Partner is home
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So my partner came home at the weekend. No contact restrictions, on SOR and SS gone.
I should be happy, overjoyed but I'm not.
I have been used to my own space for the last year, he is annoying the hell out of me.
im struggling mentally, I'm still resentful, I do not want him to think he's got off lightly because he's home, it's like I want to keep punishing him. I can't sleep with him, I can't tell him I love him.
I know this is what most ladies here want, their partners home, I feel ungrateful, but I can't help the way I feel, I'm struggling. Maybe it's just over, maybe I will never get over what he did to us and our family x
I should be happy, overjoyed but I'm not.
I have been used to my own space for the last year, he is annoying the hell out of me.
im struggling mentally, I'm still resentful, I do not want him to think he's got off lightly because he's home, it's like I want to keep punishing him. I can't sleep with him, I can't tell him I love him.
I know this is what most ladies here want, their partners home, I feel ungrateful, but I can't help the way I feel, I'm struggling. Maybe it's just over, maybe I will never get over what he did to us and our family x
Hi Jayjay,
Honestly I am sure this is all a normal feeling love, can I ask wat u mean by no restrictions, obviously once I have got the strength to fight again I want mine oh home too, hope u don't mind me asking. But honestly just take things slowly and I would say talk about how u both feel xx he might be struggling too, I'm sure if u r anything like me he won't have got off lightly and further down the line than u xx
Sending good wishes and lots of hugs love xx
Honestly I am sure this is all a normal feeling love, can I ask wat u mean by no restrictions, obviously once I have got the strength to fight again I want mine oh home too, hope u don't mind me asking. But honestly just take things slowly and I would say talk about how u both feel xx he might be struggling too, I'm sure if u r anything like me he won't have got off lightly and further down the line than u xx
Sending good wishes and lots of hugs love xx
Perhaps now is the time to sit with your feelings until things become clearer only then will you be able to decide how to move forward x
Hi Dawn,
Hope you're ok.
He has no contact restrictions on SHPO only internet based such as not deleting browsing history. Obviously with SOR there are some rules he has to follow and children can't have friends round without disclosing to parents first.
x
Hope you're ok.
He has no contact restrictions on SHPO only internet based such as not deleting browsing history. Obviously with SOR there are some rules he has to follow and children can't have friends round without disclosing to parents first.
x
Post deleted
Thanks Daffofil. Happy to answer all.
Irratating - you know when you first move in with someone and they drive you crazy, invading your routine, not having the bed to yourself haha and you want everything done your way, like youre used to - nothing to do with the crime as such, just bloody irritating.
He says he hasn't got off lightly as he will regret why he did everyday for the rest of his life, and he hates seeing me so down. He's lost job and friends.
I think I've been his (and everyone else's) rock throughout this past year that I put myself last and only now am I grieving for the life I've lost.
He has done lots of work on himself and knows how he did what he did and he's sorry for everything.
I suppose I think he should be worshipping the ground I walk on for staying and everything I've done for him and our family, he's not good at showing his feelings, half of the problem how he got into this. He needs to show me that he loves him and I've told him this. He says I don't let him near me, which I suppose is true. But I'm dealing with a lot of emotions and sadness.
I've not very good at forgiving or forgetting and I know that's unhealthy, I've always been the same. I'm having therapy myself and when that finishes we we do couple counselling, I have to try everything.
x
Irratating - you know when you first move in with someone and they drive you crazy, invading your routine, not having the bed to yourself haha and you want everything done your way, like youre used to - nothing to do with the crime as such, just bloody irritating.
He says he hasn't got off lightly as he will regret why he did everyday for the rest of his life, and he hates seeing me so down. He's lost job and friends.
I think I've been his (and everyone else's) rock throughout this past year that I put myself last and only now am I grieving for the life I've lost.
He has done lots of work on himself and knows how he did what he did and he's sorry for everything.
I suppose I think he should be worshipping the ground I walk on for staying and everything I've done for him and our family, he's not good at showing his feelings, half of the problem how he got into this. He needs to show me that he loves him and I've told him this. He says I don't let him near me, which I suppose is true. But I'm dealing with a lot of emotions and sadness.
I've not very good at forgiving or forgetting and I know that's unhealthy, I've always been the same. I'm having therapy myself and when that finishes we we do couple counselling, I have to try everything.
x
Jayjay
It's going to take a huge about of adjusting after a year. You have every right to feel resentful. Have you considered relationship counselling to explore whether the relationship has a future?
I'm going through similar feelings at the moment but it's only been 2 months and he's not home yet. As he initially pleaded not guilty, I thought we had months before we had to face this but he's considering changing his plea to get it over with. I haven't missed him being here, but not sure if that is because I'm still angry. I also can't imagine having sex with him, it gives me the ick. I'm so disappointed in him and I can't see that changing. He's not the person I thought he was. Also the impact for my kids who are teenagers living with someone on SOR, means I don't want him to come home. We're having a chat next week about our future. I'm sad that I don't think we have a future, but also relieved at moving on, if that makes sense.
It's going to take a huge about of adjusting after a year. You have every right to feel resentful. Have you considered relationship counselling to explore whether the relationship has a future?
I'm going through similar feelings at the moment but it's only been 2 months and he's not home yet. As he initially pleaded not guilty, I thought we had months before we had to face this but he's considering changing his plea to get it over with. I haven't missed him being here, but not sure if that is because I'm still angry. I also can't imagine having sex with him, it gives me the ick. I'm so disappointed in him and I can't see that changing. He's not the person I thought he was. Also the impact for my kids who are teenagers living with someone on SOR, means I don't want him to come home. We're having a chat next week about our future. I'm sad that I don't think we have a future, but also relieved at moving on, if that makes sense.
I'd say these feelings are normal. We've already agreed after sentencing we'd still not live together until off the sor, just makes life easier. We are making it work now and I'm quiet happy on my own with my teen daughter, my boys cone and go so keeping it all completely separate nowand it's what works for us. Noones at risk and no bail. Conditions get broken. Juat taje it a day at a time honey don't be so hard in yourself. Look after you x
Jayjay - I'm glad I found your post. I logged on today to specifically talk about issues with partners since coming home.
My husband returned in the summer of 2019 after a short prison sentence. I was sure I wanted us to remain together and we have gone on to have a family (with the OK from social services). He's a good dad and decent husband generally. We retain a friendship, similar views on raising the children and much love. I don't have concerns about him reoffending because we have lots of measures in place / he shows remorse / has done work with the foundation about his behaviours / wider family are aware of the situation. Disclaimer - I understand the buck lies with him though and his desire to stay on the straight and narrow.
I'm slowly getting used to the fact he can't have much to do with our social life - partly his prevention order and partly common sense. I just tell our new friends that he is a workaholic! It does cause resentment that he can't help out e.g. take the kids to softplay to give me a break, come to our friends houses or do the nursery run when I'm ill. The main issue, however, is that I don't want to sleep with him - haven't done in over two years. There's been a few comments on here about it - us ladies feel icky about the idea and understandably so. Everything else is decent in our relationship but I refuse to give up sex. I've made enough compromises. I'm seeing my therapist on Monday to discuss. I can always check back here with any enlightening comments she makes....
Anyway, sending strength and metta (loving kindness - I'm Buddhist).
My husband returned in the summer of 2019 after a short prison sentence. I was sure I wanted us to remain together and we have gone on to have a family (with the OK from social services). He's a good dad and decent husband generally. We retain a friendship, similar views on raising the children and much love. I don't have concerns about him reoffending because we have lots of measures in place / he shows remorse / has done work with the foundation about his behaviours / wider family are aware of the situation. Disclaimer - I understand the buck lies with him though and his desire to stay on the straight and narrow.
I'm slowly getting used to the fact he can't have much to do with our social life - partly his prevention order and partly common sense. I just tell our new friends that he is a workaholic! It does cause resentment that he can't help out e.g. take the kids to softplay to give me a break, come to our friends houses or do the nursery run when I'm ill. The main issue, however, is that I don't want to sleep with him - haven't done in over two years. There's been a few comments on here about it - us ladies feel icky about the idea and understandably so. Everything else is decent in our relationship but I refuse to give up sex. I've made enough compromises. I'm seeing my therapist on Monday to discuss. I can always check back here with any enlightening comments she makes....
Anyway, sending strength and metta (loving kindness - I'm Buddhist).
Hi G3mini,
Do you find that living with someone on SOR does interfere with social life and day to day life? I'm assuming your partner has contact restrictions on an SHPO?
How did you meet new friends, did you move away?
We slept together several times before he moved in Now he's moved in, I feel differently, maybe it's me, maybe it's Psychological?! Maybe I am just trying to keep punishing him x
Do you find that living with someone on SOR does interfere with social life and day to day life? I'm assuming your partner has contact restrictions on an SHPO?
How did you meet new friends, did you move away?
We slept together several times before he moved in Now he's moved in, I feel differently, maybe it's me, maybe it's Psychological?! Maybe I am just trying to keep punishing him x
Hello Jay!
First of all, I firmly believe forgiving and forgetting can not occur until the anger have been allowed to happen. Society spects, specially from us women, to jump from the act, and automatically forget and that is ridiculous.
You are more than allowed to want to keep him at bay for what he has done. It will take time and he needs to understand that.
As an aside, my person has the same restrictions as yours but we're still waiting for the go ahead for him to live here again. Did your person just moved in and dealt with SS later? Do you mind walking me thru the steps followed after conviction?
It's been more than a year for us, I need to finally move on :(
First of all, I firmly believe forgiving and forgetting can not occur until the anger have been allowed to happen. Society spects, specially from us women, to jump from the act, and automatically forget and that is ridiculous.
You are more than allowed to want to keep him at bay for what he has done. It will take time and he needs to understand that.
As an aside, my person has the same restrictions as yours but we're still waiting for the go ahead for him to live here again. Did your person just moved in and dealt with SS later? Do you mind walking me thru the steps followed after conviction?
It's been more than a year for us, I need to finally move on :(
Hi Green,
I did have a nightmare with SS to begin with, kept saying I was minimising, the assessment was awful and lots untrue, even the crime was incorrect in it and kept referring to him as being arrested and charged. He has still to this day never been arrested, he admitted it straight away and everything was voluntary and at that point devices hadn't been checked so we didn't know if there was definitely going to be a charge.
I highlighted everything that was incorrect and asked them to change it via email so I had proof. Kept us open on child in need unless post sentencing.
Thankfully got a new SW and I made them book a visit for just after sentencing and asked them outright if the case could be closed due to our own safety plan and all positive mitigating factors. They said they knew he wasn't a risk to our children (quite shocked they actually said that) and once they closed case it was up to me if I wanted him to move back in, that they would not reopen the case unless they had a new referral (PO/Mosovo would hve refered if any concerns).
I do think it helped that I was proactive in contacting them regularly, asking questions and pointing out their mistakes (in a constructive way) correcting them, challenging them if I wasn't happy with something and keeping everything in writing as proof. I wasn't a nightmare by any stretch but I was firm and they didn't scare me - on the outside anyway!!
A week later I emailed them and asked for something in writing to say case will be closed and that it was ok for him to move back home (as PO wanted proof that it was ok with SW) they emailed back to say, case was closed, they recommend him staying a couple of nights a week initially and building it up and there was issues with unsupervised contact).
He asked PO and Mosovo officer and they both thought it was a good positive move for him and told him to go to the station and change his address. So moved back in .... and I still want to kill him haha x
I did have a nightmare with SS to begin with, kept saying I was minimising, the assessment was awful and lots untrue, even the crime was incorrect in it and kept referring to him as being arrested and charged. He has still to this day never been arrested, he admitted it straight away and everything was voluntary and at that point devices hadn't been checked so we didn't know if there was definitely going to be a charge.
I highlighted everything that was incorrect and asked them to change it via email so I had proof. Kept us open on child in need unless post sentencing.
Thankfully got a new SW and I made them book a visit for just after sentencing and asked them outright if the case could be closed due to our own safety plan and all positive mitigating factors. They said they knew he wasn't a risk to our children (quite shocked they actually said that) and once they closed case it was up to me if I wanted him to move back in, that they would not reopen the case unless they had a new referral (PO/Mosovo would hve refered if any concerns).
I do think it helped that I was proactive in contacting them regularly, asking questions and pointing out their mistakes (in a constructive way) correcting them, challenging them if I wasn't happy with something and keeping everything in writing as proof. I wasn't a nightmare by any stretch but I was firm and they didn't scare me - on the outside anyway!!
A week later I emailed them and asked for something in writing to say case will be closed and that it was ok for him to move back home (as PO wanted proof that it was ok with SW) they emailed back to say, case was closed, they recommend him staying a couple of nights a week initially and building it up and there was issues with unsupervised contact).
He asked PO and Mosovo officer and they both thought it was a good positive move for him and told him to go to the station and change his address. So moved back in .... and I still want to kill him haha x
JayJay - unsure if you'll see this reply. I thought I had notifications set up but clearly not as months have passed. I've been dealing with severe depression so things are wonky at the best of times!
Anyway, to answer your question, yes there is a shpo in place. The sole issue being that it prohibits my hubby from going into a household (taken to mean house, garden, even driveway) where an under 16 female is. I made a couple of new friends when my boys started nursery (we changed our family name prior to this) and sods law, both have two daughters each. I cover by saying he's working and we meet up as families in public spaces but I do resent the lying. These four girls are all 5 and under so I have little concern because he was arrested for talking online to girls around 13 years old and he wouldn't be out of my sight if they came round to our house / visa versa BUT we always respect the shpo.
The bigger issue (if you can believe there is one) is that we have to be very careful where my hubby goes. Not because of the shpo but because (as his SOMU officer quite rightly advised) if something happens, he may not be guilty but he would be first in the firing line. Then we'd risk police being involved, perhaps social services - you get the idea. This has resulted in him staying away from soft play centres, swimming pools, kids sports clubs (e.g. play gym). Places I'd like to meet up with our friends whether they have boys or girls. 2.5 years in, I won't lie - this is really wearing my down. It's like witness protection where you know the truth but live with a fear that other people will find out.
I've talked to a therapist on and off for years. I appreciate that when my boys are at school, they will probably be friends with other boys so the house thing won't be relevant but where we choose to socialise will be.
We've not slept together since I was about 6 months pregnant. The first year was wiped out with my post natal depression but even 1.5 years passed that, I just have no desire. Rightly or wrongly we went to counselling to discuss on open relationship. I did so much research especially around limits and boundaries but he just got cross and refused to try. I and other family, think his coping mechanism is to block out the offending and live like it didn't happen but for me, I'm living with the consequences arguably more than him.
I'd hate to break up our family. My sons love their Dad. Realistically though, can I go on like this?
With metta.
Anyway, to answer your question, yes there is a shpo in place. The sole issue being that it prohibits my hubby from going into a household (taken to mean house, garden, even driveway) where an under 16 female is. I made a couple of new friends when my boys started nursery (we changed our family name prior to this) and sods law, both have two daughters each. I cover by saying he's working and we meet up as families in public spaces but I do resent the lying. These four girls are all 5 and under so I have little concern because he was arrested for talking online to girls around 13 years old and he wouldn't be out of my sight if they came round to our house / visa versa BUT we always respect the shpo.
The bigger issue (if you can believe there is one) is that we have to be very careful where my hubby goes. Not because of the shpo but because (as his SOMU officer quite rightly advised) if something happens, he may not be guilty but he would be first in the firing line. Then we'd risk police being involved, perhaps social services - you get the idea. This has resulted in him staying away from soft play centres, swimming pools, kids sports clubs (e.g. play gym). Places I'd like to meet up with our friends whether they have boys or girls. 2.5 years in, I won't lie - this is really wearing my down. It's like witness protection where you know the truth but live with a fear that other people will find out.
I've talked to a therapist on and off for years. I appreciate that when my boys are at school, they will probably be friends with other boys so the house thing won't be relevant but where we choose to socialise will be.
We've not slept together since I was about 6 months pregnant. The first year was wiped out with my post natal depression but even 1.5 years passed that, I just have no desire. Rightly or wrongly we went to counselling to discuss on open relationship. I did so much research especially around limits and boundaries but he just got cross and refused to try. I and other family, think his coping mechanism is to block out the offending and live like it didn't happen but for me, I'm living with the consequences arguably more than him.
I'd hate to break up our family. My sons love their Dad. Realistically though, can I go on like this?
With metta.
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Thanks for redirecting the post but I am feeling the same as Jayjay however I have not let my person back full time although it's completely my choice, so he took that as he was coming back and everything would go back to 'normal' I was like Woah no way! he annoys me and I am very resentful about the position I will be put in even just having him under the same roof we are not currently in a relationship. I'm soo stuck as to what to do for the best for me/the children!
Thank you for your insight ladies x
Thank you for your insight ladies x
Jayjay, so happy he's back home with you all and it sounds like you didn't have to fight too much compared to others, so I guess you have that to be thankful for? However... Absolutely understand your frustrations!!!
We have sentencing soon and we are only expecting internet based on SHPO, so your post had given me so much hope that it is possible to get the family living back together in a timely manner (although much to your annoyance!!!) Xx
We have sentencing soon and we are only expecting internet based on SHPO, so your post had given me so much hope that it is possible to get the family living back together in a timely manner (although much to your annoyance!!!) Xx