I just cant deal with this
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Sorry me again, i am struggling, my OH or ex OH i suppose right now got arrested 5 weeks ago, i mentioned before i am a police officer and having four cops turn up at your door with a search warrant is daunting for anyone but when it mixes your work and home life i just don't know how to deal with that. Work have imposed restrictions on me regarding contact with him basically i am not allowed any and if i do i may lose my role with in the police. if i am honest i am struggling mentally on a level i have never experienced and the thought of leaving the house let alone working as a cop is beyond achievable - i just feel so lost lonely confused, hurt i though the was my soul mate - he says he hasn't done anything that he was on kik in PTSD and family support groups and occasionally someone would send an image which he deleted and reported - there have been other lies so i feel myslef torn and becase i am not allowed contact this just builds and builds until i come crashing down - have lost 1 1/2 stone on meds and suffering - please tell me this feeling fades because i don't know how much longer my body can cope with this
Skip01
Hard to give advice as we are all different. It hasn't got easier for me over 2 years later but I have found ways to cope. Self care, get support where you can (GP, helpline, trusted family and friends, counselling, samaritans etc ) and remember that this is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong (harder than it sounds with the way we partners and family members are treated as complicit or contaminated).
In my case I basically decided that this was not going to define or defeat me, and that I was going to swim, not sink. I haven't reached dry land yet but I will keep swimming until I do.
So please make sure you are eating (whether you feel like it or not) getting plenty of sleep, getting fresh air and exercise. You need to keep your body going because it helps hold your brain together. Stay strong.
Hard to give advice as we are all different. It hasn't got easier for me over 2 years later but I have found ways to cope. Self care, get support where you can (GP, helpline, trusted family and friends, counselling, samaritans etc ) and remember that this is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong (harder than it sounds with the way we partners and family members are treated as complicit or contaminated).
In my case I basically decided that this was not going to define or defeat me, and that I was going to swim, not sink. I haven't reached dry land yet but I will keep swimming until I do.
So please make sure you are eating (whether you feel like it or not) getting plenty of sleep, getting fresh air and exercise. You need to keep your body going because it helps hold your brain together. Stay strong.
Oh and there is a post by Rainbow girl in the "understanding why" section on surviving the early days, which is helpful. I have bumped it for you.
Bitterbean thank you for your words - i just dont know what i am doing - i thought my life was mapped out and everything has been destroyed
Skip01
I can identify with that I was pretty happy with how my life was going and this blew things apart so everything looked not fixable.
However don't tell yourself your life is ruined, your life as it was has been damaged, maybe beyond repair but you can rebuild it. It will never be the same but you can build a similar life if that's what you want or you can create and embrace a new one. There are things that are out of your control and you will have to work within those constraints, something I personally find difficult and say to myself "it's not fair!" But life isn't fair, so we just have to deal with it and do things and make changes to things that we do have control over.
You may find like me that you will need give yourself time to grieve and mourn for your old life, it is a genuine loss and the worse thing is you will get very little comfort or sympathy from others about your loss. I still feel very sad about the loss of my old life, but I am now at the stage where I am making plans for my life now and for the life I will have when this process is over, and how I can make it as good as I possibly can.
I can identify with that I was pretty happy with how my life was going and this blew things apart so everything looked not fixable.
However don't tell yourself your life is ruined, your life as it was has been damaged, maybe beyond repair but you can rebuild it. It will never be the same but you can build a similar life if that's what you want or you can create and embrace a new one. There are things that are out of your control and you will have to work within those constraints, something I personally find difficult and say to myself "it's not fair!" But life isn't fair, so we just have to deal with it and do things and make changes to things that we do have control over.
You may find like me that you will need give yourself time to grieve and mourn for your old life, it is a genuine loss and the worse thing is you will get very little comfort or sympathy from others about your loss. I still feel very sad about the loss of my old life, but I am now at the stage where I am making plans for my life now and for the life I will have when this process is over, and how I can make it as good as I possibly can.
Hi Skip,
im so sorry that you are having such a tough time.
I understand how you feel because I felt exactly the same after my partner had the knock 3 months ago. I was in shock, couldn't eat, sleep and I just sat around crying non stop. I also work in a profession which I would lose if I stayed with him. I spent hours trying to unpick what he may have done and telling myself " maybe it was only once" . I just desperately wanted to be with him and get back my happy stable life.
my go has been amazing and for the first time ever I started to take anti depressants.
now 3 moths in l am beginning to feel a bit better and I can think more clearly. I can see that he had a dark side that I never knew and I feel that I was actually living a lie. You're a police officer so I'm sure you know more than most that the police don't come knocking on your door unless they are pretty sure a crime has been committed. I was told by a friend in the police that there are so many of these reports. I have decided that I can't be with my partner anymore. I can't accept what he has done and I don't see why I should lose my career.
I should have been getting married this week. I'm obviously devastated that it's all cancelled but my sadness is now turning to anger that he's ruined everything and let me plan our wedding when he knew what he had done.
Time is a great healer and you need to give yourself that. Go with how you feel, look after yourself. You will get through this and you will have a future whatever you decide. X
sending you hugs
im so sorry that you are having such a tough time.
I understand how you feel because I felt exactly the same after my partner had the knock 3 months ago. I was in shock, couldn't eat, sleep and I just sat around crying non stop. I also work in a profession which I would lose if I stayed with him. I spent hours trying to unpick what he may have done and telling myself " maybe it was only once" . I just desperately wanted to be with him and get back my happy stable life.
my go has been amazing and for the first time ever I started to take anti depressants.
now 3 moths in l am beginning to feel a bit better and I can think more clearly. I can see that he had a dark side that I never knew and I feel that I was actually living a lie. You're a police officer so I'm sure you know more than most that the police don't come knocking on your door unless they are pretty sure a crime has been committed. I was told by a friend in the police that there are so many of these reports. I have decided that I can't be with my partner anymore. I can't accept what he has done and I don't see why I should lose my career.
I should have been getting married this week. I'm obviously devastated that it's all cancelled but my sadness is now turning to anger that he's ruined everything and let me plan our wedding when he knew what he had done.
Time is a great healer and you need to give yourself that. Go with how you feel, look after yourself. You will get through this and you will have a future whatever you decide. X
sending you hugs
I too am devastated after the police turned up at my house 4 weeks ago and arrested my 25 year old son for possession of indecent images of children. I work in child protection! I just don't know where to turn and it has taken me these four weeks to get the courage join this forum because I just can't believe that I am in this position. He has been released under investigation. My husband and I have said we will support him if he engages with the support on offer. I feel so so ashamed. We have told our other two adult children but nobody else in the family, and I am just dreading the future probability of a court case and it being in the press and our shame being exposed to friends, family and professional colleagues. I just don't know how I am going to get through this. I'm currently signed off from work with stress and have also been prescribed anti-depressants.
Losteverything and Bitterbean
Thank you for your words, that is exactly how i feel i keep saying but it isnt fair why have i lost everything and being forced to make decisions that i am in no fit state to make. I am on meds from the GP so hoping they help soon.
He says he hasn't done what they say but like you say Losteverything the Police don't come knocking for the lower end stuff. Its the pain of waiting i can't process things as i just keep thinking what if , etc
I am so sorry to hear about your wedding plans xx
Thank you again xx
Thank you for your words, that is exactly how i feel i keep saying but it isnt fair why have i lost everything and being forced to make decisions that i am in no fit state to make. I am on meds from the GP so hoping they help soon.
He says he hasn't done what they say but like you say Losteverything the Police don't come knocking for the lower end stuff. Its the pain of waiting i can't process things as i just keep thinking what if , etc
I am so sorry to hear about your wedding plans xx
Thank you again xx
Everything you say resonates with me. The knock resulted in others disclosures from my OH, drug abuse and infidelity. I am trying to deal with just one thing at a time. For me it is trying to battle / work with social services. The rest is in a box at the back of my head which I will open when I have resolved the SS issue. Try to break things down into manageable chunks. Maybe today you could go for a 5 minute walk, tomorrow cook a nice meal for yourself or treat yourself to a take away.
You really must look after yourself. Reach out here, I liken this forum to life support for me in the early days.
You really must look after yourself. Reach out here, I liken this forum to life support for me in the early days.
I'm sorry you find yourself here and for the anguish you are currently experiencing; one that sadly we can all empathise with. It must be additionally difficult for you given your profession. I don't feel that 'the police only go for the worst cases' is a particularly helpful or accurate narrative to follow or allow to influence your choices. Each is completely different and the police are looking for successful convictions. Not all convictions are based on severity. xx
I don't often post but I feel I have to jump in on this sentence
' I was told by a friend in the police that there are so many of these reports that they only have time to go after the worst'
Don't mean to cause any offence but I don't think that's a factually correct statement and could cause a lot more anxiety for those on this forum.
Be it 1 image or 10,000 images, the police will still act on any information.
' I was told by a friend in the police that there are so many of these reports that they only have time to go after the worst'
Don't mean to cause any offence but I don't think that's a factually correct statement and could cause a lot more anxiety for those on this forum.
Be it 1 image or 10,000 images, the police will still act on any information.
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