Family and Friends Forum

My person in court soin With same charge. After reading the evidence I've never felt so bad since the knock. It's all so real and I know he's a wonderful person but he had everything at his feet, mine still hasn't answer but the more research he's doing the more he's getting closer, if he ever does. He certainly feels remorse thwrsrs for sure. But how do we go on knowing at the back of head they did this this. Not only that it's cheating too. Speaking to anyone like that never mind a teenager. He was the last person I'd thi k would do that. It's so hard to understand. There's a page on forem. Called understanding why? It's very informative there's a link on it I thnk lost put on. Its a study and its very eye opening.

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Daffodil - You are 100% right. I agree - what my son 'apparently' discussed on line was not the gentle, kind and caring man he actually IS........

Green I'm the exact same now too. My heads a complete mess. I hope you get there soon if you do will you tell me how please? Lol

RIG my partner was very similar. Got into chat rooms and got lost in the thrill. He realised if he pretended to be a young woman and girls/boys he would get more attention....he was catfishing and he got involved with chatting others doing the same.

He too admitted he didn't think of the consequences to his family, thought he would never be found out etc. Offenders create dilusions which prevents them from reflection and trying to stop.

I will admit I have got hooked in the last with chatting to people online - legal ages ofc. But I can relate to the thrill and excitement it caused. I was essentially cheating on my bf at the time, but never went to meet people. The anonymous nature of it and getting compliments and basically writing out fantasies because I couldn't do them with my partner (long distance relationship or he wasn't into the stuff I liked).

I found I was getting into the rabbit hole again with my current partner, when I told him he forgave me and it was a weight off my shoulders. I haven't gone back since. One issue is ofc online chats that become dark and then illegal is tricky for people to seek help. My partner said he didn't know there was help available. It is very hard to kick a habit at times without external support.

My son had a few close friends and could never see what we could see in him, he withdrew in to his own space

He wasnt offending daily or weekly but when he was at a low this is when he would talk to girls not just underage but of all ages and he said it was nice to have girls messaging him and behind the screen he was far more confident in himself, they woupd also message him, via social media

Fast forward and we are on this horrendous journey and will live with this for the rest of our lives, he is a good person , he is an offender but he is my son and I will always be there for him xx

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I think my husband is very similar GreenYellow. I think he is a good person who has done something very stupid. He also says he's not interested in children, and I believe him. He was also caught by decoys. 2 chats 18 months apart. His reason was that he was feeling stressed and was using online chat as a way of passing time and coping with the stress. He thought everyone was fake on there and was calling people out for being fake but was also carrying on sexual chats with these people, and that bit is nearly as shocking to me as the underaged chats. It's not who I thought he was, and I'm disappointed in him for not seeking help - 2 years he's been doing this. He felt he couldn't share with me how he was feeling as he didn't want to add to my burden (we've had a lot going on over the last 2 years). I really can't fathom why he thought this was ever a good idea or how he got drawn to chats in the first place.

I can understand the addictive side to it. I'm sure some of it for my husband is also about control. He doesn't cope well when things aren't in his control and I wonder if the chats enabled him in some way to have control. I can also see how it escalates, like RIG said. My husband made a couple of comments that I would never expect from him about women, and I guess the chats blur what is acceptable.

Upset Mum I can't totally understand your point. It can be so difficult to deal with when it's a partner who's been caught up in this mess but I can't even imagine the pain when it's your child. You can walk away (somehow) from a partnership but the parent-child bond is a different thing altogether.
I wish you and your son well. Big hug x

Majestictopaz I've struggled with the fact that even though my partner who is so ashamed and remorseful for what he's done admits to everything, he says he never once thought about the risks he's taking. Never panicked or worried about being caught. I find that really strange. That to me is not normal behaviour. Anyone normal would worry about being found out, losing their marriage/partner/family/home etc. Is the thrill and excitement that overwhelming that you forget reality?

I just can't understand it or maybe I have lead a really boring or stagnant type of life? X

I have various theories about why and I think it obviously depends on the person but from what I've seen so far it boils down to... Not believing the person is actually underage. Not understanding how wrong it is to communicate in that manner with minors. Or not caring and thinking that they'll get away with it.

The reasons why these kinds of chats are more appealing can be for reasons such as: dominance/feeling superior (perhaps they don't feel confident in the bedroom with those who are experienced), re-living their youth experience, doesn't feel like cheating (+doesn't feel like a crime because it's online & no physical harm occurs), boredom, addiction, etc.

I think online activity and people in real life is a modern day example of Jekyll & Hyde. You only need to see the level of anonymous trolling online to see how people can behave abhorrent online but will be regular people in real life. Sexual behaviour is no different. I went on chat rooms a few years ago because I was bored and lonely and I can't tell you the bizarreness of some people. It's unfortunate that so many get wrapped up in this kind of crime because I think there are so many who genuinely would never act upon their online activity and had they known how serious the repurcussions of their actions could be, would not have done it.

BaffledB you are so right. In my partners case, he supposedly only had 1 chat with a "minor" and made 1 sexual comment (1 too many!) according to the transcript. He genuinely believed that it was an adult pretending to be a minor as he'd had chats with men pretending to be women in the past etc and naively thought that everyone on the site were 18 and above as per the site requirements.

I can believe it! I was rather adventurous shall we say and have been on Tinder as well as the chat rooms I mentioned. There are so many people who pretend to be things they aren't - race, age, appearance, so much so it gets to the point you don't believe a word anyone says. I think the odd thing in these cases are where the decoys and placed and how they act, they act weird (not like the age they say) so I can see why people doubt in some situations that they are actually underage and continue the conversation. Xx

Green my person saud the same thing yo me. He didn't even thi k of the hurt it would cause during those short conversations. Then he stopped, he saud he 'caught on to himself. He had 3 short conversations it's bizz are. He got arrested 4 weeks after he came. Off and he saud those 4 weeks were terrible he was felt sick end with himself and I had noticed at the time he was very withdrawn. He saud it actually was a tiny relief when they finally arrested him.