have a child with someone on the SOR with SHPO. Even if I could live with all restrictions or eventually have the restrictions removed I don't think it would be fair on the child to not have friends around to play etc. Not being disrespectful to those who do it but after 2 years of seeing what it did to my teens relationships and mental health and also to me.
For me there was almost no interference from SS because I agreed to supervised contact and was then left alone.
Even if there were no restrictions, and people didn't need to be told for contact to take place I would never feel comfortable with another child coming into my house without their parents being told.. Imagine if it was the other way round and your child was invited into a house with a sex offender ( even after restrictions have expired). Imagine if your child is a girl will you be happy in 12 years to have her friends running round your house in pyjamas etc or having to try and explain why they can never stay over.
No sleepovers, no parties with the dad being there, no school parents evening, pick up from clubs, school plays, sports presentations, no holidays at caravan sites etcs no days out to zoos etc (he won't be allowed while on SOR, most of them will have it in terms and conditions even if ypu were happy with him being there) and you end up telling more lies to try and cover. Might be manageable when they are very small but as they get older and their friends start wanting to come round to the house would you be comfortable with him being around them.
It's horrible to have to manage with existing children but having seen what it did to my teens (anxiety attack, panic attacks, depression, break down of relationships, mistrust, anger, regression, lack of confidence and much more) I would never bring a new child into the situation.
I know people can and do manage it but they must be far stronger than me because 2 years of it (supervised contact and the stress of all the lies and cover stories and teen upset) nearly destroyed me. My teens has counselling and medication and 4 years later is slowly improving but I honestly think their mental health will be affected for life and watching this has been the hardest thing I've ever done. That is the thing I hate him for most.
I hope you make the right decision for you xx
For me there was almost no interference from SS because I agreed to supervised contact and was then left alone.
Even if there were no restrictions, and people didn't need to be told for contact to take place I would never feel comfortable with another child coming into my house without their parents being told.. Imagine if it was the other way round and your child was invited into a house with a sex offender ( even after restrictions have expired). Imagine if your child is a girl will you be happy in 12 years to have her friends running round your house in pyjamas etc or having to try and explain why they can never stay over.
No sleepovers, no parties with the dad being there, no school parents evening, pick up from clubs, school plays, sports presentations, no holidays at caravan sites etcs no days out to zoos etc (he won't be allowed while on SOR, most of them will have it in terms and conditions even if ypu were happy with him being there) and you end up telling more lies to try and cover. Might be manageable when they are very small but as they get older and their friends start wanting to come round to the house would you be comfortable with him being around them.
It's horrible to have to manage with existing children but having seen what it did to my teens (anxiety attack, panic attacks, depression, break down of relationships, mistrust, anger, regression, lack of confidence and much more) I would never bring a new child into the situation.
I know people can and do manage it but they must be far stronger than me because 2 years of it (supervised contact and the stress of all the lies and cover stories and teen upset) nearly destroyed me. My teens has counselling and medication and 4 years later is slowly improving but I honestly think their mental health will be affected for life and watching this has been the hardest thing I've ever done. That is the thing I hate him for most.
I hope you make the right decision for you xx
Hi,
we have a 1 year old, ss are a battle which we are in the midst of but we have hope.
I don't see living with his restrictions as bad, his ShPO is internet only and his SOR only says to notify if spending more than 12 hours with children. He's only got them for 5 years so by the time our little one starts school he'll be off.
We've notified for nieces and nephews, his visor was great and now he can go stay at theirs/go on holiday etc.
as for days out, he has no restrictions for this at all. We go swimming, soft play, zoos, the park and birthday parties. We can go on holiday as long as you read the t&c's. Some of our friends with children know, others that don't we have our rules which we follow. I.e he is always with me. I think it helps if you have a supportive visor, ours is amazing.
the restrictions imposed by ss right now are harder than anything but for us it's a battle worth fighting for our family
we have a 1 year old, ss are a battle which we are in the midst of but we have hope.
I don't see living with his restrictions as bad, his ShPO is internet only and his SOR only says to notify if spending more than 12 hours with children. He's only got them for 5 years so by the time our little one starts school he'll be off.
We've notified for nieces and nephews, his visor was great and now he can go stay at theirs/go on holiday etc.
as for days out, he has no restrictions for this at all. We go swimming, soft play, zoos, the park and birthday parties. We can go on holiday as long as you read the t&c's. Some of our friends with children know, others that don't we have our rules which we follow. I.e he is always with me. I think it helps if you have a supportive visor, ours is amazing.
the restrictions imposed by ss right now are harder than anything but for us it's a battle worth fighting for our family
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Hi
My husband was arrested when I was 24 weeks pregnant.
He never was asked to leave the family home after work we did with SS but we are still under some restrictions from them with a safety plan. This means I can't leave him unsupervised with our now 1 year old. It's hard!
But. We had sentencing at the beginning of this month. Now SS will do an assessment and all being well we can remove the safety plan (or most of it and get rid of no unsupervised!). He does have SOR and a SHPO which says he can't be in contact with other children under 16 without parents agreement and not unsupervised without parents and social services. This sucks to be honest. But by the time my daughter starts school we will have done half of this already. And then before senior school it will be over. We intend to go to court in 5-7 years to see if we can have this clause removed. If not. We will manage. Any good friends with kids know everything anyway - so we can hang out with those kids. And we will cross the rest of the bridges when they come up!
Now with SS the key is to work with them. If you get pregnant then you have the whole of the pregnancy to do what they need and put things in place. But as he has already been punished, assessed ect they shouldn't be able to do too much. People fear them. But they don't have as much power as they want you to think!
My husband was arrested when I was 24 weeks pregnant.
He never was asked to leave the family home after work we did with SS but we are still under some restrictions from them with a safety plan. This means I can't leave him unsupervised with our now 1 year old. It's hard!
But. We had sentencing at the beginning of this month. Now SS will do an assessment and all being well we can remove the safety plan (or most of it and get rid of no unsupervised!). He does have SOR and a SHPO which says he can't be in contact with other children under 16 without parents agreement and not unsupervised without parents and social services. This sucks to be honest. But by the time my daughter starts school we will have done half of this already. And then before senior school it will be over. We intend to go to court in 5-7 years to see if we can have this clause removed. If not. We will manage. Any good friends with kids know everything anyway - so we can hang out with those kids. And we will cross the rest of the bridges when they come up!
Now with SS the key is to work with them. If you get pregnant then you have the whole of the pregnancy to do what they need and put things in place. But as he has already been punished, assessed ect they shouldn't be able to do too much. People fear them. But they don't have as much power as they want you to think!