I'm feeling guilty
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Today I find myself full of guilt. No one will understand but I'm hoping you guys will. Did I not do enough, was i not a good wife in the past that made him turn to porn in the first place? If I did do better he wouldn't have gone along looking for porn and them come across those pictures/videos that's put my whole family in this situation.
He's done 6 counseling sessions, not touched a drop of alcohol since the knock and got medication to help with his depression he managed to get a new job as he lost that and our home due to this massive mistake.
Im left at home alone daily and my brain just goes into overdrive of things I should've done better. Since all this happened I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Just not sure how much more waiting I can take. We're currently at 13 months. We try to act like normal but let's be honest there's nothing normal with this whole thing looming.
He's done 6 counseling sessions, not touched a drop of alcohol since the knock and got medication to help with his depression he managed to get a new job as he lost that and our home due to this massive mistake.
Im left at home alone daily and my brain just goes into overdrive of things I should've done better. Since all this happened I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Just not sure how much more waiting I can take. We're currently at 13 months. We try to act like normal but let's be honest there's nothing normal with this whole thing looming.
Mumof3girls
I think we all go through these emotions of feeling guilty but you have done nothing wrong
Unlike you it is my son who offended however I have often felt guilty was it something from his childhood etc
We all ask how did this happen why did it happen and unfortunately until they address there own understanding of what led them to offend it is probably something we will never truly get the answers.
You are dealing with so much but you need to stop been so hard on yourself, you are stronger than you realise and self care is so important,
Having time on your hands to think about this journey will hit you worse somedays than others it's part of the emotional rollercoaster we find ourselves on
Not much advise sorry just wanted to let you know we are all here and totally understand xx
I think we all go through these emotions of feeling guilty but you have done nothing wrong
Unlike you it is my son who offended however I have often felt guilty was it something from his childhood etc
We all ask how did this happen why did it happen and unfortunately until they address there own understanding of what led them to offend it is probably something we will never truly get the answers.
You are dealing with so much but you need to stop been so hard on yourself, you are stronger than you realise and self care is so important,
Having time on your hands to think about this journey will hit you worse somedays than others it's part of the emotional rollercoaster we find ourselves on
Not much advise sorry just wanted to let you know we are all here and totally understand xx
Mumof3girls none of this is your fault. You could have been the world most perfect wife and this may still have happened. It's not you. It's him.
Having said that, I too went through this. I asked him if I could have done things better, been more attentive, looked after myself more or not have been too trusting. After a while I realised it wasn't a me problem. It was a him problem. He admits he's never loved anyone like he's loved me, he never once wanted to end our relationship and was always happy with everything about us. He was bored. It was so easy to do and he did it.
I no longer blame myself for the mess we are in. It's all him and his selfish needs that lead us to this point.
Be kind to yourself. You've already given so much of you so don't let him or what he's done take anything else away from you.
You're so much more of a person than him because you are still there despite what he's done. Be proud of you because you're kind and you're so strong!
X
Having said that, I too went through this. I asked him if I could have done things better, been more attentive, looked after myself more or not have been too trusting. After a while I realised it wasn't a me problem. It was a him problem. He admits he's never loved anyone like he's loved me, he never once wanted to end our relationship and was always happy with everything about us. He was bored. It was so easy to do and he did it.
I no longer blame myself for the mess we are in. It's all him and his selfish needs that lead us to this point.
Be kind to yourself. You've already given so much of you so don't let him or what he's done take anything else away from you.
You're so much more of a person than him because you are still there despite what he's done. Be proud of you because you're kind and you're so strong!
X
I still ask myself f this and my person, just as above poster saud he said he'd never been happier he was bored and selfish.
I agree with the above posters, none of this is your fault. My partner has also said he’s never loved anyone like he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, it’s nothing to do with me, he’s just always felt lonely no matter who he is with so sought out girls online to try and stifle that loneliness. The problem is usually always within the other person, something lacking in their own mind, they don’t feel satisfied with themselves in some way, maybe lack of self esteem. Porn is easily accessible these days which is fine in my opinion, but it makes it far too easy to click that one link which sends you down the rabbit hole. It’s good your partner is working on improving himself. You need to focus on yourself though and not be hard on yourself, you’re a victim in this situation too and it’s up to him to right his wrongs
Thank you ladies, I think what makes it worse for me to come to terms with it is because he done it in our bedroom whilst I was asleep. He has also told me that it wasn't because of anything I done and he wants to stay with me as he loves me.
as far as I was aware all was perfect and then the knock happened and my life has just spun upside down. I even lost my home of 10 years. I'm struggling to cope with my emotions and I'm just ready for this all to be over.
my 6 year old said to me yesterday what happens if daddy goes to prison for that video thing (all she knows is daddy saw a video he shouldn't have seen as police officers told her that her dad will probably go to jail as he was naughty whilst doing the knock.) absolutely broke my heart. My husband has said he didn't look for them someone sent them in a group he was in to watch porn and it must have downloaded on his phone without him knowing. Which I do believe. He's not a monster.
as far as I was aware all was perfect and then the knock happened and my life has just spun upside down. I even lost my home of 10 years. I'm struggling to cope with my emotions and I'm just ready for this all to be over.
my 6 year old said to me yesterday what happens if daddy goes to prison for that video thing (all she knows is daddy saw a video he shouldn't have seen as police officers told her that her dad will probably go to jail as he was naughty whilst doing the knock.) absolutely broke my heart. My husband has said he didn't look for them someone sent them in a group he was in to watch porn and it must have downloaded on his phone without him knowing. Which I do believe. He's not a monster.
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Yep, the treatment we received that day was horrific. They also wanted to test my bedside cabinet for drugs which my children overheard yet it was just dust. I brought it up with social services yet they all just cover each other's backs so there's really no point. My children were all in bed (as was I) and they wouldn't let me wake them they was all put in a room upstairs without me watching all their belongings being dug into. Safe to say non of my children feel safe around the police now which is a shame as I always raised them to believe they were the good guys.
My goodness - the police were out of order addresssing your 6yr old like this, do they have training in dealing with families/children!!!!!!!
Being in childcare for many years - you never never say a child is naughty. So it's ok to flippantly label their dad as 'naughty, Oh my...... then saying their dad could go to prison, poor mite, 'totally' breathtakingly wrong.
Being in childcare for many years - you never never say a child is naughty. So it's ok to flippantly label their dad as 'naughty, Oh my...... then saying their dad could go to prison, poor mite, 'totally' breathtakingly wrong.
They all cover each others backs so there's no point me even trying to complain. This comment was also made whilst devices were being found and no evidence had even been found so he could've been completely innocent. This is one of the things that really annoy me, the impact it has on our children. Don't get me wrong viewing them kind of things online is completely wrong but it's almost like the ss and police don't care about how it has effected my children. So because their dad accidently came across these videos my children aren't as important to them and they can put them through a year or so of hell. It's all done so wrongly x
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I too was raised to respect our police force however this event has completely changed my view. Our daughter was 22 at the time of the knock. Since a very young age she's lived with mental health issues including life affecting OCD. She has a diagnosis of ASD and self harms. The 'delight' that searched my daughters room certainly had a job on her hands as after she touched certain areas she was asked to wash her hands as this is how my daughter manages her space. I think she was mildy irritated to say the least but at least her hands were clean when she left : ) During her delving into my daughter's space she found her 'intimate' toys and questioned her about why she had them and why she had so many! She also found a supply of razor blades which my daughter said were there for two reasons. One being self harm the other in case she wanted to end her life. When she left her room she actually turned to my daughter and said 'don't kill yourself!! She left her with the blades.
I no longer have respect for our police force at all. My persons solicitor said 'they are not your friend' never a truer word said.
I no longer have respect for our police force at all. My persons solicitor said 'they are not your friend' never a truer word said.
Oh life feels over, how dreadful! It's almost like we are all treated like criminals. My daughters actually fear the police now. My eldest 15 refused to talk to them and had a panic attack.
Mumof3girls
I feel we go through so many emotions on this journey. Like you I've felt the guilt. Like others have said this is nothing we have done or caused.
I was outraged to read how the police spoke to your 6 year old. Appalling of them. I had always trusted police and until recently had. During the knock I was able to remove my children from the house which lessened the impact for them and meant limited contact with the police. The oic had been "friendly" and appeared supportive. Now I have learnt this is not what is seems and she was using this as means for own gains. Terrible that for so many of us this is the experience and outcome. Those who are innocent bystanders used and treated in such manner by a body we had clearly had faith in.
like you and many others I no longer feel that way.
stay strong x
I feel we go through so many emotions on this journey. Like you I've felt the guilt. Like others have said this is nothing we have done or caused.
I was outraged to read how the police spoke to your 6 year old. Appalling of them. I had always trusted police and until recently had. During the knock I was able to remove my children from the house which lessened the impact for them and meant limited contact with the police. The oic had been "friendly" and appeared supportive. Now I have learnt this is not what is seems and she was using this as means for own gains. Terrible that for so many of us this is the experience and outcome. Those who are innocent bystanders used and treated in such manner by a body we had clearly had faith in.
like you and many others I no longer feel that way.
stay strong x
Thank you sparrow, I would have preferred to have the kids sent to their nans instead of being put through all of that. Luckily my mum arrives during the knock so she was able to help me keep the 3 of them calm but what an impact it's had on them even a year later. Our oic is a bit of a snug git. He even Sat me down and told me he didn't like the way my husband answered the door and already assumed he was guilty because of that, nothing to do with the fact of being early on a Saturday morning and having police on your doorstep. Since then even before he'd checked the devices he told me to prepare for a charge I politely put him in his place and told him unlike him I will wait for the evidence to come in before presuming he's guilty. I think the power goes to alot of their heads and people like us are made to suffer. X
Mumof3girls
I think this is part of the process a lot of us partners, mums and family members go through when trying to get our heads around whats been going on. Firstly we ask ourselves why they did it and then we go through all the possible scenarios - is there something wrong with the person? Did something happen to them that made them do this? Then - was it because of something I did (or didn't do)? And - was there something I could have done to stop it? Why didn't I notice what was going on? Did I fail in some way?
I think the bottom line is that people fall into this situation for many reasons, but I would say that it most certainly was not because of anything that the people who love them did or didn't do.
We partners, parents and family members who find ourselves in the situation have so many other things to worry about and this should not be one of them. What happened is not our fault.
I think this is part of the process a lot of us partners, mums and family members go through when trying to get our heads around whats been going on. Firstly we ask ourselves why they did it and then we go through all the possible scenarios - is there something wrong with the person? Did something happen to them that made them do this? Then - was it because of something I did (or didn't do)? And - was there something I could have done to stop it? Why didn't I notice what was going on? Did I fail in some way?
I think the bottom line is that people fall into this situation for many reasons, but I would say that it most certainly was not because of anything that the people who love them did or didn't do.
We partners, parents and family members who find ourselves in the situation have so many other things to worry about and this should not be one of them. What happened is not our fault.
Your right Bitterbean - I think at first you analyse every scenario to try to make sense why this behaviour happened. Could I have done something to stop it - was it anyone else's fault?
I think it's almost like part of the grieving process.
I think it's almost like part of the grieving process.