Down the Road
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Since my first post on here I feel like I've been on that rollercoaster of emotions you feel on day one. I've recently been back to see the therapist my partner and I both saw (separately and on one occasion together) to try and make sense of the why and how I'm currently feeling and to deal with the PTS she believes I'm dealing with. How I never really dealt with how I felt at the time, instead packing it into a box and focusing all my attention on supporting my partner. The stigma around having to tell people, in my case I lost my job and alot of people I thought were friends.
I guess my question to you all out there is, have any of you stayed with your partner post conviction, faced the ups and downs of the life you once knew steering in another direction ? Your privacy invaded by intimate questions during MAPPA check ins and like me hitting the point of your emotions all of a sudden coming flooding out.
My partner is 5 months away from coming of the SOR and part of me wonders if these feelings are emerging as we are so close to that stage that I'm worrying what happens after. Essentially it's like "life goes back to normal" if that's what you can call it.
I hope I'm not alone !
I guess my question to you all out there is, have any of you stayed with your partner post conviction, faced the ups and downs of the life you once knew steering in another direction ? Your privacy invaded by intimate questions during MAPPA check ins and like me hitting the point of your emotions all of a sudden coming flooding out.
My partner is 5 months away from coming of the SOR and part of me wonders if these feelings are emerging as we are so close to that stage that I'm worrying what happens after. Essentially it's like "life goes back to normal" if that's what you can call it.
I hope I'm not alone !
Hi, not sure I can be much help as you seem further down the line than me. But it's a subject close to my heart. My OH was sentanced last Feb to 18 months suspended and 10years SOR and SHPO.
I have stayed with him and supported him (including a 6 week spell in prison after he was arrested for breaching his SHPO, subsequently dropped), and we are moving on. Most of the time I am ok with the restrictions etc. and my friends/family all know. We have been dropped by some friends, and certain members of my family won't see him, but are fine with me. So day to day I'm ok with it all, but I try to avoid looking at the bigger picture, or wishing that my life could be what it was. The truth is it will never be, and this is my new reality. My choice, and I made the right one. But boy, sometimes it's hard. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to be a 'normal' family, but down that path lies heartbreak, so I avoid thinking about it. Days go by with no problem, but then I think about all I have lost, and how my life has changed, and all the sadness returns. I mourn my old life for a little while, but then I get up, dust myself off and remind myself of the reasons I stayed. And move on. I guess it will be like this for a long time, and the thought of that is daunting. But I am a stronger woman for it all, and my compassion for fellow sufferers is immense. I draw strength from all the wonderful women on here. This whole thing has changed me and for the better. And my OH was in a very dark place and is now making his way into a better place.
sending hugs and strength x.
I have stayed with him and supported him (including a 6 week spell in prison after he was arrested for breaching his SHPO, subsequently dropped), and we are moving on. Most of the time I am ok with the restrictions etc. and my friends/family all know. We have been dropped by some friends, and certain members of my family won't see him, but are fine with me. So day to day I'm ok with it all, but I try to avoid looking at the bigger picture, or wishing that my life could be what it was. The truth is it will never be, and this is my new reality. My choice, and I made the right one. But boy, sometimes it's hard. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to be a 'normal' family, but down that path lies heartbreak, so I avoid thinking about it. Days go by with no problem, but then I think about all I have lost, and how my life has changed, and all the sadness returns. I mourn my old life for a little while, but then I get up, dust myself off and remind myself of the reasons I stayed. And move on. I guess it will be like this for a long time, and the thought of that is daunting. But I am a stronger woman for it all, and my compassion for fellow sufferers is immense. I draw strength from all the wonderful women on here. This whole thing has changed me and for the better. And my OH was in a very dark place and is now making his way into a better place.
sending hugs and strength x.
It's interesting to hear from someone further down the line. We don't have children and are quite insular people so a lot of the restricts will have very little impact on us. He has indefinate SOR and SHPO so we'll be living with them for some time before we could apply to have them removed.
As a couple/ unit I feel we'll be fine, but I do wonder whether I'll ever be in a position that I feel comfortable talking about him to other people - Being proud of him (because there are so so many amazing qualities to him and so much to be proud of) . It almost like he's condemned to the point that he'll never be able to do any good. Although only a couple of people in reality know, I will have to tell more people once he's out of prison, both for practical reason and for my own mental wellbeing. Even people that won't know, I fear I'll not want to talk about him so as not bring any attention to him/ have to tell lies. He had an extremely well paid job, it was a big part of his identity and life style - He won't be able to do that and will need to be resourceful to earn money and its likely to be well below his potential, but I'll be proud of him whatever he achieves.
As a couple/ unit I feel we'll be fine, but I do wonder whether I'll ever be in a position that I feel comfortable talking about him to other people - Being proud of him (because there are so so many amazing qualities to him and so much to be proud of) . It almost like he's condemned to the point that he'll never be able to do any good. Although only a couple of people in reality know, I will have to tell more people once he's out of prison, both for practical reason and for my own mental wellbeing. Even people that won't know, I fear I'll not want to talk about him so as not bring any attention to him/ have to tell lies. He had an extremely well paid job, it was a big part of his identity and life style - He won't be able to do that and will need to be resourceful to earn money and its likely to be well below his potential, but I'll be proud of him whatever he achieves.
Hi SAL, fortunately everyone (or indeed unfortunately!) everyone we knew knows. We have moved and obviously our new neighbours don't know, although it is one of my ongoing niggling fears that they find out. That is incredibly unlikely, but not impossible.
My OH is also a good and kind person, and I know what you mean about talking about him in a positive way. Depending on who I am talking to affects what I might say. Sometimes it's easier to avoid. He is naturally an insular person, so seems content to have little contact with others. Although I wonder about that as we used to be heavily involved in performing arts/music and he was always comfortable in front of an audience. And we have lost all that. I am proud of him and how far he has come, and I know the agony of life with your partner in prison. You are a strong lady and I am sure that you handle the future. Being a strong unit helps and I think that ultimately that's what sees us through. x
My OH is also a good and kind person, and I know what you mean about talking about him in a positive way. Depending on who I am talking to affects what I might say. Sometimes it's easier to avoid. He is naturally an insular person, so seems content to have little contact with others. Although I wonder about that as we used to be heavily involved in performing arts/music and he was always comfortable in front of an audience. And we have lost all that. I am proud of him and how far he has come, and I know the agony of life with your partner in prison. You are a strong lady and I am sure that you handle the future. Being a strong unit helps and I think that ultimately that's what sees us through. x
Thankyou for your replies, most of the time it doesn't affect us but every now and a certain family member makes a comment or something triggers me from that time. I'm slowly learning how to deal with it, something I should have done at the beginning. That would be one piece of advice to anyone going through this, make sure you get help if you can, speaking to someone else really helps. I still love him with every piece of me and know deep down he's not what people make him out to be, I see our future and know he's trying so hard, it's just me dealing with my emotions and not letting them consume me, he has a big part to play on avoiding anything online that could lead to clicking on link after link and he recognises that. It's reassuring to know you aren't the only one out there !
Thankyou xXx
Thankyou xXx
Hi Positive, it definitely sounds like you could do with some therapy (if you're not already) to process what you've gone through.
I've stayed for now (only 4 months post sentencing) and I say for now because I am so worried about the downs of being with a sex offender. If my children want friends over and partners etc - surely I can't avoid these situations forever?
day to day im fine too, we have fun we laugh, we do normal family things, then an event comes up which he can't/shouldn't attend and it throws me and I have all the doubts again about living my life like this and think I'm stupid for thinking I can.
x
I've stayed for now (only 4 months post sentencing) and I say for now because I am so worried about the downs of being with a sex offender. If my children want friends over and partners etc - surely I can't avoid these situations forever?
day to day im fine too, we have fun we laugh, we do normal family things, then an event comes up which he can't/shouldn't attend and it throws me and I have all the doubts again about living my life like this and think I'm stupid for thinking I can.
x