Still not good post sentencing
Notifications OFF
Partner was convicted of iioc, suspended sentence, SOR, SHPO, closed to SS and moved back home with our children and I.
He lost his job, some family and some friends. He's had therapy, done courses, understands why he did it and knows he won't do it again, found a new job (no dbs required) which he loves, is still on antidepressants and is happy. BUT, I'm not.
I've been his rock throughout this traumatic odeal, I have been there for everyone, holding down a full time job, breadwinner, becoming a single mother for a year, doing all the fighting with SS, and neglecting myself and my own feelings.
Now things are 'settling down' and we are giving our relationship a go, I'm only just starting to process what the hell has happened, and I'm a mess. I am having counselling and on medication, but I cry, I'm depressed, I'm anxious, paranoid, I self harm, I'm an emotional mess. I want to punish him, I sometimes think was it me and did I deserve this, what could I have done differently.
I feel guilty that lots would like to be in my position right now and I'm so so unhappy and sad.
I lost a part of me in the day of the knock and don't know whether I will ever get it back x
He lost his job, some family and some friends. He's had therapy, done courses, understands why he did it and knows he won't do it again, found a new job (no dbs required) which he loves, is still on antidepressants and is happy. BUT, I'm not.
I've been his rock throughout this traumatic odeal, I have been there for everyone, holding down a full time job, breadwinner, becoming a single mother for a year, doing all the fighting with SS, and neglecting myself and my own feelings.
Now things are 'settling down' and we are giving our relationship a go, I'm only just starting to process what the hell has happened, and I'm a mess. I am having counselling and on medication, but I cry, I'm depressed, I'm anxious, paranoid, I self harm, I'm an emotional mess. I want to punish him, I sometimes think was it me and did I deserve this, what could I have done differently.
I feel guilty that lots would like to be in my position right now and I'm so so unhappy and sad.
I lost a part of me in the day of the knock and don't know whether I will ever get it back x
It sounds like you've done an amazing job at holding it all together.
I can identify with the feeling like part of you died - I too don't think I'll ever be the same again and my life was / is much less intertwined than yours with your person. I do think that part of moving forward is accepting the situation and that whatever you decide to do, life simply won't be as it was before and what's been can't be changed. I think when that's truly accepted, looking at what is possible becomes easier. I don't know how we get to that place though.
I think it's a huge step to just identify the feelings you have and to have said them/ written them down. I do wonder if it's ever really possible to completely move on from this - I think trauma sticks with us, it can never be forgotten but the impact of it tends to lessen overtime. If you think about how long and how much you've endured, it's a relatively short period of time that you've been 'the other side', maybe time will help heal things.You've reasons to be bitter or recentful and maybe you do just need to go through this to come out the other side.
I'm sure you've been through this, but can you think of anything that would help regain some of you back? Some time away? Making time to do some of the things you use to do but have perhaps stopped?
I can identify with the feeling like part of you died - I too don't think I'll ever be the same again and my life was / is much less intertwined than yours with your person. I do think that part of moving forward is accepting the situation and that whatever you decide to do, life simply won't be as it was before and what's been can't be changed. I think when that's truly accepted, looking at what is possible becomes easier. I don't know how we get to that place though.
I think it's a huge step to just identify the feelings you have and to have said them/ written them down. I do wonder if it's ever really possible to completely move on from this - I think trauma sticks with us, it can never be forgotten but the impact of it tends to lessen overtime. If you think about how long and how much you've endured, it's a relatively short period of time that you've been 'the other side', maybe time will help heal things.You've reasons to be bitter or recentful and maybe you do just need to go through this to come out the other side.
I'm sure you've been through this, but can you think of anything that would help regain some of you back? Some time away? Making time to do some of the things you use to do but have perhaps stopped?
Jayjay I feel exactly the same but we are a month away from sentencing. Today we got told from SS that once his been sentenced to whatever outcome she will be closing the case. I should be so happy but apart of me is like I've struggled for 17 months alone and that's how easy it could al be over too. I punish my oh I know I do I see it as I'm a stay at home mom with nobody to talk to about this but his made a group of friends he can be somebody different with for distraction.
I didn't want to read your post and not reply because I know how lonely this journey is. I'm happily here for a chat if you would like x
I didn't want to read your post and not reply because I know how lonely this journey is. I'm happily here for a chat if you would like x
Hi Jayjay,
I feel terribly sad reading your post, you sound totally overwhelmed. You’ve done an amazing job keeping everything together for the past few months so please make sure you give yourself credit.
I hope you don’t mind me saying as well but it sounds as if you are suffering from PTSD. As SAL said, I think we all lose parts of ourselves after the knock but it’s important to remember you have an identity outside of this horrendous event. You still have hobbies, desires, ambitions etc – what things do you do for you?
I’ve also noticed that on your posts, you sometimes comment about feeling guilty because others would like to be in your situation – as in having their partner home. Please do not feel guilty or feel you have a duty to stay and work on your relationship for the sake of others. I think by feeling this, you are placing pressure on yourself to make things “work” when you really don’t need to.
How is your relationship with your partner? Have you spoken to him about this?
X
I feel terribly sad reading your post, you sound totally overwhelmed. You’ve done an amazing job keeping everything together for the past few months so please make sure you give yourself credit.
I hope you don’t mind me saying as well but it sounds as if you are suffering from PTSD. As SAL said, I think we all lose parts of ourselves after the knock but it’s important to remember you have an identity outside of this horrendous event. You still have hobbies, desires, ambitions etc – what things do you do for you?
I’ve also noticed that on your posts, you sometimes comment about feeling guilty because others would like to be in your situation – as in having their partner home. Please do not feel guilty or feel you have a duty to stay and work on your relationship for the sake of others. I think by feeling this, you are placing pressure on yourself to make things “work” when you really don’t need to.
How is your relationship with your partner? Have you spoken to him about this?
X
Thanks for you replies.
I think even before this ordeal I didnt have many hobbies as I'm always busy with the kids and their hobbies and social lives!I am trying to have more me time, reading, walking, a pamper bath.
The relationship was very good before and it's still good now if I could take this part of it away. He tries so hard, helps more around the house and with the kids, I do talk to him and he takes it, he cuddles me and tells me things will get better in time and how he'll never let me down again.
We recently had a little holiday and it was great being away from it all and pretending everything was normal, then we got home and I'm a cow again!
sal, I wish I knew how to accept it in order to move on. I need to learn to forgive and not hold a grudge if I want this to work, but the truth is im so full of bloody resentment and want him to hurt like im hurting. He says he is hurting too because of what he's put me and our family through.
you could well be right about PTSD Orchid.
Scared, that's exactly how I feel! it's nice to know I'm not alone and I have your support x
I think even before this ordeal I didnt have many hobbies as I'm always busy with the kids and their hobbies and social lives!I am trying to have more me time, reading, walking, a pamper bath.
The relationship was very good before and it's still good now if I could take this part of it away. He tries so hard, helps more around the house and with the kids, I do talk to him and he takes it, he cuddles me and tells me things will get better in time and how he'll never let me down again.
We recently had a little holiday and it was great being away from it all and pretending everything was normal, then we got home and I'm a cow again!
sal, I wish I knew how to accept it in order to move on. I need to learn to forgive and not hold a grudge if I want this to work, but the truth is im so full of bloody resentment and want him to hurt like im hurting. He says he is hurting too because of what he's put me and our family through.
you could well be right about PTSD Orchid.
Scared, that's exactly how I feel! it's nice to know I'm not alone and I have your support x
Jayjay what you said about being away and appearing normal struck a cord with me. Recently I went away to visit a sick relative so went with my OH. At the moment, we are post sentencing, we are together. We went for a meal, something i do not feel comfortable locally, and it was nice but felt surreal. I felt for the first time since the knock that no one was judging me. Though I have been back at work I have been working from home. Tomorrow i have to go into the office, and i know some people know about my OH. So while i feel stressed and anxious about having to face people my OH will be at home playing computer games! His probabtion officier and gp both have told him he is too ill to work ( they do not have to pay our bills!). He will be decorating the house so something useful. But as you say Jayjay i feel angry and resentful. I want to shout and rant at him, but he is suicidal and fear anything i do could send him pver the edge which i know i will feel guilty about. No one undertsnads why i would feel guilty. Even work colleagues keep saying i have done nothing wrong and do not undertstand the stress i feel doing normal day to day things. I just want my old life back. You are not alone. Xx