Walking away
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The knock came 2.5 years ago. I tried to stand by him but in the end, I couldn't do it. A few weeks ago I fled and came somewhere safe. Physically safe at least, my mental health is in tatters. I have recently lost my mum, my one source of support in all of this. Subsequently we lost our home. I was trying to find somewhere for us to go, but I didn't know the rules about where he could live and was terrified about what would happen when people found out. He wouldn't help me and I am in so much debt because of him - I couldn't cope any more. He was scaring me.
In 2.5 years there have been 2 interviews, no arrest yet. It has been torture. I only know what he's told me - Cat A, B and C. Possession and distributing (I only found out about the distributing because of an advisory on my dbs). I don't know how many images. He won't seek help. I tried to help him. I can't do it anymore. He's angry and afraid. He didn't even want me to speak to the helpline or post on here. He said it would make him look guilty. I've been so afraid and so alone. We have no children, which is for the best. But I wanted to be a mum. Now that will never happen. It's too late to start again and I'm too broken by it all.
I just got an enhanced DBS renewed at work and his crimes are on there as an advisory because we were living together and are married. My work say they want to support me but having his crime attached to my name makes me feel sick and ashamed. It took the local police force 8 months to make up their minds to add the advisory. I was terrified. I have no idea how to appeal it or even if I can. It arrived days after I left him.
I've left him now, moved away. It's hard - every day I fight the urge to contact him. I haven't spoken to him since I left. I feel so, so horrendous about it. I didn't even tell him it was over. But I knew if I spoke to him, I would crumble. Now the police, and the solicitor and the domestic abuse organisation tell me not to contact him. To block him everywhere or it could be seen as me breaking his bail conditions. I reported an assault against me, and he was arrested. But they didn't even tell me what he'd been arrested for. He's threatening to kill himself.
I'm on sick leave but I don't know if or how I'll keep my job. I'm breaking down. I've registered with a GP. I've been referred to the mental health crisis team. Most days I just shake, from the moment I wake up. I'm in pain. My whole body is tensed so hard and sometimes I feel totally numb, like I'm outside my own body. I'm afraid to go outside. I feel like I'm ripping my soul out. All I wanted was to love and support him. I've never wanted anyone else, from the moment I met him. I don't think I ever will.
I love him and care for him desperately but the relationship wasn't healthy. There had been violence and he was very controlling. I've reported the worst of it to the police now. I'm seeking support from a domestic abuse organisation. I feel like I'm betraying him, I can't accept in my heart that it was abusive, even if my head knows it was. I can't stop caring for him. He kept breaking bail trying to contact me - I've had to block him everywhere and change my number. I'm so afraid for him - he's totally alone now. But I can't carry this any more. I feel like my life is over, like I'm being punished when I've done nothing wrong. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really be free from all of this. I feel I have no choice but to leave him - but it doesn't feel like my choice. I was backed into a corner and I had nowhere left to go.
People say that he didn't think of me when he committed his crimes. That he betrayed me. That it wasn't love if it was abusive. It felt like love. And this is breaking my heart.
In 2.5 years there have been 2 interviews, no arrest yet. It has been torture. I only know what he's told me - Cat A, B and C. Possession and distributing (I only found out about the distributing because of an advisory on my dbs). I don't know how many images. He won't seek help. I tried to help him. I can't do it anymore. He's angry and afraid. He didn't even want me to speak to the helpline or post on here. He said it would make him look guilty. I've been so afraid and so alone. We have no children, which is for the best. But I wanted to be a mum. Now that will never happen. It's too late to start again and I'm too broken by it all.
I just got an enhanced DBS renewed at work and his crimes are on there as an advisory because we were living together and are married. My work say they want to support me but having his crime attached to my name makes me feel sick and ashamed. It took the local police force 8 months to make up their minds to add the advisory. I was terrified. I have no idea how to appeal it or even if I can. It arrived days after I left him.
I've left him now, moved away. It's hard - every day I fight the urge to contact him. I haven't spoken to him since I left. I feel so, so horrendous about it. I didn't even tell him it was over. But I knew if I spoke to him, I would crumble. Now the police, and the solicitor and the domestic abuse organisation tell me not to contact him. To block him everywhere or it could be seen as me breaking his bail conditions. I reported an assault against me, and he was arrested. But they didn't even tell me what he'd been arrested for. He's threatening to kill himself.
I'm on sick leave but I don't know if or how I'll keep my job. I'm breaking down. I've registered with a GP. I've been referred to the mental health crisis team. Most days I just shake, from the moment I wake up. I'm in pain. My whole body is tensed so hard and sometimes I feel totally numb, like I'm outside my own body. I'm afraid to go outside. I feel like I'm ripping my soul out. All I wanted was to love and support him. I've never wanted anyone else, from the moment I met him. I don't think I ever will.
I love him and care for him desperately but the relationship wasn't healthy. There had been violence and he was very controlling. I've reported the worst of it to the police now. I'm seeking support from a domestic abuse organisation. I feel like I'm betraying him, I can't accept in my heart that it was abusive, even if my head knows it was. I can't stop caring for him. He kept breaking bail trying to contact me - I've had to block him everywhere and change my number. I'm so afraid for him - he's totally alone now. But I can't carry this any more. I feel like my life is over, like I'm being punished when I've done nothing wrong. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really be free from all of this. I feel I have no choice but to leave him - but it doesn't feel like my choice. I was backed into a corner and I had nowhere left to go.
People say that he didn't think of me when he committed his crimes. That he betrayed me. That it wasn't love if it was abusive. It felt like love. And this is breaking my heart.
Hi Apricot,
I'm so sorry to read your post - it makes me feel terribly sad. It sounds as if you've endured some true hardships lately especially with losing your mum so I really want to offer some hugs, love and support.
I'm afraid I don't have any advice really, but it sounds as if you've done right thing. The real twist of the knife in these crimes (for me personally) is when these men refuse to seek help as we cannot move forward in any aspect of life. It is unfair for your person to be projecting their fears on to you, and then denying you the support you need to get through this.
I do want to say though that you should be really proud of yourself for looking after your own mental and physical health, along with sharing your story here. Leaving someone is never easy, nevermind having to leave a whole life behind so allow yourself to grieve and focus on you.
To give advice, if any, is just to practice some selfcare in the next few weeks and keep busy. There is still a life to be had after all this. It's ok to have negative thoughts but don't let them consume you. You have absolutely done the right thing.
Sending lots of love and hugs.x
I'm so sorry to read your post - it makes me feel terribly sad. It sounds as if you've endured some true hardships lately especially with losing your mum so I really want to offer some hugs, love and support.
I'm afraid I don't have any advice really, but it sounds as if you've done right thing. The real twist of the knife in these crimes (for me personally) is when these men refuse to seek help as we cannot move forward in any aspect of life. It is unfair for your person to be projecting their fears on to you, and then denying you the support you need to get through this.
I do want to say though that you should be really proud of yourself for looking after your own mental and physical health, along with sharing your story here. Leaving someone is never easy, nevermind having to leave a whole life behind so allow yourself to grieve and focus on you.
To give advice, if any, is just to practice some selfcare in the next few weeks and keep busy. There is still a life to be had after all this. It's ok to have negative thoughts but don't let them consume you. You have absolutely done the right thing.
Sending lots of love and hugs.x
Your post is heartbreaking - I'm so sorry that you're in this situation.
I just want to send love and strength.. lots of love and lots of strength x x x
I just want to send love and strength.. lots of love and lots of strength x x x
Apricot
I am so sorry for what you are going through I don't have much advice other than put yourself first, you have done nothing wrong, seek help again from.your GP
Sending love and strength to you xx
I am so sorry for what you are going through I don't have much advice other than put yourself first, you have done nothing wrong, seek help again from.your GP
Sending love and strength to you xx
Hi,
im so sorry to read your post. It sounds like you are having a very tough time. Please take care and sending you lots of love and strength xxx
im so sorry to read your post. It sounds like you are having a very tough time. Please take care and sending you lots of love and strength xxx
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I have no advise, I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. Just sending you love x
Time is a great healer. Keep putt8ng yourself first.
Time is a great healer. Keep putt8ng yourself first.
I would be prioritising your DBS and asking the police why that's on there if he hasn't been charged!! I would be furious!!! Especially as you are not living together.. christ that is so rubbish for you!
Hi, thank you for the replies. My post was long and rambling and I wasn't very clear about the DBS or his arrest. It is confusing as so much has happened in a short space of time. My partner was arrested for assault against me. The arrest took place a few days after I left. He was bailed with conditions that he couldn't contact me. He broke those conditions, trying to say goodbye as he intended to kill himself. He didn't hurt himself thank god.
The advisory is on my DBS and explicitly says that he is under investigation and has been interviewed twice, with the dates. It says the advisory has been added due to the fact that we live together and are married and basically that he could get access to children through me. It's horrific. To my knowledge he has never been arrested or charged for those crimes. It has been 2.5 years since the knock and it has felt like torture. I only left about a month ago so wouldn't have made a difference to my DBS. I feel like I'll never really be free right now. I am a complete mess. I don't know if anyone else here has ever struggled leaving a partner in this situation, the guilt and feeling that I am abandoning him is the worst part. But it couldn't go on. I was falling apart.
The advisory is on my DBS and explicitly says that he is under investigation and has been interviewed twice, with the dates. It says the advisory has been added due to the fact that we live together and are married and basically that he could get access to children through me. It's horrific. To my knowledge he has never been arrested or charged for those crimes. It has been 2.5 years since the knock and it has felt like torture. I only left about a month ago so wouldn't have made a difference to my DBS. I feel like I'll never really be free right now. I am a complete mess. I don't know if anyone else here has ever struggled leaving a partner in this situation, the guilt and feeling that I am abandoning him is the worst part. But it couldn't go on. I was falling apart.
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Apricot,
You deserve so much more and you will get it too! You're so brave and so strong for doing what you have done, it's not easy. I can understand you still love him and this is very difficult but we need to remember that we don't physically hurt people we love no matter what and it's not acceptable. Take some time to heal and work on you and what you want. The debt - you can sort, money isn't everything, I left my ex completely drained and £15k in debt and now I'm almost out the other side, StepChange may be able to help you, there are many organisations to help. When you feel like going back, remember what he has done to you and put you through - we don't hurt people we love. You are free from someone who has consistently hurt you and it doesn't feel like it now but you will soon. The world is your oyster and you absolutely can rebuild and come back from this. We are all here for you and rooting for you. Lots of love and hugs xxx
You deserve so much more and you will get it too! You're so brave and so strong for doing what you have done, it's not easy. I can understand you still love him and this is very difficult but we need to remember that we don't physically hurt people we love no matter what and it's not acceptable. Take some time to heal and work on you and what you want. The debt - you can sort, money isn't everything, I left my ex completely drained and £15k in debt and now I'm almost out the other side, StepChange may be able to help you, there are many organisations to help. When you feel like going back, remember what he has done to you and put you through - we don't hurt people we love. You are free from someone who has consistently hurt you and it doesn't feel like it now but you will soon. The world is your oyster and you absolutely can rebuild and come back from this. We are all here for you and rooting for you. Lots of love and hugs xxx
My heart breaks for you but you will come out the other side even stronger. Any domestic abuse is wrong and you are not to blame. If he cannot accept admit or seek help there is nothing more you can do for him. Rebuild your life, take any help offered from the charities, stepchange can help with debt, and citizens advice etc. ensure you get some counselling, ring them helpline, good luck and the world can be your oyster x
Dear Apricot,
I left. I had to. I felt bad for leaving, like I’d let him down, he was alone, but I had to look out for myself, it was him that let me down. Every day I wanted to contact him, it was like part of me was missing, but that wouldn’t help either of us. It was so hard,I had all the horror of the beginning come back, it was worse second time around, I had a breakdown. It’s been six months now and I am getting better, I am finding myself. The one thing I realised after I’d left is I had lost myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore. So I’ve been working on discovering me and I’m getting back to my old self. My friends have been amazing, keeping me busy and planning things for the future. Work was great, I told my boss and he’s been so understanding, life can be good again. I hadn’t noticed the change in me until one day I thought I’m alive! I’m living again, doing the normal stuff I used to. He is still in my head but I can handle it better now. So I just want to say it will get better, easier as time goes on, you just have to let go. Go find yourself, that person that you were before all this, before the abuse, look at yourself in a different light and you will start living again. Sending lots of love to you, you’ve done the hard bit, be strong, be brave xx
I left. I had to. I felt bad for leaving, like I’d let him down, he was alone, but I had to look out for myself, it was him that let me down. Every day I wanted to contact him, it was like part of me was missing, but that wouldn’t help either of us. It was so hard,I had all the horror of the beginning come back, it was worse second time around, I had a breakdown. It’s been six months now and I am getting better, I am finding myself. The one thing I realised after I’d left is I had lost myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore. So I’ve been working on discovering me and I’m getting back to my old self. My friends have been amazing, keeping me busy and planning things for the future. Work was great, I told my boss and he’s been so understanding, life can be good again. I hadn’t noticed the change in me until one day I thought I’m alive! I’m living again, doing the normal stuff I used to. He is still in my head but I can handle it better now. So I just want to say it will get better, easier as time goes on, you just have to let go. Go find yourself, that person that you were before all this, before the abuse, look at yourself in a different light and you will start living again. Sending lots of love to you, you’ve done the hard bit, be strong, be brave xx