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Thank so much for sharing your experience again Esther, you're an amazing person.

I'm still in shock, but am starting to feel angry. I am not financially independent and my kids adore their father, so in the short-term, he is still in the family home.

However, if I'm honest with myself, everything is tainted, I now hate our home in which we've shared many happy years. I am feeling very conflicted as I feel like I'm condoning what has happened, when in reality, we simply have nowhere else to go and I'm not quite in the headspace yet to be making major decisions or seeking financial advice, I can't even eat yet!

i feel like hanging my head in shame and am not really speaking to anyone very much.

Thank you Esther - this is exactly the thread I needed right now.

I had a pretty rough day emotionally yesterday (3 weeks since “the knock”, partner’s first proper day back at work, me working from home and alone with my thoughts), and this is something that has kept going over in my mind because I’ve yet to find a “success” story.

I’m still pretty certain I want to stay with my partner - before all this, I can happily say he was the best boyfriend I’ve ever had, and the only one I’ve seriously wanted to spend the rest of my life with, without a single doubt. We met through mutual friends who had insisted for years before we met that we’d be perfect for each other, and we were. I’m normally quite cautious about falling for someone, but I was basically head over heels from the start - he just “got” me.

My family love him, and I get on great with his parents too. We’ve even joked in the past that if we ever broke up my parents would choose him over me, they get on so well!!

He is what I’d call a quiet extrovert - gets on great with everyone he meets and always happy to socialise, but also quite stoic; never really showing lots of emotion, not much of a talker unless prompted.

He’s always been the most caring and thoughtful person - always the first to offer help to friends (or friends of friends of friends...) when they need it; always being a shoulder to cry on when others need it.

He’s an intelligent and talented guy with a good career (although he’s been bored in his current role and eager to develop it for a while, which his current company doesn’t have many options for, leaving him frustrated), however many of his hobbies have fallen by the wayside over the years due to a lack of focus (brought on by underlying depression as I have now discovered and the apparent porn addiction which brought us to where we are now).

He insists that what has happened (viewing/downloading indecent images) is as a result of a porn addiction which spiralled out of control. He says he feels aroused basically all of the time, which started at quite a young age (around 7/8, before he hit puberty). He discovered “porn” (page 3 and the like) when he was about 10, and it all escalated from there. When his family got broadband at home, he says he discovered online porn by accident trying to go to a different website, but found himself instantly hooked. It became a crutch for him throughout his teenage years, and became a slippery slope when he bought his own place after uni.

I was oblivious to all of this until the knock. We’ve been together for 3 years and living together for 1, but I work long hours and have a lengthy commute (always texting him when I’m on my way home at long last!) whilst he works variable hours - meaning he never had to “hide” what he was doing. There was ample opportunity to act out without me ever suspecting a thing. It may be naive of me, but being honest I didn’t even know he looked at porn at all - it’s not something that has ever been a part of our relationship, and not something that would have ever even have crossed my mind; let alone the level of things I am now discovering!

He says he never enjoyed viewing the indecent images - that it felt like a compulsion he was not in control of; like something else had taken over him. He says he’d eventually pull himself out of it and immediately have a panic attack over what he’d done.

He says he tried to quit it all when I moved in - managing to do so for a couple of months (him relapsing back to old habits coincides with what was a particularly busy and stressful time for us both with work). He had deleted everything, blocked websites etc., but never thought to seek help as he was so ashamed by it all and says he didn’t know what help was available.

We have moments where I almost forget and he’s the same wonderful boyfriend he always was - then the reality of what he’s done comes rushing back again and leaves me torn. He swears he never enjoyed any of it and regrets not seeking help sooner - not because he was caught, but because of the pain it’s causing me and his parents. He’s doing everything he can now - he’s joined SAA, he’s seeing his GP for hormone tests and to be referred for therapy, and he’s booked onto the Inform Plus course.



Hopefully the above gives you some context for why I want to stay and support him through this, but also why it’s a decision I’m still not sure I have fully made. I know it’s a long and painful road ahead, regardless of my decision.

Sorry for the long post!

Crystal I know how you feel - the last thing either of us is doing is condoning their actions, but I also worry that that is how it will be perceived. For that reason I haven’t told anyone either myself, though I have a doctors appointment scheduled so I can try to seek some counselling for this.

Our house also feels tainted. We had been looking to buy a bigger house together (my boyfriend owns the current property), but that’s obviously indefinitely on hold now - although my boyfriend is still desperate to move because the place holds so many bad associations for him.

In the meantime, we’ve taken to making small changes to disrupt the feeling of the environment - painting a room, changing the curtains and cushions, rearranging the furniture. Anything to make it feel different. It’s helping us both, so could be an idea to try something similar?

It is very good to be able to read these posts - I felt like I was the only person in the world in my situation. I am staying with my husband and 7 months since his arrest, we are very close. But it would not be possible without his utter commitment to change and get better. His determination to understand why he did what he did, and to recover and become a person who will never re-offend, has been unwavering. Without that, I don't think we could be together. Through his court process my support was a significant factor and was a large part of why he got a suspended sentence, so if you do decide to stay, you can make a huge difference.



Good luck and my heart is with you

Thank you so much Jess - this is exactly what I needed to hear; you have no idea how much relief this has given me. My partner, at least so far, is absolutely aghast at what he has done and is 100% dedicated to recovery and never relapsing. Like you, I know I can only stand by him so long as this is the case but it is so reassuring to hear from someone in a similar situation who has been able to support their partner. Thank you for sharing your story, and please know we are all here to support you on this journey xx

It's so good to hear your story. You are doing very well. My heart goes out to you both as it will not be easy. Thank you for saying this. It is so good to hear that I'm not 'weird' for staying with him.

I know what you mean Jess! It’s so reassuring to hear from someone who is further down the line than I am, who has made the same decision and can testify that their support has been instrumental in helping their partner to rebuild their life and make better choices moving forward. Honestly I’ve had a tough couple of days, so just knowing I’m not the only one to want to stand by my partner and see the good in them is such a comfort.

i hope you are doing well on your journey through this, and know that we are all here if ever you need us x

i think u ladies are fab for staying with your partners/ husbands and although my situation is my dad being the offender he only has me and i intend to stick by him although totally dontcagreecwith what he has done. i supose its judgement that we fear and a desire to keep normality for our families .to not burst that bubble completely xx

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Esther - I have had this debate myself. I have previously worked with (sometimes vulnerable) young people through various organisations, and have done lots of work with schools in the past. My current job doesn’t involve this, but it’s something I’m still passionate about - and I realise that staying with my partner puts that in jeopardy. I had even been approached about taking on a school governor role, but I know that’s definitely not an option now!

I’m keeping myself in check to make sure I don’t take on that mothering role, which is hard sometimes, but I know that if I let the dynamic slip that way then I would need to end it as we would never be equal. To be honest there are days I feel like I’m being a therapist rather than a girlfriend, as I try to understand what lead my partner to commit this terrible act. Does that make sense?! It’s only because I’m trying to encourage him to open up about his feelings (something he’s not used to doing).

Now the initial shock has worn off, I have told my partner I don’t want to hear an apology - I need to see him making an effort to put things right, which means doing everything he can for his own recovery as well as being totally open and honest with me, and that I will do exactly the same in return. That’s the only way I can see us being equal and rebuilding trust.

I do worry about what will happen if/when it comes out in the media and what impact that will have on us both - whether or not the relationship has survived to or beyond that point.

When the topic has come up, my boyfriend has expressed worry that he has “trapped” me due to his actions, and has said I should leave if I think for a second it will damage my reputation because he doesn’t want to hurt me more than he already has. He doesn’t want me to feel like I have to stay (which I don’t - I know it is my own choice to make, and I’m in the fortunate position that if I chose to leave I could comfortably support myself). I can understand why you would have so many feelings of guilt at leaving someone in that state of vulnerability, but it cannot be the only reason you stay and if you didn’t feel you could rebuild the trust and be equal then you absolutely made the right choice. The last thing I would ever want is to stay out of pity, because that will never be an equal relationship.



You are right that there is a cost either way - as Andrea has said, it’s a no win situation; we just have to decide which path we feel is the right one for each of us, remembering it not our fault and knowing that we are the only ones who can choose which path we take.

Hi all

Esther - what a great topic and one that we are all clearly relating to.

Some of what you wrote in your second longer post felt like it could have been me writing it, as strange as that might sound. My career requires a DBS certificate so it depended on me moving out...not to say it wasn’t terrifying in the first instance and as you explained, the love took time to fade in spite of the anger. For me, the mistrust was also too much, and the anxiety of it potentially happening again overwhelming, along with me not being willing to sacrifice my career.

It’s such a tough choice and one made even more tough if your job doesn’t require something like a DBS certificate. I was lucky that as we rented I could move out within 4 weeks but I absolutely detested coming home to the house. The memories of the police walking around, I had to keep his office room door closed at all times. Everything felt polluted. I coped in those 4 weeks by having big clear outs of my stuff and any clutter I felt I no longer needed, it as quite cathartic and helped Tom distract me from having to be at home in the evenings.

You’re all doing great and it’s so early days for some of you, be kind to yourself and you still have time to make decisions. In some ways taking more time to mull any decisions over will mean you eventually come to the right one for you, whether that is staying or not.

Take care x

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It has now been a week for me, and whilst shock remains, I’m beginning to feel other emotions which are constantly changing. I am not financially independent unfortunately and feel duty-bound to keep our outgoings to a minimum and save as much money as possible whilst employment is still available, so we are still all together in our family home. This is making me feel frustrated and confused because whilst it makes financial sense, I’m not liking how it’s making me feel. I’d ideally like to get away for a week or so to try and escape and gain some perspective, but can’t because the children need to be at school. I hate our home at the moment, it feels all wrong and our local vicar offered to bless it for me yesterday, which I found mildly amusing at the time, but now feel may actually be cathartic. I feel like I’ve done something hideously wrong as I wait for my (happy, or so I thought) life to be dismantled bit by bit. I’m dreading the look on my little kids faces when their Dad does eventually have to leave, but they’ll have me and I’ll take brilliant care of them. And when it gets to sentencing, I’m not sure if it’ll be safe for us to stay together if it gets out in the community, so I’m not sure if I get a choice anyway. I just thank my lucky stars for you all and try and remember that all this will happen over time, not overnight. It really is a nightmare trying to deal with practicalities whilst grieving the loss of a relationship.

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Andrea, I can’t tell you how much that means, that has boosted me a-hundred-fold. Thank you, sending you hugs.

D, I know exactly what you mean about your husband saying 'sorry'. At first I really needed it! and sometimes I still do. But we both realised that 'thank you' is a better word than 'sorry' and that deeds are more than words. His continued efforts to get better and look after us all, his new opennes and willingness to look inside himself to discover what went wrong, were what meant that I was able to stay with him. And I didn't have any of the challenges with work and children that others have had; our children are teenagers and social services judged him not to be a risk to our daughter, and my job is not affected. So I totally understand that my decision is not everyone's decision.

Jess that’s really reassuring to hear - thank you for that. Thankfully my work has mostly involved young adults and has not required a DBS check in the last couple of years, but some of my extracurricular/charitable endeavours would potentially require this. I guess it’s a case of weighing up what means more to me in the long run, as I can almost certainly find a way to continue my career without the need for a DBS check.

it is an incredibly hard decision, and one which will be unique to each of us.

Crystal - I want to echo what others have said; you are doing your very best, and none of this is your fault. Perhaps you could try visiting some family during the next school holiday to give you a small break? Xx

Hi,

It's so good to know that you are all usingn this forum and asking questions. I just wanted to say a few words about my situation and to assure you all that whatever you do, this is your choice and nobody should judge you. Only you know what the right thing to do is.

I am a wife of an offender and it is 8 years since the knock. We had children aged 3 and 7 and i had no idea that he was doign this. The decision to make him leave was taken out of my hands. Social Services said that if he stayed the kids would be taken away. Also the Polcie took great pleasure in telling me everything he had said about our sex life during questionning. I know deep down he said those things because he wanted an excuse, but it killed me inside and I could never be with him knowing he could say those things about me. I do believe that had the professional services treated us differently, we could have stayed together, but it was not possible.

My husband was arrested 5 months ago for sexual activity an is still on bail the police just keep extended it due to bac log. We have been together 19 years an married 12 an have to children. I am standing by my husband I do not condone at all day he had done but neither does he he is disgusted in himself. I have lost so many friends that have heard things from other people but non have actually asked me some even were very close friends. My famiky jave also sed they w8ll have nothing to do with me or the kids if I get bac with me but that is there choice I can not turn my bac on him he is my soul mate my best friend. We have had lots of bad months b4 he was arrested but b4 that we had a great life one that alot of people wanted. He has also helped raise over 35 thousand for different charities. I don't t9 try an have something after all this but don't think social will allow it tho x.

It is helpful to hear others are prepared to stay by their partners. My husband was convicted on Friday and will be sentenced in a few weeks. It is hard to take in as the amount of images he viewed was very low and the time he viewed was only over a few months. I know that isn't an excuse and maybe I would have a different opinions if it was more etc.but I believe everyone needs a second chance. Thing is I will have social services in contact asking what I will do next and to be honest I don't know. I am protecting my children but at the same time I think it's important that they can still have contact with him. He moved out of the house and at least social services will see if am helping etc but how do I go about saying I want to be a family? I don't want them thinking I am helping my husband as it's not about that. I just want the children to have a normal life

Hi rainbow. I'm just over a year in and past the court process etc and I have still not told social services what I want for the future. It's such a difficult decision and I change my mind on a daily basis. So please don't feel rushed into a decision. At the moment my husband is not living at home and throughout I have let the children maintain a relationship, access has to be supervised, initially I did it but following his admission of guilt my parents have to be there too. I completely get how you feel x

Hi tired mummy

Thanks for your reply. Are you standing by your husband? I agree, as much as I want to stay being a family in really don't know what I want to do. I might find that I can cope with him being away at night etc. I'm just thinking of the children being able to maintain a relationship. They are only just teenagers so as they get older they might decide they don't need to see him as much as I think they do. It's just so hard to know what is for the best.

I'm supporting him best I can dealing with the fallout and his mental health. I still don't know whether I want to be with him again or not. My emotions are still so mixed. He is a good man and a great dad but sometimes the implications of what he's done are overwhelming and I don't know if l .can get over what he's put me through x

That's exactly how I feel. My husband is a good person and a great dad too so that's why it makes it harder. I don't know if I could feel the same way I used to but I know we will stay friends. That's why I will find it hard talking to social services as they will just see him for what he's done. I'm hoping she will be understanding and supportive and not just say what we can and can't do. At the end of the day it's about what is best for the children and I think it's important they can see their dad

I think social services don't understand this crime at all, for them it's so black and white. Although my social worker hasn't said it I've always felt a slight pressure to end the relationship. It's all so frustrating. They need educated. As does society.

Hi rainbow and tired mummy. I think what your experiencing this mix of emotions is normal. So please don’t be hard on yourselves. I had the knock 5 days before Christmas and it was a horrible shock. I don’t know if I am getting over the shock yet or just having some good days mixed with the bad. Though your not alone I can’t piece together that how could someone who was a good man in his day to day life have this complicated secret relationship behind a computer. It certainly wasn’t the same him I knew or shared a bed with.

It literally sends your head spinning.

i am seeing my social worker tomorrow. They are doing the minimum visits every six weeks so can’t be to concerned.

Yes I am separated as I am very upset about the lies. I know people can’t simply open up and say I am looking at indecent images but he could have said he was depressed .

so yes while I do still care for his mental health and want him to get support for his issues. He needs to do this not me.

like you said he is still going to be a part of my life and I do care for him. But can’t imagine being intimate again. I am going to try and explain this to the social worker tomorrow. Hopefully they don’t feel I am minamising the situation. Like you said the situation can be very black and white for them. I know they are managing the proposed risk to the individual child. But I will still be supportive of him seeing her ( supervised by me or my mum)

i hope this all makes sense and isn’t too rambling.

Ps forgot to add, you know these men best . Your right tired mummy that society needs to be educated to understand the risks in these relationships. It’s a big step to say from having the photos to go to a contact offence.

we should all be able to make the choices that are right for us as individuals and not be condemned by the media and narrow minded individuals. Obviously children’s safety comes first.

I actually think my ex

Hi bethlou23 so sorry to hear your story. Getting the knock is hard and especially at that time of year. I feel the same, my husband will always be my friend even though he has made a mistake, don't we all but I will never have the feelings I used too. He's a caring dad which is why I still want him to be a part of the childrens lives. I think it's too soon to forgive everything though. I feel we need to know what the sentence is and then go from there x

I guess one thing I have realised over the last year or so is this; if you are in a situation which means it is possible to understand and forgive (and absolutely that isn't always the case) then you get back your past as well as your future. My husband's addiction had been hidden for maybe 15 years. At first I felt like our marriage was tainted, and I looked back for signs of it, finding them, thinking how stupid and gullible I had been. But the more I worked with him on understanding the addiction, the easier it became. He was not an evil liar, he was a shamed and desperate addict going to great lengths to hide his problems from the family he loved. So my past is somehow no longer spoiled and 'wrong' - I can look back at all the good times and enjoy them, and I realise that so many of the times when he was remote and distant were when he was in the grip of the addiction, and nothing to do with him failing to love us dearly. And now that he is 'clean' (and working hard to stay so) I see the difference so clearly!

I have to stay realistic and understand that he may relapse. And also this is only one case; so many folk have very different situations. But we are nearly a year on from the arrest (it was Valentine's day...) and so far so good.

Jess what a nice post to read. It’s so often people talk about what they have lost from the knock. It’s good that you had some elements of hope and working honestly with your husband.

Everyone on hear knows their situation best . Sometimes we are do scared of the outside world judging us. I am not with my ex but I am his friend. I respect that we had history together.

I think it’s inspirating that you had a good outcome. I saw all the valentine things in the supermarket today, I hope you get to have a good evening. What a year xxx

Here not hear! Please forgive my bad typos . For some reason I just can’t read through before posting!

Hi, I'm new here. I wish this forum was around when I got that knock. My stomach still churns when I think of it.

I stayed with my husband. Not a lot of people accepted this, some of my family members refuse to even acknowledge his existence. My friends all disappeared from my life as apparently "your life is too dramatic". It's hard.

I didn't always stay with him. We had a brief separation during his sentencing. The pressure was too much for me so I asked him to leave. It took a while for me to realise he was a person before all this and he was still this person only the innocence was gone.

During his prison time Stop It Now found me a relationship counsellor. I worked with her alone until my husbands 13 weeks were over. 4 years on and we still see her as it is still difficult at times.

I have been harassed to a point I had to move towns, then harrassed in this one. Facebook groups were set up about me, describing me and my children. It was terrifying and nothing could be done about it due to freedom of speech and the excessive news stories.

It has taken until this week for social work to close our case. We still don't live together as I get harrassed, he doesn't which is very angering, so it's not fair he lives here and it gets amplified. We have 2 children to protect.

So now we are moving again, changing our name, starting fresh. I'm having to leave the job I love, my family and everything I know.

I chose to stand by him even though I am merely existing. Our children though are thriving. Do I regret it? Of course I do at times but I cannot imagine my life without him.

Sallyblue you are so brave. I don't have the courage to say whether or not I want to be with my husband. I am almost 1.5 years in same location and 2 young children. It's just so hard x

I can’t believe that I have only just found this thread, and oh how helpful it is. I am so inspired by those who have stayed with their husbands. Word for word you have expressed the feelings I have wrestled with, and I am so encouraged that you have managed to stand by your husbands and give them another chance. It is by no means the easy route, and seeing the genuine remorse of my husband and all that he is doing to change and put things right, makes me feel that he is worthy of that chance. I did like the comment about getting your past back as well as your future. I have barely any family support so it’s going to be hard, and we’re not through the legal process yet. It’s so good to have this forum and to learn from others. Thank-you for sharing your experiences and for your encouragement. Some days I don’t know which way is up, but I am drawing strength from your wise words, and know that my husband is so much more than this hateful thing that he got embroiled in. It’s good to have a place where I’m not condemned for finding that I want to forgive. I only wish we could meet up somehow.

Tired mummy, you will go from one view to another over and over. There are times you will want to be with him, times you wont, times you want to hug him ant tell him he is loved, yet other days you will want to hit him in the face with the fridge. You know what? That is ok! We are all different, I had friends and family insisting I leave him immediately but no one knows how they would act unless you are in that situation. Had it been my friend and not me my gut would tell them to leave. Now I understand it's not all so simple. X

We got the knock Fri morning. My husband of 22yrs admitted straight away that it was him so only his devices were checked. It was and forever will be the day that changed our lives. He is the father of my 3 teenage daughter's and has been the love of my life since we were 17. This is completely out of character and from what I know is quite a low level. It doesnt make it any different though and is still illegal. He was arrested on Fri and released on bail later that day to appear at court in 2 weeks. I have gon3 through all the emotions of shock, anger and disbelief. Firstly thinking he has destroyed our family and now only 3 days later thinking his case is different from any others. He's not bad like everyone else's partners. He has just been really stupid. I'm now thinking we can make our marriage work but that all depends on the outcome. My kids are my/our priority and their protection from what could come of this. At what point does children's best interests and their futures get taken in to serious consideration when it goes to court and the possibility of him being named ruins their innocent lives. I just want my normal loving happy family back :(

Hello Las123

I think one thing everyone has in common here or thinks the same, our partners/family members deep down are not bad people, from what I can gather it all stems from a porn addiction. This NEEDS to be less of a taboo subject so for the people that are struggling can seek help before it gets all of us into this nightmare which none of us wanted to be in.

It was my dad who offended not my partner, and all of my family (that knows) have chosen to stick by him as like everyone else, he has been an amazing dad to me and my brother and a supportive husband to my mum.

I couldn’t agree more, my dad had his course case recently and he got a suspended sentence and it went in the newspapers, his name and near enough the whole address of where we live (apart from our house number) it then went on social media as well, I think it’s so cruel as I don’t believe my dad is a bad guy but the people reading the article will read it as him being a dirty pedophile - none of these people are even thinking about the family members involved and how it can impact there life. I have been signed off work due to this as I’m just to scared to even go out now due to peoples comments.

On another hand I completely get why partners don’t stick around as it is the most difficult situation to try and get your head round, why would they consider doing this? I don’t think by any means it’s an ‘easier’ option leaving their partner as from the comments, you have to leave someone you have spent so much time with creating happy memories and you have to start all over again! I think I’m some ways it makes you stronger. People go through breakups out of choice, but in this situations there wasn’t a choice as none of us wanted our partners to make these silly mistakes, therefore it makes it even more difficult to leave as it was brought upon us.



Evie xx

I really want to post something here and share my experience, but I just can't find the words :(

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Hi Andrea,



Thank you for those kind words. My partner was arrested nearly 2 years ago now, and sentenced a year ago. It was incredibly hard, as I had no idea the extent of what had been going on. I partly blame myself, as I know he did access porn, but I put this down to being a typical guy thing. Before he confided in me what had occurred, he was extremely depressed and attempted to take his life, as a result of knowing what hed done. He confided in me, that he had been struggling with a pornography addiction for 20 years, and it finally spiralled out of control. He said he felt disgusted after he accessed the images and immediately deleted them. Although it was confirmed to be a very low number by the police, obviously there are consequences. I made the decision to stand by him, as I could see that he was very remorseful and has already begun counselling to get himself help. A member of my family was initially supportive in my decision to stand by him, and even helped me to see that it wasnt a bad thing for me to stay with him. Since then, this member has turned and my partner has been completely alienated by certain members of my family. I feel so lost and angry that I have been left in this position by them. Me and my partner made the decision to move in together after he had disclosed to me, which was then supported by family members that knew. Months down the line, they have tried to enforce me to end the relationship, despite the outcome being much better than we anticipated. I am angry at my partner for putting me in this situation, where I'm now always having to choose. He hates these family members as they have turned on him, after initially being very supportive! Although he is the result for all the these problems, I feel that my family are equally to blame through chopping and changing their. I have been told that these members that they will not have anything to do with my partner, even when he is off the register. We have now moved separately and got separate mortgages. This is a result of him feeling betrayed by my family, and thinking that I will also bail on him. Since moving out, I feel he is going down the depression route again, which is making me quite concerned. I feel that I am losing everyone. I feel that my family have put my relationship in jeopardy and I can never forgive thke for this, and I cannot forgive then for this. My partner has caused fractures within my family, and I dont know if I can forgive this. I truly want to stay with him, as I've honestly only ever seen my future with him. Sorry for the long post and jumbled thoughts. X

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Hi Rose.

My heart goes out to you, being stuck in the middle. I feel like a similar thing is developing in our extended family life, but we are not as far down the line as you.

Can I ask - you said it was a very small amount of images? That's what we have been told too, but partner is yet to have his interview. What Category of images were they in your case, and what was the outcome??

Christina x

I am so pleased I have come across this post. Like Evie, D and Jess, I cannot forget that my husband has been the most amazing, loving, and caring man for all these 13 years that we've been together. He fell into the trap of porn addiction over 20 years ago as a way of dealing with extreme anxiety and stress on his life ( which he has only realised now through his therapy and reflection). His severe addiction led him to view indecent images but he did not see the real person behind the photos. Now , having done enormous amount of self- reflection and online modules, he knows how wrong this was and that there were real victims behind those photos. This causes him an unbearable pain and, coupled with other consequences of his actions, has tipped him to a sevrr depression.

He has been very open and honest with me about everything since the knock and I feel like we are closer with each other that we have ever been before.

It was only natural for me to stay with him when he has been extremely remorseful and absolutely determined to overcome his addiction. He is doing everything he can.

Although,I know that there are very turbulent times ahead, I will do everything I can to support him. I cannot forget that he is a good person which has always lived by high principles.

What gives me hope is that when the storm is over, we will be once again a very happy family. Happier than before the knock, because we will be free of his secret addiction and stronger through surviving this terrible testing times.

Xxx

It feels so incredibly black and white to me. The man who can enjoy watching children be raped and assaulted is not a man I want in my home or my bed.

I understand it’s nit this way for everyone but it’s literally this clear to me.

Wolf,

I understand your point.. but from my

perspective it is not simply black and

white. Uk law is anyone under 18 is

still a child... The definition of a

paedophile is someone attracted to

prepubiscent children. Prior to the

change of law in 2003 newspapers

frequently allowed 16 year old girls

to be shown top less... This would now be

an offence... which is why the Sun changed

its policy.

Not all offenders view children... some are

arrested for looking at teen porn. I'm not

condoning what they have done... simply

pointing out that there are different levels

of offending... All illegal... But not the

same...

Snowdrop I agree, this situation is far from black and white. There are different levels of offending. And the different situations make it impossible to advice on whether someone stays with their partner or goes. Only they can make that decision for themselves when they are ready.

Dottie

I agree entirely with your reply. I'm sure wolfmama has made the right decision for herself. Each of us are facing and dealing with this nightmare in our own way... I'm sure wolfmama has struggled equally with this particular crime...

I have left my now ex partner and did the day the police knocked. I completely understand why people stay. Personally I've struggled with not hearing his side and am grieving the relationship I had.

Whichever decision people make, it's the best for that person and their own unique set of circumstances.

Love to all.