Alone and struggling
Notifications OFF
I don't know what to do , i have posted before but things are getting worse for me. I can't have contact with i suppose you would call him my ex partner because i am not allowed , my emplyer has said i risk losing my role at work if i do. My parents hate him because of the pain and upset he has caused me - everyone them and my emplyers think i can just flick a switch and turn my emotions off.
I love this man , he is saying he has not done what they are alledging i so want to believe him. I really do. The foresic examination of his phone is going to take ages. i don't know how much more of this i can take.
I love this man , he is saying he has not done what they are alledging i so want to believe him. I really do. The foresic examination of his phone is going to take ages. i don't know how much more of this i can take.
Hi Skip,
im so sorry that you are feeling so bad, it's awful. I understand how you feel because I'm in the same situation.... if I stay with him I'd lose my job and my family all hate him. It's so hard.
can't really give you any advice, just sympathy and a cyber hug! X
im so sorry that you are feeling so bad, it's awful. I understand how you feel because I'm in the same situation.... if I stay with him I'd lose my job and my family all hate him. It's so hard.
can't really give you any advice, just sympathy and a cyber hug! X
@losteverything I am sorry you are going through the same its like someone has turned my world upside down in a matter of minutes - i have begged him if there is stuff on his devices to just tell me so i cand eal with it and he says that he hasnt done what they are alledging. How do people overcome this i just cannot see a light at the end :-(
Skip01
I can understand how awful this must be for you, trying to put the emotional bit aside look at things objectively:
Currently your job is at risk if you continue contact with your person
So your choice is to take that risk and continue contact, or to cut contact until you know what if anything is on his devices. Then you will have more info on which to base your next steps.
If you decide to temporarily cut contact, could you write to him/email him/one last phone call (letter would be less easy for your employer to track, unless you tell your employer this is one last contact) explaining why you need to cut contact and that you do it with a heavy heart and it is only until the forensic examination is over and turns up nothing, as he assures you they will?
I appreciate that this could be a long time, but probably only months rather than years. You can do this. In the meantime, could you not keep up with how he is doing via a trusted mutual friend or family member? Not communicating as such, just checking in and each finding out how the other is doing?
Your employer has put you in an awful bind, just out of interest, is this standard procedure for them in the case of all crimes or just this one? ie, if he had been arrested for burglary would they be doing the same?
I can understand how awful this must be for you, trying to put the emotional bit aside look at things objectively:
Currently your job is at risk if you continue contact with your person
So your choice is to take that risk and continue contact, or to cut contact until you know what if anything is on his devices. Then you will have more info on which to base your next steps.
If you decide to temporarily cut contact, could you write to him/email him/one last phone call (letter would be less easy for your employer to track, unless you tell your employer this is one last contact) explaining why you need to cut contact and that you do it with a heavy heart and it is only until the forensic examination is over and turns up nothing, as he assures you they will?
I appreciate that this could be a long time, but probably only months rather than years. You can do this. In the meantime, could you not keep up with how he is doing via a trusted mutual friend or family member? Not communicating as such, just checking in and each finding out how the other is doing?
Your employer has put you in an awful bind, just out of interest, is this standard procedure for them in the case of all crimes or just this one? ie, if he had been arrested for burglary would they be doing the same?
Fir the first month I just spoke to my person by phone now we just meet up fur coffee, air b& bs ect as he can't come to my house as I've a 25byear old and he's living 100 miles away but what you do in your own personal time away from work family etc is your own business. Your mog breaking the law, your both doing anything wrong at all.
@Bitterbean. thanks for your objective outlook it does give me a different slant. My employer is the Police Force and if i am honest i don't think it is the ame for others, i know of people whos partners have been arrested for drug offences no issues, i know of other more serious offences and these restritions have not been imposed. I understand they have a duty to protect their reputation and that is what it comes down to, but they truly have no understanding of the impact it has on the individuals involved. I certainyl didnt until in this position. Its so so traumatic, my counseller believes i am suffering from C-PTSD so makign daily rational decisions and trying to hold my life together is currently impossible. Thank you again, you all have no idea how just getting one reposnse on these posts makes me feel less alone.
Hi @Newlady i wish i could just meet for a coffee, the retsrictions imposed are that great that even any phone contact i have to report and basically dictate what has been said. Sadly nothing is private when you are a cop, i don't actually know how i will ever return to work its brought back so many bad feelings and anxiety over what they have done to me in the past its like reliving everything all over again. I am pleased you are managing some contact as its difficult for everyone involved.
Post deleted by user
Is there any negotiation with your employer on mental health grounds? Even if it is an agreement that you'll only see him the once for a bit of closure. I'm not in this field of work so I don't know what is acceptable / legal for them to ask you to do? Is there a professional body you could talk to? Did you live together? If does there not need to be some dialogue for practical things?
I can't imagine how hard it would be to have found out this information and then not even be able to discuss it.
I can't imagine how hard it would be to have found out this information and then not even be able to discuss it.
Hi Skip
I haven't got any advice, sorry, I wish I did but I couldn't scroll pass without sending you my love and best wishes.
I cannot believe how you are being treated by your employer. How dare they issue you with an ultimatum when you are not to blame for this, they should be supportive. What happened to innocent until proven guilt at the very least and even if your Husband is found to be guilty you still should not be punished for something you have not done.
Are you able to speak to your HR department, its discrimination. The police force need educating with regards to these crimes and less judgement wouldn't go a miss. It makes me so angry.
Sorry to rant on your post. I really hope your ok
X
I haven't got any advice, sorry, I wish I did but I couldn't scroll pass without sending you my love and best wishes.
I cannot believe how you are being treated by your employer. How dare they issue you with an ultimatum when you are not to blame for this, they should be supportive. What happened to innocent until proven guilt at the very least and even if your Husband is found to be guilty you still should not be punished for something you have not done.
Are you able to speak to your HR department, its discrimination. The police force need educating with regards to these crimes and less judgement wouldn't go a miss. It makes me so angry.
Sorry to rant on your post. I really hope your ok
X
Skip this is so sad, you have no control over your own life I honestly don't know what to say. You need answers for your own sanity xx
Hi Skip,
I feel so sorry for you. It's hard enough going through this without not even being able to make a decision whether you want to stay or leave off your own back. I'm not 100% what the alleged offence is but is there a chance they have got it wrong? We know it is rare but it can happen. I was told all sorts (communication case) by the Police and it turned out to not be true and the Police also gave very differing and exaggerated accounts of the arrest which I assume is to paint him to be worse than he is.
From what you've said about past experience maybe it is time to move on? Sometimes we hang on to our jobs in the same way we hang on to toxic relationships. It's nothing you need to rush into but maybe consider a change. I hope you feel better soon xx
I feel so sorry for you. It's hard enough going through this without not even being able to make a decision whether you want to stay or leave off your own back. I'm not 100% what the alleged offence is but is there a chance they have got it wrong? We know it is rare but it can happen. I was told all sorts (communication case) by the Police and it turned out to not be true and the Police also gave very differing and exaggerated accounts of the arrest which I assume is to paint him to be worse than he is.
From what you've said about past experience maybe it is time to move on? Sometimes we hang on to our jobs in the same way we hang on to toxic relationships. It's nothing you need to rush into but maybe consider a change. I hope you feel better soon xx
Skip can you list him as a 'known associate' ?
Post deleted
Hello;
I wish I could contact you directly I really do. I echo with previous comments, have you contacted the Federation (if your a member) regarding contact?
The police have no idea how their actions impact families involved. To this date they have never asked about mine or my children's welfare. No wonder the organisation is hated so much.
Thinking of you x
I wish I could contact you directly I really do. I echo with previous comments, have you contacted the Federation (if your a member) regarding contact?
The police have no idea how their actions impact families involved. To this date they have never asked about mine or my children's welfare. No wonder the organisation is hated so much.
Thinking of you x