Family and Friends Forum

My person's was charged with inciting and it being referred to as communication, they way my person responded to the charge and what I know of him, really confused me too until the penny dropped that he wasn't being arrested for having a conversation it was that they really believed he intended to take it beyond conversation into action. When that penny dropped I understood the severity of it, why the sentencing range was so severe but also understood how there was a disjoint between how my person was interpreting the chat and how the authorities were. It took me a while to understand that there was nothing within the conversation itself to allow anyone to tell if this was just someone talking for kicks or genuinely wanting to go through with it. There was lots of other loose circumstantial evidence such as no arrangements to meet, no bookings, him having many, many different conversations about many things, many of things of which were very clearly fantasy in terms of physically and mentally aren't even possible, some of which could be backed up by medical reports and other data. He literally was online living out some other kind of personality. He was talking to an adult, he did send photos but all were aimed at the adult and he never expressed any interest or desire for them to be show to the "child" he didn't ask for any photos of the "child" no images were found, no other conversation, no other evidence to show he had any interest in children - He was on a swingers website, where user "rate" one another and you can see who one another have met up with, he'd met up with many, many women over the years - None of them young, most were his age or older (this is all from before we were together and something I knew about) . There are many unsavory things related to sex found in his phone, but nothing else related to children. He wanted to plead guilty. The barrister felt that there was a chance, said to my person he didn't think he was guilty, but because he'd admitted to the conversation and because of the other unsavoury chats he'd had that this wouldn't sit well with the jury.


He was initially charged with attempting to arrange or facilitate the commission of a child sex act. The CPS lowered the charge to attempting to incite sexual activity with a child if he plead guilty. He went to a goodyear hearing where he hoped to get a indication of the sentence he'd receive, but the judge refused and he had a matter of minutes then to decide whether to accept the lower charge or continue to not guilty. He plead guilty.

I think there are few things your person needs to be doing:

1. Looking at it through the eyes of the law. Is there anything in the conversation that would have been different to someone that was genuinely trying to act upon what was discussed? If not then it's quite hard to argue.

2. He needs all the evidence.

3. Understand the risks he posed to children had that decoy actually been a child and then start working on himself. ( I feel so angry at my person that he could have potential put a real child at risk, however much he didn't believe there was a child, he couldn't know for sure and even if the other adult had explicitly said this was role play and there was no child, any kind of dialogue that might ever encourage this kind of behaviour either now or further down the line makes me feel so angry, it makes my blood boil at how irresponsible he was both for him and potential child).

My person didn't seek any help until I pointed a few things out to him. The penny started to drop and he understood why he needed help, but he didn't and still doesn't feel he needs specific help related to "children" but more the way he lived his life and particularly how porn, sex and kink factored into his life in unhealthy ways and that how he'd behaved was not only not conducive to a happy, healthy and fulfilling life for him but was also hurtful to other people in his life.

As Lee said, you also need to look after yourself. It's a long and horrible journey. Lots to understand and digest as well as having very really, practical decision and things that need to happen.

I've just seen your reply. My person I think very much felt the same - It was happening to him. To a degree I did and still do, there doesn't seem to be (and I understand why) any room for a conversation to be interpreted as role play/ "just" a conversation and that there isn't a lesser charge. People talk about many things online with no intention of acting on them, but I understand how this can also lay the path for potentially acting on these things. It really scrambles my head. I have to just come back to my person, what I believe and what I feel I can live with.

You sound very stong and level headed. I'm glad he's starting to understand. I do believe it will hell in the long run, whether that's with his sentencing or accepting his sentence.