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Hi, this is my first post on here.
I had the knock 5 weeks ago. My life has been absolutely turned upside down and my feeling range daily. Some days I'm so upset and can't see any future, angry that me and my children have been put in this situation and then then other days I'm quite positive about helping him.
So, my OH has been taken for questioning about a picture of himself he'd sent online through social media to 3 girls who are under the age of 16. The duty solicitor has told him to be honest and he's admitted he did it. They're currently looking through his phone, but from reading posts on here it could take months.
SS have been and are happy that I am keeping the children safe. I have 2 girls from a previous relationship and we both have a 3 yr old son together. He can visit but needs supervision and isn't allowed to stop overnight.
I've told my parents as I will need help with childcare who have been very supportive to both of us. They are in total disbelief he would do this as it is so out of character.
From talking to him after this it transpires he has a gambling addiction and he was sexually abused as a child. Some days I just don't feel like I can cope with it all and it'd be easier to just walk away. I hate liars and not sure how I could trust him again but I do still love him. He is a great dad and step dad and I'm confident my children are safe but am I being blinkered.
I've contacted a solicitor as I want to give him the best chance possible as selfishly I don't want him to go to prison because of the affect it'll have on our children but the costs are so high. Am I a fool to put myself out of pocket for someone who has lied to me. He's not saying too much at the moment which is infuriating, I need/ want answers to be able to understand this whole awful situation.
Thanks for reading x
I had the knock 5 weeks ago. My life has been absolutely turned upside down and my feeling range daily. Some days I'm so upset and can't see any future, angry that me and my children have been put in this situation and then then other days I'm quite positive about helping him.
So, my OH has been taken for questioning about a picture of himself he'd sent online through social media to 3 girls who are under the age of 16. The duty solicitor has told him to be honest and he's admitted he did it. They're currently looking through his phone, but from reading posts on here it could take months.
SS have been and are happy that I am keeping the children safe. I have 2 girls from a previous relationship and we both have a 3 yr old son together. He can visit but needs supervision and isn't allowed to stop overnight.
I've told my parents as I will need help with childcare who have been very supportive to both of us. They are in total disbelief he would do this as it is so out of character.
From talking to him after this it transpires he has a gambling addiction and he was sexually abused as a child. Some days I just don't feel like I can cope with it all and it'd be easier to just walk away. I hate liars and not sure how I could trust him again but I do still love him. He is a great dad and step dad and I'm confident my children are safe but am I being blinkered.
I've contacted a solicitor as I want to give him the best chance possible as selfishly I don't want him to go to prison because of the affect it'll have on our children but the costs are so high. Am I a fool to put myself out of pocket for someone who has lied to me. He's not saying too much at the moment which is infuriating, I need/ want answers to be able to understand this whole awful situation.
Thanks for reading x
Hi
Your still at the early stages and tbf were 17 months in and about to go Magistrates and I still have the same days just like you. My oh has lied to me for the whole ten years he has a porn addition I had no idea about and he also was abused for two years at a early age that seems to of helped this process to where we are now. You can ring and speak to the helpline others have found it helpful I didn't if being on honest so I have just been dealing with it myself. I would keep trying to get answers but I found that giving him abit of space and time helped him slowly open up more. The abuse he went through his still struggling to explain to me but I know more now than before. I have decided to stay with my husband but don't make any decisions straight away give it time feelings change has your emotions settle x
Your still at the early stages and tbf were 17 months in and about to go Magistrates and I still have the same days just like you. My oh has lied to me for the whole ten years he has a porn addition I had no idea about and he also was abused for two years at a early age that seems to of helped this process to where we are now. You can ring and speak to the helpline others have found it helpful I didn't if being on honest so I have just been dealing with it myself. I would keep trying to get answers but I found that giving him abit of space and time helped him slowly open up more. The abuse he went through his still struggling to explain to me but I know more now than before. I have decided to stay with my husband but don't make any decisions straight away give it time feelings change has your emotions settle x
Thanks for your reply.
Its so hard at times to know what to do for the best.
I knew he'd had a difficult childhood (no money, dad was very aggressive) and he's never spoken about it but it must have had an affect. Then to add the sexual abuse (not a family member but a friend) it can't be healthy to have kept that all in for nearly 30 years. I'm not excusing what he's done but just trying to understand where his head was/is at.
From reading on here I am more hopeful that there is a life afterwards but it has only dawned on me how long that could take. I naively thought by new year but from listening to other stories that's not the case.
I am trying to stay positive as I don't want to send him spiralling further down a black hole but some days I just want to scream. I feel hugely under pressure as although most of his family are ok no one ever talks about anything and I fear if it isn't for me it'll be brushed under the carpet but I've told him the only way to get over this and us have a many hope is to face it all once and for all.
Sending love and luck to you and your family xxxx
Its so hard at times to know what to do for the best.
I knew he'd had a difficult childhood (no money, dad was very aggressive) and he's never spoken about it but it must have had an affect. Then to add the sexual abuse (not a family member but a friend) it can't be healthy to have kept that all in for nearly 30 years. I'm not excusing what he's done but just trying to understand where his head was/is at.
From reading on here I am more hopeful that there is a life afterwards but it has only dawned on me how long that could take. I naively thought by new year but from listening to other stories that's not the case.
I am trying to stay positive as I don't want to send him spiralling further down a black hole but some days I just want to scream. I feel hugely under pressure as although most of his family are ok no one ever talks about anything and I fear if it isn't for me it'll be brushed under the carpet but I've told him the only way to get over this and us have a many hope is to face it all once and for all.
Sending love and luck to you and your family xxxx
Has he started talking to anyone like stop it now it will help. I had to force my husband to start with and still do sometimes. My husband is very angry with himself for what his done and to put me and our children in this situation. They only realise once it's too late.
Hope your feeling abit better after writing on here I find it seems so much x
Hope your feeling abit better after writing on here I find it seems so much x
Sounds exactly like my person's crime, we have been to magistrates last week were he pleaded guilty to 3 counts, he had one photo which he says he has no idea and can't remember what was going on he was arrested in March 2021. . Its a such a complex thi g but you dou d strong and positive, but make sure to take care of you too. Both of you can ring stop it, and he can seek thearpy to help him Self., me and my person are no lo get living together, he was stepdad to my kids and I stepmum to his. We have none together though. I'm really really glad you've your parents for support. My person's was so out of character. He fave me full disclosure of evidence and it sounds like a stranger, it was very harrowing to read but needed to know everything so there were no surprises. Poatcaway here, we are here for you and understand xx
I had the knock yesterday. I am spinning. I have not slept.
My initial instinct was to work on our marriage but today I want him gone.
Sorry to jump on someone else's thread, but am also needing support. I am so sorry there are others going through this and the betrayal we have all felt.
Did you stay with your partner?
what support did you get for your kids?
thank you for any words of advice.
My initial instinct was to work on our marriage but today I want him gone.
Sorry to jump on someone else's thread, but am also needing support. I am so sorry there are others going through this and the betrayal we have all felt.
Did you stay with your partner?
what support did you get for your kids?
thank you for any words of advice.
Hi k4, sorry you find yourself here too. Have a read through the posts, it may help. Some stay, some don't. You don't have to make a decision straight away. If you do stay, things will probably be different but some do work on the relationship and find it better than before. We had the knock in August. My husband was charged the same day and due to bail conditions couldn't live at home. He pleaded guilty yesterday but still won't be coming home for at least a few months. I'm still unsure whether I'll take him back.
Our social worker was great, she was happy with our plan for me supervising contact at home twice a week, but probably helped that I didn't want anything to do with him at that point and my kids are teenagers so can speak for themselves.
Our social worker was great, she was happy with our plan for me supervising contact at home twice a week, but probably helped that I didn't want anything to do with him at that point and my kids are teenagers so can speak for themselves.
That's so helpful, thank you so much for sharing your experiences.
He hasn't even been charged with anything yet, so I guess we have a lot worse to come.
Kids are also older, so can advocate for themselves to some degree. Both have rejected any support being arranged so far, but I am optimistic that they'll take it up.
He has left.
We thought it was the way to keep things more normal for the kids.
What other stuff helps to keep things normal?
He hasn't even been charged with anything yet, so I guess we have a lot worse to come.
Kids are also older, so can advocate for themselves to some degree. Both have rejected any support being arranged so far, but I am optimistic that they'll take it up.
He has left.
We thought it was the way to keep things more normal for the kids.
What other stuff helps to keep things normal?
We kept to a normal routine as much as possible. We still went on holiday, just the 3 of us. Mine didn't take up support either, they're both introverted and not keen on talking to others but they know where they can get support if they need it and I'm always checking they're okay, probably to the point of being a bit annoying! I keep them informed too, they know what is happening and why. It can be difficult but it's got easier the longer it's been. Friends and neighbours that don't know the truth, I've told we're not together rather than people speculating why he's not at home. It's easier for the kids and the kids know they can say this if anyone asks.
Thank you Loulou74. This is a huge help. I shall follow your advice on holiday the three of us etc
K4 we can all related to what you're experiencing right now. I can't imagine going through anything worse and the first few days/weeks are hell. Almost 4 months later things are difficult but you start to eat and sleep again. Not like before. Nothing is like before but it's stabilising. Still experiencing the sorrow, hate and anger. Various emotions going through your head and heart throughout the day. Even dream about what's happening so no escape really but I'm clinging on to the hope that things will get better.
it's very early days for you. This emotional rollercoaster will go on for a while. Take your time. Don't rush into making decisions. You have the right to do what's best for you and your children. Sadly, our OH's didn't think about us or their children when they made their choices so the least you can do for yourself is take some control back and make your decisions when you are ready.
I'm sure all on here have changed as people. It's difficult not to when you have experienced such a things.
Stay strong and reach out as we are all here for you and each other. X
it's very early days for you. This emotional rollercoaster will go on for a while. Take your time. Don't rush into making decisions. You have the right to do what's best for you and your children. Sadly, our OH's didn't think about us or their children when they made their choices so the least you can do for yourself is take some control back and make your decisions when you are ready.
I'm sure all on here have changed as people. It's difficult not to when you have experienced such a things.
Stay strong and reach out as we are all here for you and each other. X
I am not able to offer any great advice sorry, there are far more knowledgeable folk on here who may be able to help.
I too, find myself in no-man's land. OH won't admit to anything and it is like pulling teeth trying to get answers from him. He declined a solicitor at station..........don't know if that makes any difference for the progress of his case??
It seems I am fighting daily with my feelings towards him......
I too, find myself in no-man's land. OH won't admit to anything and it is like pulling teeth trying to get answers from him. He declined a solicitor at station..........don't know if that makes any difference for the progress of his case??
It seems I am fighting daily with my feelings towards him......
Rigg22 and Lost4words thank you and sorry that you're going through this too.
I think I would be very lonely right now if it wasn't for kind words on here.
lost4words sorry he is being so difficult for you. I have no idea what advice to give but there are lots of wise people here. Maybe go on the legal thread to see what declining a solicitor means?
Xxx
xx
I think I would be very lonely right now if it wasn't for kind words on here.
lost4words sorry he is being so difficult for you. I have no idea what advice to give but there are lots of wise people here. Maybe go on the legal thread to see what declining a solicitor means?
Xxx
xx
Hi K4,
I wanted to answer a couple of your questions as someone who has teenagers and is 27 months into this situation. Not sure if you will have read any of my posts so some background, I have two teenagers from a previous relationship who now want nothing to do with my person. I was 3 months pregnant with our only child together at the knock, he was charged and remanded the next day for 6 months, was sentenced the week I gave birth. Was given a community order, 5 years SHPO and sor and 3 years probation. 20 months post sentencing now. Initially I'd ended our relationship on the day of the knock but I'm now in a place of maybe in the future we can be together. My children haven't been offered any support by any services but I have kept conversation open with them, regularly asking how they're doing mentally. They seem ok, not sure if it's because they are close to their dad and only saw my person as my partner since he came into their lives when they were older.
In terms of keeping things normal, I found keeping to a routine helpful. Things like meal planning and having a shop delivered on the same day that I would have usually. It was the summer holidays when we had the knock but by the time the kids went back to school I'd gone back to work which gave me some normality.
It's ok not to have all the answers right now, I still don't have them but I do have peace with my lack of certainty around our relationship. When/if ss get in contact it's acceptable to say that you are unsure what your relationship looks like in the future but you'll always put your children first. Have your children said much about how they feel? xx
I wanted to answer a couple of your questions as someone who has teenagers and is 27 months into this situation. Not sure if you will have read any of my posts so some background, I have two teenagers from a previous relationship who now want nothing to do with my person. I was 3 months pregnant with our only child together at the knock, he was charged and remanded the next day for 6 months, was sentenced the week I gave birth. Was given a community order, 5 years SHPO and sor and 3 years probation. 20 months post sentencing now. Initially I'd ended our relationship on the day of the knock but I'm now in a place of maybe in the future we can be together. My children haven't been offered any support by any services but I have kept conversation open with them, regularly asking how they're doing mentally. They seem ok, not sure if it's because they are close to their dad and only saw my person as my partner since he came into their lives when they were older.
In terms of keeping things normal, I found keeping to a routine helpful. Things like meal planning and having a shop delivered on the same day that I would have usually. It was the summer holidays when we had the knock but by the time the kids went back to school I'd gone back to work which gave me some normality.
It's ok not to have all the answers right now, I still don't have them but I do have peace with my lack of certainty around our relationship. When/if ss get in contact it's acceptable to say that you are unsure what your relationship looks like in the future but you'll always put your children first. Have your children said much about how they feel? xx
Thank you to everyone for your kind words. It makes a world of difference to know I'm not the only one in this situation and that there can be some kind of normal life after. The first few days I felt like I was grieving a loss.
I have come to terms with the fact that it's going to be a long road ahead and that I'll have to deal with things as they come. I'm just praying that once the forensics are back from his phone there is no more nasty surprises else I feel like I'd be back at square one again.
I am trying to help my partner and get him to reach out to people to help with his issues as I do believe he is a good man and can get over this. I have to be leave this for me and my son. Only time will tell I suppose.
Sending love to you all xxxx
I have come to terms with the fact that it's going to be a long road ahead and that I'll have to deal with things as they come. I'm just praying that once the forensics are back from his phone there is no more nasty surprises else I feel like I'd be back at square one again.
I am trying to help my partner and get him to reach out to people to help with his issues as I do believe he is a good man and can get over this. I have to be leave this for me and my son. Only time will tell I suppose.
Sending love to you all xxxx
Thank you distressed and pregnant; what a horrid few years for you and I really appreciate you sharing your advice with me
xx
xx