Self management
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I've been pondering why I find my predicament so difficult to deal with, when I have had difficulties, disappointments and tragedies and failures in my life before and got through them.
I have turned to that helpful advisor Google which has thrown up many article son how to deal with adversity, grief, uncertainty, betrayal, isolation, relationship problems and a the other horrible things we as relatives or partners of someone accused of these crimes. It quickly becomes obvious why we are all suffering such mental distress.
For example, we can't necessarily lean on our friends and family for support. For some of us confiding in others who have turned out to be less than supportive, this has merely added to our distress.
We can't stop ruminating over what might happen, because the outcomes are pretty much completely out of our hands.
We can't discount the worst case scenarios (suicides, long prison sentences, vigilante action, media shaming) as being extremely remote and implausible. We can't discount the possibility of our loved ones lives being blighted for ever. For the same reason, we cant allow ourselves the luxury of everything turning out well, and our lives going back to normal.
We can't make sure we get plenty of sleep when we keep waking in the night and lie there brooding over the situation.
Equally, we can't meditate, or exercise, our way out of this.
I appreciate there is some support out there, various charities and helplines offering counselling and support, but not enough, and while they are helpful, and it would be unreasonable to expect them to make the problem go away, when you are in limbo land between arrest/charges and court/sentencing, it is an unacceptable form of mental torture. It's shocking that this situation for families, and especially children, is not recognised nor cared about by the authorities.
Feeling fed up and isolated.
I have turned to that helpful advisor Google which has thrown up many article son how to deal with adversity, grief, uncertainty, betrayal, isolation, relationship problems and a the other horrible things we as relatives or partners of someone accused of these crimes. It quickly becomes obvious why we are all suffering such mental distress.
For example, we can't necessarily lean on our friends and family for support. For some of us confiding in others who have turned out to be less than supportive, this has merely added to our distress.
We can't stop ruminating over what might happen, because the outcomes are pretty much completely out of our hands.
We can't discount the worst case scenarios (suicides, long prison sentences, vigilante action, media shaming) as being extremely remote and implausible. We can't discount the possibility of our loved ones lives being blighted for ever. For the same reason, we cant allow ourselves the luxury of everything turning out well, and our lives going back to normal.
We can't make sure we get plenty of sleep when we keep waking in the night and lie there brooding over the situation.
Equally, we can't meditate, or exercise, our way out of this.
I appreciate there is some support out there, various charities and helplines offering counselling and support, but not enough, and while they are helpful, and it would be unreasonable to expect them to make the problem go away, when you are in limbo land between arrest/charges and court/sentencing, it is an unacceptable form of mental torture. It's shocking that this situation for families, and especially children, is not recognised nor cared about by the authorities.
Feeling fed up and isolated.
Eloquently put thoughts there Bitterbean.
This truly is mental torture.
That is the plain, raw reality for us all.
Torture.
This truly is mental torture.
That is the plain, raw reality for us all.
Torture.
So true :( I'm at a loss today I don't think I can take much more . I don't want help from charities or go ect I just want it to get sorted so I can deal with what I have at hand and then move on or forward. I have never know anything like this mental torture and I have had some issues in my time . I have soldiered on over a year and the time have seen horrible and making things so much worse for when the truth comes out . I want to go back to work I'm on maternity and to much time to think but I also wanted to know the media outcome before I go back . I wanted to cha he my role and become a nursey nurse but that will be out the question now . So I have so many aspects of life unknown xxx
Thank you Bitterbean. You have managed to put into words the huge problems we are faced with. Reading this has, in a strange way helped as I really could not understand why I am unable to move foreword. As you know I was feeling really down and isolated the other day. Feeling a bit better until the next wave. I am getting counselling but it is one hour in a whole week. I am having to go back to work next week after a lengthy sick spell. I am dreading it. I will have to explain to my lovely colleagues who I work closely with and who do not know the situation why I have been off sick, without actually telling them, as I am not usually secretive. But also mindful that they may find out in a later date so do not want to make fools of them. I also now have to start facing people which i am equally dreading. I know some people in my office (its a big office) know all about me as it was in the local papers. I do not know how i am going to cope. I got angry with my oH as he does not have these problems. When he is feeling down he just hides away!
I'm sure I'm not the only one that wakes up in the middle of the night and wonder if it's all a bad dream.
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Hi Parkerpoo1
Im two years down the line and believe me (honestly) your life WILL adjust. Its all so shocking and painful at the beginning, my heart goes out to you.
People deal with this crime so differently and need time to digest it and work out personal feelings, feelings that could possibly change as time marches on.
Keep strong x
Im two years down the line and believe me (honestly) your life WILL adjust. Its all so shocking and painful at the beginning, my heart goes out to you.
People deal with this crime so differently and need time to digest it and work out personal feelings, feelings that could possibly change as time marches on.
Keep strong x
Lost123
Thanks for the book recommendation, I will certainly check that out, and the post.
I do try to find positives and things that help, but it is such an awful situation that families are put in. Clearly from some posts I can see some of you have managed to emerge from the pit of misery I find myself in. I can only hope that I'll get there myself at some point.
I read this evening, I think it was Newlady, saying that she had to let go of her dreams of the future she thought she was going to have. I think I need to do this too, but it's *so* hard.
Counselling helps, gives you someone safe to talk to/unload onto, and can help to gain some perspective. It can even help you plan what to do next.
Except you can't plan, because you don't know what's going to happen next, and you can't control what happens next, and you don't know when "what happens next" is actually going to happen. It could be tomorrow, next week, or next year.
"what happens next" could be a shock reveal from your person, rejection from a friend or family member who no longer wants to be in contact with you, an update call from the police, a letter containing charges, a court invitation, a family member self harming, a visit from social services, a plea hearing, a sentencing hearing, abuse from neighbours or vigilantes, a boss who wants to "have a word", a newspaper article naming and shaming your person and giving the name of your street, hateful messages on social media, being forced to leave your home, authority figures who want to force you to disclose to friends, family or employers, or to tell your children details about what your person has done. Asking invasive questions about your life.
You don't know when or where your support is going to come from when dealing with whatever "what happens next" is, because some of the support you thought you had can suddenly crumble away,( and some support might be found from the most unlikely and unexpected sources)
Nothing is known for certain, and nothing can be relied upon or taken as given, even those we thought we loved and trusted the most. You can read all the advice in the world on how to deal with uncertainty, but what is certain is that none of it will be applicable to the circumstances we find ourselves in. We just have to find a way to cope and survive. It's a kind of mental apocalypse, leaving your mind and soul like a nuclear wasteland.
Somehow we all have to find a way to rise from the ashes.
Thanks for the book recommendation, I will certainly check that out, and the post.
I do try to find positives and things that help, but it is such an awful situation that families are put in. Clearly from some posts I can see some of you have managed to emerge from the pit of misery I find myself in. I can only hope that I'll get there myself at some point.
I read this evening, I think it was Newlady, saying that she had to let go of her dreams of the future she thought she was going to have. I think I need to do this too, but it's *so* hard.
Counselling helps, gives you someone safe to talk to/unload onto, and can help to gain some perspective. It can even help you plan what to do next.
Except you can't plan, because you don't know what's going to happen next, and you can't control what happens next, and you don't know when "what happens next" is actually going to happen. It could be tomorrow, next week, or next year.
"what happens next" could be a shock reveal from your person, rejection from a friend or family member who no longer wants to be in contact with you, an update call from the police, a letter containing charges, a court invitation, a family member self harming, a visit from social services, a plea hearing, a sentencing hearing, abuse from neighbours or vigilantes, a boss who wants to "have a word", a newspaper article naming and shaming your person and giving the name of your street, hateful messages on social media, being forced to leave your home, authority figures who want to force you to disclose to friends, family or employers, or to tell your children details about what your person has done. Asking invasive questions about your life.
You don't know when or where your support is going to come from when dealing with whatever "what happens next" is, because some of the support you thought you had can suddenly crumble away,( and some support might be found from the most unlikely and unexpected sources)
Nothing is known for certain, and nothing can be relied upon or taken as given, even those we thought we loved and trusted the most. You can read all the advice in the world on how to deal with uncertainty, but what is certain is that none of it will be applicable to the circumstances we find ourselves in. We just have to find a way to cope and survive. It's a kind of mental apocalypse, leaving your mind and soul like a nuclear wasteland.
Somehow we all have to find a way to rise from the ashes.
Thank you Lost123
I've been in a bit of a negative spiral these last few days, but I have managed to reconnect with a valued family member, which has been a good thing. I guess as you say, live in the now, take each day at a time and celebrate the small wins and joys as they happen.
And you are so right about the illusion of control.
I've been in a bit of a negative spiral these last few days, but I have managed to reconnect with a valued family member, which has been a good thing. I guess as you say, live in the now, take each day at a time and celebrate the small wins and joys as they happen.
And you are so right about the illusion of control.
As an update, apologies to all for my doom and gloom posts of the last couple of days, I think I have been having one of those "dark nights of the soul" times, and I am actually feeling much better today. Been thinking things through and my options and starting to see a way of moving forward emotionally, if not in actuality.