Family and Friends Forum

This is something I question over and over again. It's been 9 months now since we received 'The Knock' and the amount of times I've spoken to my partner about these thoughts. I don't know how many times I've asked "Are you really sure you only did it because of a porn addiction? Are you really sure you don't actually have feelings for minors?" And every time he's been adamant that he doesn't and it was all about the porn addiction, he says it's something he's spoken about a lot with his different therapist and they've all agreed that it's because of the addiction but I suppose it's still hard to trust. I still get those doubts sometimes, what if I'm trusting him and it's all a lie, what if I'm staying in a relationship with someone that genuinely has those feelings towards minors/children and is still trying to hide it? Sometimes the overthinking and your thoughts can really get the better of you.

I feel the same. I think I believe my husband when he says he's not interested in minors but his reason is stress and there are so many other ways to combat stress than chatting online. He also says that he knew most profiles were fake and was calling people out on being fake, but when I've been googling I've seen that excuse used by other offenders and do wonder if its just an excuse. He seemed so sure that he hadn't done what the police said because of this excuse. And on one of the chats with the decoys he does call them out for being fake. It's so hard to believe that he could do this, but then I never thought he'd be chatting online, nor chatting sexually with other women, and yet that is what he has done.

I felt the same and I felt I also had a responsibility to really interrogate this thought. I remember at the beginning of this journey I asked something the same, hoping someone could point me in the direction of something that explicitly showed research that joined the two, unfortunately I didn't come across anything.

I spoke to my therapist, one that was recommend by name through this forum and we did some work talking about my partner, what we knew of him, what I knew of the offence. What I did learn was that it was highly unlikely that he was a P (scientific term not News of the World term - I did lots of reading and watching to understand what it means to be a P ) but he also wasn't repulsed like most people would be and he could gain some gratification from it (this was hard, because realistically I felt there was no real way I could argue this wasn't the case). There are a number of reasons this can happen for example not believing there is any harm, not believing its real, being "attracted" to a certain element of a child for example the power, ability to easily manipulate etc


I'm short, I didn't find any one piece of information, it was reading, listening and watching to lots of different material that helped me rule in some and rule out others. I also had a history with my person as a friend prior to this where some of the other traits related to porn and sex addiction were very apparent and something we'd spoken about before we became a couple and before the offence occurred (he refused to think it was a problem though, a trait, but not a problem).


If anyone has anything more specific that shows a direct link, I'd too be interested to read it.

All the above posts and the feeling described are so true and valid.
There's many reasons why we as partners find it so hard to get rid of these doubts and horrible thoughts. The basic things is these partners lied and that has taken away any trust whatsoever. The fact that they did the unthinkable has just tipped us over the edge.
I often wondered what I would do if my partner ever cheated. I now know he did that too but then eventually that wasn't enough. The thrill and the addiction to online chatting was overwhelming. It was so easy to pick up the phone and start chatting to random strangers. He wouldn't approach a women for sex in real life but behind the screen he had the courage and confidence to do that. He'd never have in a million years talked sexually to men who clearly pretended to be women but it was strangely erotic, something he knew was out of his norm and the other person was willing to oblige with whatever suggestions made during the chat. I think that's when my persons boundaries gradually widened and then started to erode to the point where he became someone even he wouldn't recognise. Then came the chats with "minors". He said he had had a few people who said they were minors but he knew it was (mostly) adult men pretending and even told them to go away but on this one occasion he decided to indulge and 5 months after that chat came the knock.
Do I believe him? I'd like to but the reality is I don't really know this man anymore. He'd been online chatting explicitly looking for sexual encounters with women, then there's the men and then the couples and finally the "minors".

Things just kept getting worse as time went on. Do I stand by this man because I don't believe he was in the right frame of mind or do I shake myself and remind myself of how well he hid what he was doing? I'd never ever have thought he'd cheat on me let alone go as low as he did and put us through hell.
He is ashamed, disgusted by himself and deeply regrets ALL of what he did over the years. Is it enough? Had we not had the knock, would he still be doing it? Would I still be playing the dumb, trusting and doting wife? Sadly, the answer to those 2 questions is YES. He would still be doing it and I'd have been none the wiser.
For me a good marriage/partnership consists of 3 critical components; love, trust and respect. Do I love him? If yes, who is it I love because he isn't who I thought he was. I've lost all respect and the trust is long gone.

We have had some wonderful years. In fact the best of my life so it makes it so hard but shockingly I'm still here.



I'm sorry I wasn't able to offer anything in this post. It's more me thinking out loud. Sometimes it feels like I'll lose my mind and wish I was dead. I can't talk to any family or friends about this. I'm scared and ashamed of my life choices and the fear of losing any more than I have already lost.
x

Thank you for your post Jayjay. It has made me think about my situation. My OH will not really talk about it. When I feel stronger I am going to make him becasue if he does not I will walk away. We have been married over 30 years and I love him but I really not sure if I can live this, only time will tell. Xx

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I think you shouldn't take anything anyone says at face value, but look at the whole situation. For sure people are going to some extent say what is expected of them, and to some degree they may agree or not with what they are saying. Controversially I don't personally think the whole "create a market" is very evidence based when it comes to the majority of cases. But an offender can't really state that, as they will be seen to be minimising the impact of their actions, when in some cases they are just being more logical. I think what I'm saying is the system discourges honest conversations, as it can lead to heavier sentences or more monitoring.

As a guy I've looked at a lot of porn (nothing about children, that is a line I would never cross). But I have looked a lot of things that I found a turn off, just out of curiosity, so I don't for a minute think just because someone looked at some illegal content, that it automatically means that they ae a pedo. My partners case was a single bulk download of less than 100 images, where he deleted them straight away. Considering they examined his computer that he held for many years, I actually thought that showed he didn't have an interest in this area. My logic was that someone who had an interest in this would be looking at it often and on different dates. The police and courts felt otherwise.

For the "creating a market", "contributing to the abuse" statements that many make, I just didn't see how that was logical in my partners case. With P2P it was unlikely the abuser/uploader would ever know how many times the content had been viewed, if ever. The supply/demand argument is tenunous at best in these circumstances. In my view the courts should stick to what can actual be proven, and keep the emotion out of it.

Anyway, I think it is good to question what our partners say and believe, but also question what the criminal justice system says too. Often the reality is somewhere in the middle.

Zack, funnily enough I was questioning this aspect of demand just yesterday. I know from my our experience with porn I've found myself looking at things that I certainly didn't start looking for - Not because I searched anything different, just the pages of "recommended" slowly start moving away from the initial search. I guess this is more opportunistic as I still have a choice whether I want to view the video. There is a lot of push rather than pull that happens on many Internet related activities.

There probably is a demand from some people wanting to view, but I don't know what percentage that would be. I know there are some types/themes I like to watch for example and I've maybe seen a lot of the films before so if I want something new then I need someone to create more content - If the people that are creating it can see that demand, either through number of downloads, comments and money then I can see it does drive demand.

There are two bits of research that might be helpful. The first is about how the offenders see children as 'different', when they are online, compared to real life.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0145213418304526

“In the street they’re real, in a picture they’re not”: Constructions of children and childhood among users of online child sexual exploitation material"

and the second, which is about the addiction process.

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/10790632211070797

“It was in Control of Me”: Notions of Addiction and Online Child Sexual Exploitation Material Offending"

I know where you are coming from Jayjay. I think it's sad to think my son will always have to be careful near children with all the restrictions that will be in place when he gets out of prison.

I just do not see him as a threat around children - but on the other hand being honest the stuff he was looking at was pretty horrific. You really do not know what goes on in the mind - even of a very much loved one.

It's all quite confusing - are you clouded by sentiment, loyalty in your attempt to justify to yourself why a person goes down this road, especially of a loved one.

it's really hard to understand isn't it? Quite mind blowing......