20 long months later
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20 long months after his arrest, my partner had his interview with the police today:
They found 6 Cat A, 5 Cat B and 1 Cat C on his devices.
They also found 2 Snapchat conversations where he spoke to people about incest and sleeping with a younger brother (note that he was raped by his older brother as a child).
Finally, they found 1 image which he provided which isn't indecent but they've classed as voyeurism - they're going to interview the child in question about it.
This has been such a long process. This has been painful but I've stuck by him over the last year and a half because I love him and I believe he's a good person. He admitted he had an issue and he has started counselling and taking medication - he also finally got the support he needed and opened up about the trauma he experienced as a child.
My question is, what do people think he's facing? Has anyone else's partner had a similar things found on their devices. From what I've seen, the numbers they've found seem relatively low? Surely the CPS wouldn't want to waste time taking this to magistrates, let alone ccrowm court.
Finally, what do I do? I've been putting off this decision for a long time but I feel like the ball is now well and truly in my court. My family have told me to leave him and even though I know he's done wrong and I feel like I have to, I feel like I can't and like I don't want to. I love him. We've been together for almost 6 years. It's not going to be as easy as just split up, bye bye and see you later.
I can't stop crying I just don't know what to do.
anyone able to help offer some advice please?
thanks so much
They found 6 Cat A, 5 Cat B and 1 Cat C on his devices.
They also found 2 Snapchat conversations where he spoke to people about incest and sleeping with a younger brother (note that he was raped by his older brother as a child).
Finally, they found 1 image which he provided which isn't indecent but they've classed as voyeurism - they're going to interview the child in question about it.
This has been such a long process. This has been painful but I've stuck by him over the last year and a half because I love him and I believe he's a good person. He admitted he had an issue and he has started counselling and taking medication - he also finally got the support he needed and opened up about the trauma he experienced as a child.
My question is, what do people think he's facing? Has anyone else's partner had a similar things found on their devices. From what I've seen, the numbers they've found seem relatively low? Surely the CPS wouldn't want to waste time taking this to magistrates, let alone ccrowm court.
Finally, what do I do? I've been putting off this decision for a long time but I feel like the ball is now well and truly in my court. My family have told me to leave him and even though I know he's done wrong and I feel like I have to, I feel like I can't and like I don't want to. I love him. We've been together for almost 6 years. It's not going to be as easy as just split up, bye bye and see you later.
I can't stop crying I just don't know what to do.
anyone able to help offer some advice please?
thanks so much
Hi,
From reading others’ posts on here, I believe it would likely to go magistrates court at the very least now they have evidence. The police don’t let crimes like this go, even if the number of images is low. But I may be wrong! Have the police indicated what the next steps are?
I am in a similar position to you relationship wise. Everyone around me thinks I deserve better and should leave him, even my OH has told me I deserve better and should go, and we have also been together for almost 6 years, but I ultimately believe he is a good person who lost his way and developed unhealthy coping strategies for stress. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve a chance to redeem himself. Only you can know what feels like the right thing to do, you’re the one in a relationship with your OH, not your family or friends, and it can feel isolating if others are telling you to do something you don’t want to do. But if it goes to court then you might feel more certain one way or the other anyway?
From reading others’ posts on here, I believe it would likely to go magistrates court at the very least now they have evidence. The police don’t let crimes like this go, even if the number of images is low. But I may be wrong! Have the police indicated what the next steps are?
I am in a similar position to you relationship wise. Everyone around me thinks I deserve better and should leave him, even my OH has told me I deserve better and should go, and we have also been together for almost 6 years, but I ultimately believe he is a good person who lost his way and developed unhealthy coping strategies for stress. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve a chance to redeem himself. Only you can know what feels like the right thing to do, you’re the one in a relationship with your OH, not your family or friends, and it can feel isolating if others are telling you to do something you don’t want to do. But if it goes to court then you might feel more certain one way or the other anyway?
On the image front it's quite low and from what I've seen, unlikely to involve immediate custodial.
Regarding conversation on Snapchat I think it would very much depend on the context and content of the conversations as to whether there was any encouragement to commit an act on a specific child - Either himself or encouraging someone else to commit an act on a child. A conversation such as being turned on by incest isn't in itself illegal.
I too believe my person is a good person and lost his way. When thinking about what to do about my relationship, I've taken the view that right now I still want to be with him and support him, but that could change at anypoint. Despite what we'll face when he's out of prison I still love him and I do think life would be less joyful and fulfilling without him in it.
Regarding conversation on Snapchat I think it would very much depend on the context and content of the conversations as to whether there was any encouragement to commit an act on a specific child - Either himself or encouraging someone else to commit an act on a child. A conversation such as being turned on by incest isn't in itself illegal.
I too believe my person is a good person and lost his way. When thinking about what to do about my relationship, I've taken the view that right now I still want to be with him and support him, but that could change at anypoint. Despite what we'll face when he's out of prison I still love him and I do think life would be less joyful and fulfilling without him in it.
Not really sure on sentencing. Just want to offer my hand to hold. Please dont be swayed or feel under pressure to end your relationship- just go with what feels right for YOU.
Hi Zak,
don't make any decisions until you're ready. Get the plea over with, get prepared with references etc and get the charging over with. Only then will you likely process it all and can start to think about what you want.
stay strong and don't let anyone influence your decisions. Get some therapy for yourself.
My partner had similar iioc - he got 4 months suspended.
I'm not sure about the rest but I would imagine if the abuse your partner suffered was brought up in the PSR (done between plea and sentencing) and evidence that he's finally got help for what he went through, I'm sure it would be seen as a positive that he will not offend again if that makes sense x
don't make any decisions until you're ready. Get the plea over with, get prepared with references etc and get the charging over with. Only then will you likely process it all and can start to think about what you want.
stay strong and don't let anyone influence your decisions. Get some therapy for yourself.
My partner had similar iioc - he got 4 months suspended.
I'm not sure about the rest but I would imagine if the abuse your partner suffered was brought up in the PSR (done between plea and sentencing) and evidence that he's finally got help for what he went through, I'm sure it would be seen as a positive that he will not offend again if that makes sense x
This sounds similar to my situation although we're not that far in, only 7 weeks since the knock.
My OH was suffered sexual abuse as a child and has never told anyone (only me) until 6 weeks ago when this all came out. He's never ever dealt with it, feels he's absolutely worthless and doesn't deserve any happiness in his life so has become quite destructive. This has developed to unhealthy habits to cope with it all.
he is only just now reaching out for help and is going to do the course and I am hoping this will help towards the outcome as I truly believe it's had a major affect on his life choices. He is a good person and hasn't deserved the shit hand he's been dealt. I am by no means taking away the seriousness of these crimes but with everything there is a reason why and if people are brave enough to face them and sort them so it stops it happening again surely that should go along way.
I am also sticking by and supporting my OH until we know fully where we stand with sentencing etc as I do still love him.
Sending love x
My OH was suffered sexual abuse as a child and has never told anyone (only me) until 6 weeks ago when this all came out. He's never ever dealt with it, feels he's absolutely worthless and doesn't deserve any happiness in his life so has become quite destructive. This has developed to unhealthy habits to cope with it all.
he is only just now reaching out for help and is going to do the course and I am hoping this will help towards the outcome as I truly believe it's had a major affect on his life choices. He is a good person and hasn't deserved the shit hand he's been dealt. I am by no means taking away the seriousness of these crimes but with everything there is a reason why and if people are brave enough to face them and sort them so it stops it happening again surely that should go along way.
I am also sticking by and supporting my OH until we know fully where we stand with sentencing etc as I do still love him.
Sending love x
Thanks everyone for your replies.
I've asked him to stay at his mums tonight whilst I process this. We've spent time apart before of course but tonight feels that extra bit lonlier. I just want to give him a hug and tell him everything is gonna be alright.
Ive got a couple of really supportive friends and my dad found out today too. All have said to do what makes me happy and comfortable as many of you have said and hearing that really does make it easier. I just don't know if I'm putting off the inevitable or not.
We were/are engaged. I know that's not marriage but we were both prepared to commit to staying with each other for better or worse. I just don't see how so many people can tell you to just leave the love of your life as if it means nothing.
Feel like I just want to get the sentencing over and done with then clear off to an island somewhere and start fresh.
god this is hard isn't it. Hope everyone else here is keeping well and staying strong. So pleased that there's a community like this, does make it easier to get by.
night everyone, Zak x
I've asked him to stay at his mums tonight whilst I process this. We've spent time apart before of course but tonight feels that extra bit lonlier. I just want to give him a hug and tell him everything is gonna be alright.
Ive got a couple of really supportive friends and my dad found out today too. All have said to do what makes me happy and comfortable as many of you have said and hearing that really does make it easier. I just don't know if I'm putting off the inevitable or not.
We were/are engaged. I know that's not marriage but we were both prepared to commit to staying with each other for better or worse. I just don't see how so many people can tell you to just leave the love of your life as if it means nothing.
Feel like I just want to get the sentencing over and done with then clear off to an island somewhere and start fresh.
god this is hard isn't it. Hope everyone else here is keeping well and staying strong. So pleased that there's a community like this, does make it easier to get by.
night everyone, Zak x
Oh Zak I am sorry. It is a low number of images but I unfortunately think it will be taken further. I would say just do whatever is right for you, nobody can tell you what to do or how to feel. There's no roadmap to deal with this. I am pretty sure (right now) I will stay with my partner if he gets found guilty but I haven't always felt like that and maybe won't if it happens. I guess we just continue on this journey of taking each day as it comes and seeing how things go no matter where we are in the process. Sending love xx
Zak I'm so sorry you're going through this, sending you lots of love and strength.
I'm afraid I can't help in terms of possible outcomes. My person didn't have a second interview after the arrest because they hadn't found anything else on his devices, but they charged him after 17 months and he ended up with a 2 year suspended sentence.
But I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. I stuck by my partner and supported him for 17 months while we were in limbo. And then when the charges came, it felt like a ton of bricks had come down again.
I still wasn't ready to face that looming question about whether I wanted to stay with him or not. I felt like I needed to focus on him and what he needed to do next and the next steps.
So as JayJay says, you really have to do what is right for you and don't feel pressured into making any big decisions until you are ready.
I can honestly say I felt like I was in the best relationship ever before the arrest, so happy, talking about the future, my friends saying how nice it was to see him bringing the best out in me.
Now obviously things have changed and I'm confused about how I feel and whether I can trust again. But I know I will make the right decision for me when I'm ready. Right now, we are still in somewhat of a relationship but we don't live together anymore to try and have some space and figure things out independently. But it is different for everyone xx
I'm afraid I can't help in terms of possible outcomes. My person didn't have a second interview after the arrest because they hadn't found anything else on his devices, but they charged him after 17 months and he ended up with a 2 year suspended sentence.
But I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. I stuck by my partner and supported him for 17 months while we were in limbo. And then when the charges came, it felt like a ton of bricks had come down again.
I still wasn't ready to face that looming question about whether I wanted to stay with him or not. I felt like I needed to focus on him and what he needed to do next and the next steps.
So as JayJay says, you really have to do what is right for you and don't feel pressured into making any big decisions until you are ready.
I can honestly say I felt like I was in the best relationship ever before the arrest, so happy, talking about the future, my friends saying how nice it was to see him bringing the best out in me.
Now obviously things have changed and I'm confused about how I feel and whether I can trust again. But I know I will make the right decision for me when I'm ready. Right now, we are still in somewhat of a relationship but we don't live together anymore to try and have some space and figure things out independently. But it is different for everyone xx