Family and Friends Forum

I joined this group a week ago. My life had literally blown apart and honestly wished the worse on my son, 21.

We took our youngest son 15, away for a few days to give him head space and so my husband didn't try to kill my eldest.

When we got home I sat with my eldest and asked him why. He said he didn't know. He said it wasn't sexual. Over the last week we've figured out that it started around the time after the suicide of a close family friend and his boss within a year of each other. He'd confided in his college at the time he wanted to die. They offered and he accepted talking therapy. Obviously it didn't help him and he went to a very dark place. He admitted he still hasn't grieved for the family friend 5 years on. He was found on my sons birthday. My dad also died on his birthday years earlier. Just over a year after his boss died, my son had a life changing accident and spent almost 3 weeks in hospital followed by ongoing and current treatment. I know a lot of the time doing this can be trauma related, angry there's been a lot of trauma. As he's got older we've realised he is on the spectrum, we always put it down to him just being quirky, high school never said anything, everyone just said it was just his way. Is being on the spectrum, seeing things differently, something we should look at? Where would we even start? I feel like I'm making excuses, is that what I'm doing?

He's admitted what he did and this weekend he started to ask for help. He emailed all the places that were advised on the police print outs. He called I think it was an nhs outreach number and they're calling him back. He has a zoom meeting with safer lives this afternoon. He is trying.

He went on the help modules on here, I asked if it helped and he said it made him realise how crap his life was. It broke my heart.

At first he didn't leave his room. I took his food up, other than going to work he was isolated. I really struggled. I knew it was no good for his mental health but my son and husband weren't ready, understandably. On Friday my husband and son told him he could eat with us. I know they did it for me but it has helped all of us. He offered to move out, he couldn't afford to but he offered. My youngest, who's literally dealing with this so brilliantly said well living on his own won't help his mental health, he can't do that.

We all know he isn't a bad person, he did a bad thing, a terrible terrible thing and although he didn't do anything in 'real life' he understands that this isn't a victimless crime and the photos he looked at were of victims.

Social services called after 4 days, to tell me someone would be in touch, a few days later another person called to do an interim safety check for my youngest. She asked what support we have and what I was going to keep him safe and she said that I was doing everything right. She said she wasn't our social worker and another person assigned to us would call this week. I have this almighty fear they're going to say I'm doing something wrong, that he isn't safe. We home school, have done for 4 years, I feel like that'll be used against me. Is this just paranoia? I cried when I spoke to her, obviously it had been the week from hell and she told me I had to be strong for my other child. It felt like I'd been punched, like being upset meant I wasn't being there for him.

I don't know why I've literally said all this. Just need to be told I'm not failing everyone I guess and I'm not a crap mom and wife. Are my feelings normal? What is normal?

Thank you for your advice. His first meeting with safer lives went well, not well but helpful. He has another meeting with them in two weeks. They believe his traumas are related and his disjointed relationship with his biological dad may have been a cause for his depression. They said going from what he's disclosed to them that they can't see it being a prison sentence and possibly he will be able to have a 'normal' future, with restrictions obviously. We're starting to look into the autism spectrum assessment and have saved the name of the book suggested should it be that he is diagnosed. I guess without a diagnosis the police etc won't care that we think he's on the spectrum.

My youngest is dealing with this better than everyone else, he's so mature. He is informed as much as we are, he says he'd prefer to know than not so we are doing what he wants.

I literally don't know where to start with the safety plan for social services. I looked on the nspcc website and couldn't find anything.

My husband is struggling, he's doing what he has to do, taking him to work when he has to etc (he can't drive after his accident), but he won't talk to him and won't talk to me or listen when I try to tell him what my son has done to try to get help. He got my son a new phone with caveats that he proves he's trying, uses the phone to call the help lines etc but then won't hear what he's trying to do. I ended up having a total breakdown last night. I know that me getting upset makes my husband angry at my son, then I get upset because he's angry, so he gets angrier because I'm upset. I explained this to him. I think he can only be angry because if he let's in any other emotion it'll break him. It feels like a horrible roller coaster. I know we're not even two weeks in but it feels like years already.

He realised last night that there are so many things you take for granted that go when you have everything confiscated. He can't do online banking, he needs to go to a branch to sort it to use his new phone. He can't buy anything that requires log in to his banking app. Life very abruptly stops.

We sat last night and he thanked me for helping him, he's sorry and he'll do whatever he can to not hurt the family any more than he has, he said he's realised he's 'really effed up in the head' and I reminded him that that's why there's so many places to help him and he needs to do this for him not just us. I said that when he did what he did he was in a very dark place and he's probably in a very similar leave now and he needs to make sure he gets help and doesn't get lost in that place again and head in the same direction.

Baby steps and one day at a time I guess is all we can do.

Thank you for being there, it's so helpful.

sadmum can I ask, how did you and your husband get through it? We had an almost marriage ending argument last night. He told me I'd picked my eldest over him and my youngest when I said I'd leave with the eldest to protect them. I haven't at all. I thought it was an option that might help. I also said just my son could live elsewhere if that was what they wanted. I told them, the police, the social worker, everyone, that my youngest is my priority. If anything I 'picked him'. I can't turn my back on him, what he's done is awful but he isn't an awful person, I know that in my heart. I feel like I'm spinning plates and not keeping any of them up. I'm hurting so much. I try to explain to my husband about the calls my son has made, the meetings he's had or has ahead, how he's trying to do what he can because he said he needs to know he's trying but when I do he says he doesn't want to know anything about it. I told him that coming on here, talking to the helpline, just getting it out of your head helps but he shot me down. We're taking it out on each other and it's killing me.

We made up this morning, had a talk and I cried solidly for 20 minutes. He's struggling and I get that. It will be two weeks since the knock tomorrow but it feels like years so I keep trying to fix what's left of our family unit. He asked me how I feel and I just said sad. I didn't even know sad could be so big. Its like grief.

I honestly feel worse today than the first few after the knock. Please tell me this will get better.

sadmum can I ask, how did you and your husband get through it? We had an almost marriage ending argument last night. He told me I'd picked my eldest over him and my youngest when I said I'd leave with the eldest to protect them. I haven't at all. I thought it was an option that might help. I also said just my son could live elsewhere if that was what they wanted. I told them, the police, the social worker, everyone, that my youngest is my priority. If anything I 'picked him'. I can't turn my back on him, what he's done is awful but he isn't an awful person, I know that in my heart. I feel like I'm spinning plates and not keeping any of them up. I'm hurting so much. I try to explain to my husband about the calls my son has made, the meetings he's had or has ahead, how he's trying to do what he can because he said he needs to know he's trying but when I do he says he doesn't want to know anything about it. I told him that coming on here, talking to the helpline, just getting it out of your head helps but he shot me down. We're taking it out on each other and it's killing me.

We made up this morning, had a talk and I cried solidly for 20 minutes. He's struggling and I get that. It will be two weeks since the knock tomorrow but it feels like years so I keep trying to fix what's left of our family unit. He asked me how I feel and I just said sad. I didn't even know sad could be so big. Its like grief.

I honestly feel worse today than the first few after the knock. Please tell me this will get better.

He isn't his real dad, we got together when he was 4.

He said after the initial shock that he was more hurt at the damage done to the family than what he'd done and that all he wanted to do what look after me and our youngest.

I suggested that maybe he felt differently because he wasn't his and he hit the roof, he said he'd never treated him differently and loved him just as much as our 15 year old and he does.

We tore strips off each other last night, it was horrible. I honestly thought our marriage was over.

It's better this evening, he still can't talk to or really look my son but he has bought him a new escooter this afternoon so he can get to work while he's not here to take him because he knows how much pain he's in from his accident.

I guess I just need to expect these bad times.