Feeling lost
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It's 3 weeks since we had the knock and my world has been turned upside down. A knock on the door at 7.30am when we were still asleep. They told us that they had evidence of accessing indecent images from the house and asked if we knew anything about it. I said no. Apparently behind me, unknown to me, my husband of 19 years raised his hand. At which point they arrested him and took his devices. They checked through mine and the kids then and there but left them with us. If he hadn't indicated he was responsible they would have arrested us both and seized everything. He has now been released under investigation but has told the police and his dad he is responsible. He is not allowed to come back to the family home as we have two sons.
I'm on a rollercoaster of emotion, thankfully I've had support from my in laws and a few trusted friends. My eldest also told his best friend that "Daddy has been arrested" so they know, but thankfully his parents aren't holding it against us and are being supportive about the boys staying friends.
Social services are aware and are recommending contact supervised by family members, not me. They're also meant to be arranging a team around the family meeting. So far the boys' social worker seems supportive, probably because I'm completely on board with keeping him away and supervised contact as I can see where they're coming from. Social worker has asked police for more information and apparently what they're aware of so far is a mix of images including category A and B, mostly girls but some boys as well. We don't know the ages. So it's not looking good. Anything anyone can share on likely actual sentences for that sort of offence would be useful.
I can't imagine he has ever touched the boys but I never imagined he'd do anything like this at all so how can I know for sure? He has apparently told his dad he has had a porn addiction for a lot of years (maybe as long / longer than we've been together?). He has admitted deliberately going on to the dark web.
In some ways I have so many questions, the first being "what the actual f*** were you thinking?". In other ways I'm not sure there's any point in asking questions because I can't imagine what he could say that would make this ok. The idea of him wanting to view images like this makes me feel sick. They are real, abused children in these photos and videos and he's not a stupid man, he must know that. I always thought he was caring about people...
We were on shaky ground already, we separated last year just after what was meant to be a new start in a new house, because he admitted cheating on me. We had marriage counselling from Relate, agreed there were things we both needed to change but that it was worth trying again. He moved back in about a year ago and things weren't perfect but he was trying, I was trying, I naively thought we were making progress. Until the knock exploded like a nuclear bomb in our lives.
I've read most of the porn trap, it appeared on our shared Kindle family books so he must have bought it. It explains so much about how things have been, some of the difficulties we had. Some of the things I thought were my fault were probably at least partly influenced by the porn he was watching. I can kind of understand how it escalates but I can't see how it can make you cross the line into viewing indecent images of children.
So here I am. My boys (11 and 7) are miserable, especially the older one and I can't even explain to them what is going on properly. They so far only know the explanation I came up with on the spot, on the day he was arrested "the police think daddy has been looking at things on the internet which he shouldn't and they need to investigate, he can't come home while they investigate" and later "while they're investigating daddy isn't allowed to see you without someone else being there as well".
I know you're not meant to rush into decisions, but I don't see how we can come back from this. It's going to take so long to investigate and have an outcome, so we're in limbo. I'm inclining towards just divorcing him now (on the grounds of last year's infidelity) but I'm not sure how I can explain to the boys that I'm not taking daddy's side and offering forgiveness and support. I think I would probably feel differently if he hadn't admitted it, I wouldn't believe it, but the fact is that he has.
Sympathies to everyone going through this. It's hell.
I'm on a rollercoaster of emotion, thankfully I've had support from my in laws and a few trusted friends. My eldest also told his best friend that "Daddy has been arrested" so they know, but thankfully his parents aren't holding it against us and are being supportive about the boys staying friends.
Social services are aware and are recommending contact supervised by family members, not me. They're also meant to be arranging a team around the family meeting. So far the boys' social worker seems supportive, probably because I'm completely on board with keeping him away and supervised contact as I can see where they're coming from. Social worker has asked police for more information and apparently what they're aware of so far is a mix of images including category A and B, mostly girls but some boys as well. We don't know the ages. So it's not looking good. Anything anyone can share on likely actual sentences for that sort of offence would be useful.
I can't imagine he has ever touched the boys but I never imagined he'd do anything like this at all so how can I know for sure? He has apparently told his dad he has had a porn addiction for a lot of years (maybe as long / longer than we've been together?). He has admitted deliberately going on to the dark web.
In some ways I have so many questions, the first being "what the actual f*** were you thinking?". In other ways I'm not sure there's any point in asking questions because I can't imagine what he could say that would make this ok. The idea of him wanting to view images like this makes me feel sick. They are real, abused children in these photos and videos and he's not a stupid man, he must know that. I always thought he was caring about people...
We were on shaky ground already, we separated last year just after what was meant to be a new start in a new house, because he admitted cheating on me. We had marriage counselling from Relate, agreed there were things we both needed to change but that it was worth trying again. He moved back in about a year ago and things weren't perfect but he was trying, I was trying, I naively thought we were making progress. Until the knock exploded like a nuclear bomb in our lives.
I've read most of the porn trap, it appeared on our shared Kindle family books so he must have bought it. It explains so much about how things have been, some of the difficulties we had. Some of the things I thought were my fault were probably at least partly influenced by the porn he was watching. I can kind of understand how it escalates but I can't see how it can make you cross the line into viewing indecent images of children.
So here I am. My boys (11 and 7) are miserable, especially the older one and I can't even explain to them what is going on properly. They so far only know the explanation I came up with on the spot, on the day he was arrested "the police think daddy has been looking at things on the internet which he shouldn't and they need to investigate, he can't come home while they investigate" and later "while they're investigating daddy isn't allowed to see you without someone else being there as well".
I know you're not meant to rush into decisions, but I don't see how we can come back from this. It's going to take so long to investigate and have an outcome, so we're in limbo. I'm inclining towards just divorcing him now (on the grounds of last year's infidelity) but I'm not sure how I can explain to the boys that I'm not taking daddy's side and offering forgiveness and support. I think I would probably feel differently if he hadn't admitted it, I wouldn't believe it, but the fact is that he has.
Sympathies to everyone going through this. It's hell.
Hey there welcome to the club noone wants to be in. You've been through a rough time but I understand all those feels, mine was communication, with decoy. would never in a million year think he'd do that. But he did. It takes ages for everything to sink in an accept it, I'm almost two years down the line. Go with your gut. Where can you see yourself in two years? With him or without him? It's not easy but I promise it does get easier also there's a charity called children seen and heard that will give you hints on an age appropriate way to explain to your lovely boys x
Thank you newlady. To be honest my gut feeling is that I can't see me back with him. The idea of him doing this, viewing children, just makes me feel sick. I don't think I could ever trust him again. It was hard enough trying to rebuild after he cheated on me but this is so much worse. And I'm not sure I could bear to put me and the children through all the consequences of getting back together if he is found guilty and sentenced. I would not keep the boys away from him having supervised contact, maybe even unsupervised if social services approved that (once I have a clearer idea of what he's done). I would coparent, but I would not want to stay married to him.
Thank you for the charity recommendation, I'll have a look, as I'm really struggling with that side of things, trying to explain what the hell is going on to the boys.
Thank you for the charity recommendation, I'll have a look, as I'm really struggling with that side of things, trying to explain what the hell is going on to the boys.