Family and Friends Forum

Welshgirl

Member since
September 2022

6 posts

Posted Mon September 26, 2022 12:59pmReport post

My 17 year old son has had his phone and computer confiscated by the police this week. I don't know the extent of what he has been watching, but my mind is imagining the very worst.

I am petrified. I have no idea what to expect over the coming weeks and months. I simply don't know how I will get through tomorrow, trying to be there for him because much as I love him and always will, I cannot square the lovely, kind hearted thoughtful boy I thought I knew with what he has done. It sounds like an unhealthy addiction to porn has led him to view illegal images and while I can almost see how an immature boy can end up there I am driving myself mad with the thought that he wasn't absolutely disgusted and horrified and instead chose to view more over the last year.



His Dad is being amazing with him but my emotions are all over the place. I also have a daughter and the helpline have told me that SS will have to interview her. I had naively thought we could insulate her from this, now I know this will change their relationship forever.

He is meant to be doing A levels this year, possibly heading to university. He thinks his life is ruined and what if he's right? And what if he decides he can't live with it either? Some of the timescales I've read on this forum are way longer than I imagined and I don't know how we will survive.



I am so scared.

Mandymoo

Member since
September 2021

289 posts

Posted Mon September 26, 2022 1:50pmReport post

There's quite a lot of mums on here so you're not alone. So glad his dad is ok with him, so many can't handle it. It's very early days yet(think most of us feel we,ll never get through it but we do). This is becoming such a common problem now the majority of cases take months even years for something to happen. His life is definitely not over And just keep reassuring him you'll not abandon him. I know from reading posts on here how easy it is for these young men to get caught up in this. It doesn't mean they are monsters or bad. We are all here for you but I would suggest you ring the helpline x

AnotherMum

Member since
January 2022

74 posts

Posted Mon September 26, 2022 6:19pmReport post

I'm so sorry that you've found yourself here, part of a club no one wants to be a member of.

It was also my son who offended, as a result of depression, low self esteem and a long term porn addiction.

As you have said, both I and my husband found it very difficult to try to reconcile our kind, helpful, caring son with the type of person who could look at such horrendous images. However, it is my deeply held belief that they just do not see what they are looking at as 'real'. I think because it is on the computer they explain it to themselves as 'fiction' and it is not until something happens that they are forced to face reality and the shocking realisation that what they've been watching was real. Once this is realised, they are disgusted with themselves and horrified at what they have done.

My son did the StopSo modules and a course with SaferLives, as well as having therapy. He has taken full responsibility for his actions and is determined to move on, although this will be difficult.

Your son is young, he needs to work on understanding what was behind his actions and will need all the support you can give because, sadly, the timescale for these offences can be horrendous.

You will find a lot of help and advice on this forum, come here as much as you need, even if just to vent. You must look after yourself so you can help everyone else, hugs to you xx

Alison20

Member since
March 2021

357 posts

Posted Mon September 26, 2022 8:08pmReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Mon September 26, 2022 8:10pm

Alison20

Member since
March 2021

357 posts

Posted Mon September 26, 2022 8:11pmReport post

I am so sorry you find yourself here.

When is your son 18 years old? I am only asking as it would be better for him

to go through the system as a youth, if this is at all possible.

I would recommend you look at Just for Kids Law website, a london based charity.

(you do not need to live in London to make contact with them). Here is a link to a legal guide they have written which may be of interest to you:-

www.justforkidslaw.org/sites/default/files/fields/download/YJLC%20turning%2018%20legal%20guide%20%28June%202020%29.pdf

You have no control over the police timescales, but we did keep regularly

reminding

the police that the member of our family was soon to be 18 years of age

(via our solicitor) and he attended Youth Court within days of his 18th birthday (after waiting over 13 months) . We counted ourselves very fortunate that this happened before he reached 18 years of age.

I just felt it was important to draw your attention to it, if you are not already

aware of this.

Thinking of you, your son and family.



Sorry for the formatting, not working!

Edited Mon September 26, 2022 8:13pm

Alison20

Member since
March 2021

357 posts

Posted Mon September 26, 2022 9:13pmReport post

I would also like to add it would be good for you to contact the Stop It Now helpline.

Your son could do the Young Person Inform Course which is completely free as he is under 18 years old . The young person in our family did this course and it made a huge difference to him in understanding how and why he had found himself in this mess.

Welshgirl

Member since
September 2022

6 posts

Posted Mon September 26, 2022 10:05pmReport post

Thank you, all of you, for taking time to comment. It makes me desperately sad that so many of us have had to endure this. I had no idea.


My husband saw a solicitor today and my son has enrolled on the Inform programme. It's the waiting that I am finding unbearable, especially reading about the long, long waits. He will turn 18 within 6 months and it's not going to be done by then it is?

I need to find someone to talk to, but I don't want to pluck a counsellor out of the phone book. I can't bear the thought of us all carrying this secret for ever, potentially. How have you coped? Have you confided in friends or family and have they rejected him? What was the outcome when your son went before the Youth Court? When the police arrived to take his stuff away apparently they told my husband that the best outcome here would be a caution, horrified at the time now I know more I would bite their hands off for that.

Thanks for reading, your posts give me some hope that we will survive this.

Alison20

Member since
March 2021

357 posts

Posted Mon September 26, 2022 11:05pmReport post

Hello WelshGirl

You have six months before your son is 18 years old. From our experience I would let the OIC know your son will be 18 soon and if there is anyway his case can be looked at and processed before he turns 18. He was a youth when they confiscated his devices and he should also be tried as a Youth throughout this process.

For example say if your son received a caution, for a youth this is spent straight away and will not show up on any future DBS checks. If your son turns 18 and then receives an adult caution it can show on a standard DBS check for at least 6 years (and will show forever if the offence can not be filtered)

The young person in our family received a referral order from the Youth Court. After completing the order with the Youth Justice team which comprised of similar work as the Young Person Inform Plus Course, volunteering in the community and some reparation work, his conviction became spent. He is continuing with his education and getting on with his life, so there is hope for your son to still do what he wants to do.

I hope this helps in some way.

Edited Tue September 27, 2022 8:35am

AnotherMum

Member since
January 2022

74 posts

Posted Tue September 27, 2022 7:36amReport post

Hi Welsh girl

You should be able to find a counsellor for yourself or your son through Stopso. I'd advise calling them as we used the contact form and never heard back from that.

Telling friends and family is a very difficult thing. My daughter hasn't spoken to my son since she found out 2 years ago. She talks to me about him, but will have nothing to do with him herself. In reality, this has limited impact as she lives 3 hours drive away.

We have not told anyone else. I have good days and bad days, it is what it is, sadly.

Stay strong xx

Edited Tue September 27, 2022 8:53pm

Daffodil

Member since
March 2022

965 posts

Posted Sat October 15, 2022 5:55amReport post

Post deleted


Edited Tue October 24, 2023 9:12am

Loulou22

Member since
October 2022

50 posts

Posted Sat November 5, 2022 11:00amReport post

Hi Welshgirl, we had the knock in relation to our son almost exactly the same time as you and I was wondering how you are all doing?

Welshgirl

Member since
September 2022

6 posts

Posted Wed December 21, 2022 7:35amReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Wed December 21, 2022 7:35am

Welshgirl

Member since
September 2022

6 posts

Posted Wed December 21, 2022 7:35amReport post

Since I posted last, in the early days of my son's ordeal, I found I had to take myself off the forum as it was too upsetting. Although I was checking back periodically to see if anyone was sharing similar situations to my mine (17 year old son), I have learnt that there is absolutely no uniform process for how they are treated or what the outcome is.

We have been unbelievably lucky and heard yesterday, almost 3 months to the day that the police arrived, that he will get a Youth Conditional Caution, which will last 12 weeks, and that's the end of it, no sex offenders register. There will be conditions alongside the caution, but mainly involving educating him. He is already engaged with the Stop in Now Inform young people's programme. the alternative was court, an easy conviction for the police as he has never denied having the images and being tried as an adult as he will turn 18 in a matter of weeks. The fact they can be tried for offences committed as a child in an adult court, with all of the potential publicity that goes with it is shocking and has been my biggest fear throughout.



I can't explain why we have been so lucky, a lot of the way his case has progressed doesn't tally with what I've read from other Experiences on here. They confiscated his phone, laptop and desktop, but didn't send them off for forensics, returned his computers after 4 weeks and destroyed his phone. He was interviewed by the police after 4 weeks and then referred to this Panel to decide if he would gibe eligible for this caution or go to court. As a result of that he has worked with a youth offending team worker and an organization who specialize in sexual offenses. He said everyone has been unbelievably kind towards him and he has been very open with them. There has been no mention of this going to the CPS, I think the decision has been taken entirely by this panel.



I have truly hated the involvement of the social workers, although again she has been very kind towards us and I believe she has fought my son's corner. However, I have not been impressed by the quality of the people I have met, the report she has written contains errors and I think we actually had a communication problem (English was not her first language) which surely could have been catastrophic. I appreciate that the nature of their job means they must be suspicious but the power they wield is scary considering the caliber of the people I have met. Because of their involvement, we had to tell my 15 year old daughter and that has been awful. She is upset, confused and it has changed the way she looks at her brother. I just hope not permanently.



Stop It Now have been invaluable. I have also found a wonderful contact at Safer Lives who gave me some very good no nonsense advice. Overall we have been given conflicting advice from different people, from being told by the police at the start that a caution would be the best outcome, to that a caution would not be possible due to the category of images, to the fact that he would have to move out of the home as we had a 15 year old. That he would definitely be on the Sex offenders register. We have been told this would take more than a year and here we are after 3 months. We paid privately for a psychiatric assessment for my son, which has put him on the autistic spectrum. This has definitely gone in his favour.



For weeks, I couldn't look at my son. I couldn't believe that he had looked at that stuff, not been disgusted, and actually gone back for more. He viewed on 2 separate occasions but it's part of a bigger picture of accessing the dark web and getting desensitized to some horrendous images. He has a lot of learning and self reflection to do, but I can see how he ended up down that rabbit hole. I love him with all my heart and we have got through the worst of this.



I read it a lot on here at the beginning and it is the biggest truth, time is a great healer. I would never have thought in a million years I would need a community like this but reading everyone's posts has made me realize this can happen to anyone and it doesn't make us bad mothers, girlfriends, wives. Much love to you all.

Edited Wed December 21, 2022 7:37am

loulou74

Member since
September 2022

255 posts

Posted Wed December 21, 2022 9:07amReport post

That's a fantastic result. I'm so pleased for you and your son. It's good to hear that a positive outcome can be achieved and this really is how young people should be dealt with. It's such a better way than sending them to prison. Hopefully he'll learn from this. And interesting about the autism diagnosis. I do wonder sometimes how many of these offences are carried out by people on the spectrum. My husband was the offender and hasn't had a diagnosis, but I wouldn't be surprised if he is autistic. It doesn't excuse what he did, but explains how he ended up there.

Distraught_Smiles

Member since
August 2023

20 posts

Posted Tue August 29, 2023 8:52amReport post

Another distraught mum here and this is my first post.

We had a knock 4 weeks back to realise my 14 year old has been watching child porn.

It's too much to process to as parents as we don't know how our son went into this rabbit hole.
As a Mum I feel like complete failure, most of the days I am in tears hardly sleeping.

He is a brilliant kid in studies but socially awkward. Mostly spends his time in his room playing video game and has very few friends.

He has totally gone into shell and is suicidal.When police came he told them that in the past he had been suicidal and had two attempts to suicide which we never knew,he tried to drink some capfuls of toilet cleaner.

He is well read child too much into philosophy and video games with very little friends.. All he has told is he had been watching adult porn as it is rife in school. He met someone online who made him join a chat account.

Thought he is 14 he claimed to be 16 as that is what the channel prescribes as minimum age.The person on the other side befriended him by sharing some porn which in first instance didn't look like child porn but slowly and steadily he was sent more explicit content.

The SS services are involved as we have a younger child. I am in living hell at the moment though my husband has been bit more calmer.

We have to still long way from this endless hell of waiting and trying to process all this.

from Other mums with children in school - did Schol provide any support. He is on edge that he will be kicked out of school. The shame and stigma is too much to handle for him.

Does anyone know how school have responded.

Edited Tue August 29, 2023 8:54am

Crushed

Member since
July 2024

72 posts

Posted Fri September 27, 2024 12:32pmReport post

Hi I know this is an old post. But I'm just wondering welshgirl what sort of images and amount it was they found? I'm thinking it was probably low level if they only gave him a caution?
I am pleased for you and your son xx