So much pain
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I just want to cry all the time. The pain of what I've lost is so acute that even breathing is hard. Everywhere I go and everything I do reminds me of him and how good I thought my life was and how exciting my future was. How can it all be gone? It's just too hard to bare.
Ahhh bless you, first of all I've felt exactly like this most of us have and it does get easier I promise. Have you had a a good conversation with your person to get answers? I'd suggest you ring gp or the stop it helpline too to talk it through with someone. As well as posting here. Bug virtual hug x
I have been to my gp and she has been very supportive and given me anti depressants. She is also a friend of mine and she really feels that I can't have a future with this man.
My person has had a few conversations with me . He seems to be in denial, can't understand why we aren't together planning our future and says that everything will blow over when his devices come back clear. I think he thinks this because I think his old phone had been returned to factory settings but then again he hasn't really told me anything.
my grown up children ( not his) would never forgive what he has done and even if I could eventually forgive him it would damage my relationship with them.
hard because I don't even know the extent of what he's done. the police on arrest said uploading and distributing cat a and b on a particular date. What sort of sentence for this?
My person has had a few conversations with me . He seems to be in denial, can't understand why we aren't together planning our future and says that everything will blow over when his devices come back clear. I think he thinks this because I think his old phone had been returned to factory settings but then again he hasn't really told me anything.
my grown up children ( not his) would never forgive what he has done and even if I could eventually forgive him it would damage my relationship with them.
hard because I don't even know the extent of what he's done. the police on arrest said uploading and distributing cat a and b on a particular date. What sort of sentence for this?
Ahhh bless you - how I remember that pain, head throbbing and crying so much you feel pain even breathing. My heart goes out to you x
God bless x keep strong x another hug sent ....
God bless x keep strong x another hug sent ....
Sorry you're having a bad time.
it's not up to your gp/friend though, it's your life, your decision. You can see from this forum that some stayed, some left, some are undecided, whatever you choose it needs to be right for you.
it's not up to your gp/friend though, it's your life, your decision. You can see from this forum that some stayed, some left, some are undecided, whatever you choose it needs to be right for you.
Thank you everyone for your lovely replies.
I know I'll eventually get over this but it's just so hard because I was supposed to be getting married next week!!
I don't feel like i can make any definite decisions until forensic report is back and I know more about what he's done.
After the knock I left and have been moving between friends houses. It's been so hard grieving for what I've lost and coping with the shock when I haven't got my own space and I'm living out of a suitcase. He stayed in our home ( which I own most of) I have asked him to leave as I need my home back. He doesn't understand that we can't share and is refusing to go. It's all so difficult.
I know I'll eventually get over this but it's just so hard because I was supposed to be getting married next week!!
I don't feel like i can make any definite decisions until forensic report is back and I know more about what he's done.
After the knock I left and have been moving between friends houses. It's been so hard grieving for what I've lost and coping with the shock when I haven't got my own space and I'm living out of a suitcase. He stayed in our home ( which I own most of) I have asked him to leave as I need my home back. He doesn't understand that we can't share and is refusing to go. It's all so difficult.
Correct - don't make long term decisions - let time progress and let things unfold, that's the best way and to a degree keeps you sane!
although I do feel sad for you ladies where this journey drags on for months/years :(
although I do feel sad for you ladies where this journey drags on for months/years :(
Smile through tears and anyone else,
have you stayed with your person?
have you stayed with your person?
Losteverything
These feelings and emotions will start to fade in time and you will get through this whatever decision you make
This journey is a rollercoaster of feelings and not knowing what will happen or what the outcome will be is so difficult but with support from your GP and like others have said call the helpline
It is early days for you and your situation of staying at friends places will enhance your feelings as you need time to adjust around this journey
Dont make any rash decisions as yet there is no right or wrong it is down to what you ultimately need and want to do xx
These feelings and emotions will start to fade in time and you will get through this whatever decision you make
This journey is a rollercoaster of feelings and not knowing what will happen or what the outcome will be is so difficult but with support from your GP and like others have said call the helpline
It is early days for you and your situation of staying at friends places will enhance your feelings as you need time to adjust around this journey
Dont make any rash decisions as yet there is no right or wrong it is down to what you ultimately need and want to do xx
Hi Losteverything.
My son is the offender, so situation slightly different. But yes, against the odds, I am supporting him through his prison sentence.
My son is the offender, so situation slightly different. But yes, against the odds, I am supporting him through his prison sentence.
Please take time to process your situation before making long term decisions. Feelings are very raw particularly at the start of this journey; and at different points throughout. Our knock was July 21 & we only just have a court date so the journey can be painfully long. Definitely speak to a GP but perhaps one that isn't also a friend can look at your situation with more impartiality. Your decisions are ultimately yours to make and due to the sensitivity of these crimes it's impossible to allow the views of others to influence them.
Stay strong x
Stay strong x
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Bless you all and thank you for your thoughts and for sharing your experiences.
I will take my time deciding what to do. I really need to know exactly what he's done and decide if I can cope with it!
from what I've read on here this will be a long process and even longer if courts are involved. My feeling is that at my age ( in my 50's) waiting all this time is a waste of years, if that makes sense?
At the moment my grown up children ( not their dad) don't even want to entertain the idea that I stay with him. They would be furious if they knew that I speak to him sometimes.
I just know that if decided to be with him after I've seen the forensics, they would never come to my home when he was there. I'd end up having a life of 2 parts. Also o have a grand child and my daughter would not allow her to be anywhere near him. So im thinking no family Christmas dinners!
Not sure I can bare all that , especially when it's not my fault!
I will take my time deciding what to do. I really need to know exactly what he's done and decide if I can cope with it!
from what I've read on here this will be a long process and even longer if courts are involved. My feeling is that at my age ( in my 50's) waiting all this time is a waste of years, if that makes sense?
At the moment my grown up children ( not their dad) don't even want to entertain the idea that I stay with him. They would be furious if they knew that I speak to him sometimes.
I just know that if decided to be with him after I've seen the forensics, they would never come to my home when he was there. I'd end up having a life of 2 parts. Also o have a grand child and my daughter would not allow her to be anywhere near him. So im thinking no family Christmas dinners!
Not sure I can bare all that , especially when it's not my fault!
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Losteverything
I too have that same sense of wasted time and like you have adult children and extended family with young children.
I've been clinging on to this relationship, but it was not great before the knock, and the extra strain this has put on us is tipping things over the edge. I feel like it has to be worth staying if he is convicted, and I have the added burden of all the stigma and intrusion. While I grieve for what I've lost, I wonder how much of it is grieving for the relationship I wish I had but never actually did. I feel I've wasted so much time already on this relationship, and then I think of my wonderful kids, and think, they were so worth it. But in term of the relationship with my partner, I actually think I've had quite enough now. I just have to make that first very painful leap, and I think everything that follows will be easier.
I too have that same sense of wasted time and like you have adult children and extended family with young children.
I've been clinging on to this relationship, but it was not great before the knock, and the extra strain this has put on us is tipping things over the edge. I feel like it has to be worth staying if he is convicted, and I have the added burden of all the stigma and intrusion. While I grieve for what I've lost, I wonder how much of it is grieving for the relationship I wish I had but never actually did. I feel I've wasted so much time already on this relationship, and then I think of my wonderful kids, and think, they were so worth it. But in term of the relationship with my partner, I actually think I've had quite enough now. I just have to make that first very painful leap, and I think everything that follows will be easier.
Bitterbean I really feel for you and I understand your pain.
I only met my partner 5 years ago when I was 52. He was my soulmate , best relationship I've ever had. We should have been getting married next week and I have taken early retirement so we could spend loads of time travelling etc. I've also sold my home and bought a house with him 3 weeks before the knock!! So..,, I've lost my home, given up my job, planned a wedding and lost all my financial security all for a man who's done something awful . The fact he let me do all these things when he knew what he'd done is beyond me. My friends and children say I should 100% walk away , recover and find someone else, but it's not that easy is it?
I only met my partner 5 years ago when I was 52. He was my soulmate , best relationship I've ever had. We should have been getting married next week and I have taken early retirement so we could spend loads of time travelling etc. I've also sold my home and bought a house with him 3 weeks before the knock!! So..,, I've lost my home, given up my job, planned a wedding and lost all my financial security all for a man who's done something awful . The fact he let me do all these things when he knew what he'd done is beyond me. My friends and children say I should 100% walk away , recover and find someone else, but it's not that easy is it?
LostEverything - I can't give much advise other than what's been said but I wanted to say how sorry I am that you're in this position. A wedding is such an exciting and joyful thing and to have that snatched away from you is so so cruel. It will get better in time as we all know, but that in-between 'now' and 'better' is excruciating.
Sending lots of positive thoughts and warm hugs your way. X
Sending lots of positive thoughts and warm hugs your way. X
It will get better, you just have to take it one second, minute, hour, day at a time. That was what got me through some of the worst days.
I've stuck with my partner so far, but if I'm honest the relationship wasn't great before the knock and since is worse, similar to Bitterbean. Our children are grown and away but I've been a stay at home mum for years so we lived on his salary. Now he's lost his job because of all this, he works in care and the Police informed them on the day of the knock, even though what he's being investigated for is nothing to do with his job. Due to my health I'm not well enough to get a job myself at the moment, but I've started doing what I can to make improvements in my health in the hope that I can get something eventually.
My mum who is the only one who I've told the truth to, has been amazingly supportive of me, but she can only be supportive, she can't do anything materially. But she asked me recently if, if money wasn't an issue, would I be staying with him, and my answer was no immediately, which hit me like a truck. He has always generally been a good partner and father, but we've both changed and drifted apart before all this. Now I just feel like the bit that we had left between us has been crushed. But another one in my early 50's, I feel like it's too late for me to start again now. I have no job, very little savings, nowhere else to go....
I've stuck with my partner so far, but if I'm honest the relationship wasn't great before the knock and since is worse, similar to Bitterbean. Our children are grown and away but I've been a stay at home mum for years so we lived on his salary. Now he's lost his job because of all this, he works in care and the Police informed them on the day of the knock, even though what he's being investigated for is nothing to do with his job. Due to my health I'm not well enough to get a job myself at the moment, but I've started doing what I can to make improvements in my health in the hope that I can get something eventually.
My mum who is the only one who I've told the truth to, has been amazingly supportive of me, but she can only be supportive, she can't do anything materially. But she asked me recently if, if money wasn't an issue, would I be staying with him, and my answer was no immediately, which hit me like a truck. He has always generally been a good partner and father, but we've both changed and drifted apart before all this. Now I just feel like the bit that we had left between us has been crushed. But another one in my early 50's, I feel like it's too late for me to start again now. I have no job, very little savings, nowhere else to go....
WorseThanAnyNightmare,
sweetheart, I really feel for you. It's sounds like you really don't want to be with your husband anymore. I hope that you can find a way to break free.
may situation is slightly different because we were sort of still in the early years of our relationship. We met 5 years ago and he was my best friend and total soulmate. We had a fabulous relationship.... or so I thought!!!
I think whatever our individual circumstances we all share the acute pain of having a partner/ family member whose actions have shaken us to the core.
sweetheart, I really feel for you. It's sounds like you really don't want to be with your husband anymore. I hope that you can find a way to break free.
may situation is slightly different because we were sort of still in the early years of our relationship. We met 5 years ago and he was my best friend and total soulmate. We had a fabulous relationship.... or so I thought!!!
I think whatever our individual circumstances we all share the acute pain of having a partner/ family member whose actions have shaken us to the core.
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I'm nearly 50. We'd spent quite a bit of time over the last year discussing the future as we both lost parents last year at a fairly young age. I'm lucky to be able to support myself and the kids financially, it'll mean some changes, and we won't be anywhere near as comfortable as we have been. Our relationship hasn't been great for a while, but we'd been together nearly 20 years, so I wasn't expecting amazing after all that time. I thought we had a future together though, I thought we could rub along together quite nicely, we were still friends, and I still enjoyed his company. But that's changed. I'm not sure I can trust him now. I understand why he has done what he did, but I'm so disappointed in him for not taking responsibility for his stress and grief. It's changed how I see him. His offence wasn't a one-off mistake, he was using chat for 2 years before the knock as a way to cope with his stress. There were 18 months between the 2 decoy chats. I'm not convinced that there weren't any others in between.
Loulou74
That's the point, isn't it? We can acknowledge that the offending person was maybe depressed, grieving, or recovering from traume or abuse, or having other difficulties. Mental health problems can affect any of us. However, most of us when similarly afflicted don't deal with the problem by accessing extreme pornography or engaging in other illegal activities online. It's a choice they made, and it's a choice they kept secret from the people they loved, because they knew their loved ones would have been upset or disapproved of what they were doing. Even if they didn't consider it to be illegal, I think most of them realise its morally wrong, and if they have a partner, a betrayal of that partner.
I've tried to get over what my partner has done, but it's the betrayal and deceit I find hardest to accept.
That's the point, isn't it? We can acknowledge that the offending person was maybe depressed, grieving, or recovering from traume or abuse, or having other difficulties. Mental health problems can affect any of us. However, most of us when similarly afflicted don't deal with the problem by accessing extreme pornography or engaging in other illegal activities online. It's a choice they made, and it's a choice they kept secret from the people they loved, because they knew their loved ones would have been upset or disapproved of what they were doing. Even if they didn't consider it to be illegal, I think most of them realise its morally wrong, and if they have a partner, a betrayal of that partner.
I've tried to get over what my partner has done, but it's the betrayal and deceit I find hardest to accept.