Partner doesn’t trust my dad
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Hi everyone,
I'm new here but found the forum really helpful over the last few months. Here's a bit about my situation:
In 2017 we got the knock and after over a year of investigation my dad was convicted of possession of indecent images of children. He was depressed and suicidal at the time and facing bankruptcy. He was also abused as a child by his cousin for a long time. I have tried to understand as much as I can about his situation and the motivation behind it. My mum has stayed with him but it has been such a rough few years. Last year I welcomed my first child with my partner and we agreed that as long as my dad was supervised at all times he could see my son.
However, recently my partner has decided he can't get over what my dad did and he doesn't want him to see our son or the baby on the way at all. I feel lost and heart broken. My dad adores his grandson and I trust my dad with all my heart. I understand ny partner's concerns which is why I feel I can't disagree with what he wants as I know how I would feel if this was the other way round. I just don't know how to cope with this because my son has brought my dad so much happiness and joy. I feel I'm snatching that away and banishing him from our lives. I am so close to my dad and I want my children to have a relationship with him. I said I would ensure I was always there to supervise but my partner doesn't even want that.
Any help really appreciated.
thank you xxx
I'm new here but found the forum really helpful over the last few months. Here's a bit about my situation:
In 2017 we got the knock and after over a year of investigation my dad was convicted of possession of indecent images of children. He was depressed and suicidal at the time and facing bankruptcy. He was also abused as a child by his cousin for a long time. I have tried to understand as much as I can about his situation and the motivation behind it. My mum has stayed with him but it has been such a rough few years. Last year I welcomed my first child with my partner and we agreed that as long as my dad was supervised at all times he could see my son.
However, recently my partner has decided he can't get over what my dad did and he doesn't want him to see our son or the baby on the way at all. I feel lost and heart broken. My dad adores his grandson and I trust my dad with all my heart. I understand ny partner's concerns which is why I feel I can't disagree with what he wants as I know how I would feel if this was the other way round. I just don't know how to cope with this because my son has brought my dad so much happiness and joy. I feel I'm snatching that away and banishing him from our lives. I am so close to my dad and I want my children to have a relationship with him. I said I would ensure I was always there to supervise but my partner doesn't even want that.
Any help really appreciated.
thank you xxx
What a hard situation to be in. Is the baby on the way a girl? Has this caused your partners feelings to change? I don't have any advice to offer except maybe to keep the conversation open with your partner and hope that he changes his mind on supervised contact xxx
Your oh may see it as I do at the moment we have two boys together my oh was found with images girls only I always wanted 3 children and now I've stopped myself wanting another incase it's a girl that I've always dreamed I'd have. I know my husband adores his children and would never harm them but I now have that thought of if it was a girl could that be a trigger to get him back to where he was before. I hope it makes sense
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We don't know the gender of the baby I am pregnant with. He doesn't even trust my dad around our son which is really tough as our little boy loves my dad so much and I thought that as long as there was supervision my OH would be okay about it. But recently he realised that he was worrying so much and couldn't get bad thoughts out of his head about my dad. I feel so lost. I want my dad in my kids lives because I know how amazing he is as a dad and grandparent.
My OH has agreed to let me supervise when my dad sees our kids but he isn't happy about the compromise and I feel it won't be long before he demands no contact at all. This is also killing my mum who feels like my OH doesn't trust her to supervise and she just wants to move forwards and feels this is holding us all back from healing.
My OH has agreed to let me supervise when my dad sees our kids but he isn't happy about the compromise and I feel it won't be long before he demands no contact at all. This is also killing my mum who feels like my OH doesn't trust her to supervise and she just wants to move forwards and feels this is holding us all back from healing.
I am really sorry you are in this situation. Have you thought about ringing the helpline to see if they can offer any help/support in the situation you find yourself in?
They maybe also be able to signpost you to other organisations that may be of help to you.
Thinking of you.
They maybe also be able to signpost you to other organisations that may be of help to you.
Thinking of you.
Hi, I don't have much advice as I do not have children but thought maybe one way to get your OH to feel a bit more comfortable could be to make him see there is a difference between looking at iioc online you don't personally know when in a dark place mentally, than working on himself over the last 5 years to improve and and spending happy times with his own flesh and blood? It depends on the individual circumstances of the charges, but surely it's an entirely different situation spending time with your own grandchild compared to looking at pics online. True rehabilitation is about making sure things that used to trigger someone to behave certain ways don't have the same affect anymore. You could compare it to an alcoholic working towards being able to enter a pub without being so strongly triggered they have to get drink or even feel tempted to? And get him to see how your dad has improved and hasn't done anything like that since 2017?
I'm not wishing to cause any upset here but if there was someone who had commtted sexual offences against children on your OH side of the family that he trusted to be around children, would his trust in them be enough for you? Would you feel the children were safe with this person and your OH supervising, knowing OH didn't really see them as a threat so it's unclear how effective the supervision would be?
It sounds like your partner is being a protective Dad. My advice is to not let your own Dad's mistakes make you question or compromise your family's morals and respect for each other.
My Dad viewed IIOC and I'm having to come to terms with the fact he is a paedophile and a court deemed him a medium risk to children.
I love my Dad more than I could ever say, but his actions have broken my heart in a way I didn't know was possible. It isn't easy but I cannot allow emotions to cloud my judgement when it comes to protecting children who cannot protect themselves.
I'm sorry you're in this position and I wish you and your family all the best x
It sounds like your partner is being a protective Dad. My advice is to not let your own Dad's mistakes make you question or compromise your family's morals and respect for each other.
My Dad viewed IIOC and I'm having to come to terms with the fact he is a paedophile and a court deemed him a medium risk to children.
I love my Dad more than I could ever say, but his actions have broken my heart in a way I didn't know was possible. It isn't easy but I cannot allow emotions to cloud my judgement when it comes to protecting children who cannot protect themselves.
I'm sorry you're in this position and I wish you and your family all the best x
Hello Forum Users
We wanted to comment on the topic of the term “Paedophile” or “Paedophilia”. This word is commonly used in the media and society to describe anyone who has committed a sexual offence against children, although it is often wrongly used. The definition of the term is:
“Paedophilia (alternatively spelt pedophilia) is a psychiatric disroder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children”
A lot of individuals who engage in online sexual offences against children do not have an exclusive sexual interest in children and they often have other intimate adult relations. Of course, this is not a true representation of every individual, some who engage in this behaviour do have an exclusive interest in children, but the majority do not.
For new users reading the forum and questioning whether your loved one has this interest we hope this helps provide some clarity. If you thought they may have been a Paedophile but are discovering they are not, that is ok and is why things like this platform exist, to help educate and support individuals. If your loved one does identify with this term, that is also ok and we are here to support everyone who has been affected by child sexual abuse in this way.
We hope this is helpful and provide clarity, especially to those new users.
Take Care
Lucy
We wanted to comment on the topic of the term “Paedophile” or “Paedophilia”. This word is commonly used in the media and society to describe anyone who has committed a sexual offence against children, although it is often wrongly used. The definition of the term is:
“Paedophilia (alternatively spelt pedophilia) is a psychiatric disroder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children”
A lot of individuals who engage in online sexual offences against children do not have an exclusive sexual interest in children and they often have other intimate adult relations. Of course, this is not a true representation of every individual, some who engage in this behaviour do have an exclusive interest in children, but the majority do not.
For new users reading the forum and questioning whether your loved one has this interest we hope this helps provide some clarity. If you thought they may have been a Paedophile but are discovering they are not, that is ok and is why things like this platform exist, to help educate and support individuals. If your loved one does identify with this term, that is also ok and we are here to support everyone who has been affected by child sexual abuse in this way.
We hope this is helpful and provide clarity, especially to those new users.
Take Care
Lucy
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Dear Quand, we are really pleased to see that you are providing support to others on this forum.
We just wanted to address one of the comments made in your previous reply. In it you say that you have been reading that there is definitely a connection that a large group of people who have been abused go on to commit these crimes. This is actually not the case. There are limited studies examining a connection between survivors of child sexual abuse and engaging in online child sexual abuse. However, we know that in general; most individuals who have been victims of crime do not go on to offend. But we do also know that most offenders have previously been victims. This may be what you were referring too. We would like to make it clear that this is for all types of crime, not specifically sexual crimes. There are a lot of theories out there attempting to explain the connection between ‘victim-offenders’ which is often how these types of situations are referred to. Some of these theories have attempted to discuss factors such as the impact of trauma and learned behaviour from an early age. However, to this date, a connection is still considered controversial.
We wanted to make this clear as there can be a lot of stigma attached to both being a victim of this type of crime and a perpetrator. This stigma can prevent people from seeking the right kind of support for their circumstances. Therefore, it is always beneficial that information provided on this forum is clear and accurate. So, whilst most offenders may have previously been victims, this does not mean that most victims go on to be offenders. I hope this is clear and helpful.
Take Care
Lucy
We just wanted to address one of the comments made in your previous reply. In it you say that you have been reading that there is definitely a connection that a large group of people who have been abused go on to commit these crimes. This is actually not the case. There are limited studies examining a connection between survivors of child sexual abuse and engaging in online child sexual abuse. However, we know that in general; most individuals who have been victims of crime do not go on to offend. But we do also know that most offenders have previously been victims. This may be what you were referring too. We would like to make it clear that this is for all types of crime, not specifically sexual crimes. There are a lot of theories out there attempting to explain the connection between ‘victim-offenders’ which is often how these types of situations are referred to. Some of these theories have attempted to discuss factors such as the impact of trauma and learned behaviour from an early age. However, to this date, a connection is still considered controversial.
We wanted to make this clear as there can be a lot of stigma attached to both being a victim of this type of crime and a perpetrator. This stigma can prevent people from seeking the right kind of support for their circumstances. Therefore, it is always beneficial that information provided on this forum is clear and accurate. So, whilst most offenders may have previously been victims, this does not mean that most victims go on to be offenders. I hope this is clear and helpful.
Take Care
Lucy
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Juliet Grayson, a former Stopso therapist, offered one explanation, for why a person who has been abused, might look at iioc. That is something called repetition compulsion.
It is "Repetitions of traumatic events for the purpose of achieving a belated mastery", or an attempt at mastery of their feelings and experience, in the sense that they unconsciously want to go through the same situation, but that it not result negatively, as it did in the past."
So it would be a way for the person to take back 'control' of a traumatic event, which they had experienced.
It is "Repetitions of traumatic events for the purpose of achieving a belated mastery", or an attempt at mastery of their feelings and experience, in the sense that they unconsciously want to go through the same situation, but that it not result negatively, as it did in the past."
So it would be a way for the person to take back 'control' of a traumatic event, which they had experienced.