Family and Friends Forum

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My ex partner served one year sentence. He was in the protection wing which if your partner is given a custodial sentence he can request the same.

Similarly to what the poster said above. People don't tend to ask what each other are in for. Majority are on their best behaviour as any strikes I.e fights where its their fault etc they are removed from the wing. My ex's conviction was in our local tabloids so It would of been easy to know what he was in for. Same for alot of the people who were in his wing, I was able to find them online.

I was nervous the full year he was inside with nerves someone would do something to him. He kept his head down and got different jobs within the wing - laundry, gym etc to keep busy. His was also an educational prison whereby you do classes so he got cleaning qualifications and also had math clases, art etc. He had people that he spoke with within the wing and they were in for a broad range of different offences.

He called me most days so I knew he was safe and I went to see him when I could too. Very surreal at first but you get used to going there very quickly.

My ex had less than 100 images so it's really hard to predict their sentence.

My person is currently in prison. He's just gone the 5 month mark with 15 to go. As the others have said, my person has never felt scared or at risk, he was obviously unsure at first and very nervous, but he's settled now.

As others have said, people don't talk about why they are there. While there are a few disturbances (if there are they are mainly mental health related) the wing seems mostly calm. The main thing for him was adjusting to the boredom and lack of autonomy over his life. Unlike the films, they don't get a lot of time out of their rooms to do any kind of "socialising" and whilst it's very boring, there is comfort in that I guess there is less chance for something to "going wrong". He works (full time now) and is a mentor at his work. He's been given some fairly generic rehabilitation work from his Offender Manager. He's able to go to the gym a couple do times during the week and days when he's not working he goes to the yard exercise (walk). He's also studying now. When all of these things are able to go ahead, he keeps his head down and the time passes. When they are cancelled (mostly staff shortages) its hard because its boring. Everything takes so long in prison too/ seem hard to progress, but if you persever it is possible to get things going from our experience.

We email, write, call and leave voicemail. It's not easy (or cheap) but so far we are surviving but it's testing and I can't be sure we'll survive. I visit too and as another post has said, it's surreal but I've been quite a few times now and it's become easier.

You mentioned not being able to process your emotions, I can relate to this. For different reasons to yours, but I too was thrown into adjusting to life with a partner going to prison very shortly (although he was not in remand). I threw all my energies into helping him. I would try really hard to start thinking of yourself though and trying to process what has happened. I did have counselling that started a before he was sentenced and stopped shortly after, but I still don't I've full processed everything - I kept / keep thinking when x, y and z happens I will go back to my counsellor. I'm learning that there will always be something else related to him that I'll want to do before helping myself, it's a button I need to switch and I think I'd have found it easier of I'd done that from the beginning.

HI SAL,

I remember it costing loads at first when he first went in as we used email a prisoner and he would call my mobile. I'm sure we changed something for it to cost less. I think it may of been an app prisonervoicemail and signed up for a number? Something also makes me think it ended up being free for me for him to call in the end too but I'm not sure of that was due to being in covid they were issued mobiles to their cells. It was 2 years ago so my memory is already a bit fuzzy on the details. X

Thanks for the suggestion. We use the Prison Voicemail App. It does cost him less to call that and it's handy because I can switch it to not receive calls when I'm not free to talk and back on when I am, we can also leave messages for one another - It's great for that. The calling is the same price as calling a landline but as I'm using his money for the app, it doesn't really save him money overall. We did discuss sorting out a landline phone for my house to save some money.

I mostly pay for everything else and with this visits (3 hours drive), emails, buying him books and clothes it all adds up, but I'm also grateful I'm in a position to help.

For the OP, we can also have a video call once a month, which I really love, it feels relaxed and I can show him bits n pieces.

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As for trying to second guess the outcomes, it's so hard. Ecah case is so different. Even now I feel so frustrated reading cases where people have got less for more than my person

He refused to take any of the advise I saw on here and left it to his barrister - As a result the judge only saw the very worst parts of and no other side. There is lots of advise on here about him writing his own personal statement and other people writing character references, that's something he could be working on. It will have helped that he plead guilty at the earliest opportunity in that he should get full third deduction from his sentence. Whether or not a judge would seem that as something that shows taking responsibility and acknowledging the seriousness of his crime is very dependant on the judge, his barrister may highlight this to the judge whilst fighting your person's corner.

They don't mix with other wings, everything is seperate - Yard, gym, work, visits, video call, education (or at least this is the case where my person is). As for worrying about his safety, I've never felt that he's been in danger, that helps, I learnt very early on to switch off from the worry or even thinking about him being there because there is nothing I can do and because I honestly think that if I think about it too much I'll either leave him because I can't cope or drive myself to be even more mentally unwell than I already am. Whilst I worry about him, I didn't commit the crime, I can be heart broken for many things and sad but I need to try avoiding it being a sentence for me too. It's his price to pay.

He's only just started the course. One is victim empathy and one is on de escalation. I think he'll benefit from the victim empathy, it's something he started with a therapist before sentencing and the penny dropped at how much he'd have hurt and disappointed many people in his life in the way he's behaved (lots of sexual infidelity, spanning many years - Not with me, although I'm aware of what a fool I must say to believe that). I think a lot of these crimes don't consider the victims so although generic, it's good he's doing them. They are all through workbooks.

In regards to support for you, it's important you talk to therapists trained in this area. Stop So is a organisation that can put you in contact with a suitable therapist. It's also so important that you look after yourself and process this whole situation independently from his needs.

He didn't do a personal statement or ask for a character reference. The judge saw the evidence for the offence, some other conversation related to sex that weren't in themselves illegal but weren't pleasant. So this is all the judge saw of him. Didn't see that there was another side to him and that he had support (albeit limited because he's decided not to tell anyone and fully expected people to disown him).

In regards to lengthy, my person was looking at anything up to 11 years based on the guidelance. He recieved 40 months. I've seen very few non contact cases go beyond 48 - 52. You can look at the charge and the sentencing guidelines. I expected 36 months when I interpreted the guidelines.

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From what i can see from some things in prison, seems that sometimes they work back from the release date, therfore those in for longer sentences get the work later. Which seems daft, the longer they've been able to make use of the work, the better surely. There could bs an argument that it'll be closer to the time of their release therefor fresher... But if its a good course then surely it should stick.

As mentioned its very generic and not relaxed to the specific offence. Either way, I'm grateful he has something, it makes him feel his time is not "wasted" think he feels this as a individual and as a tax payer.

Thanks SAL, yes I'm thinking treatment programs will be later in my son's sentence. I think it ought to be addressed early on in the sentence too while the offence is still fresh in the mind...... still, it is what it is.

He tells me the wings can be a little territorial - but intimidation and name calling is classed as bullying and treated very seriously. He said there can be clashes between different cultures, but once again dealt with promptly. The last thing they want is 'unrest'.

Hi Lucy,

I'm not sure how I coped at the time if I'm honest. The daily phone calls helped and if you've been with the person awhile you'll probably know by their voice how their really feeling. I'm some ways covid helped me for some months as I knew he was locked up 23 hours of the day (he would of rather not of been locked up however and been able to go about the wing).

In the prison he was in they don't associate with other wings. So they have seperate gym times and library etc. Also seperated yard outside. During visits the jail would go on lockdown as people were brought from the protection wing to a holding cell before their visit so they wouldn't bump into any other prisoners from main wings on their way although everyone is accompied by guards they don't take the risk. Our visits were in a massive room and it has prisoner's from all different wings however it was never an issue. I never witnessed anything happening to anyone in the visiting hall and everyone was really friendly. There's that many different main wings that people would just assume you're from another wing.

I signed up for a number on the prison voicemail app and it meant calls were slightly cheaper for us both. Again I think we benefitted that each person was given a mobile they could use as it was during covid and this also meant the cost went down as it didn't cost me to recieve after that happened. Again, we were probably fortunate he was in during covid albeit visits were cancelled for awhile too, as I wasn't spending money as much at home. If it was to happen now I'd be in a very different situation money wise with the added cost of that.

The video calls are good but I felt a bit uneasy through them as the guards were able to listen in and see your conversations. I'm assuming they do this for security reasons as there are rules of things you can't do whilst you're on the video calls but it did put me off that knowing that.

Kate x

It was about 5 months after. His roommate started earlier with a in class course, but I don't know what this was. He is also in for less time than my person. It seems that they might in some cases work back from release date to ensure most people get some kind of help.

Its good his solicitor hasn't discouraged him, but as they've said it's hard to know whether it'll help. I'm so angry at my person for not doing it.

It's always hard to tell where the final sentencing will sit, but as mentioned earlier I've seen very few cases go much over half the top sentencing range.

I loved our relation and we were planning on things he'd never wanted before - Marriage, family, joint finances. We both felt we'd found our "home" with one another and now I wonder if I will find the same strength or have the same confidence in our feelings towards one another because how will I ever trust that he wants to be with me for me and not just because he'll find it hard to find another relationship. On the other side I too find him being so grateful for everything and I sometimes sense that when he is frustrated with me or I've upset him, he tries to hide it because he doesn't want to upset me for fear I'll walk away. I tell him he has to be open and honest and that I don't want him to feel eternally grateful at the expense of expense of suppressing showing his true emotions - It's not sustainable. If I'm doing this, I'm in for the long haul.

What aspect is it you find difficult with the communication? The time, the emotion? I find it really hard on both aspects some times too and sometimes I won't answer the phone to him because i feel we've spoken too much (he can leave a message) - As I say, I'm in for the long haul therfore I need to look after me too.

A way I've found to write him a letter that is easy is in the notes section of my phone, I write little things to him about my day, things that are happening, that I find funny. I do a little update once a day and then print it off once a week and sometimes include pictures. I found this was less consuming than sitting down to write a letter. I also found it helped for me as it kind of replaced the messages we use to send to each other throughout the day.

If you look on the Gov website it will tell you what video call provider they use. You sign up and then I think they can request a call with you once your profile has been approved.