Is It Normal?
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We got the knock in March this year. Partner arrested for possession & distribution of iioc Cat B & C. No children in the house so no social services after the day of the knock.
The Police immediately informed his work, as he worked in the care system. Bailed by Police initially for 28 days then extended, but rui late May and we've not heard anything from them since. His work immediately suspended him, 28days at a time. He had two meetings with his work over that time, but in August they dismissed him even though he's not been charged or found guilty of anything yet. They have said that if it all comes to nothing that he can have his job back....
So now we're here, he has no job and I've been a homemaker for 10 years. He won't apply for any other jobs in the care system because any references would inform of the arrest and dismissal.
Only people who know most of the situation are my parents who have been very supportive thankfully. A couple other people know he was arrested and has lost his job but not why.
The thing is, although I'm still here, I've gone through just about every emotion I think there is, and now I'm at the angry but hopeless stage, because almost everyone we know thinks partner has just left the care system because he couldn't handle the stress anymore since Covid. Everyone is feeling sorry for him and I'm like, seriously! He blew up our whole life as it was. We were living reasonably comfortably, now we don't know how long we can pay our bills for or if we'll end up losing our house. And although I know he's a good man who has been mostly a good partner and parent for so many years, I can't get rid of the feeling that I wasn't enough to stop him doing what he did, so why should I have to deal with this on my own. Why am I paying for his actions?
I still love him, but feel like now it's more like a friend. I've considered leaving or telling him to leave, but then I'd still have all the same worries about paying bills, keeping a roof over my head etc.
I've had depression and anxiety most of my adult life. I was suicidal initially after the knock came, and I've had the same thoughts several times since then, but I'm still here and still fighting. I'm on increased medication which helps a lot, but I have a recurring thought that really, why am I still fighting, because this life I have now is nothing like I had, I can't see anything positive coming from it.
I'm asking if all these feelings are normal? The anger, the change of feelings for your partner. Wanting to scream out to the world what he's done and that's he's not the hard done by guy they think he is, but knowing things would be a million times worse if I did. Anger at the Police for leaving us in limbo like this, and so I feel sick everytime the door bell goes. Every sound I hear outside I think is them coming back to knock again. Every letter that comes through the post I think is more bad news. I'm scared of everything...
How do I move forward from this?
The Police immediately informed his work, as he worked in the care system. Bailed by Police initially for 28 days then extended, but rui late May and we've not heard anything from them since. His work immediately suspended him, 28days at a time. He had two meetings with his work over that time, but in August they dismissed him even though he's not been charged or found guilty of anything yet. They have said that if it all comes to nothing that he can have his job back....
So now we're here, he has no job and I've been a homemaker for 10 years. He won't apply for any other jobs in the care system because any references would inform of the arrest and dismissal.
Only people who know most of the situation are my parents who have been very supportive thankfully. A couple other people know he was arrested and has lost his job but not why.
The thing is, although I'm still here, I've gone through just about every emotion I think there is, and now I'm at the angry but hopeless stage, because almost everyone we know thinks partner has just left the care system because he couldn't handle the stress anymore since Covid. Everyone is feeling sorry for him and I'm like, seriously! He blew up our whole life as it was. We were living reasonably comfortably, now we don't know how long we can pay our bills for or if we'll end up losing our house. And although I know he's a good man who has been mostly a good partner and parent for so many years, I can't get rid of the feeling that I wasn't enough to stop him doing what he did, so why should I have to deal with this on my own. Why am I paying for his actions?
I still love him, but feel like now it's more like a friend. I've considered leaving or telling him to leave, but then I'd still have all the same worries about paying bills, keeping a roof over my head etc.
I've had depression and anxiety most of my adult life. I was suicidal initially after the knock came, and I've had the same thoughts several times since then, but I'm still here and still fighting. I'm on increased medication which helps a lot, but I have a recurring thought that really, why am I still fighting, because this life I have now is nothing like I had, I can't see anything positive coming from it.
I'm asking if all these feelings are normal? The anger, the change of feelings for your partner. Wanting to scream out to the world what he's done and that's he's not the hard done by guy they think he is, but knowing things would be a million times worse if I did. Anger at the Police for leaving us in limbo like this, and so I feel sick everytime the door bell goes. Every sound I hear outside I think is them coming back to knock again. Every letter that comes through the post I think is more bad news. I'm scared of everything...
How do I move forward from this?
Worsethananynightmare
Yes your feelings are normal. When I read your post I thought you could be describing my own feelings. I have the same ambivalent feelings towards my partner. I feel the same anger, am jumpy when the doorbell goes unexpectedly, hate seeing police cars, feel angry at my partner, the police, the legal system...
You will learn to cope. Has your partner tried getting other work, any work, something that could give him a sense of purpose and keep him busy while you are waiting?
Yes your feelings are normal. When I read your post I thought you could be describing my own feelings. I have the same ambivalent feelings towards my partner. I feel the same anger, am jumpy when the doorbell goes unexpectedly, hate seeing police cars, feel angry at my partner, the police, the legal system...
You will learn to cope. Has your partner tried getting other work, any work, something that could give him a sense of purpose and keep him busy while you are waiting?
Worsethananynightmare you're feelings are absolutely normal. As Bitterbean has said, you could be describing anyone of us. We have or are still going through that emotional rollercoaster. The constant asking yourself why you're even trying to cope with this and the self-doubt. It's all normal and a part of this horrible journey.
sending hugs x
sending hugs x
I am so sorry your feeling like this. Our knock was in June and my OH was arrested and convicted in three weeks! Though it was quick they still have our devices and said if they find anything else they could still charge him with more things as they had not gone through all of them at the time of conviction. I do not want to live with my OH but cannot afford to kick him out due to financial problems. We were also comfortable but now we are living on my part time wage. At a time in my life where i was looking to reduce my hours and take things easy, i am having to go back full time. I have only just gone back to work and as most of it is home working i am finding things difficult. Mainly him sitting reading a book, while i am working. This is starting to get me angry and i find i am starting to find fault at every turn. So i understand your raft of emotions. I bought a ring doorbell so i could see if some one came through my gate to the house. This stopped me jumping up whenever i heard a car door. This helped with some of the anxiety. Letters i make him sort and telephone i dont answer unless i know who it is. Seeing police cars etc will ease in time, Time will help to ease your worries. You are in limbo greiving your old life, it will take time. But we are all here to help you. X
Thank you so much for you replies. Sorry I've not got back on until now, but I had a really bad few days and had to just focus on surviving each hour.
Partner isn't looking for another job yet. He says he is going to claim Jobseekers Allowance and that until the outcome of all this with the Police he doesn't think anyone will give him a job. I just don't know what to do. It's like he's given up on his past life and not prepared to fight to get some semblence of it back.
We do have a smart doorbell but my anxiety means that now I hear a car door, then expect the doorbell to go, and feel so sick to my stomach.
Partner isn't looking for another job yet. He says he is going to claim Jobseekers Allowance and that until the outcome of all this with the Police he doesn't think anyone will give him a job. I just don't know what to do. It's like he's given up on his past life and not prepared to fight to get some semblence of it back.
We do have a smart doorbell but my anxiety means that now I hear a car door, then expect the doorbell to go, and feel so sick to my stomach.