Putting it out of your mind
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5 weeks since police turned up and arrested 25 yo son for possession of iioc. Complete shock. I sank to my knees and sobbed and couldn't compose myself at all. I work in child protection and my husband works in the criminal justice system and is well known and respected professionally. We have a rare family name. Son has been RUI and devices taken. I am signed off work and now prescribed antidepressants. Our grandson (by our other son) cannot now visit when son is home (he lives with us), and my other two adult children are having nothing to do with him. I can't stop obsessing about the future; charges, press coverage, public humiliation, extended family not wanting anything to do with him/him not being welcome at family events, neighbours gossiping, how we will get through Christmas if his sibs won't speak to him, will his offending continue/become more serious, what sort of future can he possibly have now; on and on and on...... Potential press headlines keep popping into my head unprompted. It's what I think about all the time. The only time I'm not thinking about it is when I sleep; but I'm having really vivid dreams about a time when my children were little- such lovely dreams and then I wake up to this nightmare. I'm drinking too much to blot it out of an evening but I know this means the antidepressants won't work properly so I'm working on that. Can anyone give any advice about turning off the intrusive thoughts and catastrophising. I feel like a heavy weight is on my chest all the time, and overwhelming sadness/hopelessness.
Hi Loulou,
I think this is a totally normal reaction and way of dealing with it. I don't think a day goes by where I don't practice what I will say if he gets found guilty and it's reported in the media. As you are so early on in your journey would it help if you were to change his name? Sometimes this can help if it is posted in the media as they would very rarely refer to him using his old name.
You are very early in the journey so things do get a bit better and then obviously flare up at each stage. Family members may eventually come round, it's a lot to take in initially. In regards to dealing with focussing on the worst outcome I just tell myself that there are way way way worse offenders out there and thousands of them who get on with their lives and people soon move on to the next scandal. Our brains are programmed to torture us with our own negative thoughts and although we do need to prepare for the worst outcomes, there are lots of cases which get fair outcomes and aren't reported in the media (as seen on here), it's not always doom and gloom so try and tell yourself that the worst case scenario doesn't always have to happen.
It's very hard but we are all supportive and will help you along the way. Take it easy and look after yourself xx
I think this is a totally normal reaction and way of dealing with it. I don't think a day goes by where I don't practice what I will say if he gets found guilty and it's reported in the media. As you are so early on in your journey would it help if you were to change his name? Sometimes this can help if it is posted in the media as they would very rarely refer to him using his old name.
You are very early in the journey so things do get a bit better and then obviously flare up at each stage. Family members may eventually come round, it's a lot to take in initially. In regards to dealing with focussing on the worst outcome I just tell myself that there are way way way worse offenders out there and thousands of them who get on with their lives and people soon move on to the next scandal. Our brains are programmed to torture us with our own negative thoughts and although we do need to prepare for the worst outcomes, there are lots of cases which get fair outcomes and aren't reported in the media (as seen on here), it's not always doom and gloom so try and tell yourself that the worst case scenario doesn't always have to happen.
It's very hard but we are all supportive and will help you along the way. Take it easy and look after yourself xx
Loulou22
So sorry you find yourself here x
It is such early days so please be kind to yourself
This journey is horrendous but you are not alone
There are many mums on here who understand what you are going through
My son was 27 when we had the first knock and I can totally understand your feelings
Try not to think of what will happen as in the media etc (easier said than done)
Is he getting help? You can both call the helpline they are non judgemental and very supportive
As for your other young adults it is a complete shock and will need time to adjust.
He is your son, their brother who has got lost in this
I don't for one second condone what my son has done , but now I understand how and why he has ended up here
Please reach out to us all you are not alone xx
So sorry you find yourself here x
It is such early days so please be kind to yourself
This journey is horrendous but you are not alone
There are many mums on here who understand what you are going through
My son was 27 when we had the first knock and I can totally understand your feelings
Try not to think of what will happen as in the media etc (easier said than done)
Is he getting help? You can both call the helpline they are non judgemental and very supportive
As for your other young adults it is a complete shock and will need time to adjust.
He is your son, their brother who has got lost in this
I don't for one second condone what my son has done , but now I understand how and why he has ended up here
Please reach out to us all you are not alone xx
The thought of the media and press is much worse than when/if it happens, I wish I hadn't wasted so much time stressing as when it did all come out, it was all over and done with and then on to the next story. Take care of yourself and be prepared that this is a long journey so try (easier said than done I know) not to think to far ahead of the future. Sending love xxx
Dear Baffled B and Upset Mum
thankyou so much for taking the time to reply to me. This forum has been so helpful to me in understanding the scale of families who are going through this. We have thought about him changing his name but my husband thought that the police would charge in the name he was originally arrested in. Maybe we should take some advice about this unless anybody else can advise that their relative has successfully done this. Re extended family; my husband is asking when I think we should tell them, but I think we should wait until we know the decision from the investigation/CPS, otherwise my son could be unecessarily excluded from the family? Do either of you have a view? Our son has been speaking to the LFF and is waiting on a decision re assistance in finding the Inform Course. I have found the helpline quite difficult to get through to but will continue to try. Like you Upset Mum I most definitely don't condone what he has done (and he is full of self loathing) but I've read and learnt a lot in the last few days. Looking back I can also recall certain things particular to my son which might have been a clue that he was struggling. I will really try to stop obsessing about outcomes etc and try to distract myself and check in here. Thanks again xx
thankyou so much for taking the time to reply to me. This forum has been so helpful to me in understanding the scale of families who are going through this. We have thought about him changing his name but my husband thought that the police would charge in the name he was originally arrested in. Maybe we should take some advice about this unless anybody else can advise that their relative has successfully done this. Re extended family; my husband is asking when I think we should tell them, but I think we should wait until we know the decision from the investigation/CPS, otherwise my son could be unecessarily excluded from the family? Do either of you have a view? Our son has been speaking to the LFF and is waiting on a decision re assistance in finding the Inform Course. I have found the helpline quite difficult to get through to but will continue to try. Like you Upset Mum I most definitely don't condone what he has done (and he is full of self loathing) but I've read and learnt a lot in the last few days. Looking back I can also recall certain things particular to my son which might have been a clue that he was struggling. I will really try to stop obsessing about outcomes etc and try to distract myself and check in here. Thanks again xx
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Dear Carmela, thank you also for your reassuring reply. X
Loulou,
As far as I am aware as long as the name change is done prior to charges then that is the name that is charged and then used in court as well as then reported on should it go in the media but I know some ladies on here have first hand experience so hopefully they can clarify completely. As for telling people, I would wait until charges and even then I would delay it on the possibility of nobody finding out. The only difficulty which arises from this is if your son is around children and then it comes out at a later date, parents may feel betrayed having not been informed. Xx
Apologies if the latter part sounds awful, I don't mean it to, I'm sure your son wouldn't harm a fly but you have to think about these things in case the proverbial hits the fan as people can get nasty, especially if they feel like they've been betrayed. I don't allow my friends or kids around anymore until this is all over with because it'd just cause potential headaches if it all comes out x
As far as I am aware as long as the name change is done prior to charges then that is the name that is charged and then used in court as well as then reported on should it go in the media but I know some ladies on here have first hand experience so hopefully they can clarify completely. As for telling people, I would wait until charges and even then I would delay it on the possibility of nobody finding out. The only difficulty which arises from this is if your son is around children and then it comes out at a later date, parents may feel betrayed having not been informed. Xx
Apologies if the latter part sounds awful, I don't mean it to, I'm sure your son wouldn't harm a fly but you have to think about these things in case the proverbial hits the fan as people can get nasty, especially if they feel like they've been betrayed. I don't allow my friends or kids around anymore until this is all over with because it'd just cause potential headaches if it all comes out x
Dear Smile through Tears, thank you also for your kind words. Yes, I do feel completely traumatised. Also, I had a dream last night about iioc coming onto my tv as I was watching it. This is the first time this nightmare has entered my dreams - possibly having written my post last night before going to bed. I hope this doesn't keep happening as sleep has been my only respite from this. Xx
My goodness me - what an horrendous dream... our minds can be very cruel.
Dear BaffledB
i know what you mean about the potential for them to feel betrayed and I didn't take this the wrong way at all. My thoughts were that we would hope to protect his name within the family, but he would only show his face when adults only were present and not attend anything where children were there. This may raise questions as to why he doesn't come to these events, but that can be brushed off, and the potential for family fallout is reduced.
i know what you mean about the potential for them to feel betrayed and I didn't take this the wrong way at all. My thoughts were that we would hope to protect his name within the family, but he would only show his face when adults only were present and not attend anything where children were there. This may raise questions as to why he doesn't come to these events, but that can be brushed off, and the potential for family fallout is reduced.
Loulou22
What you are feeling is normal
Not one of us could have known what our sons were doing
We will look at ourselves for blame that is what mums do :-(
How can the baby we brought in to the world, the baby boy we neutered do this?
My son is a good person who got lost in loneliness, had no confidence in himself
He didn't see what we do , self esteem was so low it's not an excuse
He was a different person on line
But he fully understands his own actions and that is why I support him every step of the way
Xx
What you are feeling is normal
Not one of us could have known what our sons were doing
We will look at ourselves for blame that is what mums do :-(
How can the baby we brought in to the world, the baby boy we neutered do this?
My son is a good person who got lost in loneliness, had no confidence in himself
He didn't see what we do , self esteem was so low it's not an excuse
He was a different person on line
But he fully understands his own actions and that is why I support him every step of the way
Xx
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My husband just works on a very practical level. He can't cope with the the way I'm processing all of this. He doesn't understand and doesn't know how to communicate with me about it.
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I don't think my husband has been able to cope with this on an emotional level. Two years down the line and he is reluctant to talk about our son, if he does it's a flippant comment.
Perhaps blanking him is a coping mechanism.......
Perhaps blanking him is a coping mechanism.......
Loulou22
Its such a Taboo subject
Men don't know how to engage or be open to talk about this
Maybe write a letter to explain how you are feeling and the impact this journey has effected you all
Let hubby read it to digest your feelings
Your son has brought your world in to the unknown, it's a long journey and will be full of the uncertainty, you cannot control what is happening but you are so strong (a mothers love is unconditional) take each day at a time and know you have not done anything wrong at all xx
Its such a Taboo subject
Men don't know how to engage or be open to talk about this
Maybe write a letter to explain how you are feeling and the impact this journey has effected you all
Let hubby read it to digest your feelings
Your son has brought your world in to the unknown, it's a long journey and will be full of the uncertainty, you cannot control what is happening but you are so strong (a mothers love is unconditional) take each day at a time and know you have not done anything wrong at all xx
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Evening Smile x
Of course we know and understand the severity of all of this and how much we wish we could change things but we cant
A mothers love is unconditional, and each one of us can look in a mirror and know no matter how hard this journey is we dont give up,
If we walked away, turned our backs, who would our sons have
But we haven't, xx
Of course we know and understand the severity of all of this and how much we wish we could change things but we cant
A mothers love is unconditional, and each one of us can look in a mirror and know no matter how hard this journey is we dont give up,
If we walked away, turned our backs, who would our sons have
But we haven't, xx
It is just so difficult. Many people in our family are very black and white about things and years ago my mum said to me "you don't half make some excuses for your kids", and that was to do with poor behaviour at school - nothing like this! I know they will not be open to listening to context. X
Hi,
Safer Lives is another group that is really great to reach out to. They offer loads of support extra to the course, which LFF doesn't always do.
They do a course for the offenders and have a support group called talking forward for parents/partners. I have found this support group invaluable.
there is also the aurora project by safer living, they have a waiting list but worth getting him onto it.
Safer Lives is another group that is really great to reach out to. They offer loads of support extra to the course, which LFF doesn't always do.
They do a course for the offenders and have a support group called talking forward for parents/partners. I have found this support group invaluable.
there is also the aurora project by safer living, they have a waiting list but worth getting him onto it.
Thanks so much GZ
My person has successfully changed his name juat b4 charges, he handed in legal. Doc and told police why he was hanging it( to protect me and the chilg3and his family. We are all in high profile jobs too. Barrister put in a petition that no photoswere to be given to the press, no addresses and only to use his new nant, they can report story etc. Nothing back fro. Judge but in his plea hearing they only used new name so we ate hpijng this is a good sign..god bless you all, in the meantime get the guy some help and get done proper help for you abd your other children to try help. Them and him understand why he did this. Also another but of advice is take your son and yourselves off social media or change banes so no pics can be be picked up there
Bin social media!
Thank for this advice new lady.
Whenever I've tried to close my Facebook account in the past (just because I'm fed up of it - not for any other reason) I've found it almost impossible to do. Also I don't want to lose all of my photos many of which are not saved elsewhere. I suppose I have got sufficient time to go through them all and save them somewhere else.
Hi Loulou22
I deactivated my FB account rather than deleted it, I can log in as and when I want to so have my photo etc x
We did delete all my sons social media apps and also his LinkedIn acc ,
Once he is out of prison he will change his surname to my maiden name, this is just so he can try to rebuild some sort of life x
I deactivated my FB account rather than deleted it, I can log in as and when I want to so have my photo etc x
We did delete all my sons social media apps and also his LinkedIn acc ,
Once he is out of prison he will change his surname to my maiden name, this is just so he can try to rebuild some sort of life x
Deactivating is a good option.
If you did want to download all your photos there is a function with Facebook to do this. Google Download my Facebook content, there are a few guides on doing this.
The other thing I'd suggest starting now is Googling his name with different combinations for example his name and towns he's lived in, and clubs he's been part of etc. You can then start the process of getting these taken down or removed from searches.
Please don't be harsh on yourself, we've all been through the emotional and thought you've had and some how we've navigated it.
The other place to reach out to is StopSo. They can recommend a suitable therapist. My Mum struggled with it, she has lots of similar question and was worried about my choice to stay. She also had loads of questions of what if but my Dad is much more pragmatic so the different approachs did cause friction and added to the worries my Mum had. After a couple of session on her own, they had a session together. This could be something to consider.
If you did want to download all your photos there is a function with Facebook to do this. Google Download my Facebook content, there are a few guides on doing this.
The other thing I'd suggest starting now is Googling his name with different combinations for example his name and towns he's lived in, and clubs he's been part of etc. You can then start the process of getting these taken down or removed from searches.
Please don't be harsh on yourself, we've all been through the emotional and thought you've had and some how we've navigated it.
The other place to reach out to is StopSo. They can recommend a suitable therapist. My Mum struggled with it, she has lots of similar question and was worried about my choice to stay. She also had loads of questions of what if but my Dad is much more pragmatic so the different approachs did cause friction and added to the worries my Mum had. After a couple of session on her own, they had a session together. This could be something to consider.
Hello xx
I'm sorry you find yourself in this nightmare
I second the Saferlives Talking Forward group as I am part of it. I would love there to be another Mum on there, it's absolutely brilliant support but all the other amazing women are partners and there obviously are differences in how this affects us.
We need a parents support group....
F2f peer support is the best thing
We also have a WhatsApp group
Do contact Saferlives re the online group xxx
I'm sorry you find yourself in this nightmare
I second the Saferlives Talking Forward group as I am part of it. I would love there to be another Mum on there, it's absolutely brilliant support but all the other amazing women are partners and there obviously are differences in how this affects us.
We need a parents support group....
F2f peer support is the best thing
We also have a WhatsApp group
Do contact Saferlives re the online group xxx
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Thanks for these replies. I'm going to be on the road for a few hours (husband and I just had few nights away to try to escape for a bit) but tonight I'm going to sit and make a list of actions going forward. Thanks again. It means so much xx
I had no idea that changing a name was a possibility.
Is there no way old name came be revealed in court?
How long does changing name take?
Thank you to all the forum users, this place is such a help
Is there no way old name came be revealed in court?
How long does changing name take?
Thank you to all the forum users, this place is such a help
Hey K4,
It is something to be considered however if it is reported on in the media and a photo is used then it can be rather "pointless". It shouldn't be read out but there is always a small possibility. You would change it by deed poll and all documents such as driving licence etc. would need to be updated too so it can be a costly process but is worthwhile considering in some cases. Xx
It is something to be considered however if it is reported on in the media and a photo is used then it can be rather "pointless". It shouldn't be read out but there is always a small possibility. You would change it by deed poll and all documents such as driving licence etc. would need to be updated too so it can be a costly process but is worthwhile considering in some cases. Xx
Hi. I changed my name by deedpoll just before lockdown for other reasons and it was very quick it was just changing other stuff that took longer.
NHS stuff has been the most difficult part of the process tbh.
NHS stuff has been the most difficult part of the process tbh.
Thank you baffled and bean!
I am just so worrried about his name being "out there" and damaging my children's lives. I will do anything to protect them.
I am just so worrried about his name being "out there" and damaging my children's lives. I will do anything to protect them.
Journalling, which is basically writing down all your thoughts on paper, can be helpful for some people, as it gets the thoughts out of your head.